by LK Chapman
She turned to him, pasting on a smile. ‘So do I,’ she said, and turned back to her work. Please, just leave me alone. She paused, correcting herself. If he left her alone, she’d just be stuck doing this longer.
‘We should do it again sometime,’ Toby said.
She paused in the middle of typing. How to play this? She still couldn’t seem too keen; after all, she was supposed to still be getting over Josh. The subject of an email caught her eye and she clicked on it, scanning the contents. ‘Oh, Toby, you’ll like this,’ she said, amused, and grateful for something to break the tension.
‘What is it?’
‘Just got an enquiry from a couple wanting to renew their wedding vows–’
Toby rolled his eyes. ‘God, isn’t going through the whole rigmarole once enough?’
‘Well, that’s not the interesting thing,’ Natalie said. ‘They’ve said it will be ninety guests, or thereabouts, but twenty of the guests are dogs.’
‘You what?’
‘That’s just what it says.’
‘Okay.’ There was a long pause while Toby’s face went through a few different expressions. ‘Well, if they have a marquee outside I guess they could bring them. But they can’t do it inside the hotel.’
‘That’s what I thought. But don’t you think it’s kind of cute, though? What a fun idea.’
He gave her a sickly smile. ‘You really see the good in everything, don’t you, Natalie?’
‘What’s bad about a couple wanting to celebrate their love with the ones they most care about?’
Now he laughed. ‘You’re a breath of fresh air,’ he said, ‘just what Hartbury needs. You’re so perfect for this. I can play at being enthusiastic about people’s parties and whatnot, but you actually really care.’
Natalie turned away at his muddled compliment, unsure whether he was genuinely impressed or just making fun of her. It was already perfectly clear that all he saw when he thought of the weddings side of the business was pound signs.
‘So, about going out again sometime,’ he persisted, getting up from his chair and coming over to rest his hand on her shoulder.
‘Toby…’ she started, but he quickly cut in.
‘I know,’ he said, ‘I know you feel a bit weird about it. But Josh behaved unforgivably towards you. You don’t owe him a thing. You deserve to have fun.’
She nodded. ‘I know, it’s just–’
‘Wednesday,’ he said, ‘we could go out for dinner? My treat. Surely it’s better than constantly being under the feet of your brother and his family, if nothing else? It’ll give you all a night off from each other.’
Wow, he really will say anything to try and get what he wants.
She smiled. ‘When you put it like that…’
***
Natalie giggled and batted Toby’s hand away from her cheek in what she hoped was an endearing and playful way. After another week at the hotel, and a couple of excruciating ‘dates’ with Toby, it was clear he wasn’t happy keeping his hands to himself any more. He’d come to join her as she worked on setting up the conservatory to take new photos for the hotel website, but had quickly become bored of chatting. Now he’d cornered her near the door, the smell of his aftershave overwhelming her. He brought his hand back to her face and stroked the outline of her scar, while her skin prickled with discomfort. ‘Nat, come on,’ he said, his voice getting a slight edge to it. ‘You’re driving me crazy. Is this happening or not?’
‘It’s not happening in here,’ she said firmly. It was clear Toby was excited at making advances towards her in one of the public areas of the hotel – her suspicion confirmed as he crudely grabbed her hand and pressed it to the front of his trousers so she could feel his excitement for herself.
‘Toby…’ she said, trying to stay light-hearted, but his eyes had taken on a clouded look as he pressed her hand tightly against his erection and leant in to kiss her. ‘No,’ she said, and to her relief, he moved away slightly. ‘I think I can hear someone coming,’ she lied.
‘We’ll go back to the office,’ he said, and then he whispered to her, ‘because I want to hear you coming.’
‘There’s no space in that room,’ she said, her nervous laughter hiding genuine fear. If she went into that office with him while he was in this state, she wouldn’t be able to wriggle her way out of having sex with him. Not unless she was prepared to completely blow her plan and reveal that all her feelings for him were fake.
‘There’s plenty of space if we’re creative,’ he said. ‘Or, if you don’t fancy that, we work in an entire building full of bedrooms, remember.’ He pressed himself against her again, his hand reaching down for the hem of her skirt and beginning to lift it. ‘I want to fuck you on every floor of the hotel,’ he whispered to her, and then nibbled her ear lightly. ‘And the swimming pool,’ he added, with relish.
‘Toby,’ she said, smoothing down the front of her skirt and stepping firmly away from him. ‘I … I want that too, but I don’t want to risk it, okay? I only just started here. If people realise something is going on between us–’
‘So something is going on between us?’
Her chest felt tight. Could she really go through with this? She could walk away right now, and leave the hotel behind. She could just go and tell Josh she knew he was innocent of everything. But it won’t end. Josh was too tormented by Mikayla’s death. He was too convinced that everything was his fault. And Toby had done that to him. ‘You know something is going on,’ she told him. ‘But I just–’
Before she could finish her sentence, his lips were on hers. ‘Toby!’ she said, pulling away. ‘You heard what I just said! Not at work.’
For a moment, Natalie wondered if he was going to try to kiss her again anyway, but then there really was a sound – the unmistakable tap-tap of Angelique’s stilettos moving towards the conservatory.
***
‘Gareth, I just want to know how he is,’ Natalie said. It had been a long day and her nerves were frayed; memories of Toby lunging at her were spinning around in her mind. Every time she went to her desk, she’d been scared that he would burst in and start pawing at her again, keen to show her the ‘creative’ ways they could have sex in the office. But thankfully he’d been rushed off his feet since their time in the conservatory and she had not been alone with him again.
‘Why do you care?’ Gareth said, his voice sharp. Her eyes prickled with tears. If only she could just tell him that she was trying to help. His hostility towards her after what she was putting herself through to help Josh was almost unbearable. She lay down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She was getting fed up with spending so much time in the little spare room at Rob and Verity’s house. She felt odd and disconnected, uncomfortable with venturing down to the lounge or kitchen where she might have to talk, but sick of staying in her bedroom nearly all the time.
‘Look, it might be over between us, but I still think about him sometimes,’ she continued. ‘I mean, just wondering how he is. I don’t want to have anything to do with him, but I want to know he’s okay.’
‘You mean, you don’t want to have his breakdown on your conscience?’
She sighed heavily. ‘Is that what’s happening? Is he having a breakdown?’
‘The last time I saw him this unhappy, he was fresh out of hospital after taking an overdose.’
‘Gareth–’
‘What do you want me to say, Natalie? He can’t even remember writing all that stuff about you. So either he needs a lot of help and support right now, or somebody has really gone out of their way to fuck with his head. Either way, I think he deserves better than what you’ve done.’
‘Please don’t be cruel,’ she said. ‘He’s not the only one who’s hurt.’
‘Well, he’s the one I’m worried about.’ Gareth said, before he ended the call.
Natalie could have screamed, but instead she just pressed her eyes closed. She opened them to find a message from Toby on her phone.
&nbs
p; I can’t stop thinking about you and what I want to do to you
Natalie threw her phone away from her. ‘Josh,’ she whispered, ‘I wish you could help me. I wish it didn’t have to be like this.’ She reached her hand out in front of her face, imagining him reaching back and interlacing his fingers with hers. ‘I love you,’ she said, and she closed her eyes, a tear spilling down onto her cheek.
Josh
47
Josh paced around the flat restlessly. His head was pounding; he woke every day with a headache, and his nights were long and empty. He’d manage a few snatches of sleep here and there, usually not until the early hours, and he’d get confused and reach out to Natalie, only to find the bed empty. Last night had been one of the worst nights – he’d felt so strongly that she was there beside him, that she needed him, but of course when he’d opened his eyes he was alone, exactly as he deserved to be. He wished his mind would get used to it – that he wouldn’t have to keep reliving the realisation she was gone, every time his sleeping mind tricked him into thinking she was there.
He stopped in the bedroom doorway. Natalie had sent Rob around to collect a few more of her clothes and belongings, but her bright yellow throw was still draped over the end of the bed, her mirrored jewellery box on top of the chest of drawers, a few floaty scarves in shades of green, purple and copper hanging behind the door. The time he’d spent in this bed with her had been some of the happiest moments of his life – the times she’d lain beside him, her head on his chest, while he stroked her beautiful soft hair; the times she’d whispered that she loved him; and the pure bliss of her naked body. I didn’t deserve any of it, not one moment of the pleasure and joy she gave me. Not after how I treated her.
Tears pricked his eyes. She’d told him once that she was his family now. Why had he done what he did? Why had he gone and ruined everything – ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him? A couple of tears fell and he brushed them away. He could feel the darkness creeping up on him again. Nothing felt good any more. He didn’t want to do anything. He didn’t want to be anywhere. His whole body just hurt.
***
‘Josh?’ A voice came through the darkness. ‘Josh? What’s up with you? Wake up! For God’s sake!’
He opened his eyes a crack. ‘Gareth?’ he croaked.
‘You left your front door open,’ Gareth said. ‘I came to see how you are. I’m worried about you. When I saw you like this I thought you might have … done something.’
Josh gestured vaguely at the coffee table, where Gareth took in the sight of various bottles and cans.
‘You just drank yourself into oblivion,’ Gareth said. ‘I guess that’s kind of a relief.’ He sat down beside him. ‘You need to try and get back to normal. I know that’s easy for me to say.’ He paused as if something had just occurred to him. ‘Are you even going to work? The state you’re in–’
‘Yes,’ Josh said. ‘I went back straight away. They sent me home for a couple of days, but I’ve been in since then. Anything to get out of the flat – everywhere I turn in this place reminds me of her. I just needed to block it all out tonight. It’s too painful.’
‘Yeah,’ Gareth said. ‘I get it.’
‘Have you heard from Natalie at all?’ Josh asked. ‘You two were kind of friends, weren’t you?’
‘She did call and ask how you were.’
‘When?’ Josh said, hope surging through him. She still cared! But what difference did it make? She’d never want to be with him again, and he would be crazy to expect her to.
‘She called yesterday,’ Gareth replied, ‘but I don’t think you should get your hopes up. I – look, to be honest I think she just doesn’t want to have to feel guilty about messing you up by leaving.’
‘Why should she feel guilty? It’s my own fault.’
‘I know that’s what you believe. But whatever the truth is, it’s not healthy to dwell on her.’
‘Gareth, if you’re going to say we should go out drinking tonight–’
‘No,’ he said. ‘I think you’ve had plenty to drink recently, by the looks of this place.’
‘I’ll tidy it up in a bit. I – I’ll be all right,’ he said weakly. ‘I’m just having a bad patch.’
Gareth shook his head. ‘You don’t look all right, Josh. I’m worried about this. I’m worried about you.’
Josh sighed. How could he explain that not having Natalie was a pain that nothing could numb? He kept telling himself that he’d been getting on okay before he met her – at least, he hadn’t exactly been happy, but he could function. All he needed to do was try to go back to that again. But now he couldn’t go back. He’d always, always be thinking about her. But it’s what I deserve, he reminded himself again. This is my punishment.
‘For God’s sake, at least try and find out who Natalie’s troll is,’ Gareth said. ‘You could hack one of those accounts.’
‘Is this some kind of joke?’
‘No. I think you’re scared. But wouldn’t it be better to know? If it confirms it’s you then you know you need help–’
‘I won’t be able to confirm it’s me. If I was doing it, nobody would be able to trace it back to me. I would have covered my tracks.’
‘But you could confirm it if it was someone else. Unless they’re as talented as you are, which I don’t believe for a second.’
‘Gareth, it was me. There was an account open on my laptop–’
‘This is bullshit,’ Gareth said. ‘You’re throwing your life away and you don’t even know the facts.’
‘I threw my life away at Chedford Lake,’ Josh said. ‘This has all been borrowed time.’
Gareth opened his mouth to argue but Josh got in first. ‘I appreciate you being concerned about me,’ he said, ‘but you don’t need to be. There’s no point. There’s nothing anyone can say or do that will fix me. There’s only one way I can make it right. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to the police station, and I’m going to confess to murdering Mikayla.’
Two weeks after Mikayla’s death
48
The door creaked open, startling him from his swirling, depressing thoughts. At a soft footstep behind him, he turned, unsure whether he was glad to be distracted, or exhausted by the thought of another conversation with someone who would never understand him.
‘Are you okay?’ His mum’s voice was subdued as she stepped further inside, reaching her hand out uselessly towards him. It was clear she was suffering. She was still in the same t-shirt she’d had on for days, her eyes puffy as she took in the sight of him. But he was angry and hurt. How had things ended up so bad? Why hadn’t anyone seen what Toby was doing to him?
‘Leave me alone,’ he said, turning back to his computer screen.
‘I just wanted to check you’re okay.’
‘I haven’t tried to kill myself again,’ he said, his voice catching, ‘so you can go.’
She came in and sat on the end of his bed, next to where he sat at the desk. ‘I wish you felt you could talk–’
‘I’ve tried to talk! I’ve tried over and over!’ he exploded. ‘I used to constantly tell you that Toby did all the things I got blamed for. All the times Gemma got pushed over, or her toys got broken. I’ve told you that Toby has hit me, and pushed me, and taken my stuff. I told you over and over and no one listened, or no one cared. It was him who pushed me down those steps. He cut the head off of Gemma’s cat toy.’ He stopped short of saying Toby had given him the pills. He was too ashamed about it – that he’d simply done what Toby had said. He was so angry with himself. ‘He makes my life a misery,’ Josh continued, ‘and I told you that when I got back from hospital Toby couldn’t be here!’
‘Josh,’ his mum said slowly, ‘we talked about all those things when they happened–’
‘And you all decided to take Toby’s side. I know.’
‘It’s not about sides. And Toby wasn’t here when you got back from hospital. He’s been away a couple of days.’
‘I mean
t he shouldn’t come back ever again! He’s back now! It’s like you want me to try to kill myself again.’
His mum recoiled. ‘How can you say that–’
‘Because it’s true! It would be easier, wouldn’t it?’
Her eyes filling with tears, his mum reached out shakily for his arm. ‘Josh, don’t ever think that. I love you. So much.’
‘Yes, you’ve said. Over and over. And then you let Toby come back here.’
‘Toby wanted to see you. He was worried about you. He saved your life–’
Josh laughed humourlessly. ‘Who do you think drove me to it in the first place?’
‘Why are you being like this?’ his mum asked. ‘I feel like I don’t know you. But I want to know you, Josh, I do. Are you scared about the inquest? Because you know it’s not the same as a trial, don’t you? They just want to work out exactly how Mikayla died; they’re not pointing the finger at anybody. It’s just a formality, nobody really believes anyone did this on purpose.’
Josh turned to her. There was an odd searching tone to her voice, like she was trying to encourage him to talk. The realisation hit him. She thought it was him! How could she? She actually thought it might be him, and she was trying to get him to admit it! His anger, which had flared so quickly, subsided to hard, dull pain. Why was he surprised? This is exactly what he should have expected. ‘What do you think happened?’ he asked her tonelessly.
‘All I know is that you can talk to me,’ she said. ‘If there’s anything you need to tell me about what happened that weekend, you can. Please, Josh, let me help you.’
He shook his head and looked at the computer screen again. ‘Just leave me alone,’ he told her, ‘nobody can help me.’
***
Josh sat back, awe and horror flooding through him in equal parts as he came to his senses. He’d been completely zoned out from the outside world while he had worked, Linkin Park thundering from his headphones, his mind entirely focused, consumed by his task. Toby had been out all evening with friends, and though he seemed content to leave him alone for the moment, since the conversation with his mum Josh had finally accepted he could rely on no one except himself. To ensure Toby left, he had taken matters into his own hands. After all, how much worse could his life get? Did it even matter if he got caught changing Toby’s grades?
