by Alison May
They ought to go back into the party. He ought to go back to his fiancée. Helen stood up. ‘Well, we’d better get back in.’
His fingers wrapped around her wrist. ‘Wait.’
She stopped but didn’t turn around. His hand was on her arm. It was such a tiny thing, but it was filling her senses. Her heart jumped.
‘What if it hadn’t turned out all right?’
She turned around. She didn’t dare say anything. It was happening again. It was a real moment, and it was happening now.
‘What if I was wasn’t happy with Emily? Not unhappy with Emily even, with everything?’
‘What do you mean?’
He stood up, and this time she knew she wasn’t imagining it. He bent his face towards hers, and then stopped. ‘Is this what you want?’
She couldn’t respond. She should say no. She should push him away. She’d pushed Alex away without any trouble. That was exactly what she should do now. She didn’t. She lifted her face to meet his. She told herself that he was kissing her, that he started it, and he did, but she didn’t stop him. Helen wrapped her arms around Dominic’s neck, and let him pull her body against his. She opened her mouth a fraction, and let him slide his tongue between her lips. She embraced him wholeheartedly, like she did every night in her dreams. Everything in the world was this kiss. Earthquakes could have struck, volcanos exploded, hurricanes whistled right through the building, Helen would not have noticed at all. She certainly wouldn’t notice a handle turning, a door being pushed, and a person standing dead still in the doorway beside them.
Dominic
‘What? What are you doing?’
Dominic pulled back from the kiss, and looked towards the voice in the doorway. Alex. Something sank in his stomach. He almost wished it had been Emily.
‘What are you doing?’ Alex lurched towards them, pulling the plastic sword from his scabbard as he did so. Helen jumped out of the way, and Dominic stumbled backwards the three steps onto the car park.
Alex staggered after him still brandishing his sword. ‘Avast you dog!’
‘What?’
‘Avast!’
Dominic shook his head. ‘I think you mean “En guarde!”’
Alex stopped still for a second. ‘Whatever. You were snogging. And you can’t snog Helen because ...’
Helen marched down the stairs. ‘Why can’t he snog Helen?’ She leant in close to her housemate and whispered something before raising her voice. ‘He can snog who he likes.’
Alex frowned. ‘That’s not it.’ His gaze drifted south towards Helen’s chest. He turned back to Dominic. ‘You can’t snog Helen because I’m in love with her.’
‘You are?’ Dominic was surprised.
Helen shook her head. ‘He’s not.’
‘I am.’ Alex took another step towards his rival. ‘So ...’ He stopped. ‘What am I supposed to say?’
‘En guarde.’
‘Thank you. So en guarde!’
Dominic watched as Alex charged, unsteadily, towards him. Clearly, they couldn’t have a swordfight. He stepped smartly to the side and let Alex charge past him, and turned to see the other man stop and stagger in confusion, before navigating his way round in a circle back towards his adversary.
Then he came again. Dominic watched his approach as if in slow motion. Alex charged, sword aloft and Dominic watched him. That was what he did, wasn’t it? He watched life going on around him. He had a plan. He had a reputation. He had mountains of memories of times when he’d done the right thing, stood back, not made a fuss. Dominic realised that he was smiling. Why the hell shouldn’t he fight? It was obviously what Alex wanted. He was wearing a knight’s costume. There was a fair maiden who had been dishonoured. Technically she had, he mentally conceded, been dishonoured by him, but still, there was some honour involved. He pulled out his plastic sword, and swung it in Alex’s direction, failing utterly to make contact. No matter. This was happening. He was having a fight in a car park. Even given that it was a sword fight with fake swords and fancy dress, it was still probably the most dangerous thing Dominic had ever done, and it was cool. He was thrusting and parrying, channelling the two hours of fencing he’d done, aged ten with a foam sword at a holiday camp with his Auntie Karen.
By comparison, Dominic felt, Alex lacked technique, but was making up for it with sheer vigour and enthusiasm for the quest.
‘Have at ye!’ Alex yelled, and the two men bowled around the car park, thrusting and slicing through the air with their toy blades.
Dominic could feel the air racing from his lungs. Oh god, he was out of shape. Next week, he decided, he was definitely going back to the gym. He held up a hand.
‘What?’
‘Hold on a minute.’
Alex paused. ‘You can’t stop in the middle of a fight.’
‘Course you can. It’s like half-time in the football.’
Dominic glanced at his opponent and noticed a certain redness in the face.
Alex nodded. ‘All right, but just for a minute.’
Dominic leant on a Land Rover for a second, and watched Alex crouch down. Helen marched over to them. ‘Have you finished?’
Both men shook their heads. ‘It’s just a break.’
Helen sighed. ‘You’re ridiculous. Both of you.’
Alex turned towards her. ‘We’re fighting for your honour.’
‘My honour can look after itself.’
Alex shook his head. ‘No. I love you.’
‘No. You don’t.’
‘I do. And I have to defend your honour.’
‘And what about you?’
Dominic looked up, and couldn’t resist a smile at her furious face. He shrugged. ‘I sort of got dragged in.’
‘You’re a highly educated professional. People like us do not get dragged in to brawls in car parks.’
He sighed. She was right. This was exactly the sort of thing people like grown up Dominic did not do. They didn’t act on impulse. They didn’t let things get out of control. He laughed. ‘It’s not a brawl. It’s a sword fight.’ He stood, pushing one leg forward and raising one arm behind him. He held his sword out straight towards Alex. ‘En guarde!’
‘Oh for goodness sake.’ He heard Helen mutter as she stomped back a few paces across the gravel, but he didn’t care. The fight was back on. He thrust towards Alex. Behind him Helen was shouting.
‘You’ve got plastic swords. How are you even going to know when someone’s won?’
That wasn’t the point any more. The fight was the point. His heart pounding was the point. The pulsing in his ears. The gasping and gulping for air. The burn in his arms. Being absolutely in this moment, not standing with one eye to the past and one planning for the future and completely missing the now. This moment. Right now. That was that point.
Helen was still talking behind him, but now there was more than one voice. Emily. Emily must have come outside. He ducked a thrust from Alex’s sword, and tried to listen.
‘They’re fighting.’
‘Yeah.’
‘You told him, didn’t you?’ That was Emily. ‘I can’t believe you told Dom.’
He stopped. ‘Told me what?’
Emily
One look at his face tells me that I’m wrong. My hand shoots up to my mouth, as if it’s trying to push the words back in. Think. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have to find out. Another thought rushes into my crowded brain. If he doesn’t know ... ‘Why are you fighting?’
Dom stops. Behind him Alex is still pirouetting and thrusting his sword at the air, but Dom freezes. Something inside me freezes too. I turn towards Helen. ‘Why are they fighting?’
She glances at the floor and shrugs. ‘Boys, you know.’
I do know boys. I know that they very rarely get into sword fights. It’s very much out of fashion when you think about it.
They all know something, don’t they? They all know and I don’t. I’m on my own. Helen’s supposed to be my best friend. ‘Tell me.’
Alex has finally caught up with the fact that nobody is on the other end of the fight any more. ‘I was defending my maiden,’ he shouts.
‘What?’ That doesn’t make any sense. If Dom doesn’t know, then how could they be fighting over me?
‘This oaf,’ he waves his toy sword at Dom, ‘had dishonoured my fair maiden.’
‘What does he mean?’
Helen is still looking at the floor. Dom steps towards me, easing his sword back into its holder. ‘He’s drunk. He came at me.’
‘No!’ Alex shouts. ‘I was defending my maiden.’
‘From what?’
‘From him.’ He points again at Dom. ‘He was kissing her.’
I don’t understand, but I need Alex to shut up. At the moment he’s talking nonsense, but he could let something slip. I try to keep my voice calm. ‘Well he’s allowed to kiss me. We’re engaged.’
Alex shakes his head. ‘Not you stupid.’
Dom jumps straight in. ‘Don’t call her stupid.’
That’s sweet. He really is defending my honour. I quite like it. Dom is usually more of a tersely worded email sort of man, than the actual fighting duels kind. I quite like this side of him. Maybe this is going to be okay.
Alex hasn’t finished though. ‘Not her. He was kissing her.’
I follow his finger towards where he’s pointing, even though I already know. It’s not me. He’s not pointing at me, so it must be her, mustn’t it? She’s the only other one here. She’s the one who didn’t look happy when her best friend told her she was engaged. She’s the one that always sits by him in meetings. She’s the one who I always asked what he’d like. Obviously, it’s her.
Something guttural happens. I feel my muscles tensing and my body moving before my brain knows what’s happening. I launch myself towards her. ‘You were my best friend.’
I find myself with a handful of her hair, and I pull on it. I feel her grab my arm with one hand and push the other against my chest. I use my free hand to slam her arm away, and the weight of her body falls against me. I try to balance, but I can’t and we both fall down onto the gravel. Pain surges through my shoulder as she falls on top of me, scraping my arm against the floor. She tries to push me away, but I react quicker and I roll, and we both roll, still clawing at one another’s faces and arms. And then I feel another set of arms around my middle, pulling me away. I’m still shouting and grabbing at her hair, as Dom lifts me out of the fight. Alex runs to Helen’s side and pulls her up from the floor. I can feel my chest rising and falling and hear my own breathing inside my ears.
‘You bitch!’ I shout again, using anything I can to force the fury out of my head and onto her.
She pulls herself towards me again. ‘But you slept with Alex.’
Dom’s arm is still wrapped around my middle. For a second everything is still and then I feel his grip relax and he steps backwards. His body unpresses from my back. The warmth of his breath leaves my neck. I hear his feet on the gravel. One step away. Two steps away. Three steps away.
‘Is that true?’ I turn around. His face doesn’t give anything away. He asks again. ‘Is that true?’
I look back towards Helen and Alex. They’re standing a little way apart from one another, both staring at me. If I lie now their faces will give me away before they even have chance to speak. It’s like I’ve being clinging onto this merry-go-round for the last twenty-four hours spinning faster and faster, and if I let go I’m going to be flung into the unknown. I don’t have a choice. I nod.
Dom swallows hard. He walks another four paces away from me to the bottom of the steps and kicks his boot against the wall. Then he walks the four paces back. He doesn’t touch me. He doesn’t look at me. He raises his voice towards this others. ‘Do you guys mind going back in? I need to have a talk with my fiancée.’
I glance up to see Helen nod. Alex picks up his sword from the ground. He takes a step towards us as if he wants to say something. I never find out what. Helen takes him by the arm and leads him up the stairs. It’s less than ten seconds before they’re gone, but each second lasts an eternity. Eventually, I hear the door close, and raise my eyes towards the man I’m supposed to be marrying. At least, whatever happens, I know it can’t get any worse.
Dom looks straight at me. ‘When?’
I was wrong. It can get worse.
‘Do you really want to know the details?’
‘When?’
I close my eyes. ‘Yesterday.’
‘For fuck’s sake!’ he yells.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry? You’re sorry that the day we got engaged you screwed someone else? Well that’s all right then. I mean, I thought it was a big deal, but if you’re sorry then I guess it’s fine.’
I’m crying again. The whole thing is hopeless. ‘I don’t know what else to say.’
‘When exactly?’
‘What?’
‘When exactly? Before or after you accepted my proposal.’
I shrug. ‘Before’
‘And how many times?’
‘Just once.’
‘So what, you were getting it out of your system? Or was it the start of an affair?’
‘No!’
‘How do you know? If I hadn’t found out, maybe it would have carried on.’
‘I...’ I pause. I don’t know, do I? ‘I didn’t want to have an affair.’
‘But you wanted to shag him?’
‘No! Well, yes, but only for a second. It was a mistake.’ I take a step towards him. ‘Like you made with Helen?’
‘That’s not the same?’
Isn’t it? Of course is it, unless that wasn’t a one-off mistake. For the first time it strikes me that he might want to be with her. It makes sense. I’m broken. Everyone leaves me, and I can picture the two of them together, heads bent over a book or an article, deep in conversation. ‘It was a one-off, wasn’t it?
He doesn’t reply. I carry on. I have to be wrong. ‘Anyone can make a one-off mistake. It would never happen again.’
‘How can I believe that?’
I have to make him believe it. I’ve lost Helen. I’ve lost Alex. I might still be losing my dad to Tania. It’s too much. I can’t keep losing. ‘I promise. It was before we got engaged, but we’re engaged now. It’s a fresh start. You and me. It’s what you want, isn’t it?’ He doesn’t reply, but he hasn’t walked away yet. We had a whole future. He doesn’t have a future with her. I need to find the words to make him believe in us. ‘You’ve got your career, and your house, which I can make so lovely, and we were going to have children, and I’m going to stop work to look after them. It’s all planned, isn’t it? It was our plan.’
He sighs. ‘I didn’t plan the bit where you screwed someone else.’
I take another step forward and press my head against his chest. He doesn’t stop me. ‘I’ll make it up to you. I’ll never be that stupid again. We can make this work. We just have to do what we’ve planned.’
‘And you love me?’
‘I can’t manage without you.’
He steps back. ‘I need to think.’
‘Don’t go.’
He shakes his head and steps past me. ‘I need some time.’
I can’t let him walk away. Without Dom, there’s just me and a great big unknown. I can’t be just me.
‘We’ve got to sort this out.’ I grab at his hand, but he pulls it away. ‘Don’t leave me.’
‘I need to think.’ He starts along the side of the building and I follow. He stops. His voice is tired and low. ‘On my own.’
I let him go. It doesn’t seem like I have very much choice.
I go back inside. I’m almost surprised to find that the party’s still going. It feels like everything should have stopped.
‘Darling!’
Daddy bears down on me clutching two cups of punch. ‘Have you seen Tania? I was bringing her a drink.’
I shake my head.
‘Oh well.’ H
e offers me the second cup. ‘I’ll get her another when she comes back.’
I take a sip of the fruity pinkness, and then a bigger sip, and then a gulp. I wonder how much it’ll take to fill the gaping hole inside me. I lean my head on my dad’s shoulder.
‘Are you all right Emmy?’
‘Yeah.’ I don’t want to tell him what happened, but I don’t need to. He’s always here for me, right from the very worst times when I was little. He’s never left me or let me down. I remember when I was a little girl being in a grey cold room with plastic chairs and a scratched old table. I had a dolly that I was playing with but I remember that I was all on my own, and then my daddy came and he picked me up and he promised that he’d always be there to look after me, and he always was.
Dominic
Dominic walked the full circumference of the building and ended up back in the deserted car park. He realised that it had got dark while he was walking. It had been light when he left the car park, but now a dull grey dusk had fallen across the landscape. Even on the longest days of the year, eventually night would fall. The darkness was driving partygoers back indoors, but Dominic didn’t follow them. Emily and Helen and Alex would be inside and there was talking, or more likely shouting, to be done. He couldn’t face that yet. There had never been raised voices when he was growing up. Emotions had been things to be managed and controlled, not brought to the surface and acted upon. He heard stories from colleagues about huge fights breaking out over something that somebody’s cousin had said about their auntie’s ex-husband in 1984. It sounded like a different world.
He turned back around the building and walked back across the gardens towards a small copse of trees at the far end of the lawn. It would be away from people and noise. Maybe it would give him chance to think. He stopped short of the trees. Not so far away from people it turned out. He paused and listened. There were two voices, one man and one woman. He could hear the woman giggling. ‘I love your nice long furry ears.’
