by Alison May
The figure sits up. ‘Morning.’
‘He’s about twelve.’
He furrows his brow with the effort of thought. ‘I’m like twenty.’
Tania hurries back into the room after me. ‘You have to go. I’m getting married today.’
The boy in the bed frowns. ‘Woah. I mean you’re like hot and that, for an old woman, but this is getting heavy.’
‘What?’
‘I mean. I’m like not ready for marriage.’
Tania screeches. ‘I’m not marrying you!’
‘You’re not marrying anyone,’ I point out. ‘Not after I’ve talked to Dad.’
She takes an immensely deep breathe, and glares at me. ‘You stay there. Do not move. Do not go anywhere.’ Assertive Tania is new. I find myself doing as I’m told. She turns towards the bed boy. ‘You go.’
He also does as instructed, gathering clothes from the floor and throwing them on haphazardly. He pauses in the doorway. ‘Well thank you for a lovely, like, evening.’
Tania stands completely still, eyes fixed on the floor. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘I’m going to talk to my dad.’
‘Wait. I can explain.’
I don’t want to listen to her explanations. I know what she’ll say anyway. It was a mistake. It was a one-time thing. It didn’t mean anything. It will never happen again. Yeah. I know exactly what she’ll say. I storm out and across the corridor to Dad’s room. Tania is right behind me, still wittering on about me not needing to do this. I knock. Dad answers straight away.
‘I need to talk to you.’
A flicker of confusion moves across his face. ‘Of course.’ He glances at her. ‘I thought you two would be getting ready by now?’ I realise that I’m still dressed as a dishevelled Guinevere.
I look at my dad. He’s already started getting dressed for his wedding. He’s in suit trousers, with shirt and tie, and waistcoat, which is still undone. His shoes are sitting neatly together next to the wall, and his morning suit jacket is hanging on the wardrobe door. He’s got a little tuft of hair sticking up above one ear. Tania smooths it down. I hesitate for a second. Whatever I say it’s going to hurt him so badly, in a weekend where I’ve already hurt too many people. This is different though. I can’t let him marry her.
‘Sit down.’ I gesture for him to sit on the bed. I sit next to him. I take hold of his hand. The skin feels loose across his knuckles. I’ve never noticed that before. ‘I’ve found some things out about Tania that I think you need to know.’
He glances at his fiancée.
‘She’s been lying to you about who she is. Tania Highpole isn’t her real name. She’s called Tina Polanski.’ I take a breath. ‘And she’s a murderer.’
My dad closes his eyes for a second. When he speaks it’s to Tania, not to me. ‘Did you know about this?’
He hasn’t understood. Of course she knew about this. She did it.
Tania nods. ‘Only since last night.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
She shrugs. ‘Em can do no wrong in your eyes. I didn’t want you to think badly of her.’
He furrows his brow. ‘Why would I think badly?’ He turns back to me. ‘Emily, were you trying to stop the wedding?’
I’m confused. Why is nobody focusing on the real issue here? I point at Tania. ‘Dad, she killed someone.’
He nods. ‘I know.’
‘She’s a murderer.’
He shakes his head. Tania moves to sit at the other side of him. ‘It was involuntary manslaughter. I went to prison for four years, and when I came out I changed my name and I moved away, and I kept moving. I ended up in Italy about eight months ago.’
No. This can’t be that simply explained. ‘You killed someone.’
‘I’m not denying it.’
My dad takes her hand. ‘You don’t have to talk about this.’
‘It’s okay.’ She looks at me. ‘He was my boyfriend. The whole story is too long and too horrible, but he hurt me, badly for a long long time. I’d decided I was going to leave him.’ She swallows. Her eyes are moist, but she’s keeping her voice low and under control. ‘But he came home early. I was already in the car, and he was hitting the bonnet, shouting at me to open the doors. He was saying he was going to kill me. I had to get away. I had to. I reversed enough to try to go round him, but he jumped in front of the car. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t stop.’
I fold my arms. Dad might be going for her sob-story, but I’m not. ‘If you were a victim of domestic violence you’d have got away with it. They have like special police and stuff.’
I see her and Dad exchange a look. He puts his arm around her.
‘The police didn’t believe me. He was a very respectable man. I was not a reliable witness, they said.’
‘No.’ It can’t be right. ‘How can you be marrying her if you know what she did?’
Daddy shakes his head. ‘Tania’s going to be my wife. You wouldn’t marry someone and keep a huge part of yourself secret like that.’
That’s not right. You have to make yourself into the person they want to marry. Of course you don’t tell them about the bits that don’t fit.
Tania leans her head against my dad’s shoulder. He looks at me. ‘I’m disappointed. This is my wedding day.’
There’s a knot in my stomach. How can I be in the wrong? I was trying to protect him. ‘There’s something else.’
Tania sits bolt upright.
‘There’s what she did last night.’
‘No!’ Tania screams at me. ‘That was ... I don’t know what happened. It would never happen again.’
I glance at my dad. Half-dressed with his sticky up hair. He looks old. He turns to Tania. ‘What happened last night?’
Her voice drops to a whisper. ‘It’s not important.’ I open my mouth to disagree, but she keeps talking. ‘I can’t marry you.’
‘Oh. Right.’ There’s no shouting or swearing. ‘I see.’ The calm is worse than the shouting would have been. He sounds defeated. ‘Can I ask why not?’
She doesn’t answer
My dad carries on. ‘It’s all right. I mean I know already. I don’t know why I thought you’d want to really. I’m an old ...’ His voice trails away. ‘Just old.’
I’m blinking back tears. I’ve done the right thing though. A little bit of hurt now, to avoid a lot of pain later. That’s the best thing.
‘No. You’re lovely. I just ...’
‘Don’t want to marry me. I see. I understand.’
‘It’s not that I don’t want to marry you.’
Dad stands up. ‘I’m sorry Tania. I think you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t. It’s probably better if you go now. There are things that will need to be sorted out. Cancelled.’
Tania stands up and walks to the door. ‘I’m sorry.’
This is it. I’ve done it. She’s going. She stops in the doorway. ‘No.’
What’s happening? She was going. I’d fixed it. She comes back and kneels down in front of my dad. ‘I probably should walk away, but out of everything that’s wrong, you’re the only thing that’s right. If I walk away from you I’ll be miserable. It won’t solve anything. Emily will still hate me.’
My dad shakes his head. ‘Emily doesn’t hate you.’
Tania glances at me. I don’t say anything. She carries on. ‘Yes. She does, but that’s not the point. The point is I love you, and I know you love me. Let’s get married today.’
‘No.’
It’s not what I was expecting him to say. Tania lets out a huge screechy cry and sits back onto her heels sobbing. For the first time I feel awkward. I shouldn’t be here, but I can’t leave in case she manages to talk him around. ‘Why not?’
My dad’s still sitting on the bed. ‘Because you were right to call it off.’
‘You don’t want to marry me?’
‘Of course I do, but I don’t make you happy, do I?’
‘You do.’
He sm
iles. It’s a tiny little smile with no joy in it. ‘Really? Have you been happy since we started living together?’
‘Of course.’
‘Honestly?’
Tania shakes her head. ‘I’m scared of the house.’
‘What?’
‘It’s too perfect. I feel like I’m imposing on it by being there.’
It’s the first thing she’s said that I agree with. She is imposing. It’s our home, not hers.
My dad doesn’t seem to agree. ‘But you’ve not imposed on it at all. All your things are still in storage. I expected the first time I left you there alone, I’d come home and find African statues in the living room, and crystals in the airing cupboard.’
‘I didn’t want to mess it up.’
‘It’s your home. I wanted it to be your home.’
Tania laughs a tiny uncertain little laugh. ‘There’s more. I didn’t want a big wedding.’
‘I thought all women wanted big weddings.’
‘No. I tried to tell you.’
My dad closes his eyes. ‘I thought you were trying to be kind, stop me spending too much money.’
‘No. I wanted something small, intimate.’
‘Is there anything else?’
She shakes her head. ‘So what do you think? Is there hope for us?’
‘No!’ I interrupt their little heart-to-heart. There’s still the naked boy in her bed. She can’t pretend that doesn’t matter. You can’t sleep with someone the night before your wedding and pretend it’s not important. A voice in my head points out that I slept with someone the day I got engaged, but that was different. It has to be different. ‘She still hasn’t told you what she did last night.’
Dad holds his hand up. ‘Not now Emily. I haven’t had my say yet.’
Tania stares up at him. ‘What do you want to say?’
‘I don’t want to say anything. I want to shake you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’ve sleepwalked us both into this, into this wedding that you say you don’t want. You sleepwalk around the house, not really touching anything. When I met you, you were so alive. You were into everything. It was invigorating.’
‘I thought you thought I was silly.’
‘I thought you were wonderful.’
Tania shakes her head. ‘I’ve been trying so hard to be what I thought you wanted. You might not like me when I stop trying.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’m scatty. I’m disorganised. I’m a terrible cook. I’m never ready in time for anything.’
He laughs. ‘I know all that. There’s something else.’
‘What?’
He stops looking at her. ‘You are much younger than me.’
‘Not that much ...’
He doesn’t let her placate him. ‘Enough for people to comment.’
‘I don’t mind that.’
‘Maybe I do. I don’t want to hold you back. I’m not looking for a nurse. I want a wife.’ He glances behind them at the bed. Oh my god. My stomach turns. I want to retreat into a happy place somewhere inside my head and pretend this bit of the conversation never happened. ‘I want you to be ...’ His voice tails off in a cloud of Englishness. ‘I want you to be satisfied.’ A tiny bit of sick rises in my throat.
Tania giggles. ‘I am. I was. I would be.’ She glances at me, and her cheeks colour red. ‘I’m sorry.’ She kneels up and takes his hand. ‘I love you.’
‘I’m a fuddy-duddy old academic.’
‘And I’m a new age scatterbrain. You don’t get to choose who you love. Theo?’
‘Yes.’
‘Will you marry me today?’
I knew she’d talk him around. I grab his arm, and pull it away from her hand. ‘You can’t marry her. She slept—’
‘Emily!’ He shouts my name. I stop short. I don’t remember my dad ever shouting at me. Even when I was a child and I’d been naughty he never raised his voice. He continues more quietly. ‘Emily, I want you to think very carefully about what you’re about to do. Whatever Tania’s done is between me and her, and whether I want to know is up to me.’
‘But—’
‘No.’ He lets me keep hold of his hand, but turns his face back towards her. ‘Tania, is there anything else that you want to tell me?’
She closes her eyes. ‘I did a stupid thing.’
I see his Adam’s apple jump as he swallows. ‘Is it a stupid thing that’s in the past?’
She nods.
‘And you can promise that?’
‘Absolutely.’
He stares over her head for a second. ‘Then I don’t want to know.’
‘What?’ That’s crazy. How can you be safe if you don’t protect yourself? How can you make a plan if you don’t have all the information? You can’t trust somebody just because you want to.
He turns towards me and takes hold of both my hands. ‘Emily, look at me.’
I look into his face.
‘Emily, I’m getting married today. I want you to be there and I want you to be happy for me. So what I’d like you to do now is go back to your room get dressed, do your hair, and come and be a bridesmaid. All right?’
I don’t know what to say. I nod.
‘Good. And while you do that, me and Tania have about twenty minutes to try and make this wedding fit the bride’s wishes a little bit more.’
She laughs. She’s happy. I look into Dad’s face again before I go. He looks happy too. I’ve lost him. He thinks that loving her is going to be enough, and neither of them will ever forgive me for trying to split them up.
Dominic
The ballroom had been transformed overnight. The ivy and flowers that had been suspended from the beams were gone, as were the magicians and acrobats. In their place was the stage set for the perfect modern, middle-brow, middle-class wedding. The chairs, arranged in rows of six on either side of a central aisle, were covered in white calico with lilac bows on the back. At the front of the room, the registrar was arranging papers on the smaller of two flower-laden tables, while the groom paced, and then sat down, and then stood up again.
The room was filling up with people. Cheerful people. Brightly-clothed people. Loud people. Dominic closed his eyes in defence against the light and noise and colour. He could do this. It was one day. Get through the day. Smile for Theo and Tania. Everything else could wait until tomorrow. He forced his eyes open, and looked around. Helen and Alex were sitting together about halfway down the length of the hall. There was an empty seat beside them. Dominic paused. He watched Alex’s head loll slightly to one side, and come to a fleeting rest on Helen’s shoulder. A firm elbow in the ribs made Alex jump awake. Dominic smiled.
He took a seat, on his own, at the back of the room. The last few guests shuffled in around him. The scene was set. Everything was in place. All they needed now was a bride.
Dominic glanced at his watched. Five minutes past. That probably didn’t even class as being ‘fashionably late’ yet. He peered forward, through the forest of bodies, at Helen. What was she thinking about last night? The back of her head wasn’t giving him many clues. Maybe what happened last night was just a moment, and one moment every decade did not make a relationship, however electric those moments were. He had a relationship with Emily. They had plans and a future. She’d already picked new tiles for his kitchen. That was a relationship.
The stranger next to him shuffled in her seat and knocked his arm. He winced as a shot of pain pulsed into his shoulder. Tentatively he rubbed the arm. Really sore. Bruised maybe. The woman next to him looked concerned. ‘Are you all right?’
He nodded. ‘It’s a sword fighting injury. You know how it is.’
Whether she knew how it was or not, she didn’t get chance to respond. The music stepped up a notch into something vaguely wedding marchy. In the front row the groom and best man stood, and the motion rippled backwards through the room. Dominic twisted his neck to see the bride who walked slowly a few paces down the aisle. He twiste
d back again. Emily was following her. It was an odd experience – having a practise run at watching the woman you were going to marry walk down the aisle. He tried to imagine the tingle of excitement and nerves and anticipation that he would be expected feel if that big day ever came.
‘Wait.’ Dominic turned back towards the voice. Tania had stopped halfway down the aisle. ‘Wait a minute.’
Theo stepped out into the aisle. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. Everyone wait a minute.’ The bride hoiked up her skirt and ran out of the back of the room. A murmur went up. Dominic watched the registrar lean towards Theo who shrugged. In front of him, he saw Helen crane her neck to see what was going on. Their eyes met.
‘Sorry! Sorry!’ Tania ran back down the length of the room, clutching something in her hand. She hurried past Theo at the front of the room and accosted the waiter who’d been dragooned into pressing ‘Play’ on the music at the appropriate time. After a few seconds of conversation, she made her way back to her starting point. ‘Sorry!’
A new tune blasted out of the speakers.
The woman next to him raised her eyebrows. ‘What’s this?’
‘Blondie.’ Dominic laughed. ‘I think it’s Blondie.’
A laughing Tania made her second trip down the aisle, and proceedings finally got underway. There was reassuring quality to the promises the couple offered to each other. There was something solid about the idea that you were absolutely committed to another person for ever. That was what Dominic was supposed to have chosen. It was what he’d always been destined to choose. He watched Emily standing to one side of the happy couple and tried to muster the butterflies again. They wouldn’t come.
Alex
Weddings always featured an awful lot of standing around. After the service, there were drinks and nibbles while the photos were taken. Alex helped himself to a second flute of champagne, and flagged down a waitress with a tray of tiny pastries.
‘What are they?’
‘Red onion and goats’ cheese tartlets.’
