by Alison May
‘What?’
I turn to my dad. ‘You’re going. Dom left. Mum left me.’
He closes his eyes. ‘Is this about your mum?’
My head drops forwards. I can’t answer. ‘Everyone leaves me.’
‘Theo.’ Tania hisses the word at him. I don’t look up, but I sense that there are some looks being exchanged above my head.
I hear my dad sigh. ‘How much do you remember about your mum, Emmy?’
I don’t say anything. It’s not something we talk about. It’s not something we ever talked about.
My dad continues. ‘You were so little, and after a few weeks you stopped asking after her, and then when you got bigger you always just said that she left. Is that what you remember?’
I screw my eyes up tight. I don’t want to think about it.
I feel a hand rubbing my back. It’s Tania. ‘How long is it since she?’
‘Twenty years.’ I murmur. ‘Twenty years ago. I was strapped into the back of Mummy’s car ready for the drive home from school. Mummy looked tired, maybe, or maybe I just think that now.’ I don’t want to think about this, but now I’ve started it won’t stop. The words come rushing out. ‘And I remember noticing that she had driven a different way from normal. We went the wrong way out of school.’ Again it’s all half memories. I look at my dad. ‘Is that right?’
He nods.
‘She drove onto the bridge over the river, the new bridge out towards the motorway, and she stopped the car. Mummy walked to the edge of the bridge, climbed onto the barrier and flew. That’s what I remember. I remember seeing Mummy trying to fly.’
I hear my dad gasp. ‘You never talked about it. I took you to a counsellor. Do you remember that?’
I shake my head.
‘You wouldn’t talk about it. In the end we thought you didn’t remember, or didn’t understand.’
I’m back in that car, with the sirens and the police lady, and then the trip to the police station to wait for Daddy. I remember when he arrived. He picked me up and squeezed me and told me he’d never leave me alone again. ‘You lied.’
‘What?’
‘You said you’d never leave me alone.’
‘When?’
‘At the police station.’
He shakes his head. ‘Sweetheart, I’m sorry.’
It’s like I’ve picked the top off a scab, and now it won’t stop bleeding. I want to push the memory back into its box, but I can’t. ‘And she lied too, didn’t she? She was my mum. Mums are supposed to be there. They’re supposed to look after you.’
‘Your mum was very ill, Em. She was ill before we had you. I think loving you was probably the only thing that stopped her doing it sooner.’
‘But she didn’t love me enough, did she?’
‘Your mum was very poorly.’
I shake my head. I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say. I get that she must have been depressed. Part of me even gets that it wasn’t her fault, but she still did it. I was five years old, and it wasn’t my fault either. ‘She should have loved me enough.’
Dad squeezes my shoulders. ‘She did love you.’ He takes deep breath. ‘I’m sorry.’
I sit up. He looks so small and so scared.
‘She didn’t give up on you sweetheart. She gave up on herself.’
‘Everyone leaves me.’
He looks over the top of my head to Tania. She takes hold of my hand. ‘We’re not leaving you. You’re always going to be part of this family, but your dad has to let you grow up. You’re not that little girl any more, are you?’
I lean against him. ‘I can’t manage on my own.’
‘Of course you can.’ My dad still has his arm wrapped around my shoulders. ‘I remember you on the day it happened. When I got to the police station I expected you to be hysterical, but you were sitting in a corner drinking squash and playing with a doll they’d found for you. You were completely self-sufficient.’
Tania squeezes my hand. ‘Sometimes you have to change how you think about yourself. You don’t have to be the little girl whose mummy left her. You can be the woman who survived all that and grew up stronger. Think about it. You’ve survived the worst thing already. Whatever happens next you’ll survive that too.’
I let her join in the hug. It’s the first time we’ve done that. Maybe she’s right. I can think about myself differently, and think about my world differently. It’s not just me and Dad clinging together any more; it can be looser, easier with space for people to come into my life, and space, as well, for them to go.
My dad rubs my back as I let Tania hug me. ‘I’m not sure if this is the right time, but you’ll have some money too. I won’t let you struggle.’
I shake my head into Tania’s shoulder. ‘I thought I was supposed to be learning to stand on my own two feet.’
‘You’re entitled to it. I used your mum’s life insurance to pay off the mortgage so you’d have somewhere secure to live, but now, well, she’d have expected some of that to come to you eventually.’
I shake my head. For some reason not taking his money suddenly seems important.
‘It wouldn’t be lots, but maybe enough for a deposit on a house.’
I shake my head again. ‘Maybe you could keep hold of it for me.’
He nods.
Tania bats him with her hand. ‘She’s twenty-five. She doesn’t need a house now anyway. She should be buying silly things, shoes or a racing greyhound or a beach hut or something. There’s plenty of time for being a grown-up once you’ve finished enjoying being young.’
My dad laughs. ‘Really? So when are you going to start?’
‘What do you mean? I’m still very young.’
And I laugh too. It feels weird to be laughing with Tania, but it looks like she might be sticking around after all.
Helen
The evening festivities tonight were in a more traditional wedding reception vein than the previous night’s dreamy woodland folk and fairy themed spectacular. There was a DJ, proudly and repeatedly declaring his intention to play all the biggest hits from the 1960s right up to today. If the claim was true it was going to be a staggeringly long party.
Dominic was standing in the doorway, and Helen realised that she hadn’t seen him since the ceremony, and in her excitement about the possible new jobs she hadn’t missed him. At least, she’d missed him less. She raised an arm in greeting.
He waved back and wandered over. ‘So, disco?’
Helen nodded.
‘I hate discos.’
She nodded again. ‘Me too. The only kind of dancing I can do is slow-dancing.’
The current song appeared to be based around the singer finding that his valued pet dogs had escaped and needing to query who might have let them out. It was an odd premise, but it gave Helen confidence that there was very little risk of a slow-dance in the immediate future. ‘I didn’t see you at the meal?’
Dominic shook his head. ‘I had to pop out.’
‘Really?’
‘Just to see my mum.’
‘That’s a four hour round trip.’
‘Nearer four and a half.’
‘Is she okay?’
‘She’s fine. I ...’ he laughed. ‘It’s going to sound mad.’
Helen waited.
‘I needed to tell her I was quitting my job.’
Helen’s throat clenched and the lightness in her chest evaporated. It was as if the perfectly lovely sedate little merry-go-round car she was riding on had become detached and slammed headlong into a wall. ‘You’re quitting the university?’
He nodded. ‘I’m going to apply for teacher training.’
‘Where?’ She told herself to be calm. He could go where he liked. She was planning on leaving anyway. Whether he stayed here or not made no difference.
‘It’s late to apply, so wherever there’s a space probably. I’m going to try to get somewhere in the North-west though.’ He paused. ‘Seeing Mum today. She’s getting old, and
she’s alone.’
‘Wow.’ Helen didn’t quite know what to say. They were talking, which she had decided to view as progress, but neither of them were mentioning the events of the night before. ‘So, er ... how does Emily feel about moving?’
He looked straight at her. Stupid blue eyes. ‘Emily won’t be coming.’
Oh.
Across the room the DJ raised his microphone to his lips. ‘Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome to the floor, for their very first dance as man and wife, Mr and Mrs Midsomer.’
There was so much about the moment that Helen would normally mock, and Dominic was generally an excellent mocking partner. The whole notion of the first dance was laughable, as if this was a society where nice married couples spent the majority of their nicely married time waltzing. And then there was the fact that he said ‘man and wife’ rather than ‘husband and wife.’ Helen could have written a short essay on that element alone. Today she didn’t say anything. Her brain had disengaged from her mouth and her senses. All she could do was watch as Professor Midsomer and Tania shuffled and twirled around the floor.
‘Ladies and gentleman, the bride and groom would like to invite you to join them on the dance floor.’
The DJ managed to entice two or three couples onto the floor. Dominic’s arm moved at Helen’s side. His fingers brushed against hers, and then wrapped around her hand. ‘Shall we?’
She nodded and let him lead her onto the edge of the floor. She put one hand on his shoulder and his arm curled around her waist. Neither of them were great dancers but they held and swayed against one another in some sort of rhythm, and the music was soft enough that Helen could hear his breathing against her hair.
She leant her head against his shoulder, facing in towards his neck. ‘So ... Emily?’
‘We broke up.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘There’s no need. It wasn’t right, was it?’
She didn’t reply. They were probably a bit far down the line for her to be worrying about loyalty to Emily.
‘Maybe we should talk about that kiss.’
‘Probably.’ There was so much she should say. She wanted to explain that he needn’t think he could just jump from Emily to her, and she wondered whether she should also tell him the whole truth, that she’d loved him from afar for years, and that only that morning she’d decided to stop loving him. Obviously she hadn’t actually achieved that yet but she had definite good intentions in that area, and in addition to that, even if she did keep loving him she wasn’t at all sure how comfortable she was with the paradigm of the traditional relationship in which women are often seen as adjuncts to a male partner’s needs and career.
‘Actually no.’ Dominic interrupted her mental argument.
‘What?’
‘I know us. I know what we’re like when we analyse things and discuss them. We’ll end up with lists of pros and cons, and we’ll never actually do anything.’
‘Well analysing the situation is good academic practice.’
‘But this isn’t an academic problem.’ He laughed. ‘I really fancy you. I’ve really fancied you for a very long time. I think last night you kissed me like someone who probably feels the same. And now we’re both single. Stupid people could work this out.’
‘What?’
And he moved his head ever so slightly, so she wasn’t facing his neck any more, but his lips, and then he brought his lips to meet hers.
She pulled back. ‘I don’t think ...’
‘Don’t think. I’m sick of thinking about this. Let’s do whatever it is that we want right now in this moment.’
She stepped forward and raised her chin. Their lips met, firm and warm and right, and this time she didn’t pull away.
Alex
Alex nursed his pint on the edge of the dancefloor watching his housemate and Professor Collins. A movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Emily walking out of the ballroom. He downed the dregs of his drink and set off after her. It was time to get serious. Time to stop messing around and grow up. He’d watched Helen wait and wait and break her heart before the moment she was clinging onto came to anything. He wasn’t going to be the same. And granted a desperate shag in a disabled toilet didn’t have quite the romantic wistful quality of a fleeting moment that never quite was many years past, but, on the other hand, it had shagging, so it was better really. Moments with shagging in them were always better.
‘Emily!’
She stopped a few feet in front of him and turned around, her arms folded across her chest. ‘Hi.’
He watched her shuffle from one foot to the other, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground.
‘Hi.’
So now he’d run after her, he must need to say something. He wasn’t sure what. Actually he was sure what; he just wasn’t sure where to start. ‘You saw Helen and Dom?’
She nodded.
‘And how are you?’
She shrugged. ‘Me and Dom split up.’
‘I guessed from the ...’ Alex pointed back towards the party, ‘... from all the tongues and everything.’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. I guess he’s moved on. Well I’d better get going.’
‘Going where?’
She stopped. ‘I have no idea.’
‘Then stay.’
‘Here? In the lobby?’
Alex looked around. It was as good a place as any. ‘I wanted to talk to you.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m talked out.’
‘Then listen. I’ll talk.’
‘Go on.’
‘I can change. I can be the man you need. I’ll get a proper job. I’ll get a house and we can have a nice safe car with the child seats in the back. I can be that guy.’
She laughed. She actually laughed at him. ‘No. You can’t.’
Alex’s stomach clenched. This was his moment. He had to make her believe this. ‘I can. I can change. I can grow up. I think I’m in love with you.’
‘Because we had sex once?’
‘No!’ That was ridiculous. Alex had had sex with lots of women once. It had never had this effect on him before. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’
‘Apart from last night when you were thinking about Helen?’
‘That was the punch.’
Emily shook her head. ‘Course it was.’
There was something in her face he hadn’t seen before. A steeliness perhaps. ‘So what are you going to do now?’
‘I don’t know. I might look for a flat or a new job or go back to college. I might buy a salmon farm off the coast of Scotland. I might buy a one way ticket to Thailand and go travelling.’
‘Like backpacking?’Alex laughed. The image of Emily backpacking was crystalized in his head. ‘You know backpacking is sort of slumming it, don’t you?’
She stuck out her chin. ‘Don’t you think I can manage?’
‘I’m sure you can manage. I’m just surprised you think you can.’
‘Maybe I’m learning to stand on my own two feet.’
Alex’s heart fell. ‘So you don’t need me to take care of you?’
She closed her eyes. ‘It’s tempting, but I’m trying to do something different. It might be a horrible mistake.’
‘But at least it’s a different mistake. Right?’
‘Yeah.’ She took a final step towards him and kissed his cheek. ‘Goodbye Alex.’
Emily
I start to walk away. It’s the right thing to do. He’s cute, and he’s funny, but he’s not the man for me. Even as I think it a little voice nags in my head. He wasn’t the man for you, but you’re changing. Who knows who the man for New Emily might be?
‘No.’
I stop and turn back towards him. The grin he always has is playing at his lips. He catches my eye, and I feel my lips curling into a smile. ‘What?’
‘Let’s not say goodbye. Let’s say until we meet again.’
I shrug. I mean that’s fair enough. I probably shouldn’t rule anything o
ut completely on day one of my new life.
‘So, what about this? Six months from today.’
‘What about it?’
‘Meet me.’
I don’t understand. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Six months from now.’ He looks at his watch. ‘Eight p.m. I will be back here waiting for you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you need to prove that you can cope on your own, but once you’ve proved that, you’ll have the choice, won’t you? You’ll be able to choose whether you want to carry on your journey on your own or ...’
‘Or with you?’
‘Exactly.’
It’s a crazy idea. ‘I don’t know where I’ll be in six months.’
He takes a step towards me. ‘That’s fine. I’ll be here. Everything else is up to you.’
He’s mad. ‘So you’re planning six months ahead. Are you sure?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I thought you didn’t like to plan beyond your next meal.’
He takes one step towards me. ‘I’m making an exception for you.’
It would be so easy to do this now. I could kiss him, and take everything he was offering. I could accept that he could be the guy who makes plans, and settles down. He says he wants to be that guy. Do I want to be that girl? I remember the date. Midsummer’s Day. ‘Six months today will be Christmas Eve.’
Alex grins. ‘I’ll bring some mistletoe then.’
‘Okay.’ And this time I do walk away, because if I stay I’ll change my mind.
PART 4
WINTER
Helen
Christmas Eve
Helen swore to herself as she wiggled the useless key Dominic had got cut for her in the temperamental lock of his flat door. She slung her bag on the sofa and went straight to the kitchen. As expected Dominic was at his laptop on the breakfast bar with a pile of textbooks on the floor at his feet.
‘It’s Christmas eve. Stop working.’
He grinned. ‘Just got to finish this lesson plan.’
