by Charish Reid
“You drank the poison hoping she’d get sick.”
Antonia nodded. That was probably the best way to phrase it. “Yes, and she didn’t get sick.”
“So you cut the rope?”
As they neared Tully Cross, she felt comfortable enough to go the posted speed limit. She thought about Aiden’s question as they passed the town’s only church. “I don’t think I did,” Antonia murmured.
“No?”
She pulled up to the cottages, right behind her rental car and cut the engine. Antonia faced Aiden and shook her head. “I didn’t. Because I met Derek about a month later at that sports bar. When he approached me, my brain went to mush. As my mom would say, I didn’t use the sense god gave me and I fell for him immediately.” The words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop and properly assess them. These ideas had never occurred to her before now. In her Chicago apartment, Octavia told Antonia that she’d eventually have to ask herself the question, Why Derek?
Now she knew.
“I didn’t want to be Bloody Mary anymore. I looked at Derek and saw one of Vanessa’s valuables. He chose me and I was grateful for it.”
Aiden remained silent.
“To use your metaphor, it’s a thick rope, Aiden,” she explained. “I didn’t start hacking at it until I ran from his apartment. Until I came here and met you. You help me cut the last frayed edge when he called me.”
He frowned as he reached over and cupped her face in his palm. “Oh, darling.”
“And if we really want to mix our metaphors, I grabbed my seal’s coat from him. I’m free to do whatever I want on my own timeline. I’m done with stupid things like Vanessa, fifth grade nosebleeds, and men who walk all over me,” she said with a sad smile.
“Of course you are, my love.” Aiden stroked her cheek with his thumb. “You can be whoever you want to be.”
Antonia reached out and laid her hand on his chest. “Believe it or not, you can too. After all these years, you saw your version of Vanessa, only much worse. Your father...” What could she say about a man who was laid out by his own son after a twenty-plus year absence? “You might not find what you need from him. You have to give yourself what he couldn’t or wouldn’t give you.”
He pressed his lips into a thin line. “I don’t need anything from him.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true and you know it.” She pointed her finger against his chest. “He took something in there a long time ago and you’re hoping he’ll give it back.”
Aiden exhaled and hung his head. “Antonia...” His hands closed over her finger, pressing it against his beating heart. It thudded through his sweater as her own broke in response.
With her free hand, she took him by the chin and lifted his face. “You had the confidence to punch him in the jaw,” she said, biting back a grin. “But you’re also going to need confidence for this next step. You’ll have to let go of the hurt and give that little boy what he needs now.”
He chuckled and tried averting his shining eyes. “You’re giving me the confidence lecture now, Ms. Harper?”
Antonia leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. While she searched his gaze, she gave him a tentative kiss, tracing the seam of his lips with her tongue until he allowed her entry. Antonia gripped the back of his neck and pushed forward. When she felt a single tear wet both of their faces, she wiped his cheek with her thumb. Antonia kissed him as if it could erase his pain. It wouldn’t, but it was worth trying.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Exhaustion was etched on Antonia’s face.
As she gave herself a cursory glance in her bathroom mirror, it became clear what kind of toll the morning’s events took on her body. If someone had told her that she’d be put in the middle of a painful Irish family reunion, she would have laughed. She splashed her face with cold water, hoping it would make a difference. The frigid water gave her a temporary wake up, but her eyes still looked tired.
Antonia walked to her bedroom and flopped onto the mattress where she contemplated sleep. She was in no condition to write anything, but her mind was still abuzz with racing thoughts. She wondered what Aiden was doing and if he was alright. It would probably take him a long time to be “alright,” but that didn’t stop her from worrying.
Her phone rang in her back pocket, startling her. It was Eddie.
“Hey Ed,” she answered.
“Have you checked your emails?”
She sat up from her bed. “No, what’s up?”
“Wild Hare has been sold as a subsidiary of Sixpence Publishing,” he shouted. “Why aren’t you checking your emails?”
Antonia tucked the phone between her ear and her shoulder, grabbing for her laptop. “When did you find this out?”
“Last night,” he said excitedly. “The board sent out a company-wide email, but there’s individual emails asking us to come back.”
She held her breath as she checked her email. She found it. “Dear Antonia Harper,” she breathed. Antonia’s eyes scanned the page, picking out the key phrases like “our apologies for a tumultuous change in management” and “your work has not gone unnoticed.” A small gasp escaped her lips as she read, then reread, the last paragraph. “Oh no...” she groaned.
“What is it?”
She couldn’t articulate the news until she read it for a third time. It was like passing through some strange reverse in fortune. Just yesterday, she’d finally cut ties with Derek and now she was being offered a job. Hadn’t she already gone through enough of these changes? “They can’t do this,” she moaned.
“Spit it out!”
“They’re offering me the position of publisher,” she said. “I’d have to apply for it, but they’re hiring in-house, and they think I would be a good candidate based on my previous experience. They want me to have Richard’s job...”
“Holy shit, forget everything I said. You have to take this job.”
Antonia shook her head. “They want me to interview on Thursday, Eddie. Today is Tuesday.”
“Okay, so you cut your trip a little short or ask them to reschedule for next week. This could be the chance to work for a place that will take you seriously. They forced Richard out for you!”
Antonia’s head was spinning. “But what about my book? What about Aiden? I thought I was out here trying to find myself.”
Eddie went quiet.
“Well?” she said. “What about it? They can’t just dog-whistle me back to Chicago to do a job that I might not want to do. I’m still figuring things out.” Her eyes filled with tears of frustration.
Her friend sighed. “I know what I said, Toni. I guess I’m just relieved that we might have jobs. I still have those interviews, but wouldn’t it be nice to know we’ve got something to fall back on?”
She couldn’t believe Eddie’s hypocrisy. “But I thought that all we were doing was ‘falling back on’ something that was dragging us down.”
“I get it, Toni. But I have a lot to consider. I’ve got debt and I need a job. I can’t just run off to Ireland whenever shit hits the fan.”
“Baby, you’re being rude!” Megan chastised. Antonia didn’t want to hear it right now.
“I’ve gotta go, Ed.”
“Look, I’m sorry...”
She hung up on her friend and tossed the phone on her bed. “Fuck everything,” she muttered. Where did Eddie get the nerve to talk to her like that? He was totally backtracking on his own advice, making her feel guilty in the process. She hadn’t just run away to Ireland when the shit hit the fan.
Antonia sat back against her pillows. Well, that is exactly what I did. But Eddie didn’t realize how his words shook her foundation. She was reminded, once again, that Ireland wasn’t just a vacation from her worries. She had to make critical decisions about her future. Antonia just hadn’t counted on Aiden to act as a tornado in her
life. Regardless of how she felt about him, the news of another job opportunity couldn’t be ignored. She had to go back to Chicago sooner or later, and she needed a job when the time did come. Publishing was safe. She knew the industry inside and out, and Sixpence was a great place to rise in the ranks. Antonia would have more responsibility, people under her, and a large pay raise.
But then there was the promise of creating something that was hers. Her character, Augusta needed her. Antonia was already molding her into something strong and powerful, a better version of herself. The thought of putting Augusta on hold, stagnant on the page, made her heart sink. And then there was Aiden. She was just getting used to the idea of following him to Galway. She truly wanted to see his world, a place where things were hopefully more normal than today’s events.
But she had no idea how he was holding up. When she left him, he didn’t look any better than when she’d pulled him off the Clifden sidewalk. Since their last kiss, she ached for his touch, some small measure of comfort in his arms that could tell her he was okay. Antonia kept reminding herself that he needed space. He needed time. Time that she was quickly running out of. Tired as she was, she needed him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
After he left Antonia, Aiden had fallen onto his bed and slept for several hours. His nap was only interrupted by a quick meal of frozen shepherd’s pie before guilt tired him out and sent him back to bed. The night had been filled with fitful sleep and an empty space in his bed where Antonia should have been.
When he awoke the following morning, with a throbbing headache and sore fist, the shame of yesterday returned. He’d done a foolish thing. Upon reuniting with his father, he assaulted Liam, a man in his seventies. He was lucky he hadn’t seriously harmed him and ended up in the Clifden jail. As he hauled himself out of bed, still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, he was careful not to disturb his bruised knuckles. Aiden searched his suitcase for a bottle of aspirin and then his phone.
The loneliness of his Tully Cross cottage was really setting in, but he couldn’t bother his mother with this. And as far as he knew, his brothers didn’t share the same angst he had regarding their father. Aiden hadn’t bothered to broach the topic with any of them in years. He needed to talk to someone who wasn’t Antonia. While he appreciated her help, he didn’t want to shovel more shit onto her shoulders. She was too good to have to put up with his drama. Aiden was already frightened of the prospect of her leaving him, he didn’t need to rush along the process with his dysfunctional relationship with Liam.
He turned his phone over in his sore hand and decided to call the one man who could help him. His boss, Robert, was as steady as they came. Even though he and Penny were on vacation, Aiden figured a phone call could be managed.
After a few rings, Robert answered. “Aiden, what can I do for you?”
“Is this a bad time?” he asked. “I can call back.”
“No, no, Penny and I are off to lunch in a bit, but I can speak now. What’s on your mind? Did the anthology look like something you could submit to?”
Aiden had already forgot about the anthology. “Oh that, yeah, I’m sure it’s something I can manage. But I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.”
Sensing something in Aiden’s tone, Robert paused before asking, “What’s wrong, my boy?”
My boy. Something about the way Robert said it, the hint of urgency and affection, was remarkably different from his father’s boyo. “I just wanted to tell you... I know I won’t replace James, but Robert, you’ve been more of a father to me than my own. I wanted you to know that.”
Silence filled the phone line, making Aiden’s face hot with embarrassment. “I appreciate you saying that, Aiden,” Robert finally said. “You remind us a lot of James, you know? Had he lived, I believe you two would have been good friends.”
Aiden smiled. “I’m sure you’re right, Robert.”
“You haven’t spoken of your father in quite a while. Anything the matter?”
“Well, you’re not going to believe this, but I accidentally ran into him yesterday.”
Robert inhaled sharply. “Really?”
He chuckled as the ridiculousness of it all. “I saw him in Clifden yesterday morning, punched him in the face, and then left him. That sounds healthy, right?”
Robert joined in his laughter. “I’m not entirely sure,” the old man said. “Certainly sounds cathartic. How are you holding up?”
Aiden shook his head. “I don’t think I am. He blew through like a hurricane and now I’m picking up the pieces. It’s not too different from when I was a kid actually.” When Liam had come back from his long hauls, Clare and the boys had rearranged the household to make room for him. Each adjustment grew more and more difficult to manage, which was probably why Clare had finally put her foot down.
“Will you see him again?”
“That’s the question, isn’t it? After all this time, I don’t trust him to be a stable presence in my life. He’ll probably leave again and then where will I be?”
“Good point,” Robert said. “But I wonder, would words be more effective than a fist?”
“The fist felt mighty effective at the time,” Aiden said in a short tone.
“Mmh. But the pen is mightier than the sword,” his mentor reminded him. “I’m not telling you what to do, my boy. But a little closure might be the ticket, eh?”
“I’ll think about it,” Aiden said, rubbing his temple.
“Good.”
“Good?” Aiden repeated.
“Opportunities like this aren’t afforded to everyone, Aiden. When we get them we have to take them seriously. What will you do with yours?”
The question caught Aiden off guard. He hadn’t thought of this as an opportunity in the least. An appearance from Liam was only another wrench in his summer plans. He had actual work to do without the addition of emotional labor. “I haven’t a clue.”
Robert gave a throaty chuckle. “When I told you to go to the water, I didn’t think you’d find your father. After his odyssey, your father is faced with his past and has to atone for his actions. You have to admit there’s a certain beauty in that.”
“I have yet to find the beauty.”
“When you let go, you will, my boy. You will.” Robert paused before delivering a stern warning. “Whether you talk to him or not, you will have to let him go. The man who he was; the boy you were. You must leave them behind.”
Aiden sniffed. “Yeah.”
“This too shall pass, Aiden. And when it does, you’ll be a better man for it. Your father isn’t the only facet of your full life, nor is your career. I hope I didn’t give you the impression that being a professor was all there was in life. Family, love, and passion makes the man. Cling to those things and cut loose the things that can’t bring you joy.”
Cut the rope.
Aiden’s voice was a lump caught in his throat. “Thank you, Robert.”
“Of course,” his mentor said. “We’ve got reservations to make, but let’s talk this evening.”
“Sure, I’d like that.”
When he hung up, Aiden stood from his bed and paced the room. The next thing on his mind was Antonia. He wanted to see her, but he was thoroughly embarrassed by how their day unfolded. He wanted to call or text her, but in the convenience of being neighbors, they’d forgotten to exchange phone numbers. Antonia was only on the other side of his wall, possibly sitting on her bed worried about him. Aiden should go over there. He started toward the door and stopped himself.
Realization struck him hard.
Both Robert and Antonia were correct. Yes, he needed closure. He had to see his father again. God knows what they would talk about, but he’d regret not meeting with the man and saying his piece. The bitterness would follow him for the rest of his days if he didn’t nip this in the bud. Despite the way their conversation turned o
ut, Aiden had heard Antonia’s words from yesterday’s ride home. Even if the best case scenario magically unfolded and his father apologized, it still wouldn’t change the past. He was still walking around with something missing. He had to give himself the love he’d missed all those years ago. Aiden felt her words ring in his mind as clearly as he felt her warm hand pressed to his chest, over his heart.
Aiden glanced at the time. If he took off now, he could be back to meet with Antonia in the evening. After this whole messy business was finished, he would plan the next leg of the journey with her. The idea of taking her to Galway filled him with energy as he quickly washed up and changed his clothes. When he looked a bit more presentable, he grabbed his keys and left the cottage. He was on his way to Clifden.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
For once, his father was actually true to his word.
He was still in Clifden at the small B&B near the bay. When Aiden asked the front desk to call him down, Liam appeared in the lobby about thirty minutes later looking about as haggard as Aiden remembered. His father had obviously hit the bottle hard with his seafaring earnings, and it showed in his glassy eyes and red face. A handsome man used to be under that battered face, possibly one his mother fell in love with.
Aiden stuffed his hands in his pockets as he gazed at his father. “I wanted to talk if you had time.”
Liam ran a hand over his mouth. “Sure, I got time.” His eyes darted toward the exit. “Lowry’s is just down the street if you want a drink.”
Aiden took a deep breath. “It’s still morning, Liam. How about we stay here for some tea?” He gestured to the quiet dining room behind them. The breakfast crowd had already dispersed, leaving them with some privacy.
Liam gave a noncommittal shrug and followed him to the empty dining room. Aiden went straight to where the coffee and tea station was and set about preparing two cups of tea. Behind him, a chair scraped against the floor as his father took a seat. Either this was the dumbest thing he’d ever attempted or this would finally release him. Aiden stirred hot water in both cups and tried not to think about the consequences of his decision to return to Clifden. When he carried the tea to the table, Liam was lounging in his seat, tapping his calloused fingers against the table surface. His expression was the same as yesterday’s: Anywhere else was a better place to be than here.
