by Karin Baine
She didn’t have friends or family around and it was natural she should reach out for the nearest available substitute. He’d do well to remember that’s all he was in the picture.
‘Would you like me to hunt down a wheelchair to get you to the car?’ Cal waited patiently as Izzy packed her newly prescribed medication and toiletries into the bag he’d brought for her.
She gave him a sidelong look. ‘Would you like me to get a wheelchair to take you to the car?’
‘Okay, okay. I was only trying to save you a walk.’ He held his hands up in surrender. Secretly, he was pleased she was back to her fighting best. For him it was a better sign she was on the mend than her improved blood pressure and blood test results. Even if he’d miss his temporary position as chief hand-holder.
‘I’ve been cooped up in bed too long. I need the exercise and some fresh air. Not to mention something to eat that doesn’t resemble baby food. Can we stop somewhere on the way home?’ She whispered the request, presumably to prevent offending anyone from hospital catering if they overheard.
‘I can do better than that. I’ve stocked up on fresh fruit and vegetables and I’m going to cook you a veritable welcome-home feast. Anything your heart desires.’ Cal bowed and grabbed her luggage before she insisted on carrying it herself.
From now on, he intended to provide her with wholesome, nutritious meals to ensure she wouldn’t be lacking in any more essential vitamins or minerals. Avoiding any further upsetting overnight hospital stays.
‘For now, I’d be happy if you took me home and put the kettle on.’ Izzy softened a little towards him, slipping her arm through his and leaning against him for the duration of the short walk to the car.
‘I think I can manage that.’ He had worried that her defences had reassembled during the time since she’d last seen him and that she might have regretted their cosy bedtime cuddle session. On his return home, Cal’s bed had suddenly seemed so vast and empty compared to that hospital trolley. Even more so than after Janet had left him. It was only with some considerable thought, comparing that one spooning session with Izzy against years of sharing a bed with Janet, he realised proximity to someone didn’t actually constitute the nature of a close relationship.
They’d gone through the motions together as a couple, but they’d never had that bond he had with Izzy. Which was probably why Janet had never approved of their friendship.
Yesterday, experiencing that pain and worry together and finally expressing some of the emotions they’d tried to keep locked down, had finally cemented their bond. Their only worry now should be making sure these babies were safely delivered into the world.
He unlocked the car, which he’d parked as close to the entrance as he dared, risking a fine to save Izzy an uphill walk to the car park. Instead of climbing into the passenger seat, as he’d expected, Izzy suddenly turned around and said, ‘Thank you for everything, Calum,’ and kissed him full on the lips.
He drove on autopilot, in a loved-up haze, back to the home they shared. The only place he knew both of them wanted to be, where they could close the door and re-create that cocoon. Where all they needed was each other.
* * *
Izzy had spent the rest of the week under house arrest as per Cal’s orders. She knew it wasn’t a control issue, she’d worked alongside Cal long enough to know he wasn’t the kind of guy who needed to exert his authority every second of the day. However, he was compassionate and well mannered. Not usually qualities a woman would find irritating unless she was used to being fiercely independent.
She was going stir crazy forced to stay in one place for so long, not permitted to lift a finger to do anything. It was alien to her, being so cosseted that she didn’t know how to deal with it. So she’d gone back to being her bolshie self, giving Cal a hard time and accusing him of suffocating her because deep down she was afraid of jumping his bones for paying her a bit of attention.
Not that he’d have let her expend that sort of energy, even if he had reciprocated these new feelings she’d been harbouring towards him. She’d thought that night in the hospital and that wonderful sensation of falling asleep in his arms had been the start of something more between them. Except he’d turned into her carer since then with no inclination towards anything other than nursing her.
He hadn’t reacted to the kiss she’d given him when they’d left the hospital and so she’d consigned it to the list of bad decisions she’d made regarding suitable men. She’d taken his kindness and understanding and tried to sabotage the relationship they did have by taking it somewhere he might not have wanted it to go. What else could Cal have done when she’d made him get into her bed and poured her heart except to make her feel better? She’d provided the awkward element by attempting to extend that moment beyond the hospital walls.
Unfortunately, this imposed relaxation was having the opposite effect it was supposed to have on her. Instead of keeping her calm and chilled out, it was giving her too much time to obsess about everything that had happened recently or could happen in the near future.
She’d tried everything to distract her thoughts from Cal and what he was doing without her at work. Including watching so much trashy daytime television she wanted to scratch her eyes out. Taking up knitting hadn’t helped either. There were so many holes in the simple squares she’d attempted to piece into a blanket it looked more like crochet.
Izzy lit on him the second she heard the key in the lock, desperate for some human company instead of the virtual kind. ‘You should have texted to let me know you were on your way home. I could have had dinner in the oven for you.’
She felt like a nineteen-fifties housewife, waiting barefoot and pregnant for the centre of her universe to come home from work and give her life some meaning. She really needed to get back to work and do something useful. Never in a million years could she have pictured herself in the role of the happy housewife because she’d never imagined it existed. Although she’d go mad if she spent every day tied to the kitchen sink with no outside interests, she had to admit there was a certain appeal in sharing dinner and chores with a man who would happily put her on a pedestal.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to do that. You’re supposed to be taking it easy.’ Cal hung up his jacket and rolled up his shirtsleeves, preparing to go into the kitchen and start making dinner. He was one in a million and easy to take advantage of if you were an unscrupulous user like his ex. On the other hand, this total pampering deal made her feel uncomfortable because she didn’t know what to do with herself.
‘Cal, I’ve been taking it so easy I’m practically comatose. I’m fine. The midwife confirmed that at my last appointment. My blood pressure is where it should be, as are my iron levels. Besides, you’ve cooked and labelled enough food to see out the entire pregnancy. All I’d have to do is microwave it.’ Given his history it was no wonder he was used to doing his Florence Nightingale bit, but he couldn’t carry on in this vein or she’d burst a blood vessel from pent-up frustration.
‘You say that as though it’s a bad thing.’
‘It’s not that I don’t appreciate all your effort to take care of me, Cal. I’m simply not used to it. You know I’m not the type to sit on my backside and let everyone run around after me, no matter what the circumstances. I’m going back to work on Monday and before you say anything I’ll make sure it’s as ground crew only.’ Then she wouldn’t get in anyone’s way and could still remain part of the team. She wasn’t asking his permission, but she did respect him enough to inform him of her decision.
He nodded. ‘It’s one hundred per cent your choice, Iz. All I wanted to do was fulfil my promise to take care of you and the babies.’
‘I know.’ And she loved him for it. If only his actions were based on more than a misplaced sense of duty.
‘Look, why don’t we go out for a meal?’
Izzy was tempted to ask if he meant as a date, b
ut it was more likely to be a compromise, so she had to dampen down her initial excitement that they were making progress on their personal relationship.
‘It would be nice to leave these four walls and pay a visit into civilisation.’ Izzy also realised it would be the first time they’d gone out to a restaurant as anything other than work colleagues. She couldn’t help but hope for the day when they did it as a couple, or even a family.
‘It’s a date, then. Give me ten minutes to shower and change and we’ll hit the town.’ Cal bounded up the stairs to freshen up, while Izzy did her best to get her fluttering pulse back under control.
* * *
‘I get the impression our waiter thinks we’re having some sort of clandestine affair,’ Izzy whispered across the secluded, candlelit table, which had obviously been set to create a romantic scene.
Cal grinned at her, clearly amused by being ushered towards the dark corner with her, away from businessmen and noisy young families.
‘Then maybe we should give him something to talk about.’ He took her hand and lifted it to his mouth, brushing his lips across her fingers and making shivers dance their way across her skin. Her brain might have decided one or two kisses were probably best forgotten, but her body was keen to remind her of the intensity of sensations his touch alone could cause.
Whilst she tried to get her thoughts and rogue body parts under control, she noticed he’d gone quiet too. It really was time they were honest about what was happening between them on an emotional level.
‘Cal, I think it’s us who have something to talk about.’
For once he didn’t pull away from her when they were veering towards the important issues affecting their relationship and held her hand fast in his.
‘I know. We’ve kind of let things run away from us.’ He was smiling, so it seemed he didn’t totally regret those flashes of passion which kept flaring up between them.
‘I just want to know where I stand. Where we stand, Cal.’ She was putting everything they did have on the line by asking for that clarification, but they couldn’t go on pretending they were able to suppress those urges for ever. The next time they gave in to them she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to being just friends. Not now love had become part of the equation for her.
It had come slowly, creeping in along with the friendship and passion they’d cultivated over time, but as she’d learned, ignoring her feelings didn’t make them go away. If anything, it simply left them to spin out of control and with time running out before the babies came along, it was more important than ever to get some clarity on their relationship. She wanted to put down roots for her family but only if there was a strong, stable foundation available for them.
Of course, their waiter arrived back with their meals at the most inconvenient time, forcing them to break apart and lose that physical connection.
‘Thanks.’ Cal smiled politely at their server while Izzy did her best to hold her tongue until he left.
‘I mean, we’re going to be a family, whether you like it or not.’ Weeks of pussy-footing around him in case she frightened him off by making him face the truth finally caught up with her and she ignored her delicious plate of Cajun chicken pasta to confront this head on.
Cal hung his head and sighed. ‘I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t been the most excited father-to-be, but after Janet I’m a bit more cautious about the idea of family.’
‘No kidding.’ Izzy speared a piece of pasta and cursed that woman for making their lives more complicated than they needed to be. If it hadn’t been for her cruel treatment of such a wonderful man, she and Cal might have settled down together by now and be looking forward to the birth of their children. Not fearing the event would trigger more betrayal or heartbreak.
They both ate in silence, but Izzy couldn’t enjoy her dinner when it was overpowered by the taste of bitterness in her mouth.
Eventually Cal broke first, giving her some insight to the workings of his troubled mind. ‘I did want it all at one time. You know, the wife and kids and the white picket fence. After my parents died all I wanted was to re-create that feeling of having my family around me.’
‘And now? That’s what’s available to you but you’re pushing us all away.’ Izzy was tired of paying for someone else’s mistakes. She and the babies deserved more than that.
‘At first I was afraid you regretted our night together, that there was no real future for us. I tried to fight those feelings I had for you, which were about more than getting you back into bed again.’ He grinned at her and she didn’t know what had shaken her more, that smile, him opening up to her, or finally telling her he thought about her as more than a convenience. Whatever it was, she wanted more of it.
‘I thought I could separate our relationship from the babies. A stupid notion, I know, but in my head, loving them could be my ultimate downfall. You never gave me any indication you wanted anything serious between us and I thought if you decided someday you could do better than me, I’d lose these babies the same way I lost the last one.’ That pain was still so obvious in his eyes and in his quivering voice Izzy could understand why he was still trying to protect himself, even if it came at the price of her peace of mind.
‘These are your babies too. I would never take them away from you. A family means more to me than anything because, unlike you, I’ve never had one, Cal. You don’t know what it’s like to grow up knowing your own parents didn’t want you and people had to be paid to take you in. I’ve had so many foster parents I don’t remember all of their names. I want better for my children. I need them to know they’re loved every day of their lives. That means growing up in a house with a father who shows them that and, let’s be honest, you haven’t been thrilled at the prospect of becoming a dad, have you?’
If they were sweeping away the debris from the past to clear the path for a happy future together then they needed to be completely honest with each other.
‘I’ve told you why I’ve been holding back. I’m sorry I can’t give you more than that.’ He was leaving it up to her to decide if she was willing to risk her heart again on a future with someone who couldn’t commit one hundred per cent to her.
‘I appreciate your honesty, but I need someone who’s going to put me first, to make my children his priority. It might seem selfish, but after Gerry I’m done with being second best.’ There was every chance Cal could tell her to get lost with her demands, but it was better to know now if she was asking too much from him than finding out when it was too late.
‘Hey, I’m not Gerry.’ He sounded angry at the comparison and it was no wonder after everything he’d heard about his predecessor, but this wasn’t about soothing his ego. It was about protecting her babies.
‘Was everything okay for you?’ Their waiter with the bad sense of timing arrived back at the table, staring pointedly at the discarded plates still laden with food.
‘Fine, thanks.’ Izzy didn’t mean to snap but she wanted to finish this conversation before Cal shut her out again and left her guessing about where they stood as a couple or as a family.
Suitably cowed, he cleared the table without further comment. Cal waited until he was completely out of earshot before he continued his defence.
‘Gerry was selfish, not thinking of anyone but himself in the decisions he made. I like to think I’m doing the opposite. I want to take my time and make sure everything I’m doing is for the right reasons. I won’t apologise for wanting to do right by all of us.’ With that logic Izzy couldn’t fault him. Perhaps it was a lot to expect him to outline all his plans for the future, including how he was going to feel about the babies once they got here, when it was clear he was still trying to adjust to the idea of being a father.
Cal got up to pay the bill, not waiting for it to be brought to the table, and Izzy had to hurry to catch him as he exited the restaurant without her. He was angry at having
to justify himself to her yet again and she realised she had to make some concessions for the way he had let her stay with him in the first place, despite his reservations.
‘Cal, stop. Please.’ This evening could’ve been a chance for a romantic evening together, strengthening that connection she so desperately wanted. Instead she was in danger of pushing him away for ever by asking so much of him.
‘It’s just... I don’t know what I’d do without you, Cal. I’m afraid of losing you.’ Standing there in the street, with Cal refusing to even look at her, was sufficient to make her teary. She’d done the unthinkable and fallen for him somewhere along the way. It wasn’t simply that she’d become accustomed to him being there for her, providing for her every need, but he’d become part of her life, part of her. Without him she knew she couldn’t function properly and that wasn’t a position she’d ever intended to let herself get into again when it meant depending on one person for her happiness.
He came back to her in a heartbeat, sliding his hands around her waist and rubbing his nose against hers. ‘I’m not going anywhere without you, Fizz, unless you ask me to.’
It wasn’t a declaration of undying love, but she was sure it was there in his kiss as he claimed her mouth once more. He was tender and loving, as he was in all things, but Izzy demanded proof this time that this was more than him simply comforting or placating her.
She weaved her fingers into his mop of unruly hair and pulled him in deeper, seeking to find if the true nature of his affections transcended mere emotions. There was no mistaking the extent of his loyalty to her but she didn’t want either of them to confuse it for something else that might never have been there in the first place.
She needn’t have worried. Once she gave the green light that this was what she wanted from him, Cal pulled her hard against him, his passion leaving her legs weak at the knees.
