by A. P. Marie
The soft bed under my back and the white walls around my bed feel so foreign that I sleep poorly that night. Most of the night I lay awake, waiting for someone to come tell me that this was a sick joke. Part of me is excited and proud that I was able to please him enough to get to sleep on an actual bed and the other part is sure that this will end poorly.
As each hour ticks by I start to relax more and more into the situation. Surely, if they were taking me to training, they would have come already.
With nothing to do but stare at the ceiling my thoughts drift towards Zander and Caiden again. I have felt very little from Zander since the night that his hopelessness overwhelmed me, and I haven’t heard anything from Caiden since my dream. I would like to say that I feel bad about the betrayal I felt from Zander, but that would be a lie. I hate everything about the kiss because it wasn’t what I wanted. I hate it for myself so much that I can’t spare any room for Zander’s desires. I’m not his. I’m not Caiden’s. And I sure as hell am not Cam’s.
I have avoided purposely contacting them and as far as I can tell they haven’t tried to contact me either. The longer we are apart the easier it is to forget what they meant to me when we were together. The longing in my bones to be near Zander hasn’t lessened but I have compartmentalized the desire to the point that I barely feel it anymore. It is locked away with the part of me that I was before I was brought into this house.
That me would be devastated by what I have become. I haven’t made a snarky comment in weeks. I haven’t rolled my eyes except when I am sure no one will see me. I have begged for mercy from a man who doesn’t deserve even a thought from me. And tonight, worst of all, I let him kiss me.
I decided to go along with his manipulations to avoid pain, but for the first time, I wonder where it will take me. How far will this go before I either succumb to him completely or go off the deep end and try to stab him with a spoon at dinner?
I drift to sleep with a smile on my face as I imagine torturing Cam with a spoon.
∞∞∞
The sound of the key sliding into the knob wakes me before the sun has risen. When the door pushes open Cam walks into my room.
I sit up in bed and use the sheets to cover my tank top. I slept in the clothes he had left for me yesterday but something about having him see me lying in bed makes me feel even more vulnerable than normal.
“Come, I have something to show you.” Cam turns and walks out the door without checking to see if I will follow. I scramble out of bed to make sure that I don’t upset him by hesitating.
Cam walks quickly down the hall but instead of heading back downstairs he goes in a direction we have not gone before. He stops in front of a set of double doors and a million thoughts run through my mind. None of which come near what lays beyond the doors.
When Cam pushes the door open, I don’t find a torture room, a bedroom, or any of the things that my fear pushes to the forefront of my mind. Instead, I walk into a giant room, lined floor to ceiling with books. There are big books, and small books, leather books, and paperback books. I have never seen so many books in one place outside of a library.
“This is the history of our people. I have every book I could get my hands on that details anything about our past. You can read them when you have pleased me. Today, you have access to them.” He smiles politely at me and his face transforms into a look of pride and expectation. It’s clear that expects me to be thankful for this opportunity and after all the work that I’ve put in the last few weeks, I can’t risk disappointing him now. I can’t seem to connect my brain to my body though. My consciousness is floating somewhere right above my body as the realization of what he is offering settles into me.
I have always been independent. It was a product of my upbringing. But ever since I have learned about what I was I have had to struggle with my dependence. I relied on Zander, Caiden, and Jacob. The only things I know about what I am and what it means is what I have been told. Zander opened his library to me but the kind of information I needed wasn’t available in it. Now, for the first time, I am being given the opportunity to learn about my species from an unbiased source (or as unbiased as history books are capable of being).
A warmth builds low in my stomach and increases until heat is radiating from my chest and filling my core. It’s a warmth that I haven’t felt in what feels like ages. The warmth lightens my limbs and the corners of my lips.
For the first time I don’t have to manufacture my response in any way. Cam expects me to be thankful and appreciation is blossoming in my body in waves. The feeling is so heady that I react without conscious thought.
My body moves as if it is on autopilot. It functions on its own without approval from my mind. I find myself in Cam’s arms with tears of happiness streaming down my face. My forehead in pressed into his collarbone and my arms are wrapped tightly around his neck. Slowly, he brings his hands around my waist and holds me flush to him.
“Thank you, Cam. I can’t tell you what this means to me.” My voice is breathy and low with gratitude.
“If you please me, I will give you anything you desire.” Cam’s lips move against the shell of my ear and when I finally look into his face, his eyebrow is wrinkled in confusion.
“I want this, Cam. I want to have access to this information, and I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy. I promise.” There isn’t even an inkling of deceit to be found in my tone because I mean what I said with every fiber of my being.
“Good. I’m glad to hear that.” His lips lift into a smirk as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my hair. “I’ve been wandering what it would take to get you on my side. If I knew a library would have been enough, I would have brought you here first. Maybe we wouldn’t even have had to have so many training sessions.” As he’s speaking his fingers skim over the fading bruises on my arm and it’s enough to remind me who I’m talking to.
As much as I need this information Cam isn’t giving it willingly to please me or to help me. He’s doing this because it helps him and that’s it. But two can play at this game, so I lean up and brush my lips lightly against his cheek before taking my first step into the room
∞∞∞
Cam settled behind a large desk and pulled out stacks of paper. Whatever Cam does for a living clearly leaves him with a lot of paperwork. The books in this room come in every variation imaginable and the idea of sorting through the thousands and thousands of books presents a daunting task that even my desire for knowledge can’t downplay.
So, I prioritize, I want a basic overview of our history first. Then, if I have specific questions, I can look into the answers for those. It’s not that I don’t trust Zander’s history lesson, I just don’t want to rely on what Zander has told me about the Nephilim.
There doesn’t seem to be any obvious organization system in use for the books and without some help I might read book after book and not find what I’m looking for. The most obvious answer would be to ask Cam for help, but I have never seen Cam at work before and I don’t know if interrupting him will earn me a punishment.
Glancing over my shoulder, Cam’s head is down, and he is clearly engrossed in whatever he is working on. Making up my mind to ask for Cam’s help I walk to him. As I come in reaching distance of his desk, I allow my fingers to glide slowly over the papers that lay in front of him, a word catches my attention, but I can’t stop to look as I step between him and his desk. He reluctantly looks up from his paperwork. His lips tighten ominously and fear washes through my body. Scrambling for some way to save the situation I plop unceremoniously into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck.
“I was wandering if you could point me in the direction of a book that could teach me about the history of the Nephilim.” My lips brush his neck as I voice my question and I hold my breath in expectation. I either just made a huge mistake or I saved myself a lot of trouble and it all depends on this mercurial man beneath me.
“I suppose I could help you. For a price.”<
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He smirks widely as his eyes scan my body and suddenly my pajamas seem indecent, but I lean into his chest and rest my lips against his neck as I whisper, “Anything.”
Under my shoulder his chest rumbles with his chuckle and his arm snakes around my waist and rests lightly on my butt. “Give me a kiss.” His breath tickles the small hairs on the back of my neck.
When I agreed to play this game, I accepted this possibility. It isn’t even the first time we’ve kissed. But it will be the first time I kissed him. The situation makes me feel cheap and used but I can’t let that show even a little. A screaming piece of my soul chastises me for playing along. She wants me to tell him to go to hell and accept whatever punishment may come. But I need this information. Without it I’m helpless. Even if I manage to leave this place, I would still be relying on information from someone else.
So, when I raise my head there is no inkling of indecision on my face. My lips brush against his neck and across his jaw as I work my way up towards his mouth. Cam’s hand tightens on my butt and I moan lightly into the hollow behind his ear. When my lips finally find his, he claims my mouth in an aggressive battle of wills.
His tongue slips into my mouth and his hand squeezes my behind as his other hand works its way up my side and grasps my breast. Disgust pounds against my brain and my stomach squeezes uncomfortably. Doing my best to suppress my gag reflex I shut my brain down. Struggling to keep myself from hurling, I do the only thing I can think of. I picture Zander.
Trying to imagine Zander in this chair with me, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and bring my chest snug against his. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to buy into the BS I’m selling, something keeps rejecting the fantasy. A tickle of a memory keeps creeping into the forefront of my mind. A memory of Caiden swinging me around his apartment. His smiling face shining and that sense of comfort radiating through my entire being.
Impulsively, I deepen the kiss and swing my leg over Caiden’s hip so I’m straddling him. Focusing on that sense of home and comfort I lean into his chest like the distance between us is causing me pain. Because it is. When his hands find the skin on my back and run up my bare skin, I can’t hide the shudder. I moan wildly and kiss him without abandon because this is right. Whatever else may come, Caiden is home.
Caiden bites my lip and tangles his fingers into the hair at the back of my neck. His grip tightens to an uncomfortable level and his image in my mind fades a little. When he bites my lip hard enough that I gasp I have to focus on keeping the image of Caiden in the forefront. His lips separate from mine, skimming down my neck where he nips me painfully.
“You have pleased me greatly, my pet.”
His low growl surges around me and the image I had created of Caiden shatters. It wasn’t his voice and I can’t delude myself into believing that it was. Hiding my face in Cam’s neck I try to get a handle on myself before he realizes that something is wrong.
“As a reward, I will help you find the book you need.” He stands, lifting me with him. I lower my legs to the ground and try to separate from him, all without ever looking him in the eyes. I know that if I don’t get myself together soon, he’ll notice, but I just can’t forget the feeling of Caiden touching me.
Cam uses his pointer finger to lift my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. It’s not surprising that anger flashes quickly through his eyes. I’m not behaving as he has trained me to.
“You will explain to me why you won’t look me in the eyes. Right now!” If after everything I just did I ruined it by freaking out afterwards I could never forgive myself. “If this is about him…”
I cut Cam off by placing my palm against his cheek. “This has nothing to do with anyone but us. I’m just embarrassed. I’ve never moved so quickly with anyone before. I don’t want you to think poorly of me.” As I’m speaking, I reach my hand down and thread my fingers through his. Cam’s idea of a relationship is ten shades of fucked up, but a relationship seems to be what he expects from me.
Immediately, his face softens, and he uses our joined hands to pull my body into his. “This is why I will make the decisions for us. You are not allowed to feel any guilt over this because how far we go, and when, isn’t up to you. It is up to me.” The sentiment was almost sweet in a weird overly dominant way until… “You don’t seem to understand when I tell you that you belong to me. Everything you are is mine. If I want to fuck you every day, I will. If I want to fuck you in front of every soldier I have, I will. You have no say in any of it.”
Worrying again that he might be working himself up to a rage I step closer to him. “Of course. You’re right. I just… forgot. I’m sorry.”
“Your relationships in the past didn’t work because they couldn’t give you what you need, but I can. I understand it might take you a little while to get used to a real relationship, so I won’t punish you for this. This once. But do not ever question my control over you again.” As he finishes, he gives my behind a rough slap that is too hard to be playful and he seals his lips against mine.
The kiss is brief and dominating and he stalks off before I can make heads or tails of anything. Inside I’m raging at his insinuation that he knows me better than Caiden or Zander did. It infuriates me that he considers this relationship more valid than my relationships with them. It strikes me then just how stupid I was to continue to fight against my feelings for Zander and Caiden. All three of us feel a draw that holds us together. I need Caiden and Zander both in my life, but I wasted my time with them by fighting against my own desires.
If I ever make it out of this hell hole, I will never take them for granted again. Life is too short to waste another day fighting against what I want or need. I need Caiden and Zander in my life, and no matter what it takes, I will make sure that they both know it.
Following Cam to a row of books, he points to the book on the far left. It’s an old tome that looks as if it hasn’t been read in quite some time.
“This book outlines the history of the Nephilim. I think it should have what you need to get started. You will take it back to your room. I will not have you distracting me anymore today.” He doesn’t even spare me a glance as he turns back to his desk and starts rifling through the paperwork left there.
When I round the corner of the next bookshelf, I pick a book at random and bring it with me. I don’t know what I grabbed, but part of me is happy just knowing I haven’t done exactly as he has asked.
As soon as I am out of his line of sight, I flip him the double bird and roll my eyes emphatically. Sure, he can’t see it, but it still makes me feel better. I take the book back to my room and settle against the wall still sitting on the bed. Funnily enough, he thinks this is some form of punishment, but I can’t think of any better situation. Alone time, in a comfortable room, with a book that is sure to keep me entertained. What’s not to like?
∞∞∞
I press my fingers back into my temples and groan quietly. There isn’t a clock in this room, so I don’t know how long it has been since I started reading but based on my headache, I’d say I’ve been at it for several hours.
The second book I grabbed is a genealogy book and boring as fuck. I found Zander’s family line and that interested me for about 30 seconds. Then I found a Fallen Nephilim who was listed as the leader of the fallen, named Burris Appleton. I didn’t even know the fallen Nephilim had a leader. The poor schmuck had a terrible name. Reading generations’ worth of names of people you have never met is useless, so the book lays in the corner, where I tossed it hours ago
The history book has all sorts of information, including some more useless names of long dead Nephilim. All the dates and names are already jumbled in my brain. I seem to have retained the gist of the history (as far as I have read anyway) and a lot of it matches up with what Zander had told me.
Originally, Lucifer and his buddies wanted to be more important to God than the humans. ‘Kay, I think I’m good on that bit. God kicked Lucifer and his minions out of H
eaven, and they became the fallen. Many of the fallen had a weird obsession with humans. Something about trying to figure out what God was so fascinated by or something. Because of that obsession several (many? The book wasn’t specific on an actual number) of the Fallen ended us reproducing with humans. This off-spring became the Fallen Nephilim.
Interestingly, the divine Nephilim (or the good guys) were made in a similar, yet different way. The divine Nephilim are descendants from divine Angels who chose to come to Earth. Apparently, the Fallen Nephilim were running around unchecked, so God gathered up some angels and asked them to come to Earth. Their mission? Go have sex. God needed an army of Divine Nephilim, so he sent his trusted angels to make them.
Many of the divine angels ascended after they created lots of little half-angel-half-human babies, but a few were asked to stay behind to help monitor the divine Nephilim. You know, to make sure they were out there controlling the fallen Nephilim. For hundreds of years the divine Nephilim were all considered even. After some time though, God decreed that they needed a leader. He found the line of Nephilim descended from his strongest angel and he declared that they would be King of the Nephilim and he granted that line special gifts.
For instance, no Nephilim gifts work on the King or his blood. The King can also turn others’ gifts on and off. Not just with proximity, but permanently. If a fallen Nephilim were caught breaking the rules the King could take the Nephilim’s gifts away with just the touch of his fingers. He also has ultimate say in any disagreements. You can always appeal to the council, but this book said that they have never sided against a King. Ever.
What I hadn’t heard much about from Zander was the Fallen Nephilim. For instance, I didn’t know that the Fallen Nephilim have tried to claim independence, several times. But the King has been granted power over all Nephilim, including the Fallen. Even though several revolts have occurred, none have been even remotely successful. When the person you are fighting against can turn your gifts off, you don’t stand much of a chance. So, the Divine and the Fallen have fallen into an unfriendly cohabitation.
