by J. C. Owens
It went on and on, cruel beyond belief, and then—as suddenly as it had begun—Dersai went limp and stared at the ceiling. Only his chest moved as he panted for air.
Jaden reached out tentatively, his own fear rising. Was this the demon…or the child…or Dersai? His fingers hovered over Dersai’s body, then slowly, with trepidation, descended onto that broad chest, stroking soothingly. He did not dare speak; he was too afraid of the answer.
Dersai did not respond to the touch for several torturous moments. His skin was so very cold to the touch. Then his hand crept up to cover Jaden’s. Jaden froze, not knowing what to expect. Dersai let out a long, low sigh from the very center of his being; then he slowly tilted his head to meet Jaden’s worried stare.
There was no expression in Dersai’s eyes, nor on his face. He was utterly blank. He only stared at Jaden for long, tension-laden minutes. Nothing was evident of his thoughts; only his hand indicated anything more.
Then so very slowly those long, dark fingers flexed over Jaden’s. Dersai’s other hand rose with trembling effort to caress the younger man’s cheek. Jaden’s breath caught. Shaking, he then took the leap of faith. He leaned over Dersai and very softly and tenderly laid his lips on that beloved mouth.
There was no response for heartbreaking moments. Then suddenly Dersai arched beneath him and kissed back. His moan vibrated into Jaden’s mouth. It was like a dam broke between them; there was no way for them to get close enough, touch enough. Their breaths were stuttering and broken, needy and desperate, and they held tightly to each other, desperate for contact despite Dersai’s wounds.
Jaden pulled back just slightly, needing, wanting to look into his lover’s eyes. The sadness and devastation, the weary despair there made Jaden flinch, made him want to weep himself. His Dersai was back, but at what cost? The emperor’s sunken, haunted look spoke of the incredible effort it had taken to defeat the demon within, to return…and to what? A lover who had betrayed him in the cruelest of ways.
The weight of guilt grew within Jaden, crushing him, stealing his very breath. There was no way to ease this; he had brought this about. He deserved anything and everything Dersai chose to do to him. Whether he cast him out or made him slave again, treated him harshly—none of it would be enough to expiate Jaden’s shame.
He took Dersai’s hand and kissed the palm quixotically, praying to any god that might be listening for the strength to at least attempt to allay the damage to Dersai’s heart. He at least owed Dersai an explanation of why. Jaden sucked in a deep breath, gathering courage to him and reaching within himself to say what was right, to at least partially mend what he had so heedlessly wounded.
“I love you, Dersai, for what you may feel that is worth at this moment. I was unequivocally a blind idiot. I let the past overcome me, let my experiences with others override my common sense and above all my heart. You have given me back my self-respect and opened me to the possibility of a love I could never have foreseen nor even imagined. You have done so much, yet my past came to strike me down, made me lash out at the one person who has cared enough to try to heal me, understand me. I cannot ask you to forgive me; I cannot even conceive of forgiving myself. All I want is for you to understand that it came from some deep, dark place within me. You had done nothing to provoke it. You had done nothing to deserve it. Even your love could not cleanse it from me. Or perhaps I did not know how to let you in properly, to defeat it once and for all. I am truly, deeply sorry for the hurt I caused you.”
Jaden’s body trembled a little, then slumped with the relief he felt at finally having said the needed words. He stroked Dersai’s fingers, which he held gently within his own, unable to even meet his eyes and face the condemnation he felt sure had to be there.
He forced himself to continue, needing to fully express his shame. “You have never been, nor will ever be, what I said in anger—not in my heart, which knows much, much more than my mind. I cannot even think those words that I flung at you without applying them to myself. I am the monster.”
He could say no more; his chest felt so tight that he just wanted Dersai to finish it, to dismiss him, to give him whatever punishment he felt was warranted so that Jaden could sink into despair, where he belonged. Cruel words were the least of what he expected and deserved.
Instead, Dersai smiled. It was wan and weary and shaky at best, but it was a smile. And it was the most beautiful thing in the world to Jaden. Understanding, compassion…and yes, love shone in Dersai’s eyes. It was clearly Dersai and no other staring back at Jaden.
“My dearest love, how could I possibly judge you? Whether or not it was purposeful, in the beginning my actions have had a great impact upon you. You have undergone so very much, none of it your own choice. Even when I had you at last, it was not by your choice.”
Dersai put a finger over Jaden’s lips when the younger man would have spoken. “It is true. Do not defend me. I should have courted you from the beginning, but in all my life, Jaden, I had never been in love before. I wanted you, needed you, but I did not understand what else intertwined with that. All I could think of was that you must not leave me. I could not lose you when I had so miraculously found you. So I chained you, forced you to stay…” Tears rose in his eyes.
Jaden stopped the words with a kiss, unable to endure more.
“But then you gave me back my self, Dersai. We have both made mistakes, both given hurt.” Jaden paused. His heart was in his throat, and he trembled with the faintest hope that had emerged with his lover’s words, at his lack of blame, and with how he had addressed Jaden—his dearest love. Dersai loved him. Dear gods, Dersai loved him, Jaden—a foolish, impulsive man with a past full of pain and a tainted body and soul. But Dersai knew all this, and still he loved him.
It was hard to comprehend. Where did they go from here? Was what had been shattered able to be mended or even built anew? Jaden hardly had the courage to hope.
“Stay with me, Jaden. Be my consort, my love, my partner in everything. Be my wolf for whatever time the gods gift us. Never leave me.” Dersai smiled fondly as Jaden’s tears finally overflowed and began to track down his cheeks, his eyes wide with all he felt—all the hope and love that had seemed so far away mere moments ago.
“We will bring my sons home, raise them, love them and your sister and Rem and whomever else you deem to need care. We will be a family, and our love will make Tranaden stronger than ever before. There will be no mad emperor, not in my time.” He gathered Jaden into his arms and held him as the younger man sobbed in joy and disbelief.
They lay there, holding each other, reassuring each other, and beginning to truly believe in the love that now flowed so freely between them, no longer hidden and misunderstood.
They laughed at last as they freed themselves from all that had gone before.
Dersai’s lips tilted a little wryly as he stroked back Jaden’s hair.
“We should go speak to Rafe, put the poor man at ease. He can put the gun away for good now.”
Jaden kissed him. Laughing with the sheer giddiness of relief and joy, they rose to face the future. Together.
Epilogue
Jaden watched with critical eyes as the birthday present he had given Dersai was prepared for its place.
There were a great many people in the massive hall, and it was a little chaotic with all the celebrations taking place. To the right, Rem was leaning on his soldier lover, both of them content. Across the room, Jaden could see Yamina flirting with Yuris, of all people, and it did not seem to be distasteful or unwelcome to the young man.
Jaden frowned a little. He would have to watch that sister of his. Ever since she reached fifteen… The world was not ready for her. It had been a blessing of the greatest order to find out that she had not been abused during her slavery. She had been companion to a noble girl and had never suffered cruelty. Jaden gave daily thanks to the gods for that.
Jaden kept an eye out for Dersai’s sons—their sons—who were darting here and there
in the crush of bodies, chasing other children. They were starting to get out of hand. Jaden might have to step in…
A large hand came down and stopped the oldest boy in his tracks. He looked up into his father’s face and sagged a little. Jaden saw Dersai say something to the little hooligan, but then the emperor grinned and bent down to kiss the top of the tousled head. The boy nodded, smiling lovingly at his father before sliding off at a slower speed, then taking his brother in hand along with the other children. They disappeared into an adjoining room to start another, no doubt safer, game.
Their energy was astounding.
Dersai looked up, met Jaden’s gaze and gave his lover a roguish wink. Jaden shook his head, but he was smiling none the less. The palace was alive with noise and life and happiness, and it resounded in Jaden and those around him. So much had changed and grown and improved in Tranaden over the last three years, as though the strength of their leaders, their love, and their dedication resounded through the lands.
Other countries, even Astoria, had become more aware of the possibility of true peace and the lure of trade with the formerly feared Tranaden when they saw its leader so very happy, if still unapproachable. But the consort, he was a man to talk to—stern yet personable and with the emperor’s backing. Jaden had become extremely good with public relations and had formed a team of diplomats to keep an eye on both potential allies and threats, often nipping a problem in the bud before the emperor even learned of it.
But all this was far from Jaden’s mind at the moment. He gestured Dersai over, drawing his emperor down for a kiss that had the crowd clapping and whistling in a most undignified manner for those of noble blood. Dersai did not even have the grace to blush. He merely grinned and lifted Jaden against him for a quick grope that had the younger man flushed and breathless.
Freeing himself, Jaden smacked Dersai for appearance’s sake, keeping him in line—the bad man—then took his hand and led him to where the men were lifting the birthday present into place.
Jaden and Dersai stood together with their people at their back, watching as the painting was hung in its place of honor at the end of the row of portraits—the newest to be added but never the last.
Dersai pulled Jaden in front of him so that they stood front to back in an intimate embrace, feeling each other’s warmth and love.
Above them, the painting was bright and new. In it, Dersai—in one of his formal uniforms and high boots—was portrayed sitting on the throne, legs apart in his usual casual pose, his face calm and cool. But his eyes were clear, with only the faintest bit of shadow, and the hint of a smile lay at the corner of his full lips. His left hand crossed up over his chest and held the fingers of the uniformed man behind him, and that man with chestnut hair and green-gold eyes had been portrayed with a grin on his lips and love in his eyes. On his neck, bold and evident, was a tattoo of a stylized wolf.
A beautiful brass description hung to the side of the new portrait:
Emperor Dersai Ansel Melisande IV with His Consort, Jaden Naraith, the Emperor’s Wolf And surely that deserved a kiss.
Loose Id Titles by J. C. Owens
Gaven
Gaven 2: The Bonding The Emperor’s Wolf Wings
J. C. Owens
J.C. Owens originally wrote historical fiction with three published books under J.C. McGuire and still loves the genre but, having discovered the art of writing erotic male/male fiction, is now obsessed with it. Fantasy backdrops make a beautifully blank page to work with and J.C. only wishes that the characters were real!
J.C. spent many years in a medieval reenactment group, learning and living history, and that persona and experience give life to J.C’s writings. Interest in even more ancient history spurred trips to Italy, Greece, Turkey and Egypt and those experiences also color the characters and worlds of the books.
Love of ferrets and greyhounds and all living creatures is the pivotal point around which J.C’s “real” life revolves.
Most of all, J.C. loves to tell stories…
Check out J.C.’s Web site at http://www.jcowensauthor.net/
