Rolling her fully to her back, he settled between her thighs. “Why do you punish both of us, Amelia?” Pushing into her body, he didn’t look away from her eyes. “How long are you going to let us suffer for something that happened when we were barely more than kids? How many years are you going to define your worth by whether or not you have a womb?”
“It’s more than that now, Leo. So much has happened…”
“Yeah, it really did. A fuck ton of pain happened, Amelia. To you, to me, because you can’t fight destiny.” She closed her eyes. “Look at me.” Brown eyes focused on him. “I fucking know you feel it. I’ve always felt it.”
“I can’t…”
“No. You don’t get off that easy, Amelia. If you leave me again, if you walk away from what we have, it isn’t because you can’t stay...it’s because you won’t stay.”
Putting her hands over her face, she sobbed brokenly. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. We’re two broken halves of the same soul, Amelia. Together, we can patch the break but if you keep running, neither of us will ever feel complete. I’ve lived that half-life for eight years and I’ll be damned if I go back to it.”
He made love to her well into the night, pushing her through one orgasm after another. He kissed, licked, and sucked every inch of Amelia’s body, took her in every position, and kept her mind off balance.
Leo wanted her in complete chaos and he achieved it.
Exhausted, covered in mutual sweat, she stared at him through half-lidded eyes.
He whispered, “From the start, I’ve belonged to you and you’ve belonged to me. You’re the only woman I want, the only woman I’m able to love.”
“Leo...you need a child.”
“With or without you in my life, an heir is the least of my concerns. I promise that the chances of me having one without you are far worse than with you.”
They dozed together and eventually showered. Crawling back in his bed, Leo touched her as he had before he’d ever seen her fully naked body. He learned her through his fingertips and she closed her eyes to soak up every sensation.
“You accept touch as if starved for it. I know what that feels like, Amelia. Other people have touched me but it never sank past the surface of my skin. I’m starved for touch, too.”
She slipped into a deep sleep and Leo watched her. He wasn’t going to talk her into staying with him. The time for talking and explaining was over. Touch was his only weapon and he planned to use it without mercy.
The following morning, he watched her eyes flutter open. She placed her hand on his face.
“Leo.”
“Good morning, Amelia.” He leaned over to kiss her lips. “Take care of things and come back here.”
Nodding, she climbed from the bed and walked naked to his bathroom. When she reappeared a few minutes later, he slid to the floor on his knees in front of her.
Holding her hips, he kissed the tiny scar from her surgery. It didn’t seem big enough to have taken all that it did from them. Resting his face on her lower stomach, he hugged her lower body and stroked the backs of her legs.
Amelia slipped her fingers through his hair. “You wear it longer now.” He could hear the tears in her voice. “I like it.” She shook with emotion.
“I love you, Amelia. I’m sorry you lost the chance to carry a child yourself but that changes nothing about my love for you. Don’t leave me. Stay with me and let me love you.”
“Leo, I-I don’t know what to do.”
He looked up the length of her body. “Yes, you do. You might have gotten sick or confused or frightened...but you’ve always known what to do. Love me and let me love you. It’s what I was created to do, Amelia.”
“Make love to me, Leo.”
Standing, he took her back to bed and did exactly as she asked. She cried often through the day, certain in her own mind that their time together would end.
No matter how much she wanted him, how much she needed him - and Leo could tell how much she did - she was determined to keep her heart locked away.
It was a fight she wouldn’t win. No matter how many years he waited to hold Amelia the first time or how many they’d been apart, one important thing was exactly the same.
Their bodies were keyed to one another.
Each time her eyes drifted closed, he’d whisper, “Watch me love you, Amelia. Watch me worship your body and see that I don’t care about what you think it’s missing.”
His mother brought up a tray and a basket of drinks when they didn’t emerge for twenty-four hours. Leo greeted her at the door. “I was beginnin’ te worry ye’d killed each other up here. Eat somethin’ and feed that poor darlin’.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Yer towel’s slippin’ son. Close the door.”
Chuckling, he crawled up on the bed with the tray. “She made your favorite. Steak gorgonzola. Looks like she was truly worried we’d starve to death. How many snacks can we possibly consume?”
“All of them. I’m weak from hunger but didn’t want to leave this room.”
He winked. “I like the way you think.”
The silence drew out while they ate but it was comfortable, normal. He could imagine spending moments like this with her for the rest of his life.
As if she heard his thought, she murmured, “You have no idea how many regrets being with me would give you in ten years…”
“You’re right. Because if you’re with me, I won’t have them. Stop being afraid of what you don’t know and embrace what you do know.”
“You make it sound so simple…”
“Nothing has ever been simpler, Amelia.”
Taking a deep breath, she stared at him. “I need you to give me time. My dad…” Amelia broke down and started again. “I need to take care of my dad and-and she’s going to be there. There’s so much to process and this - my time in this room with you - feels like a dream.”
Reaching out, he tucked her hair behind her ear. “Eat. We’ll shower and get dressed, take care of what needs to be done for Gil. Get through one minute at a time together...and then we’re going to figure out the future. Our future, Amelia. We’ve wasted enough time.”
She tugged her lower lip between her teeth. “One minute at a time...”
“That’s the only way to start.”
“First,” she said deadpan, “I’m eating all this food.”
Leo grinned. “Not if I eat it first.”
There was pain.
There was history.
There was also love.
It was a good place to start.
Chapter Seventeen
For the following two days, Leo and Amelia made the arrangements for her father’s funeral and went room by room in the home she’d grown up in.
“I want to donate most of it and sell the house,” she told him as they finished sorting her father’s personal effects and having them transported to a storage unit. “I never want to come back to this place.”
“You don’t have to,” he assured her. “There’s nothing left for you here. Let Dad handle the inspections, contractors, and sale. He’ll make sure it’s done right.”
She pointed at the wall of the formal living room. “You don’t think gold leaf wallpaper will be popular?”
It felt good to laugh amidst so much sadness
They talked constantly and there were ample tears. They argued more than once as Leo fought to let go of the disappointment, anger, and frustration he’d carried with him since she left.
For her, for the love he couldn’t deny still having for her, he did what he could to set his ego aside. If things were going to work, the past had no business between them.
They took time to learn about the changes in one another after so many years apart. Leo liked the changes in her.
Amelia refused to commit to a future with him and he tried not to push. She’d spent almost a decade fighting her demons alone and he had no right to make demands.
A
ugusta visited Leo’s house three times, begging to see Amelia. She told his parents that she wanted to make things right.
She was refused admittance at Amelia’s request.
The day of the funeral, they got dressed in Leo’s room. He wore a sleek black suit and she slipped into a dress that wasn’t meant to be sexy but was. The simple black heels, gloves, and hat with a half veil made her more stunning than appropriate for his composure.
Approaching her in the morning sunlight streaming into the window, he reached out and stroked his palm along her side.
“I find you more beautiful right now than I ever have, Amelia.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “I like that you put on weight.” He slid his fingertip over her hair that was coiled into a bun at the base of her neck. “I love what you’ve done with your hair.” Gathering her close, he smiled. “Most of all, I like the air of strength and capability you have. Like you know who you are now and aren’t afraid of it.”
She whispered, “I’m a work in progress…”
“And yet...already a masterpiece. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, Amelia. Every day, we change and grow. It doesn’t lessen the journey you’ve been on to this moment.” He rubbed the back of his fingers along her jaw. “I’m proud of you, of the person you are today. I hope I get to see what happens next.”
“Leo…”
“Not now. Let’s get through today. It will be hard enough without adding more pressure.”
“Thank you.”
Bending, he lightly kissed her lips. “You’re welcome. Before we leave this room, know that I’m paying attention. No matter what happens, I’m going to be right by your side.”
She nodded. “Augusta.”
“Augusta. You know she’ll be there. I’ll look to you for clues and back up however you want to handle her.”
Inhaling deeply, she said, “In this, I might need a support system.”
He winked. “I’m your man.”
She lifted her hand and placed it on his chest. “In my heart, no matter the miles between us, the hurt between us, the people between us...you’ve always been my man, Leo.”
They stared at each other for a long moment. He gave her the opportunity to take back the words or lighten them with some sarcastic humor.
She didn’t take the opening.
“You’re the only woman I’ve ever considered mine. The only woman I’ve ever loved, wanted, needed in my life. When I met you, when I lost you, when I saw you again. Even if you leave me, I’ll break again, I’ll hurt, and I’ll be fucking furious...but you’ll still be my woman, Amelia.”
She blinked against tears. “I don’t deserve that kind of loyalty.”
“Incorrect.” He hugged her lightly and whispered at her ear, “I love you. Let’s see Gil off properly and figure out the rest when you have a minute to breathe.”
He moved to pull away and she held him tighter. “Leo?”
“Yes, Amelia?”
“Do you forgive me?”
Leaning back, he stared into her eyes. “Yes. I forgive you.” The air stuttered from between her lips. “Do you forgive me, Amelia?”
She frowned. “There’s nothing…”
“Stop. Do you forgive me for not seeing what you needed when everything happened? Do you forgive me for not coming after you when you left? Do you forgive me for allowing the pain to keep us apart for eight years?”
There was almost a minute of silence and then she answered softly, “I-I forgive you, Leo.”
“We just took our first step into next and away from then.”
Smiling, she told him, “You really are brilliant.”
“Yeah. I know it. A curse, I tell you.”
“Liar.”
* * *
At the funeral home, many people Amelia had never met and some she’d forgotten came to pay their respects to her quiet father. When she stepped up to give her eulogy, she had to stop several times to catch her breath and still her emotions.
Gilbert Whitehall was a good man, a kind one. I never heard him raise his voice. He never reacted in anger, and he was genuinely thrilled with the world and all its mysteries.
He was the sort of man who caught moths, spiders, and mice and took them outside - always worried about hurting them.
Dad liked to write letters. Every birthday, he wrote me a letter explaining what he’d seen in the previous year and what he thought I should look forward to in the year to come. I have every letter he ever wrote to me and when I read them, it’s like he’s talking to me.
She paused to blot the tears that slipped beyond her control with the linen handkerchief Leo gave her.
We had our struggles but it was hard to stay angry at a man like him. I don’t think it was possible for Dad to truly stay angry at all. He loved deeply, felt emotions deeply, and never intentionally harmed another being in his lifetime.
That’s something not many of us can say. Myself included.
She looked up and met Augusta’s eyes in a pew at the back. She was sitting alone and sobbing silently. Amelia’s heart stumbled and she took a moment to calm herself.
In our last conversation, Dad told me to remember that time slips ever more quickly away the less you have of it. He told me to love without fear, to forgive without conditions, and walk boldly into my future because one life is rarely enough.
He passed away the following morning.
There are so many moments we shared that I never truly appreciated until it was abruptly no longer possible to sit beside him on the couch with hot cocoa while we sang all the songs in every Christmas movie loudly and poorly.
There was tearful laughter and she smiled.
My father was the gentlest human being I’ve ever known and he fought his nature out of love for me. I only realized that right now and I wish I could tell him that I’m sorry.
As a very little girl, he read stories to me every night. His own upbringing was more religious than mine and when he tucked me in, he would always whisper a little prayer.
It’s my turn, Dad. I love you. I hope you knew how much. May God bless you and keep you.
She stepped off the stage and Leo stood until she returned to her seat beside him. He took her hand in both of his and the contact gave her strength.
Leo had always given her strength when she needed it most.
Steven Kampo, her dad’s long-time attorney and best friend, stepped behind the podium. “I have a letter that Gil asked me to read on his behalf. In the note attached to it, he said his heart had been failing for a while and he expected it to quit on him any day.”
Augusta, I fell for you the first moment I saw you behind that drugstore counter. We loved one another so well and when we had Amelia, I was the happiest man on Earth. Despite your mistakes, I never stopped loving you. I forgive you.
Amelia, you are the light of my life and have been from the day you were born. I’m sorry for so many things. Go after what you want and know you’re perfect in every way that really matters. I’ll miss laughing with you, singing silly songs with you, and making up pretend names for different species of birds. No one ever saw the humor in it but you. I love you, I love you, I love you, sweetheart.
Leo, you’ve loved and protected my daughter from the start - along with your sassy mother and distinguished father. I wish I could see what happens next. Keep an eye on my Amy.
To everyone else who’s drifted in and out of my life, thank you for the memories. Most of them were happy and I’m not afraid.
All my love,
Gil
Leo and Amelia held hands tightly as she tried to hold back her jagged sobs. His parents sat at their sides, comforting them. The casket was picked up and carried down the aisle to the hearse. The four of them rose to walk behind it.
As they passed Augusta, Leo stumbled slightly at the sight of the older woman’s crumpled frame and wet cheeks. Painful weeping wracked her frame but her grief was silent.
Amelia understood that, like her father, Leo was unable
to be intentionally cruel to anyone.
Even her mother.
She nodded and Leo stepped into the pew to help Augusta to her feet. They positioned her between them as they made their way to the car.
The moment they were closed inside, Augusta wailed brokenly, “I’m so sorry. I regret so many things. I know you hate me and I deserve it, Amelia. I don’t deserve forgiveness but I’m begging you for it anyway. Please, Amy. Please.”
Shaking uncontrollably, Amelia wanted to recoil from the painful memories Augusta inspired. She never wanted to think about that period of her life.
Grief and fury bubbled up but she managed to hold them back by remembering her father.
“I-I don’t know if I can forgive you, Augusta,” she answered softly. “I don’t know if I have that inside me.” Swallowing, she added, “I can try. Dad would want me to try.”
Throwing herself on the floor of the limo, Augusta bowed over Amelia’s lap. “That’s all I ask. It’s more than I deserve. Thank you. Thank you, Amy.”
Leo bodily lifted Augusta to the seat and she grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry for everything. I was vile, greedy. I lost my mind chasing something I don’t even know when I started wanting. I’m so sorry, Leo.”
“Thank you, Augusta.”
Without looking at her, Amelia said tightly, “Don’t push. Don’t expect instant results. I-I can’t handle it.”
“I understand. I swear it. Whatever you want, Amy.” Augusta sat back and frantically wiped at her face and blew her nose. “I look a wreck. I don’t want Gil to see me like this. I don’t…” Then she was sobbing again. “I ruined everything and lost the only man I ever loved.”
It was Sarabeth who moved to sit beside Augusta. Removing a fresh handkerchief from her clutch, she carefully wiped the other woman’s face.
“Deep breath, aye?” Augusta nodded. “That’s it. There’s a lot of emotion today so let’s focus on breathin’ and payin’ our respects te Gil. By now, he’s at the pearly gates wonderin’ about all the cryin’ and such. One step at a time moves ye forward. Movin’ too quick lands ye in the ditch.”
Feel My Love: The Damaged Series - Book Two Page 12
