by Myers, Kelly
“You were a child… Gabriel,” she mumbles into the fabric, her words muffled.
“And she was sick. Lost and confused. Locked up between the walls of a mansion where people interacted yet no-one really listened.”
She softly snakes her other arm under my waist and wraps it around me, ending with a single subtle pat. A complete embrace that makes me close my eyes and exhale.
“When I was seventeen, on the twenty-third of October, while my dad was in Switzerland…the housekeeper asked me to go check on my mother upstairs because breakfast was ready, and I was the only one allowed in her room.”
I feel her draw a deep breath and hold it in.
“I knocked, she didn’t answer. So I pushed the door open, and there she was in bed… pale as a ghost and cold as ice.”
I squeeze my eyelids together until they wrinkle, and a single tear escapes the corner of my eye, swiftly running down my temple and onto the sheets. With all my power, I restrain my voice from shaking. “Her will to disappear somehow helped her swallow all thirty-seven pills of her two medications combined.” I swallow past the massive lump in my throat as I recall my mother’s face the last time I saw her. “Angelia… that was her name.”
Dina doesn’t move. She doesn’t twitch or shift. She stays still, quietly holding me. She now has more information on me than anyone, and she may consider using it later. As I try to force a chuckle, it comes out more like a snort. “Off the record, Cormack. Do you understand?”
She slowly nods against my chest, and I sigh. “I’m well aware of how ugly humanity is… more than you’ll ever know. I realize that the world is doomed. But on my deathbed, I will never forgive myself for standing by and watching it all burn to ashes. Not the way my father did as he watched my mother wither away.” I pause and recall the look on my father’s face when he returned.
Pulling away and shifting myself lower, our eyes meet, and I let her see mine wet. “To the outside world, Angelia was perfect. Flawlessly made up. Smiling. Collected. But only I saw what was happening when nobody else was watching. And I refuse that history repeats itself. Our world is ailing…it’s mentally ill, Dina, and someone needs to do something... against all odds.”
“You’re not your father,” she whispers.
“Then let me prove it,” I touch her cheek with my fingers, slowly caressing.
Our eyes explore each other like two children discovering that the person in front of them is human, too.
“I must be crazy,” she whispers, catching my hand in hers.
I faintly smile as I examine her face. “Jiddu Krishnamurti once said that it’s no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
“But if you can’t win them over, you’ll be all alone, Gabriel.”
“Will I?” My eyes go back to pierce through hers, searching for the dimmest sign of faith.
“I don’t know if I have it in me.”
“I’ve watched you push yourself to the limit. You’re not giving yourself enough credit.”
“I’m damaged, too.”
“Then we can be perfect together.”
“Together?”
“What are the odds of two messed up people crossing paths like this? Don’t you wanna know why it happened?”
“I do believe in fate.”
“Then what faith is that at all?”
“What’s your creed?”
“We make of it what we want.”
“I’m afraid I may have exhausted all of my tricks trying to crawl out of the darkness.”
I slowly move, propping myself up on one hand and shifting over, placing my knees on either side of her slim thighs. With me on top, I see her eyes staring up at me, questioning.
“You have so much more to give. I can feel it.”
“How has trusting your gut worked for you so far?”
“I think I’m winning,” I smirk, brushing away a lock of her hair to reveal her broad forehead. “Don’t you agree?”
Her eyelids flutter, and she looks away. “Do men always get their way?”
“You can be the woman in my plan. Make it our plan.”
Her eyes find mine again, and this time, I catch her chin in my hand and fix her head in place. “You yearn for something, and it’s taking up all that space. I see it in your eyes. You can’t lie to me about this.”
Pressing her eyelids together, she bites her lower lip and keeps her eyes shut. A lost and anguished expression takes over her face. She slightly shakes her head between my fingers. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
I lower my head and let my lips descend upon hers, softly and gently nibbling on her mouth in fleeting pecks. “No?” I whisper against her lips.
“Gabriel,” she furrows her eyebrows and tries to move her face away, so I release my grip on her and watch her look away. Tears fill her eyes again, and she keeps quiet.
I place the tip of my index finger on the bottom of her neck and trace an invisible line downward, reaching her chest as I whisper. “Not even me?”
She abruptly turns to me with welled-up eyes and says nothing.
28
Dina
What a hypocrite I am turning out to be.
After everything I’ve said, all the vicious screams I spewed, here I am, disarmed by his touch once again.
“Not even me?” his question ignites the dark, unspoken desires inside of me.
Remembering how good our first time was, I turn to look at him, torn and helpless. My eyes are giving me away, I’m sure.
“What are you?” I whisper, reaching up with my hands to cradle his face.
That skin. Those eyes. Those lips. Why does he have to be so perfect? The pleasure I once felt in his arms flirts with my mind, promising me another round of solace of deeper meaning. I feel like I know him inside out now, even though I am certain it’s only a trick. He wants to win me over. Another ally in his corner.
“I am what you found in the dark.” His eyes scan every inch of my face, my neck, my shoulders and arms. The awe gleaming from his gaze sends shivers down my spine and madness through my mind.
Like a drug, I want him desperately.
And just like a drug, the heat radiating from his pores vows to give me a higher high than I have ever experienced.
But knowing what this poison can do, I worry that I will eventually drop, coming down with staggering self-loathing and devastating regret that my plagued mind may not be able to handle.
Yet here I am, once again, staring into the eyes of this mythological creature, underwater, pulling me deeper into his world while I struggle for a breath of air. This state—right here and now—is an oxymoron that stands as testimony to the entirety of who I am, detailing everything that’s wrong with me… everything I want and fear all at once.
He doesn’t need a powerful tug. Only a nudge from my fingertips is enough to guide his face closer, ravaging my lips and wrecking every last bit of resistance I may have hung onto in the moments past.
Closing my eyes and giving in to my compulsion, I kiss him, my hands moving to encircle his neck before sliding down his back. My arms pull him closer, and once again, his body doesn’t seem to need convincing.
In a minute, his crushing weight on me is a welcome ballast, anchoring me in place and granting me a reason to sink deeper. Lower.
Or is it higher?
I’m intoxicated by his smell. His breath on me. The way he moves. That look in his eyes, it lets me know that I’m not here alone. He’s fighting a whole other battle in his mind while his body claims the upper hand and commands the room.
We’re two souls crashing amidst the raging waves, plunging into an abyss with no light in sight.
He feels like heaven in my arms, his strong arms around me, his weight keeping me pinned underneath him as our lips find each other. The kiss is long and hungry, and even though I hate myself for it, for being so weak around him, I do not stop. Deep down, I know how I feel. How much I want him right now.
“What you do to me,” I whisper against his neck.
I feel him getting harder against my thigh, his kisses fluttering against my neck and tracing their way back to my lips. We kiss passionately, and suddenly he’s pushing my shirt up and over my head. He lowers his head to my chest, kissing the top of my breasts, my shoulder, the side of my body. My mind is screaming at me to stop him, but I’ve given up on listening to it a long time ago.
I watch as he grabs my pants and slowly pulls them down, the cold hitting my skin like a welcoming rush, the heat I’m emanating needing to be cooled. He kisses my thighs as the pants find their way to the floor. His hands are massaging me, and I moan softly when his lips find the inside of my thighs. He kisses his way up until I am staring wide-eyed at him, surprised by where he’s taking this.
He looks at me, and I bite my lip. “We can be something special, you and I,” he says.
I don’t respond, holding my breath. His hands slide underneath me, cradling my ass. I let my breath out in a long moan when his lips find my pussy. Bolts of electricity shoot through my body, goosebumps breaking out across my skin as he kisses me. My legs shake a bit when his tongue darts out, circling my clit softly, slowly, driving me insane. He pushes my hips up against his mouth, and I begin grinding against his lips as his tongue explores my insides. The attention he gives me pushes me closer and closer to the edge, and as his tongue does acrobats against my clit, my orgasm hits like a firecracker.
My body shudders, and all I can see is white for a few seconds as I come down from my high. I can feel him kissing his way back up, giving attention first to my thighs, my sides, my stomach, my breasts. He pulls me up into his lap, and I instantly wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him deeply, tasting myself on his lips. It turns me on and makes me feel dirty, all at the same time.
His fingers quickly unclasp my bra, and it follows the trajectory of the rest of my clothes. My nipples are instantly in his mouth, and although he’s hungry for them, he’s gentler than before. The bites are nibbles, the squeezes are less painful, and the hand caressing my back sends waves of desire through me. I yank his shirt off, exposing his chiseled chest, and kiss him there. I slowly push him back, and my hands are unbuckling his pants, slowly pulling them down and exposing him completely to me.
“You don’t have to,” he says.
“I want to,” I reply.
Our eyes meet, and there’s something in his, something that makes me wonder if all this has become more to him. I don’t linger on the thought and quickly take him inside my mouth. I hear him gasp, and I fight through the gag reflex as I move my head up and down. His cock fills my mouth, and I use my tongue against the underside. His hands grab my hair, and he begins to move his hips against me.
I lose myself in this, watching him as he throws his head back and groans in pleasure. It turns me on even more that I can have this effect on him. That he can succumb to me the way, I seem to always succumb to him. He opens his eyes and looks at me, and I can see the animalistic hunger in them. It drives me even more over the edge, and I quickly push up and straddle him. I guide his cock inside me slowly, then push it all the way in.
“My God, Dina!” he gasps as his hands grab my waist and force me down more on him, pushing his cock deeper inside me.
I begin to ride him, slowly at first, my hands exploring his incredible body, his hands exploring mine. I start to pick up the pace when our eyes meet, and the lust in his challenges me to push forward.
I bend down, letting him suck on my nipples as his cock slides in and out of me, his hips moving against mine, every thrust met with equal force as our moans fill the room. He kisses me, kisses my neck, whispers unintelligible things in my ear, and I ride him like my life depends on it.
My orgasm comes just as hard as the first, but my God, I just want more.
I grab him and roll over, pulling him on top of me. “Fuck me, Gabriel, do it!”
He doesn’t need any coaxing. He bends down, arms snaking around me, holding me close to him as he kisses me and moves. He slides in and out with such ease. It’s almost as if this is how it’s supposed to always be. As if we were two puzzle pieces that had finally found each other. I rake my nails against his back, kissing him with such fervor that he returns with just as much passion.
“This feels so good,” I whisper into his shoulder, and I hold him even tighter as he moves in and out of me. He nibbles on my shoulder, then pushes himself to his knees, so he has a better hold of me. His thrusts become more intense, and I am screaming in pleasure as he rams inside me, sending firecrackers exploding across my skin.
He grunts, and I can see that he’s close to his own orgasm. I sit up, wrapping my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, and I grind against him.
“What...”
I shut him up with a deep kiss, and his hands grab my ass as I grind. He understands what I want, and he pushes me harder against him, his cock deep inside me. I clench down on him, and his eyes roll back in pleasure.
“I want it,” I whisper against his lips. I caress his cheek as I grind against him, bringing him closer and closer to the edge.
“Dine, I...”
But he doesn’t finish the sentence, the words extending into a long groan as he explodes inside me. I feel him pulsing, his warm liquid filling me up. I slow my grinding down, keeping him firmly inside as he empties his load. His arms wrap tight around me and pull me into a strong embrace, and I close my eyes against him.
What the hell did I just do?
29
Gabriel
“I can’t believe I found you…”
In a state of trance, my lips have a life of their own as they mutter words that don’t seem to have crossed my mind.
“I can’t believe I have to let you go…”
My subconscious mind plays tricks on me, imposing deliberations of Dina staying with me… forever…
“You’re the only one,” my whispers plunge down like daggers through my ears as only I can hear them.
“Nobody compares…”
What has gotten into me?
In our intimate hurricane of overflowing emotions, I lose track of how I feel and how my body reacts to hers. In my whole life, never have I ever felt this way. Acted this way. Made love this way. Somehow, Dina seems to have an invisible grip on my soul, and I don’t even know if I ever want to break free.
“Why did you have to find me?” I faintly ask, again, a rhetorical question only I manage to catch.
How the tables have turned. I am now the hostage in a vicious circle of my profound inquiries and declarations. My breath forsakes me. My voice deserts me. I am a prisoner of my own mind.
In her eyes, I see the mirror image of the whirlwind that mirrors my internal struggle, and I pity her. I ache for the two of us as we commiserate in this bittersweet, agonizing ecstasy.
As soon as our chests slow down in their race and we lie flat on our backs side by side, I turn to look at her, and she instantly breaks down in tears.
“Oh my God,” she murmurs before covering her face once again, rolling over her side as she turns away from me.
She weeps because she let this happen one more time. She hates me, and if I understand her at all by now, she hates herself for wanting me.
“Dina,” I whisper, extending a hand that fleetingly touches her shoulder before she immediately pulls away, sobbing.
Everything about this situation exhausts me to the point of suffocation. I can’t breathe as my chest tightens and the headache creep
s back into my head, invading every inch and pulsating through my veins and through my whole body, electrifying.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m tired. So tired.
And I loathe myself for… everything.
The lump in my throat grows bigger, and I can barely swallow. I must get out of here this instant.
Closing my eyes shut, I quietly exhale, almost forcing out the air to empty out my lungs and feel something. Anything other than the sudden hollowness that’s swiftly invading my insides. I roll over and let my feet touch the ground, quickly collecting my clothes without as much as glancing in her direction.
I make my way toward the door, and before I leave, I turn to look at Dina. She now has her head buried in the pillow, silently weeping. The only sign of it is the shudder in her shoulders and the redness of her forehead.
I’m sorry, Dina.
Without a word, I open the door and step out, slamming it behind me as a loud assertion of my absence. Frozen in place, I listen quietly through the door as her cries turn into loud, angst-ridden wails that echo against the walls and through them. Like thunder in my ears, they quake my heart and pain my soul.
I’m sorry that you have firmly deemed me a monster, even after all the secrets I’ve shared with you. Parts of myself I could never give away. They’re now yours, somehow.
With my head up high and my body in the nude, I make my way along the corridor to the guest bedroom and step in, locking the door from inside before I take a moment to collect myself.
Until this very moment, I can’t claim to have experienced this sort of deep, visceral rejection from a woman. Any woman. They say there’s a first time for everything, but did the stab have to come from the first woman to ever shake me to my core? Angry and disillusioned, I lift up my eyes to the ceiling and can almost see God laughing at my misery. I grind my jaws and grit my teeth to the point of pain, but nothing of the sort will eclipse the hurt inside.
