Jason turns back and waves, just at me.
My stomach plummets.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
It’s time.
I need to talk to Dad.
I’ve been trying to muster up the courage ever since I got home from the game. I need to tell him what Cassidy told me. Now that the moment is here I’m reconsidering. I’ve always been low-key afraid of him, and avoid him as much as possible, but lately it’s gotten a lot worse.
I guess I have more to lose now.
Plus, this is the first time I’ve ever gone brazenly against his wishes. I’ve always done what he wanted, with a sort of reserved acknowledgment that it’s just the way things need to be.
I did “forget” my mask that one time.
But that’s nothing compared to being friends with a Donovan.
I’ve seen him mad before, but if he found out, I’m sure it’d be next-level.
I’m lying on my bed, stalking Jason’s social media on my phone. His Facebook was easy to find, once I had his Instagram. He uses Jason Todd as a name there, too. His likes include Attack on Titan, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and She-Ra. I love that they’re there, I’m obsessed with all three.
Obviously.
I’m not even surprised when we like the same thing anymore.
I load his Instagram for what feels like the millionth time and scroll down. He’s posted a bunch of cute selfies of him just going about his life, mixed in with staged-looking ones of him hanging out with his friends, often at the beach, or at this cute coffee shop he seems to go to a lot. It has a wall of dog photos. My favorite of his photos is one of him at Harry Potter world, freaking out over Butterbeer. Impossibly cute.
Still, it feels very staged to me. I prefer Instagram to feel a little more real.
But, hey, what do I know? He gets a lot more likes than I do.
There are two shirtless photos of him. One is at a pool party, but he’s holding an inflatable duck in front of him, so I can’t see much. It’s still really cute, though, because his smile looks so genuine … like he’s giddy levels of happy.
He’s the cutest boy ever.
The other is on a gorgeous beach in Thailand. He’s emerging from the water, dripping wet, staring at something off camera. No smile. Dead serious. It’s totally a thirst trap, and I’m here for it. His followers are, too, it seems like everyone he knows commented on how hot he is. I read a few of the comments.
GET IT BUDDY!
*fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji*
THOSE ABS THO! MURDER ME.
I tap, scroll up, and see the follow button.
My heart racing, I jab it.
I leave my room to go to Dad’s. I reach it and knock on the door.
“Hey,” I say. “Can I come in?”
Dad mutters something, which I take as a yes.
I step inside. He’s got his reading glasses on, and his computer is on his lap.
“Why are you up so late?” he asks.
I mean, I do stay up late a lot. But most of the time I just hide in my room. Being out here, trying to get his attention, is weird and he knows it.
“I wanted to talk to you, if you have a sec?”
“Go on.”
I know he’s recovering, so I shouldn’t be too harsh, but he looks old. There are big bags under his eyes, and his hair isn’t as perfectly kept as it normally is. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s messy, because it’s not, but you know …
It’s not as perfect as I’m used to.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“Fine. What did you want to tell me? I’m working, so make it quick.”
“Well, I was hanging out with Cassidy earlier, and she…”
“Cassidy Strickland?”
“Yeah.”
“When did this start?”
“Um … at the ball.”
“Did you not listen to what Vince said? The only people we can trust right now are our family. Everyone else is a threat.”
That’s not true, though. Vince said we should be worried about new friends. Not old ones. But I can’t challenge my father. That’s not how our relationship works. He knows best, always. Surely if Luke said exactly the same thing he wouldn’t be mad at him. He’s mad because I’m the one who said it, and I can never do anything right. I forgot that for a second.
“But that’s the thing, this is about the Friend Scheme! She had this theory, and I think it’s a really good one. Like—”
“Matthew!” he shouts. “Be quiet!”
I shrink back.
I could cry. Obviously I’m not going to. But I could.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he rubs his temples. “I didn’t mean to yell, I’ve had a long day. And you just frustrate me sometimes. Why is it so hard for you to do what I tell you? We can’t trust anyone right now, so you should just know you shouldn’t be spending time with her, at least until we’ve gotten to the bottom of this.”
I frustrate him sometimes. He’s never said that to me, even though I’ve assumed it for a while. Hearing it is a totally different thing.
It makes me feel broken.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say. “You’re right; it’s dumb.”
I turn to walk back to my room.
“No, Matt, wait.”
I ignore him, because I know he doesn’t really mean that. He doesn’t want me to wait.
He wants me to be like Luke. To be good at this stuff.
He wants me to not be me.
I go back into my room and close my door.
It’s just so dumb. He’s wrong, anyway. Vince said we can’t trust anyone new. Why would he be mad about me being friends with Cassidy? There’s nothing wrong with me doing that, so I have no idea why he got upset.
Whatever.
My phone is resting on my bed. I lift it and see I have a new notification. It’s from Instagram.
Jason has followed me back.
He’s also liked a bunch of my pictures. He’s even sent me a DM.
Who knew you were such a good photographer! Just when I think you couldn’t get any cooler.
In spite of everything, I smile. I start typing a response.
You’re the cool one!! But hey, are you free? I really want to see you.
I hit send.
Hey! Yeah, I am actually, my parents are out for the night, they took my sister to a movie. So I have the place to myself, for the next hour at least …
It feels risky. An hour isn’t much time. But I can’t be here right now.
I just can’t.
Can I come over?
YES PLEASE!!! I would love that!
Haha, okay. I’ll head over now, then?
See you soon, Mr.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I drive to Jason’s place, and I’m freaking pissed.
At Dad. And my stupid life. And the fact that it’s so unfair that my first real friend is completely off-limits. It’s making me want to speed, or hit my steering wheel, or just pull over and scream until I’ve gotten everything in my chest out.
But that isn’t what I really want.
What I want is to not even have to think about this.
I wish Jason and I were ordinary guys.
If that were the case, we could just hang out at each other’s places, and it wouldn’t be weird. It’d maybe be awkward to transition into something more romantic, but it’d be cute awkward. Rom-com awkward. Our parents might even be nosy, and get too involved, and it’d be a little embarrassing, but I’d secretly love it.
I want a Love, Simon life, basically. Not this. Not a dad who I frustrate. And a boy I can never truly have because of our last names.
I reach Jason’s place and park out front.
This is the Donovans’ house.
I shouldn’t be here.
I step out of the car and walk up to the front door. The air is still, and I can hear chirping crickets. I love this sound. I reach his porch and pause. Time to do this. For some reason knocking
makes me anxious, so I message him that I’m here.
A few moments later, the door opens.
“Hey there,” he says, tilting his head up. “You look great.”
So does he. He’s wearing a black T-shirt with a Poké Ball on it and gym shorts. His feet are covered in black ankle socks, and his hair is a little limp, not pushed up like it normally is.
I realize this is Jason when he hasn’t put any work in.
He’s gorgeous.
I feel lucky that I get to see this. Him, with his walls down. He beckons me inside and closes the door behind me.
Then we hug. I sink into it.
I can’t tell him about what happened with Dad, so I just try to get as much out of the hug as I can.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“Huh?”
“I’m just picking up a vibe that something’s happened. Want to talk about it?”
I chew my lip.
And decide to test him.
“Um, my dad’s been kind of shitty lately.”
His eyes widen. “Oh. Right. Well, I mean, you don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to.” He rubs my arm. “Whatever he did, I’m sorry.”
And he passes with flying colors.
I sigh. “No, I can talk about it. He told me I frustrate him sometimes. I know that’s not much, but like … I don’t want to frustrate him. He’s my dad, you know?”
“I completely get it. I’m sorry. But I’d bet he’d be really upset if he found out he’d hurt your feelings. I know my dad says hurtful stuff all the time, and I don’t think he has any idea he’s doing it. I think it’s just a dad thing, you shouldn’t take it personally.”
I like the thought of that.
“That was the perfect thing to make me feel better,” I say. “And you just, like, knew it.”
He grins. “I’m glad. It gets better, too. I actually have something in mind for right now. I’ve always had this idea of what I’d do if I got you in my bedroom.”
UM.
“Oh God, not that!” he says. “I mean, that could be fun, too. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Just, come with me.”
He leads me to his bedroom and closes the door behind him. Then he locks it.
“So what’s the plan?” I ask.
He turns his TV on.
“I was thinking we could watch Mulholland Drive? I’ve been meaning to ever since you recommended it, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”
Oh my God.
My favorite movie.
He needs to be less cute. I can’t handle this.
“You remembered,” I say.
“Of course,” he says, shrugging. “Like I remember you love Donnie Darko, and how you had a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal when you were a kid, and how you can name every single Pokémon.”
“And here I was thinking guys were supposed to be bad listeners.”
“Normally I am. Just not with you.”
I’m floored.
“I remember everything you’ve told me, by the way,” I say. “Like how your favorite Pokémon is Arcanine, and how you love the Bartimaeus trilogy, and your big crush as a kid was on Sam Winchester. It’s easy with you, for some reason.”
“I feel the same about you.”
“Cool. Anyway. Um, should we watch the movie?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
He sits down on his bed, propped up against the headrest. I think he’d be cool with me joining him on the bed, but I don’t want to assume anything, so I wheel his desk chair over to the side of the bed.
I don’t know exactly what we’re doing.
I sit down on the chair.
He watches me. I think he’s going to say something, but then he turns away, and scrolls through the apps on the TV. He loads Netflix, then searches for Mulholland Drive and finds it.
“Do you like horror, by the way?” I ask.
“Yeah. They freak me out, though. I think it’s because, like, I sort of believe in that stuff. Like, I totally think ghosts and stuff could be real. That might be dumb.”
It’s not. It’s really cute.
“It’s not dumb. I sort of believe in it, too. I’m, like, paranormal agnostic.”
“Dude, that’s the perfect description! I’m exactly the same! Like, I’m not totally convinced that they’re real, but like, I think there’s a chance. Enough to get scared by a horror movie, anyway.”
I love it when he gets like this. All hyper and excited.
It’s so. Damn. Precious.
We smile at each other.
Again, I feel overwhelmed by how cool I think he is. I fall back to that mental image, of us, in sweats, just hanging out together. I don’t know why I like that picture so much, but I do. Us, as boyfriends.
Naomi was right.
It would be really cute.
“Is this going to scare me?” he asks.
“Probably.”
He lifts the remote, and then lowers it. He tilts his head toward me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Is there a reason you aren’t on the bed?”
“Oh, I just thought…”
“Thought what?”
“I didn’t want to assume.”
“Well, you’re totally welcome to join me. Sitting there is cool, too, if you want to. No pressure.”
I move to the bed.
“Much better,” he says.
He scoots across as I start unlacing my shoes. I kick them off, and then put my legs onto the bed. He’s watching me, smiling.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
I think he wants me to lean forward and kiss him. The twinkle in his eyes makes me think that’s what he wants. I take him in. Perfect hair, broad shoulders, and soft-looking lips. Military boy par excellence. He hasn’t shaved today, so there’s a slight shadow on his cheeks.
Kissing him would be unbeatable.
But what if I’m wrong?
What if I make a move, and he doesn’t want me to, and then things between us become so awkward that we never talk to each other again?
Plus, he’s a Donovan. I really shouldn’t kiss him.
Instead, I just lean against the headrest, keeping a comfortable distance between us.
“Do you want more pillows or something?” he asks.
I adjust the pillow behind me so it’s a proper backrest.
“I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“Cool.”
He starts the movie.
And here I am.
Sitting in a bed. With a Donovan.
I wonder if we’re going to have sex.
I can’t even believe I’m actually thinking that. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I hadn’t even been kissed, and now I’m thinking about sex? If it were any other guy, I think I’d be nervous. But with Jason, I think I could handle it. I wonder what position he’d prefer. I’ve always felt like I’d like both, although I get a vibe that Jason is more of a …
Okay.
I need to stop thinking about this.
I focus on the movie. Luckily, it’s a pretty fantastic distraction, because it’s so weird and dark and I love it so much.
I’m still thinking about it, though. I’ve never done it before, but I don’t think I have any hang-ups about it. It’s never seemed like that big of a deal to me. So I’d probably try it if he suggested it, as long as we were safe. Either position, I don’t care. Or something else; I know that kind of sex takes prep work. But I have condoms in my bag, so like, we could totally do it.
I wonder if he’s a virgin, too.
I have no idea. I don’t like to assume this sort of thing.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. This is just a fantasy.
I start to feel a little brave. I tilt my foot across and touch his foot.
“Finally,” he says, and he leans across to kiss me.
I pull back.
“What?” he says.
I’m thinking about
Dad. About how I frustrate him. And I think my doing stuff like this is part of the reason why. Maybe I’d be less miserable if I at least tried to do the stuff he wants me to.
Being friends with a Donovan is one thing. Going further is different.
“I dunno, just, maybe we shouldn’t…,” I say.
“Oh. Why not?”
“Because we’re us, you know? I want to, but I also want to be smart. I think this is going to be really embarrassing to admit, but…”
“But what?”
He says it so softly, like he already knows, and it’s okay.
“I think if I’m not careful, I could start to like you,” I say. “As more than a friend, I mean. Obviously I like you. But it could be more for me, if we keep doing stuff like this. Which would be bad, right?”
I hang my head. I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“Why would it be bad?” he asks.
He raises his hand to touch me. I pull away.
“Because you’re a Donovan,” I say. “We’re on opposite sides. I gave myself a rule, and I need to stick to it. We can be friends, but that’s all. Look at me. Please. Let’s just be friends. That’s as far as I can go.”
“Why’d you touch my foot, then?” He doesn’t ask in a harsh way, it seems he genuinely wants to know.
“I didn’t mean to.”
He stares at me blankly.
“Okay, sorry,” I say. I bring my knees up to my chest. “Maybe I wanted to see what would happen. Because I do like you, I just … I wish I could show you what’s going on in my head right now.”
“Use your words. What were you hoping would happen?”
“Truly, I don’t know.”
“Just tell me: What do you want?”
I know what I want. But I’m not allowed.
Then again, maybe I should just say screw it and go all in.
I get very hyped up at the thought.
Ryan Donovan flashes in my mind. Then he shifts to Jason sitting on the chair, with slashes on his chest. Vince slices down, killing him.
“What are you thinking?” he asks. “Talk to me.”
“I think it all boils down to the fact that I’m scared of how much I could like you.”
“I’m scared of how much I could like you, too.”
That sinks in. I can’t think of anything to say to that. I guess he can’t, either, as we both turn our attention back to the movie.
The Friend Scheme Page 16
