by Jared Bellis
“Her name’s D’Arcy,” Balzac interrupted.
“What?”
“Her name, it’s D’Arcy. I thought you’d like to use it instead of descriptions every time.”
“D’Arcy? That’s not an evil name! That’s the name of some suburban soccer mom!” exclaimed Andrew. Balzac shrugged. Ray started again.
“Alright, D’Arcy is bringing a couple dozen vampires, a cyborg, a half-ogre, probably a few humans, and a horde of zombies.”
“That’s what she said,” agreed Balzac.
“Mo is gonna free the captives when she comes at us.”
Everyone nodded.
“Here’s what we’re going to do…”
Balzac and Clarence leaned in.
“We’re going to bury several of Joe’s automatons at random places throughout the battlefield. We can bring them out to surprise the enemy.”
Balzac and Clarence nodded in agreement.
“We’re gonna set up a stage or something and be waiting on that when they get here. We figure looking down on her will help piss her off more. Clarence, you’re going to make it rain real hard for a while before they get here, and Andrew is gonna bless the water on the ground. That way, it will burn the vampires as they try to walk through it, hopefully making them have to run. The mud should be thick enough to slow them all down, giving us an advantage when they’re all clustered up.”
“In addition, Joe will shoot metal through the groups, Andrew will mix in some of his hold and explode undead spells with an automaton he controls, I’ll throw out some air and fire bombs, and we’ll kick all their asses!” Ray finished triumphantly. All three guys looked proud of their plan. Balzac and Clarence looked doubtful.
“Won’t work,” said Clarence.
“What? Why not?” exclaimed Andrew.
“Well, I really don’t think you will be able to bless that much water. You aren’t that strong. At most, you’ll give them a mild tingle,” replied Clarence.
“I’ll give you a mild tingle,” muttered Andrew. Clarence gave him a dirty look as he started speaking once more.
“These are supernatural creatures; mud won’t slow them down. It will, however, slow you down, making it easier for them to eat your faces off. Come up with a new plan or you all die.”
The three guys looked angry.
“If you’re so smart, why don’t you come up with a plan?” argued Joe.
“Look, I can’t. Even if I liked you guys, which I don’t, that is too much interference. Balzac can fight, but unfortunately, being a squirrel and not having access to his powers means he won’t be much help. Come up with a better plan, or run like the little bitches you are.” As a finale to this inspirational speech, Clarence poofed away.
“Your brother is a dick. You know that, right?” Andrew said to Balzac. The squirrel shrugged.
“Yeah, but he’s right. This plan won’t work. Hiding the metal guys is a good idea, though,” he offered. Then he sighed. “I just wish you’d have said something before, so we had time to come up with something decent. Now we’re screwed.”
“No, we aren’t. We’ll go with Plan B then.”
Balzac paused. “Plan B?”
“Yup,” said Ray. “I’m just gonna set up a big wall around our chosen battlefield with one, small entrance. The Raiders will have to come through there. Once they’re all in, I’ll close it up and trap them inside with us. I can make it smaller and smaller to force them to clump together, then we can go to town on them. You can even use one of the automatons and have a little fun, too!”
Balzac looked at him and smiled. “That’s a much better plan! I especially like the part where I get to kick ass!” It seemed that Plan B now had the squirrel’s full support. “You guys better get set up soon,” he advised, “so you’ll be well rested for tonight!”
Ray and Joe started right away, leaving Andrew to cook for them. Stubby sat at Andrew’s feet while he prepared the meal; Balzac was snoring loudly.
Ray worked on raising up a huge earth wall, enough to surround a football field. It was at least ten feet wide and easily half that thick. The one entrance faced the forest to the west.
Meanwhile, Joe placed several automatons in strategic locations around the inside of the wall, though they decided not to bury all of them. He also planted large deposits of metal in various parts of the walls and the ground within the battlefield. He considered for a while, before deciding to add some decorations as a finishing touch.
“Dude,” Ray began. “Why are there arrowheads all along the walls? Why does the ground look like a football field? Did you have to make all your metal guys look like they’re wearing Chiefs uniforms?”
“Ray, this is serious,” Joe said solemnly. “The Raiders are claiming this land, but we both know it belongs to the Chiefs. So, I’m gonna give them an old fashioned Arrowhead ass-whoopin’! Might as well make it look as authentic as possible, right?”
Ray looked around and sighed. The automatons had helmets and pads, and their jersey numbers listed off some of the boys’ all-time favorite players.
“Might as well have some fun with it, I guess. I’m all done with my part. You?”
Joe nodded.
The two men went over to Andrew to eat and rest. It was gonna be a busy night.
CHAPTER 22
The rest of the day was spent eating and sleeping. By the time night fell, the boys were as rested as they were likely to get. At Balzac’s suggestion, Ray had built up the stage and added three thrones for them to sit on while they waited on the Raiders.
“I gotta say, I feel like an epic douche canoe sitting on a throne like this,” said Andrew.
“Yeah, I feel pretty stupid,” agreed Ray.
“I like it. I feel awesome up here. I don’t know what your problem is with it,” said Joe smugly.
“You’re kind of a prick, Joe,” laughed Andrew. “But seriously, I’m kind of nervous. Are you guys worried about tonight?” The other two nodded.
“We’ve planned it out as well as we can. Just stick to it, and hopefully it will all work out. Who knows, maybe we won’t have to fight. Maybe we can— I don’t know— talk to her and work things out,” said Ray. Everyone looked at him dubiously.
“You can’t negotiate with a Lich, Ray. They are pure evil. They willingly rip their souls from their bodies for power. They are beyond reason. The only language they understand is violence,” stated Balzac. Ray shrugged.
“We can try, can’t we?”
“I guess, but don’t get your hopes up. She will try to manipulate you; just be prepared,” warned the squirrel. They all nodded. They sat and talked for a while, but the waiting was making them anxious. Every little bit, one of them would get up and pace across the dais in front of the thrones. A few hours before the meeting was to take place, thunder boomed and lightning flashed across the sky. Wind started howling across the land and rain started pounding against the earth. Ray hastily put a roof over their platform.
POOF!
“Well, are you dipshits ready for this?” asked Clarence. “She’s on her way.”
“As ready as we can be,” replied Ray. “I didn’t think you could help out. Why are you here?”
“I’m not here to help. I’m just checking on my baby brother. You doing okay, Barr—, err Balzac?” he asked. The squirrel nodded.
“I’m fine, as you already know. Why are you really here?” he asked.
“Fine. I’m curious about how this goes down. I was a little harsh on you guys earlier and I feel bad, okay?” he admitted. “I heard your new plan, and I like its chances much better. Maybe you won’t die as much as I expected. Are you still gonna try to bless the water?”
Andrew shrugged. “Is it even worth the effort?” Clarence gave him a calculated look.
“I can’t advise you. But if I could, I might say to try blessing just a little bit of water, maybe a couple dozen gallons or so. You might be able to handle that. But I can’t say anything,” replied the bunny. Then he
was gone.
The rain ended, and the sky cleared as soon as Clarence disappeared. Ray quickly made a large moat around the dais which swiftly filled with water. Andrew put his hands over the water and mumbled a quick blessing.
“Will it work?” asked Joe. Andrew shrugged.
“No idea. I’ve never blessed anything before. How long before they get here, do you think?”
“Not a clue. Probably soon. I hope Mo makes it okay,” replied Ray.
“We all do. With any luck, we can meet up with him and the prisoners and get everyone new homes in Sedli,” said Joe. Just then, Andrew unleashed a magnificent fart. It seemingly came from his very soul.
“Daaaaaaaamn,” stated Andrew. “We better get ready guys! They’re here!”
“Guys, I just found a flaw in our plan,” said Joe as he choked through Andrew’s horrible ass cloud. “We’re stuck up here with his stench!”
“Good point,” coughed Ray. Andrew fired off more gas. “Dear God, you’re foul!”
“Sorry, can’t help it. I don’t like it any more than you do. It doesn’t feel any better than it smells,” replied Andrew.
One more titanic fart heralded the arrival of their adversaries. Vampires entered first, fangs bared and claws out. Dozens of the blood-sucking fiends approached, stopping just short of the moat. The cyborg and half-ogre led a contingent of heavily armed humans in next, smug looks apparent on their faces. A dark mist flowed onto the field, and an attractive human woman appeared in their midst. She was a little over five feet tall, with short blonde hair and glowing blue eyes.
“Dammit! She even looks like a soccer mom! I thought she was supposed to be like a skeleton or something! This is bullshit!” declared Andrew as he ripped off the loudest, nastiest fart anyone had ever heard. The vampires looked confused and disgusted. They all took a few steps back as the stench hit them. Several forgot they were supposed to look intimidating and did their best to wave the stink away.
“Are you quite alright, dear?” asked the woman. “That is disgusting! Perhaps you should get it checked out.”
“Evil makes me fart. Sorry,” Andrew replied sheepishly.
“Did you say I look like a soccer mom?” she asked. Andrew nodded. The woman laughed.
“How appropriate! That’s exactly what I was before the apocalypse hit and destroyed my family. Luckily, it granted me the power to bring them back and create an even larger one.” She gave an evil grin.
“You turned your family into zombies? That’s just wrong on so many levels!” said Ray. She shot him a cold look.
“What was I supposed to do?” she retorted.
“Maybe let them rest in peace and not be evil?” offered Joe. She glared at him next.
“Enough of this! You fools came into my territory and killed my favorite lieutenant! You must pay! Make peace with your gods; you’re about to meet them!”
“Why?” Ray asked.
“What?” she replied, confused.
“Why do we have to fight? Look, D’Arcy— can I call you D’Arcy?”
“No!” she replied.
“Okay, D’Arcy.”
She gave him a dirty look.
“So, why do we have to fight? It’s a big world; there’s plenty of room for all of us. I know you’re an evil bitch and all, but maybe that’s not your fault. Could be a product of circumstance. You could just free all your prisoners, move off somewhere else, and promise to be good. That way we don’t have to fight.”
There was absolute silence as Ray finished his offer. Everyone was dumbfounded at his speech. Balzac had his paws covering his face as he shook his head.
“You want me to just go away? Free my prisoners and be good?” she asked.
Ray nodded.
“Just like that, and we won’t have to fight?”
Ray smiled and nodded again.
“I was wrong about you. You aren’t fools… You’re complete and utter morons. You come into Raider territory—”
“Chiefs country!” interjected Joe. She turned her glare on him. He flipped her off with one hand and started doing the Tomahawk Chop with the other.
“—MY territory,” she continued, screaming, “kill my people, and try to dictate terms to me? I’m going to kill you all, raise you as zombies, and kill you again! ATTACK!” she screamed. Ray looked at the others.
“Well, we tried.” He shrugged and prepared to fight. Zombies poured into the area in droves. The vampires were hissing and appeared ready to pounce. The humans raised their weapons and prepared to fire.
“Ray?” asked Joe. Ray looked at him. “You could have closed off the wall and kept the freaking zombies out.”
“Oh, shit! Didn’t think of that. Guess I got distracted…” He closed the door in the wall to prevent any others from entering, but it was too late. Hundreds of the undead had already swarmed in.
“KILL THEM!” screamed D’Arcy.
CHAPTER 23
Andrew raised his hands and focused just as the first wave of vampires prepared to leap across the moat to attack them. They were caught in a nimbus of golden light and couldn’t move. Ray took advantage of this and fired off jets of flame, torching the front line of vampires and dusting them instantly.
“Joe!” Andrew yelled. “Are your balls ready for action?” The remaining vampires looked worried at the comment.
“My balls are always ready! But this time I have something else in mind!” The enemy looked relieved, but only for a moment.
“Arrowheads, go!” Joe shouted.
Large arrowheads shaped just like the Kansas City logo shot through the remaining vampires, decapitating the enemies as they rocketed through the crowd. By the time Joe was done, there were only a couple blood-suckers left.
“If you’re human, you can lay down your weapons and we won’t hurt you! But if you decide you want to fight, well, that’s on you,” warned Andrew. Several looked like they were considering the offer.
“DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! FIRE!” screamed D’Arcy. The humans, apparently more frightened of her than of the men in front of them, started firing. The remaining vampires sprang across the moat to take the fight to the guys.
“Those are freaking lasers! How cool is that?” shouted Andrew, as beams of light burned past them.
“Be a lot cooler if they weren’t shooting at us!” retorted Joe. He raised a shield in front of himself and let the lasers burn into it.
But the shots were getting closer. Andrew took a glancing hit to his shoulder and cried out in pain.
“Andrew!” Joe shouted to his brother, his voice laced with fear. He then flew into a rage and started shooting metal balls into the crowd of people, while Ray added to the carnage by tossing orbs of compressed air into the horde. The resulting explosive blasts of wind tossed and scattered many foes all across the arena. Meanwhile, Andrew raised his good hand in front of himself and, to everyone’s shock, a golden shield formed and beams started bouncing off it.
“Hell yeah!” screamed Andrew. “—Ow!” he added, as he jostled his wounded arm. However, with no hands available to fight back, he did the unexpected. He swiveled his hips and started hammering out pelvic thrusts, shooting beams of magical energy from his crotch with each pump.
“Suck on that, bitches!” he yelled.
Everyone stopped to watch as he continued to fire off blasts into the crowd. Most of the remaining people quit firing and dove to the ground, but D’Arcy screamed her rage and threw the zombies into the fight.
Balzac decided to enter the fray as well. He cracked his little knuckles and hopped onto the treadmill that Joe had hastily constructed. He started pumping his tiny legs, and an enormous, fifteen-foot-tall, metal squirrel burst from the ground, showering the enemy in dirt and rocks. It charged straight at the cyborg and half-ogre, with Balzac screaming profanities from the dais.
“What the fuuu—?!” screamed the cyborg as the giant squirrel grabbed him by the head and flung him into the wall. The half-ogre, still determined, swung a huge
sword at the automaton. It bounced off with a clang before Balzac turned his attention to him. The squirrel raised his metal foot and stomped down on his enemy, taking him out of the fight for good. The giant metal monster then hopped over and started rampaging through the zombies like Godzilla tearing through Tokyo.
During all this carnage, Ray was facing off against the last five vampires.
“You sure you wanna do this, guys?” he asked, as he lit his hands on fire.
Their response was to charge him at full speed.
“Alright then.”
Ray simply lit them on fire and stepped out of the way, watching burning embers hit the ground around him.
“You ready to quit yet? You really picked the wrong people to tangle with!” he shouted towards D’Arcy.
She screamed incoherently and fired bolts of black energy in his direction, and Ray was forced to dive for cover just to keep from getting hit.
Not far away, Joe took control of his favorite statue— the one with the fifty-eight on it— and charged it into the zombies, plowing a large path through them. Andrew kept firing off his crotch-rockets, now aiming for the zombies instead of the cowering humans. Ray stood up and fired off a blast of air directly at D’Arcy, blowing her off her feet.
“Feel free to surrender at any time, you psycho hose-beast!” he called to her. She rose to her feet and pointed in his direction.
Zombies burst from the ground in front of him, taking him by surprise. Andrew was fortunately able to grab them with his golden energy and explode them. But unfortunately, Balzac was screaming his battle cry at this exact moment, and got a mouthful of zombie guts. The squirrel started to gag and his control over his metal avatar crumbled, causing it to fall to the ground, crushing several zombies under its weight.
“Why won’t you all DIE?” screamed D’Arcy, firing off more black blasts at the guys. Andrew was able to block most of them with his golden shield, but Joe took a shot directly to his chest and was knocked from his feet. Ray was forced to dive again. The distraction allowed the zombies to charge in closer, some of them making it to the moat, where they fell in and dissolved.
