“Oh? Whatever for?” It was lovely how close human friendships were.
Sadness flitted through Alice’s eyes. “She miscarried yesterday, so she’s taken herself out of circulation for a while in order to come to terms with the loss. Elizabeth and Rafe are devastated, of course. Which is why I plan to leave the ball early tonight in order to call on her. They had hoped so much for a child.”
“You are a light in this world, duchess.” Her throat filled with unshed tears from Elizabeth’s misfortune.
“Ah, I think you are truly the light.” She leaned in and peered into Estelle’s face. “Is it because you care for Sebastian that you’re not feeling quite yourself?”
“Since I’m not certain how a human should feel, I don’t know.” But her cheeks warmed. “Every time I’m with him, I feel…” How, exactly? “Bigger than myself, I suppose. Like I could do anything and succeed. And when he kisses me, I heat like I did before I fell from the heavens.” She clung to the duchess’ hand. “How is this possible?”
“It’s a natural part of a different sort of falling.” Alice smiled. “You’re falling in love with Sebastian. It’s supposed to feel exhilarating and terrifying all at once.”
“He makes me… happy. And he seems so lost, as if he needs me.”
“That is a good place to continue. You never know where that path will lead.”
“How does a human survive so many emotions when they’re so big they want to burst out of me?” Estelle shook her head. “I don’t want to eat, I cannot sleep. When he comes near, my cheeks blaze and I want to giggle for no reason.” She shook her head. “I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same, and even if he did, I must return home in three days.”
“Enjoy everything that love brings, for if you only have limited time, it will be that much sweeter.” Then she lowered her voice. “But perhaps you should talk honestly with the baron. Perhaps he can answer your questions and you can do the same for him.”
Estelle nodded. “Is that what humans do?”
“If they are smart.”
“I saw him change into the beast last night as I ran away.”
“Oh?” A wariness entered the duchess’ face. “How did that make you feel?”
“Awed but concerned.”
“Sebastian would never harm you.”
“I feel that too.” Estelle shook her head. “It’s not that. I’m concerned for him. He’s troubled and controlled by his beast. Soon, he will lose that battle, and then what will happen?”
“There is always a risk when dealing with afflicted beings. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.” Alice stood. “I must check on Donovan. He has developed the habit of reading to our young one, and that, in turns, puts him to sleep in the nursery until someone retrieves him.” Her smile was stronger. “I want to spend this night in his company.”
“I promise to speak with Sebastian as soon as we arrive at the ball.” Estelle rose with an eye on the duchess. “Is wanting to be together with a man one… cares for a human failing?”
“Oh no. Think of it rather as a strength with experience. A woman in love is a powerful force, but a couple united can conquer any obstacle.”
She caught Sebastian shortly after he arrived, since she’d come with the duke and duchess; he had not accompanied them.
“May I have a moment of your time?” she asked, her voice low and hesitant. “I wish to speak with you in private.”
“You don’t wish to dance?” He brushed a hand over his waistcoat of silver embroidered with tiny white snowflakes. “I chose this piece especially to match your gown, or rather Alice suggested it would be good form.”
Her heart fluttered. “I would love to dance, but not now.”
“Ah.” His eyes darkened slightly. “I’ve never had cause to disappoint a lady.”
A tremor danced down her spine. He was dangerous and full of wicked promise that made her pulse race. “Where?” The floorplans of the various townhouses she’d been in this week perpetually confused her.
“Come.” Sebastian grabbed her hand and pulled her down a corridor. “No doubt there’s a parlor or drawing room nearby.” He must have had a knack, for when he opened a door at the end of the hall, it proved a drawing room. “This should be sufficient for your needs.”
Anxiety twisted her stomach as he ushered her inside the room and closed the door behind them. A single candelabra was lit on a fireplace mantle, and that, combined with the low fire in the hearth threw soft golden light about the space. Ever since the night before, she couldn’t stop thinking about him as the wolf and how much it pained him to be such.
“Sebastian.” Perhaps talking and telling him the truth was the only way to start the conversation.
“Somehow I don’t think you brought me here for a risqué assignation.” But there was no censure in his voice. “Before you go on, let me say you are stunning tonight, shining like a Christmas star.” Admiration was written all over his face as he raked his gaze up and down her person.
“Oh.” She shivered but she was far from cold. “I’ve been thinking about last night.”
The light died in his eyes. Wariness replaced everything else. “And?”
Estelle wished she’d not forgotten her fan, for her face flamed. “I want you to shift for me so that I might come to know your inner beast.”
“I beg your pardon?” He stared at her as if she’d ask him to eat a mouse.
“Please, Sebastian.” She stepped forward and laid a palm on his chest. “Last night you did so in the heat of anger and under horrid circumstances. I want to see what happens when you change into your wolf because I ask you to, so that I can sort through the emotions being with you makes me feel.”
A look of such despair came over him that she wanted to cry. “After you see me do this, it will solidify your disdain and horror of me.”
“No.” She curled a hand into the lapel of his well-tailored jacket. “I will understand you.”
He held her gaze for long moments where the only sound was the crackling of the logs in the fireplace and the beating of her heart. “For you, I will do this.” When he began undoing the buttons on his jacket, he grinned. “Against my better judgment, but since I don’t have a spare set of clothing here, I shall shed them now.”
“Oh dear.” As another round of heat jumped into her cheeks, Estelle twirled about to give him privacy. She’d only seen him as the wolf last night when she’d glanced back over her shoulder, and though her curiosity about glimpsing his complete human form knew no bounds, she refused to peek.
“Your modesty is adorable.” Humor clung to his tone. After a few seconds of fabric rustling and buttons thudding onto the floor when he dropped his clothing, the energy of the room changed.
The baby-fine hairs on her nape quivered. Gooseflesh raised on her arms. When sounds of agony emanated from him and he groaned in pain, she bit her bottom lip. “Does it hurt so terribly much?”
“You have no idea.” With a grunt he fell silent, and another sound vibrated through the air—the low, warning growl of a beast.
“Sebastian?” Though fear skittered along her nerve endings, Estelle turned about. Instead of the man she’d talked to only moments before, a large wolf stood in his place, its hackles raised, the chestnut fur thick and luxurious. His ears were pricked, his amber eyes alert and primal. “Is that truly you?” When she bent to peer deeper into the wolf’s eyes, the animal growled again and he stalked toward her, slow measured step after step.
Fear climbed her throat. She retreated over the hardwood, nearly tripping over the edge of an Oriental carpet in the process. “Remember who you are, Sebastian. Deep down inside, you are still very much human. You can control yourself when you’re in this form.”
Another growl escaped him. He snapped his jaws together in the attempt to nip at her clothing, and when a grouping of leather winged-back chairs blocked her escape, the wolf lunged at her, his mouth gaping open, and all she could see was how he’d been last night with
blood on his muzzle and dripping from those teeth.
Estelle screamed. She ran around the chairs with the wolf in pursuit. Then she pelted over the floor, her heart pounding. After she’d wrenched at the door, she slipped through the opening, slamming it behind her and kept running down the corridor until she’d gained the stairs. She hurried down, her steps faltering on each tread. As tears streamed over her cheeks, she dashed to the front door. A footman hurried to open it for her and then she escaped outside, her only wish was putting distance between her and that wolf so she could think and make sense of everything.
Poor Sebastian. What must it be like for him to battle with such an opponent all the time, never having a life of his own?
She didn’t know how long she ran and she didn’t have a specific destination in mind, but by the time she stopped, her feet ached in the silly, fancy slippers, and when she looked around, shock stabbed through her, for she’d run to Hyde Park.
Where the whole odyssey began—her falling to Earth, learning about humans, becoming one… and discovering she was in love with Sebastian.
Love, what a terrible state to find oneself in, for it was tumultuous at best, this feeling of being pulled in two directions.
As she followed the pathways to the spot where she’d hit the ground, her toes tingled from the cold. A shiver racked her body. Perhaps she should have thought ahead and requested her cloak before stupidly running out into the winter night.
But she hadn’t, for like every day since she’d come to Earth, her thoughts had been consumed in some way or another with Sebastian and his well-being.
“Why can I not forget him?” she raged to the heavens, but the only answer was the twinkling of the stars in the inky darkness. “Why do I share such a strong connection to this not-quite-human, who fights with a horrible wild side?”
Estelle searched the dark sky, able to pinpoint the exact spot in the heavens where she was supposed to glow. A wave of homesickness swamped her, and as her breathing labored, tiny puffs of air clouded about her head. “Supreme Celestial Leader, let me come home. I cannot bear it here any longer.”
Being a human, having a human heart and feeling all-too-human emotions was too overwhelming, too big for her to survive. It was too hurtful to maintain herself when everyone around her was so frail and struggling against life’s hurts and trials. She couldn’t fix everyone, even if she wanted to make them better, see them happy. The only thing she could do was stand by and witness them go through their hardships, for if humans did one thing well it was persevering.
Why are you so troubled about such a tiny, infant race, child? The booming voice of the celestial leader echoed through the chambers of her mind. You were only supposed to observe them.
That made her current quandary that much more ironic. “I cannot merely observe, not when these people are so real to me, have been so helpful and kind.” She shook her head as she once more thought of Sebastian. He struggles so much against that which he has no control over. He never asked for the curse, and I fear he will die because of it.
That is not for you to muse over. He is not your concern.
“Oh, but he is, for I’m not certain I can exist anywhere without him.”
But you must.
A tear fell to her cheek. “Promise me he will live out his days happy. I couldn’t bear to leave him if he remains broken.”
I cannot make that guarantee. Humans are intent on destroying themselves in one way or another.
A wave of sadness washed over her. What would become of him if she returned home? “Why does it have to be so horrid here?” Among the stars, the only thing she had to do was shine and occasionally guide humans away from danger, perhaps inspire them, but here? The emotional torment was unbearable... yet oddly, such things were the very mark of being a human.
Tears fell in earnest now, and she didn’t try to wipe them away. Estelle dropped to her knees despite the snow on the ground; how well she remembered marveling over the simple wonder when she’d arrived. The Supreme Celestial Leader said nothing more in her head. Of course he wouldn’t, for those cold beings had washed their hands of her the moment she touched down on Earth. They only used her for their amusement of the moment.
“Please, just let Sebastian know joy. I wish for him to live in happiness and for him to forget I ever came into his life.” Her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands. “He shouldn’t have to mourn for me.”
Once you return to your celestial home, you’ll take up the mantle that you’ve temporarily delayed.
She said nothing, but her heart broke.
Little One, listen to that human heart you have. An existence here is not what you want anymore.
“No, I don’t.” The tears chilled her skin and she mopped at them with her gloved fingers. “I want him.” She wished to make a life for herself with Sebastian, perhaps have a child, and finally know what it felt to have someone’s heart, to be loved. “I want this life.”
He hasn’t declared himself.
“I know, but that doesn’t change how I feel about him.” If she remained here, perhaps she’d have the time to convince him.
The human who would kill you with his beast if given half a chance. There was no censure there, only mild surprise.
“He wouldn’t if only he remembered his own humanity.” A tremor edged down her spine, for he was terrifying as the wolf.
Silence reigned in her mind for long moments, broken only by the scratch of the tree limbs above her head and the gentle whistle of the winter breeze that sent the cold deep into her bones.
Then there was the low buzz of conversation sailing through her mind as the Court debated her fate. Finally, the Supreme Celestial Leader silenced the voices. We have seen your struggle, witnessed your heartache and anguish and confusion. As such, we have come to a decision. Do you wish to return to us forevermore and remove yourself from such harsh conditions, never to return?
Did she? If she left, never would she see Sebastian again or hear his voice, feel his touch. How could she manage an eternity without that? But if she remained, there was every possibility he wouldn’t return her feelings, and her angst would mean nothing, except perhaps harden her heart toward someone else, but she would always remember how it felt to love him. Such was the peril of being human. Stars knew none of that. Softly, she cried, ignoring the cold and the wetness of her skirting due to the snow. Then, she lifted her head and stared into the night sky.
Beyond a doubt Estelle knew what she wanted for her own life.
Even if she ultimately didn’t win Sebastian’s heart, it didn’t matter. Living life as a human was vastly superior than existing as a star with no emotions. Feeling things were what made a person alive, what helped them grow. Failures and overcoming them were a uniquely human experience, and she needed that far beyond the glory of residing within the heavens. “I want to remain on Earth as a human.”
If you do this, you will forfeit any celestial power remaining in you.
“I understand,” she whispered, and the breeze snatched at the sound.
Very well, Little One. A certain… fondness lingered in the Supreme Celestial Leader’s voice. At midnight, you will cease to exist as a heavenly body and will no longer retain your magic. No longer will you enjoy a long life. Do you understand?
“Yes.” Estelle’s stomach knotted. She thought it might hurt more than it did to renounce everything she’d ever known, but her heart swelled with the knowledge that she’d made this decision, this most important of changes, by herself. “Until midnight, I can use whatever power remains to me for any purpose I so choose. Is this correct?” An idea was forming, and she wanted to carry it through.
It is, as long as you don’t cause calamity or chaos in the human world.
“I only wish to give a gift.” She smiled and wiped at the remaining tears. Why hadn’t it occurred to her before now to give the very essence of who she was to someone else? Was that the compassion and kindness Sebastian and ever
yone else talked of when explaining Christmastide to her? Wishing to give a gift to someone who could never repay it? Yes, she would do this before she became... ordinary.
Very well, Little One. The collective of the cosmos wishes you luck and extends you great fortune. As you live your limited human life, look up at the stars and remember the choice that you have made this night.
The heavy burden sitting on her shoulders fell away. “I will. Thank you.”
The voice in her head was silent for the first time in her existence.
“Estelle?” Then Sebastian was there with her, in his human form, dressed once more in his evening finery. He maneuvered around her until she peered upward into his face. Concern and worry etched his expression and furrowed his brow; shadows blanketed his dear amber eyes. Now more than ever she was certain of what she wanted from this world. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, I was more frightened than anything.” She attempted a smile, but it was a wobbly affair. “So I ran, because I needed time to think. About everything.”
“And you came here.”
“Yes.”
He frowned. “You wish to return home.” It wasn’t a question.
“I did.”
Hurt sprang into his eyes, and her stomach knotted again. “You would leave without saying goodbye to me?”
“I was confused, needing answers.” Everything she’d ever wanted to know lay with him. No matter how long it took, she would discover every answer. “I thought going home would give me that.” Warmth invaded her person the longer she looked at him. This was what she was fated to do all along—help him.
“You could have talked to me, let me explain my wolf to you. I would have told you how much I struggle, how I despise him and what happens to me when he appears.” Sebastian shoved a hand through his hair. “How I would leave him if I could, how I need to tell you so much more, but you didn’t give me the chance.”
Transformed By A Christmas Star: A Lords of the Night novella Page 10
