by Elle Linder
She glanced at the ultrasound image of her baby on the coffee table, and the familiar pressure in her chest was still there, as it had been since she returned from Idaho. The powerful mixture of guilt and heartache left her crying each night as she went to bed. Would she be able to raise Rick’s baby alone? It didn’t appear she had a choice.
Thump, thump, thump came from her door. She peeled herself off the sofa. Upon opening it, she choked on her spit.
“Mom!” What was her mother doing in Los Angeles?
“Oh, Renny, how are you?” She wrapped her arms around Lauren tightly. “I’ve missed you so much.” Paige released her and entered her apartment without being invited. “I see you haven’t done much with the place since the last time I was here…three years ago.”
Lauren stared at her mom, stunned stupid. Snow bunny Paige had left the mountains donning wedge sandals and a flirty off-the-shoulder dress. She’d over-accessorized, as always, with several necklaces, big dangly earrings, and rings on every finger. She sparkled in the dimly lit room.
“You darkened your hair,” Lauren said. “Why?”
“Do you like it?” Paige flipped her hair off her shoulder.
“It’s brown.”
“So?”
“You’re a natural blonde.”
“I needed a change. And I was tired of the men going after the brunettes. So, I made myself a brunette.” She flashed a wide grin.
“Oh, okay.” Lauren’s gaze fell on the sonogram picture, and her heart stopped. She hadn’t planned on telling her mom until…never. As she darted toward the table, she stopped cold in her tracks. Paige had beat her to it.
“What’s this?” Her eyes bulged, looking at Lauren. She looked down at the image, then back at Lauren, down at the image, then back at Lauren. “Well?”
“What does it look like?” Lauren sassed, walking to the sliding glass door. The thick tension building in her apartment threatened to suffocate her.
“It has your name on it. You’re six weeks pregnant?”
“That would be correct.”
“Were you going to tell me?”
“I hadn’t planned on it.” Lauren plopped onto the sofa, grabbed her shake, and sucked on the straw.
“Renny, why weren’t you going to tell me?” Paige pushed her lip out. The very sight of her nauseated Lauren.
“Eventually I would have.” She sighed and got them back on track. “What are you doing here, Mom?”
“Well, I came to see my baby.” Paige sat on the club chair, her eyes still on the image of the baby inside Lauren.
Lauren fidgeted uncomfortably, lost for words. Her screen lit up on the coffee table, Rick’s name flashing. This was the worst time for him to call, and her stomach flipped. Paige leaned forward in her chair.
“Who’s Rick? Your boyfriend?” She hiked a brow, nearly salivating for the dirty details. “The baby’s father?”
Paige’s disgusting interest in her daughter’s sex life had driven a wedge between them when Lauren turned sixteen. She had assumed Lauren was sexually active given her beauty because “no one could be so beautiful and not be sexually active.” It had been the first of many offenses against Lauren and the one that bothered her the most. What kind of mother put such nonsense in her teenager’s head?
“Renny?”
“Something like that.” Lauren rolled her eyes as the call went to voicemail.
“Why didn’t you answer it? Did you break up?”
“Something like that.”
“Dammit, Renny! Can’t we ever have a normal conversation?”
“Well, if we were normal, we probably would. But since we’re not, why make an effort?”
“Because you’re going to be a mother.” A mother. Those two words hit Lauren like a ton of bricks. She looked at Paige. For the first time in forever, genuine love shone through her mother’s ocean-blue eyes. “Do you want a relationship like ours with your child?”
“That would never happen.” Lauren’s gaze dropped to her lap.
“You say that now, but our relationship wasn’t always strained like it is now. There was a time you liked me—loved me.”
“Those were the days when you acted like my mom instead of a harlot parading men in and out of the house after Dad left. After he left, you stopped being a mom.” Lauren shook her head. “What was it you used to say? Something about making up for all the years you were forced into motherhood.” The little light on her phone flashed, telling her Rick had left her a voicemail. Her heart raced watching the green light blink.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, Renny. But I’m here right now. Can’t we try to have a good visit? Tell me about your man.” She pointed to the phone, sitting on the edge of her seat. Her enthusiasm about Rick irritated her.
“He’s not my man. He’s my baby daddy. There’s nothing to tell.”
“Other than you’re six weeks pregnant, almost seven?”
“That’s about it.”
“Tell me about him. Please.”
Lauren put the straw to her lips, keeping her eyes on the green light. It was the first time she had heard from Rick since she left him. Why did he finally call weeks later? She glanced at Paige, who waited patiently.
Might as well talk.
“His name is Rick Torres. He lives in Idaho, and he has a little girl. We met in July, I thought he might be the one, I got pregnant, and now two months later, we’re done.” There, story over. That should satisfy snow bunny Paige Porter. Lauren groaned, sipping her warm milkshake.
When Paige gnawed on a nail, that meant she wanted more details. But Lauren would have none of that, especially after her mom had shown up in L.A. unexpectedly. Lauren owed her nothing.
As the light flashed on her phone again, she quaked inside with all the buried emotions she had beaten into a dark cave in her core. All the progress she had made not thinking of Rick was squashed by one single phone call and a flashing green light.
As much as Lauren wanted to know why he had called, it was best to leave well enough alone. She had no intention of starting anything with him now that there was a baby involved.
“Renny?” Hearing that horrible nickname pulled her right out of her thoughts.
“What?”
“Did you love him?” The question knocked the wind right out of her. What was she to say? “Your silence tells me you do. Don’t you?” Paige’s face softened, and for a split second it reminded Lauren of the way she used to be, before the divorce.
Over the last ten years, Lauren had needed her mom desperately. Now, as her hand trembled setting the cup down, a wave of emotion hit her, rippling through her from her toes up to her chest. She covered her mouth, fighting to contain the sobs inching up her throat, her eyes locked on the picture of the baby.
“Oh, Renny, my sweet, beautiful baby.” Paige was beside Lauren in an instant, wrapping her in a warm embrace as she fell apart. “My sweet girl, oh, my sweet girl.”
Listening to Rick’s voicemail would be bad, very bad, given her emotional state. Yet Lauren couldn’t take her eyes off the tempting green blinking light. After breaking down in her mom’s arms, she had gotten her situated in Julia’s old bedroom. Despite Paige’s eagerness to be motherly, Lauren had convinced her that she was exhausted and needed to sleep.
But there she lay, phone within arm’s reach as she willed herself to close her eyes—to sleep. She needed rest. It was what she’d lacked the last couple of weeks while grieving the loss of Rick. Just as she thought she was moving forward, he had called.
With each flash of the green light, her curiosity grew.
Paige’s words also came to mind. “Listen to your mother: talk to him. Mother knows best,” she had said. Internally, she rolled her eyes at Paige.
“Mother knows best” was a delusion in her life. But for her baby, it wouldn’t be.
Why had Rick called? Why had he left a message?
The light continued to flash, and then a notification popped up—a text. She pi
cked up the phone. Lauren pressed her lips together, and a small curl appeared in the corner of her mouth.
Julia: How are you?
Lauren: Fine. Snow bunny arrived unannounced. And Rick called, left a message.
Julia: Paige is there??? Why??? Are you ignoring Rick?
Lauren: Yes, I have no idea why she’s here. I’m not intentionally ignoring him.
Julia: Then return his call. Give him a chance. Tell him about the baby.
Lauren: We’ll ruin his life.
She turned the phone off after sending her text. She was done.
Lauren rolled to her side, heavyhearted. If Rick really wanted to be with her, he wouldn’t have let her go so easily.
It was that simple.
The midnight sky had been a comfort to Rick when he missed Lauren. Which was every day. He’d search for constellations, wondering if Lauren was looking at the stars too. In those brief moments, he felt closer to her. But it did nothing for the ache in his chest.
The last time he made love to her replayed in his head each night. Tortured memories of her velvety skin made his hands tingle, begging to touch her. His parched mouth thirsted for hers. His unquenchable desire to have her pressed up against him was unbearable.
His freaking senses wouldn’t let him forget her.
And he didn’t want to forget her—he needed her.
He looked at his phone for the hundredth time since calling her. The waiting was bullshit, and he paced in his room. Unwilling to wait around for her to return his call, Rick dialed again, though it was nearly eleven o’clock at night. Lauren was a night owl; she’d be up.
It rang once, and he went straight to voicemail, crushing his hopes.
At the window, he looked at the sky again. He wasn’t discouraged this time. In the morning, he’d try again. Lauren belonged with him.
It was that simple.
twenty-nine
It’s Always Alaska
Autumn was fast approaching, the time of year Luke enjoyed most. Hunting season would be upon him, a crackling fire’s glow, and for the first time in years he had someone to share the season with.
Best yet, his wedding day was in less than a month.
Everything he felt for Julia had been absent when he married Renee. How could he have missed the obvious signs that they were all wrong for each other? Because he was stubborn about decisions and always followed through when he gave his word. Putting his college ring on Renee’s finger had sealed the deal, and he hadn’t been able to renege.
What an idiot he had been back then.
The faces of Heather and Brice appeared as he opened the door to the little cabin. A religious man Luke was not, but his mother had been, and before she’d died twelve years ago, she had made Luke promise to never curse God. Even during her most painful days, she had believed good would come from her death. Luke and his father didn’t share her beliefs. Both were angry at “her God” for making her sick at such a young age. That was something they agreed on: Margaret Hamill died too young.
Margaret’s death had hit Luke hard. An only child, he’d had no one left after she died. His father sure as hell had never been able to fill the void his mother left behind.
Now, with kids of his own, Luke’s heart grieved the fact that his kids had never had the chance to know their Nana. His mom had called his children “a gift from God,” and that he would never argue. They were the best gift, despite his shitty marriage to Renee.
He sat at his desk, setting his gaze on Julia’s picture. Her hazel green eyes had gold flecks in them, like his mom’s. Julia also had the same kind of playful warmth his mom had. It was then, sitting in the quiet cabin, that he realized how similar Julia really was to his mom. She loved big and would sacrifice her own happiness for those she loved. He sniffed back the overwhelming gratitude that suddenly overcame him.
His pocket vibrated. “Shit, it’s from Alaska.” He took a deep breath, answering the phone. “Luke speaking.”
“Mr. Luke Hamill?” the woman asked.
“Yes, speaking.”
“I’m the director of the halfway house where your wife lives.”
“Ex-wife,” he vehemently corrected. “What’s she done now?”
“I’m sorry, ex-wife. She still refers to you as her husband.”
He groaned. “Well, I’m not. What can I do for you, Ms.…?”
“Adams, Colleen Adams. I’m…”
Any day now, lady. He stared at Julia’s picture. She was his wife in every sense of the word…his life. He didn’t need to take a vow or sign a paper declaring it so; he’d already committed his life to her.
“Renee has been missing for twenty-four hours.”
He stood from his desk. “What do you mean missing?” His hand gripped the back of his neck. Instantly he turned ridged. Is this all for attention, Renee? Tense with frustration, he clenched his jaw firmly.
“The residents can leave on their own admission, as you must be aware.”
“Yes.”
“She left for a walk and hasn’t returned. Once twenty-four hours passes, we call the authorities to file a missing person report and contact the family.”
Luke paced, rubbing his beard. “She’s missing? And nobody has heard from her?”
“That’s correct. Do you know where she might have gone? Who her friends are or any family she has in the area? We’ve gone by your…her home. She didn’t take any of her things when she left, and she left a couple of letters. We’re concerned she may try to hurt herself.”
Holy hell!
“No, I don’t know any of her friends, and she doesn’t have family in the area. What kind of letters? Goodbye letters?” Renee had been estranged from her parents since college. They hadn’t even attended the wedding, much like his own father, who had been pissed at him for getting married just as his military career was getting off the ground. But his mother was there, even in her weakened state.
“Sort of goodbye. They were jumbled and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. What do you suggest we do? If we don’t know where to look for her, we won’t be of much help to the authorities.”
Luke scratched the top of his head. Heather and Brice would be devastated if they lost their mother. Even if she wasn’t the best, she was still their mother. Luke paced, taking wide strides. This couldn’t be happening. Worry laced with rage seeped into his veins.
Would Renee ever get a grip on her life and stay the hell out of his? His disdain for her had grown exponentially in the last sixty seconds. It was his kids that had kept him from being done with her once and for all.
“Mr. Hamill? Are you there?” Colleen asked. She didn’t sound much older than mid-twenties, nor did she sound like she would “get the job done” finding Renee.
“I’m here. And I’ll be coming to Alaska.”
The decision had been made, as excruciating as it was for Luke. He would do anything for his kids. Whatever game Renee was playing, he would find her, take her back to the halfway house, and get on with his life. For however long it would last until she did something else to upend his life.
After the call, he checked flights and jotted down all the places Renee might go. But there was one person who knew her better than him: Rick. In the last few years, or since he’d left on his last deployment, Rick had been closest to Renee. Luke had no intention of going to Alaska alone. This time he would bring Rick. He dialed his number.
“Morning,” Rick grumbled.
“Did I wake you?”
“Yeah, I had a crappy night’s sleep. Izzy woke up crying in the middle of the night. Night terrors, I’m assuming, or at least that’s what the parenting books call it.”
“You’re reading books?”
“Yeah, e-books on my iPad. I’m not an expert on kids, ya know.” Rick yawned into the phone, roaring like a lion. “Why are you calling?”
“Right. Renee is missing.”
“Are you shitting me? Missing?”
“Well, missing according to the
director of the halfway house.”
“Will she ever be drama-free?”
“Not likely. I’m going to Juneau, and I’d like you to come with me to search for her.”
“Search for her? Sounds serious.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “It is serious if she’s really missing. Or this could be one of her games.”
“Could be. But if it’s not, she could be in trouble.”
“Yes.”
“All right. I’ll go with you, but I need to call Lauren. I tried last night and got her voicemail. I have to talk to her before I go with you.”
“That’s fine. I need to talk to Julia too. I don’t imagine it’ll go over well. In fact, I know it won’t. She’s in Spokane today for some bridal fair and won’t be back until later. I’ll call you after I talk to her.”
“Okay. Good luck.”
“Thanks. And call Lauren.”
“I will.”
Unfamiliar sounds from outside her room jolted Lauren awake. Drawers opened and closed, glasses clinked together, and there was…a faint humming. Snow bunny had risen in a chipper and no doubt twitterpated mood.
Lauren reached for her phone, turning it on.
Rick called a second time?
Her stomach fluttered in sync with her heart rate.
But no message.
A gnawing in her stomach forced her upright. She sat on the edge of the bed, hand on her stomach. She pulled her long hair to the side where it cascaded over her breast.
Two calls, one message…what did it all mean? Did she dare to hope?
And hope for what exactly?
The phone came to life in her hand, and Rick’s name illuminated on the screen. Did she answer it? Would she regret it? Would she regret not answering it?
Now was not the time to be immature—a baby.
Baby.
“Hello?” she answered, voice low and hesitant.
A heavy sigh of relief filled her ear. “Lauren…” He inhaled. “Thank you for answering.”
