Gasping, I cry out, "No, you're not."
Actually laughing in a quick sarcastic burst, Malcolm growls, "For being so goddamn smart, you're being really fucking stupid right now. No offense," he smirks with an eye roll, and I almost laugh. But then I don't laugh when the reality of what he’s saying hits me hard in my stomach.
"I am so in love with you I feel like a jackass kid in high school who gets his feelings hurt 3 days ago when you said this has been the worst summer ever, when for me it's been the best summer of my life. Seeing you nearly every day, speaking to you every day, being just... Fuck,” he huffs.
“I wait to see you, and I wait to hear from you. I want to know how you slept, and what you ate. I want to know that you're okay, and that you feel okay. There is nothing I don't think and feel about you every goddamn day and it's making me crazy."
"Malcolm-"
“Don't tell me what I feel, and don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm a grown man and I'm in love with you, Saige. Fuck, I even listen to your shit-awful music when we're not together because I imagine making love with you to goddamn Depeche Mode,” he laughs sarcastically.
“I want you to fall in love me as much as I’ve fallen in love with you. But it's hard feeling what I feel because I don't know what to do with you. I'm scared I'll freak you out, or scare you, or just make you run. I'm afraid you're not emotionally ready to love again, and I'm scared to death you're not physically ready for anything with me after what happened to you."
"Malcolm, I-"
"But I was prepared to wait for you to get there on your own. I'm a patient man, Saige. So I wanted you to see what everyone else sees we already have and could have together. Selena, and Mike, and even my friend Dan all see what's between us. God, I see it, and know it, and feel it. But you're so fucking stubborn and hurt and scared, and just not ready to love again, so I was going to wait for you to come to me when you were ready."
Stepping only a foot from me, Malcolm stares at my eyes as I try to find the right words for him.
Shaking my head, I know he's wrong. "I have no love to give you," I whisper so sadly I feel like I'm breaking up with my best friend suddenly. "Tyler was my last try after loving Alec and my father."
"Tyler cheated on you, Saige. He didn't love you enough to stay faithful to you, and your brother left you because he couldn't see a future that still included you because he was scared and hurt."
"Malcolm," I raise my hands in front of me to keep him away. My chest is getting so tight I can’t breathe properly. And the longer he speaks the less okay I feel.
“Saige, They. Left. You. You didn't do the leaving, so you can't take the blame or punish yourself anymore.”
“I’m not punishing myself.”
“Your dad left because he was a selfish prick, and Tyler cheated because he was an immature asshole looking for something more than you. Which trust me, doesn't actually exist.”
“Malcom, please.”
“And your brother loved you, Saige. But he was a just a kid who was hurt badly and he didn't know what else to do. He made a horrible mistake when he killed himself, but he didn't do it to hurt you."
"Malcolm, I'm getting really messed up right now, so I think you should maybe stop speaking," I cry a little as the shaking takes over my whole body.
"Saige, you could love again."
Shaking my head, I need him to understand the hollow that is my heart. "Malcolm, I have no love to give you. It was used up and thrown away, and it would never work between us."
Shaking his head he cuts me off again. "You haven't even tried."
"I did try. I tried so hard. I gave everything, and now I have nothing again."
About to touch my face, I pull away quickly. "You haven't tried with me. And you have me to love," Malcolm moans so sadly, I actually feel his sadness.
"I’m so sorry, but I don't want to love you."
"Yes, you do," he pushes.
"I really don't, Malcolm," I say desperately. "Why is that so hard for you to understand? Why can't you see that? There is nothing left inside me and no love left to give you. All I have now is the sad determination needed to move past my life so I can help other people instead. Plus, I'm leaving in 2 months."
"So? You don't think I'd wait 4 years for you? You don't think I would give up anything for you?"
"It doesn't matter. It won't work out."
Bending down low so he's level with my eyes, Malcolm says only, "You're so wrong."
Shaking my head I plead desperately. "I'm not wrong about this, I know it."
"Who do you call or text first thing in the morning? Who do you call or text before you go to bed at night? Who do you look forward to seeing, and who do you spend all your free time with? Who do you hug when you need to be comforted, Saige?"
"You. But as friends, Malcolm."
Looking exhausted and frustrated and maybe even sad, Malcolm whispers, "Kiss me, Saige." Wanting to cry because his blue eyes are begging me to kiss him, I just can't do it. "Kiss me!" He yells in my face jolting me from my sadness.
"No." Trying to turn away before I make another mistake I won't survive, Malcolm actually pulls me back to him by my arm and waist.
Suddenly leaning his forehead against my own he moans desperately, "Look at me," until I freeze against him in panic and shock.
Begging me, Malcolm breathes across my face all his desperation. "You know I would never hurt you, so stop using that as an excuse to never move on. Stop looking for me to disappoint you like they did. Look. At. Me," he growls when I try to look away.
"Kiss me, Saige. Kiss me like you want to and watch me take nothing more than you can give me. Watch me follow you as far as you can go. And watch me love you until you love me back. Kiss me..." He moans so sadly my heart actually breaks for him.
Breathing against each other, his hand moves from my waist to hold my face in his hands. He doesn't move his body closer, and I can't move at all.
My mind is spinning and I'm so scared and desperate to get out of this, I don't know what to say anymore.
"This will ruin everything," I cry, pleading with him to understand.
"Kiss me..." he moans again as I cry out against him. "Just kiss me, Saige," he chants softly. "Kiss me like you want and I'll take only what you can give me. Please kiss me, Saige," he begs so sweetly, my heart starts pounding against him.
"Malcolm, I can't."
"Kiss me, Saige, and you'll know only the love I have to give you. You won't find the father who left you or the brother who hurt you or the boyfriend who betrayed you. Kiss me, and you'll only find me wanting to love you."
"I don't know how to give you what you want."
"Stop thinking, and just kiss me, Saige," he actually chokes up against me and I can't take it anymore.
Raising my head, I stare at his beautiful eyes one last time as they are in this moment, and with dread in my heart for the heartbreak I'm promising myself, I give in to him and kiss his lips.
Softly, I touch his lips with my own until I feel his whole body shudder. Opening my eyes, he whispers, "Just kiss me, Saige," as I rise back up to his mouth.
Kissing him, my hands hold his sides and my head turns for a deeper kiss. Kissing, Malcolm sighs against my mouth but he doesn't move and he doesn't take more from me than I can give.
Kissing softly, he finally opens his mouth for me to taste him, and like the darkness lifting I inhale his breath into me as we both moan.
And he still doesn't move.
Looking up at him, I see him crouched over me unmoving, looking so afraid I'll stop, I feel his heavy sadness and fear. Crying, I feel everything he has to offer me as he waits.
"Come here," I turn taking his hand to lead him to the slouchy chair by the fireplace.
Watching him sit slowly, I wait.
Watching him questioning me without words, I finally move.
Crawling right in his lap with my legs on either side of his thighs, my dress rises but I don't care. I need to kiss Malc
olm suddenly with an intensity that is both exciting and frightening at the same time. I suddenly find myself wanting to kiss the man sitting so still, grasping the arms of the chair waiting for me.
So wrapping my arms around his neck I lean in and kiss him like I want to. I kiss him and I finally experience Malcolm.
Softly, I explore him until hungrily I devour him.
Rising on my knees, my body towers over his as I kiss him as hard as I want to. I don't ask permission, and I don't offer more. Malcolm offered himself to me and I'm taking him.
Tugging on his shaggy dark hair I lean and move and kiss him until we both make noises of desperation.
Moving against him, I find my body heating up and my mind clearing. From dread to desire I kiss him harder, moving against his chest with a growing need I never thought I could ever feel again.
Pulling away, Malcolm looks almost pained below me. His face is tight and harsh looking, and his eyes are wide and intense. He's breathing deeply in quick hard pants, and his body seems so tense with the control he's exerting I need to do something to ease him.
"Kiss me back," I offer as he moves under me.
Slowly, I see his hands unclench from the chair arms to take my head in his hands again. Giving me time to react, Malcolm is slow and gentle and I just adore him for his patience.
"I'm okay."
"Okay," he grins before pulling me to his mouth for a stunningly deep, breathless kiss.
After forever, I find myself shifting and moving against him again. I kneel up or slide down his chest but he never moves with me and he never releases me from his grasp as we kiss.
He is constant, like he always is for me, and I suddenly feel his constant all around me.
Kissing him deeply again I'm surprised by his amazing mouth. "You're so soft," I sigh against his lips between kisses.
"Not everywhere," he replies.
Understanding what he means in my kissing haze I burst out laughing when he grins at me like he always does. Kissing the laughter from my mouth, all the intensity and the fear is suddenly gone from my chest.
Looking at his eyes watching me as I giggle away the tension, everything returns back to just Saige and Malcolm in his room.
When I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his neck, I hear myself sigh away all the stress and fear of this night between us.
"I'm not ready for that, Malcolm. Not yet," I acknowledge as he pulls back to look at me.
"I know. And I'm not asking for that," he grins again as I smile at him.
"What do you want, Malcolm?"
"Just kiss me when you can and I'll wait for you to be ready for more. That's all I want from you, Saige. I promise." Kissing me again sweetly, he actually seals his promise to me. "But I need you to understand that every single word I said to you was true. I am in love with you, and I do want to show you. But I'll wait for you to get there with me."
"Malcolm..." I have no words and I feel too much suddenly.
"Will you sleep with me? To sleep?"
"Yes." Crawling off Malcolm I notice when he moves uncomfortably in his jeans. Blushing furiously I look down and back to him smiling at me.
"It can't be helped. Not when you're climbing my chest writhing against me." Almost laughing again, I attempt to apologize until he stops me. "Don't be sorry. I can't even tell you how many times and in how many ways I've dreamed of you crawling up my chest to kiss me. And incidentally," he whispers leaning closer to me, "You were so much better in reality."
Nearly crying from his words, I smile instead. Pulling away from his intensity I walk backward with a stupid grin on my face until bumping into the wall I giggle stupidly and turn quickly for the bag of my clothes in his spare room.
Changing quickly into 2 piece pajamas, I wash my face and brush my teeth in the main bathroom. I'm nervous and excited but I'm so ready to climb into Malcolm's huge bed to sleep beside him. I'm ready for that, and I hope I'm ready for more soon because I have a feeling Malcolm will be amazing to me.
"Come here," Malcolm extends his hand when I pause in his doorway. "Just to sleep, Saige. I will never touch you unless you ask me to- and if you beg me to, even better," he smirks as I laugh at him.
"I'll never beg," I cross my arms over my chest.
"There's my stubborn wee lass. And I soooo love a challenge," he walks toward me with a swagger I've never seen before. Stopping in front of me, he bends to kiss me in the doorway before taking my hand. "Crawl in, Saige. I really want to hold you tonight," he sighs pulling me until I crawl into his opened arms in his bed.
Settling in against his side, I smell his scent and his warmth when I inhale him into my skin and settle against his heart.
"Good night, Mallie," I tease with a huge smile just for myself.
"Good night, ye wee Leprechaun," he counters as I squeeze his side tightly.
CHAPTER 27
Waking to too much sunshine, I barely open my eyes before Malcolm speaks. "I have to go to work, Saige."
"Good morning, Malcolm," I croak looking over a him.
Smiling at me as he leans forward in the chair, I'm told, "There's coffee made in the pot, and I'll take my lunch break at 12:00 so I can drive you to work."
"I can take a cab. And I have to get my car anyway." Sitting up against the headboard I really look at him this morning. Dressed in cargo pants and a t-shirt, he looks huge and growly, and even a little sexy gruff.
"What are you looking at?" He grins.
"You."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. Um, would you like me to make you some breakfast?"
"No. I've been up for an hour," he says as I look at the bedside clock. "I've already had breakfast, and I don't need you to make me breakfast anyway. I'm a big boy," he smirks.
"I know you are. I just thought I should do something for you. To make this even or something. Until I leave," I say a little softer.
"When were you planning on leaving?" He asks rising from the chair to sit beside me on his bed. Leaning in he looks like he's going to kiss me but pulls away when I do quickly.
"Morning breath," I cringe covering my mouth.
Tilting his head a little, Malcolm exhales slowly and stands back up. "There's no rush to leave, but I'll take you back whenever you want. You work til close tonight, right?" When I agree he continues. "So today isn't a good day and tomorrow you also work 1-12?"
"Yes. Wednesday, I'm just the morning until 1:00 though."
"Okay, so we'll go back to your place Wednesday afternoon and see how you feel there."
"But you have to work," I protest immediately. "I can just drive home with Selena."
"Saige, let me take you home. I'll feel better, and I think you'll feel better with me being there, right?"
"Yes," I admit a little embarrassed that I feel nervous still.
"Okay, so you'll stay here until Wednesday to see how you feel in your apartment. There’s no rush, and I like having you here," he finally smiles leaning against the TV wall near the door.
"Okay. Thank you. I guess I'll see you around 12:30 then."
"Have a good morning, and help yourself to anything. I'll set the alarm when I leave. Bye, Saige," he grins again.
"Bye, Malcolm," I grin back stupidly.
After a shower and dressing for work, I walk around Malcolm's house and snoop just a little. There isn't much stuff anywhere, and other than opening cupboards and drawers which are all tidy and organized, I can't find one single thing to make me question him or his motives.
There are no hidden pictures of wives or children, and there are no guns or knives hidden in strange corners like he's a paranoid freak. By all accounts, Malcolm seems totally, ridiculously normal, which is kind of annoying actually.
Not that I need any drama, but god, this guy is way too organized. Even I have a junk drawer of just miscellaneous crap I can't figure out what to do with or don't want to throw out for whatever reason. Huffing, I can't even find a junk drawer in his house, it's that organized.<
br />
Unless that's his problem? Maybe he's like the Sleeping With The Enemy husband and all the soup cans have to be positioned labels out and organized in his cupboards properly.
Argh… running back to his kitchen I throw open the cupboards and nope- all the food is normal looking with some stacked, and some side by side with no label harmony whatsoever.
Deciding I'm losing my mind, I send Malcolm a text.
'Are you a serial neat freak who kills people who don't line up labels properly on the shelves?' Waiting, I think I may have actually lost my mind.
'Yes.'He replies making me laugh.
'Why don't you have crap anywhere? Not that I'm snooping, but not even a junk drawer? Are you psychotic?'
'Yes.'
'I'm seriously asking you. Are you a freak, or secretly married, or recently released from prison after butchering kids at a secluded summer camp in the woods?' Holy shit. Even for me that one went a little too far, I burst out laughing.
'Yes. To all of the above.'
'Arse.' I type grinning.
'Karen won't let me have a messy house. She'd kick my ass and tell on me to Dan who would threaten to kick my ass. So I learned to keep it tidy.'
'Not even one junk drawer?'
'Beside the stove, bottom drawer. Are you snooping, Saige?'
'Just a little. Sorry. I didn't get to the stove before I panicked.:('
'Spare room as well. A whole mess of shit in there I don't know what to do with or where to put. So don't worry, I'm not a married neat-freak summer camp murdering psycho.'
'Whew... '
'See you at 12:20ish.'
'Thank you. See you then. Sorry I seem like a paranoid, snooping psycho.'
'No worries. Just don't look in the basement if you don't want to find the dead bodies.;)'
*****
When the alarm shuts off and Malcolm walks in I realize I missed him all morning. After my snooping/text escapade I was bored with nothing to do so I made him dinner to heat up later.
Turning to me, Malcolm asks, "Did you find the bodies in the basement?"
“No,” I laugh. “I didn't make it to the basement yet. But I did make you dinner after my freak out."
(Mis)Trust Page 31
