by Dee, Cara
On the other hand, if Gray had been in Jayden’s shoes, he would’ve hoped for many things.
If he was being honest, he wanted to be the one who took Jayden in. He wanted to watch Jayden grow up. He wanted to be there for him. He wanted Jonas’s soul at peace, knowing that his little brother was cared for.
“Fuck,” he whispered to himself and ran a hand through his hair.
Now he could understand his mother’s worry when he’d been little. His dreams had been larger than life. He knew from an early age that he was going to marry a terrific guy and have many children.
Reality wasn’t that simple. When Gray became a teenager, Mom explained to him about prejudice. When he became legal, he started looking into different types of adoption alternatives for the future. He read the requirements and spent weeks feeling depressed. Mom had comforted him, assuring him that, one day, Gray would be the perfect father to someone. Or several someones—but that the road was long.
Understatement of the year. Other than his sexuality making it more difficult to adopt, he had to be financially independent, preferably married, and have a successful career. Oh, and the kicker. While having a good job that provided a steady influx of cash, he had to be able to stay at home for long periods—if it was necessary. Such as adjustment periods and whatnot. Who could do that? For millions of parents across the country, all it took was a broken condom.
It wasn’t fair.
Since then, Gray had come to terms with the fact that he’d never have a big family. And, frankly, as the man he was today, that was okay. Everything had changed. But his attachment to Jayden wasn’t any less real, and he still adored children. Handing one over to a shelter felt entirely wrong.
Having no choice was even worse.
His only alternative was to hide, and that was no way to live. Not for him, and not for Jayden.
Gray caught movement in the rearview and saw that Jayden was stirring. Maybe he’d wake up soon.
Okay, structure. Reassurances. Adeline had promised to keep Jayden off any records for the time being. She’d done it before—sometimes for several months. It was a time frame, at least. Something to work with.
Visits were a given. Gray had made Jayden a deal about a five-dollar allowance, and he intended to keep it. They’d have to decide activities to do together, something that belonged to them. In short, they would carve out a space where they existed together while regulations and responsibilities kept them separated. And it was a responsibility for Gray to recover from his recent past. There was no other option. Because if he didn’t get better, he’d definitely never be what Jayden needed.
Gray took a deep breath and nodded to himself, and he realized his goal. His goal was to one day be that person for the boy.
There had to be a way.
The morning was the picture of the calm before the storm. They had breakfast on a gray beach; the seas were calm, the sand was dry, black cliffs shot up from the water here and there, and the forest behind them was quiet. But the storm clouds rolling in over the horizon were an angry obsidian against the white sky.
Darius knew Gray wanted to talk to Jayden, so he excused himself when they were done with their sandwiches. He grabbed the trash, lit up a smoke, and headed back to the car.
Jayden scrunched his nose and looked over his shoulder at where Darius was walking. Then he sniffed, his nose a bit runny, and shuddered. “It’s fucking cold.”
Gray ignored the cursing, removed his jacket, and parted his legs. “Come here.”
Jayden giggled and crawled over to sit between Gray’s legs. “Aren’t you cold?”
Oregon in February? Fucking freezing. “Nah.” Gray threw his jacket over Jayden like a blanket and tucked him in properly. “Better?”
Jayden nodded and turned a bit so he could look at Gray easier.
Gray touched the boy’s rosy cheek briefly. “So, I know you don’t want to get adopted.”
“I don’t,” Jayden agreed firmly. The topic put him on edge, and he eyed Gray warily. “You haven’t tricked me, have you?”
Gray shook his head. “No way.”
Jayden relaxed a little.
“I do wish I could take care of you permanently, though,” Gray admitted. “Would that be bad?”
Jayden frowned. “You wanna adopt me?”
Time for Gray to tread really fucking carefully. “I’m not allowed to right now,” he murmured. “But in the future…? Yeah. I would.”
“The future is a long time from now.”
“The future could be in five minutes or a month or a year.” Gray took a breath and suppressed a shiver from the cold. “You’ve witnessed enough of my nightmares and anxiety to know I have some things I need to do to get better. I have to go to therapy and heal.”
Jayden touched a scar on Gray’s hand that disappeared under the sleeve of his hoodie.
“But there are other things you can do at the same time,” Gray went on. “Like, we’re gonna do a lot of fun stuff as often as possible.”
Jayden seemed to perk up at that. “You’ll visit me?”
The hope in his pale brown eyes tore at Gray. Holy shit, his heart already belonged to the kid. His eyes watered, but he managed to push down the emotions.
“Fuck yeah.” He tried to be as lighthearted as he could. “If you think I’m leaving you alone, you’re very wrong. We’re gonna talk every day, and I’ll visit several times a week.”
For a short second, Jayden lit up like a sun, though it was quickly extinguished by experience. “Shelters have a lotta rules, ’specially shelters for women and children. Men can’t visit.”
“Adeline’s place is a bit different,” Gray explained. “Most of the people there are hiding—kind of like you. They’ve been stuck in relationships and families where someone has been abusive. Do you know the word?” He earned himself a duh look at that, and Gray chuckled. “Well. Both men and women live at her shelter. For the most traumatized kids, there are private rooms and floors where some people aren’t allowed, in case they bring back bad memories for the children. But either way, I’ll be able to visit whenever. And I’ll be able to take you out too. We can go hiking or get dinner. We’ll go to the marina when it’s warmer, and I’ll show you around the whole town.”
Jayden shifted around to sit on his legs. “It’ll be like that until you feel better and can adopt me?”
Gray’s heart jumped up in his throat. He wished it were that simple, but he’d make it happen, so help him God. “Is that something you’d be okay with? Living with me, I mean?”
Jayden rubbed his nose and nodded. “You’re not like normal foster families.”
Gray had a feeling he’d never like Jayden’s version of what normal was.
“It’s going to take time,” he cautioned. “We will probably have to come up with something temporary in between—before I’d be allowed to take you home with me.” He didn’t dare mention other foster families right now. “I’m gonna talk to Adeline, though. She doesn’t judge parents by how much money they make or if they have a picket fence and a jungle gym in the backyard. And over the years, she’s managed to find good social workers to team up with.”
“Social workers suck.”
“Not all of them, buddy.” Gray smiled sympathetically. “You’ll see for yourself when you get to know Adeline. She always puts the children first.” He leaned in and bumped their foreheads together. “She knows how to work the system. Remember I told you about her? She used to hate it like you do, but then she learned all the rules and discovered a ton of loopholes. She and her team of lawyers can drag out a process for years.”
Jayden licked his lips and couldn’t really sit still. He was curious. “What kind of process?”
One case came to mind because Gray had volunteered at the facility at the time. “There was a girl once—about four years old—who was terrified of her mother. The girl stayed at the shelter with an aunt who didn’t have custody, so there wasn’t much she could do when the mother f
ound them. And it took a single visit for Adeline to understand that the girl definitely shouldn’t live with her mother—who was a drug addict. So, she contacted some people to find evidence. Because where you find heavy drugs, you also find that at least one crime has been committed. Well, they found three. The mother was tied up in legal troubles for over a year before she was sentenced to prison on drug charges—she’d been selling stuff.” Part of him couldn’t believe he was telling an eight-year-old this, but on the other hand, Jayden was nothing like his peers. “In the end, the aunt was given enough time. Time to go through the process of gaining custody of the little girl.”
Jayden nodded slowly and slipped a hand underneath his jacket to scratch his shoulder.
“Adeline knows me,” Gray murmured pointedly. “She’ll be on your side. On our side.”
Jayden hummed and rested his side against Gray’s chest. “Jonas liked you, right? He trusted you.”
Gray held his breath, unsure of where this was going. “Yeah? We would take care of the younger guys together.”
Jayden nodded once. “I wanna live with you when your bad dreams are gone.”
Hugging the kid to him tightly, Gray let the determination flow through him, and he stated the honest truth to himself and the voices of doubt that’d taken up residence in his head since last fall.
I won’t quit. I’m making this little punk mine one day.
Admitting it to himself, despite fears and obstacles he had to overcome before any of this was even possible, cemented the future. It was one thing he knew for certain. One thing he could work toward, one thing that shouted louder than the voices that yelled that he was crazy. You? A parent? Come on! He pressed a kiss to the top of Jayden’s head. You’re only twenty-one! What the fuck do you know? You’ve lost it! It would work out.
It would work out.
Twelve
Gray took a deep breath as Darius drove them past a familiar sign that read Welcome to Camassia Cove.
He hadn’t been home in almost six months.
Darius rested his arm along the back of the bench and gave Gray’s neck a gentle squeeze.
Jayden sat between them, curious gaze wandering around them. So far, it was just forest.
Dusk wasn’t the prettiest angle of Camassia, especially when it was raining and the meteorologist on the radio was predicting a week of high thirties and low forties at best.
Emerging from the forest, the first thing they saw was the truck stop where Canadian truckers could be treated to the “best poutine south of the border.” Then more forest, before a cluster of big-box stores opened up the landscape with their massive parking lots. There was Mom’s favorite shoe store, the Target Gray was taking Jayden to tomorrow to pick up some things he needed, an Old Navy, Staples, and all those other usual stores
Darius continued north, past the exit for Cedar Valley where Gray had grown up, then into another patch of forest that made Jayden chuckle. He evidently remembered their conversation about the districts being separated by wilderness.
“City forest,” he laughed.
Gray grinned and ruffled his hair.
They drove past Camas next, which was just south of Downtown.
“My restaurant’s that way.” Darius nodded at the sign for the marina in Downtown. “Gray will have to bring you down for dinner one night soon.”
Jayden nodded and looked up at Gray. “You have to.”
“I promise.” Gray was torn between amusement and nervousness. Ponderosa was next, meaning they were out of time.
Adeline was expecting them. Gray had called her earlier when they’d stopped for lunch.
They went up the mountainside, and while Jayden gazed out of Darius’s window with wide eyes fixed on the view, Gray envisioned the road ahead of them getting shorter and shorter. They passed one lavish architect’s wet dream after another. Eventually, the ground leveled out, and they circled the private high school Gray had attended, the minor league hockey arena he’d thought he’d fallen in love with his coach in, and the lacrosse field. Signs pointed residents to the locations of the private marina, the country club, and a retirement home. Mom and Aiden’s house was to the right. They turned left.
In the end, the signs blurred together, and Gray swallowed his nausea.
Farther up the mountain, the grand homes came few and far between. Gray flicked a glance at the Hayes residence, where he had visited Abel thousands of times over the years. It was a big house, though only Abel’s parents, Adeline and Lincoln, and baby sister still lived there.
“Look how high up we are!” Jayden pointed at the view between the trees.
“You said you like mountains,” Gray murmured with a smile. “Now you’ll live on one.”
Jayden smirked. “Cool. And I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“Absolutely.” It wasn’t the first time Gray had reassured him. It was the only sign indicating Jayden’s own nervousness. He’d been forced to grow up way too young; he’d been taught not to show weakness, but maybe his shell was cracking around Gray and Darius. “I’ll pick you up at ten.”
“Okay, good.” Jayden’s hand twitched next to Gray’s on the seat.
Gray covered the kid’s hand with his own and gave it a squeeze.
Jayden let out a breath.
At the very end of the road, they arrived at a small parking lot. There was a tiny picnic table area too. This was where they did pickups for field trips. Right in front of them loomed a big, white house with high walls surrounding it.
Gray recognized Adeline’s husband’s truck in the lot. Either he was visiting Adeline, which happened, or she’d borrowed his vehicle.
“This better not be a prison,” Jayden muttered. He was eyeing the little box where a guard sat twenty-four seven and manned the gate.
“The opposite.” Gray quirked a faint smile and pulled out his wallet. “The security is to keep the wrong people from getting in. Anyone can get out if they want to.” He handed over his driver’s license to Darius. “I don’t know if Adeline put Jayden on the list, but I’m on it.”
“Got it.” Darius drove forward.
Gray caught something in his periphery, a flash of green, and glanced out his window, only to choke on a breath. “Stop the car,” he coughed. His heart was suddenly pounding. He knew that car, hidden behind Lincoln’s truck. There was probably only one just like it in the whole state. An ancient, metallic-green Beetle, and someone was in it. Mom.
The second Darius stopped, Gray had already unbuckled his seat belt and was on his way out of the car.
He jogged across the lot, the gravel crunching underneath his shoes, and it didn’t take more than a second or two before his mother stepped out from behind the wheel with an apologetic expression.
“Adeline called me.” She rushed out the words as her eyes welled up with tears. “I just wanted to see you, baby. I promise, I wasn’t going to come up to you.”
Jesus Christ. The plea in her voice almost shattered Gray.
“I know you’re not ready,” she choked out.
Gray shook his head and finally reached her, and he threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly.
Mom let out a sob and fell apart in his arms.
The guilt crashed down on Gray, regardless of how much he’d needed this break from everything and everyone.
“I had to see you,” she cried.
Gray sniffled and peered up at the sky, willing his own emotions to stay back, but it was fucking impossible. As the first tears fell down his cheeks, he pressed his lips to the top of her head and squeezed her a little harder.
“I’m sorry for shutting you out.” He sniffled again and did his best to speak past the thickness in his throat. “I should’ve called you more often.”
Mom shook her head quickly. “No. No, I understand you, Gray. I understand. It w-was just so hard.” She let go to wipe her cheeks, and Gray took over. He brushed his thumbs under her eyes, which caused her to get weepy again for some reason. “I mi
ssed you so much.”
He lowered his hands. “I missed you too.”
She sniffled and peered up at him. Really looked at him. “You look good, sweetie.” She touched his stubbly cheek. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” he was quick to say. “It’s a roller coaster. Two steps forward, one step back.”
She nodded and wiped her cheeks again. “Don’t push yourself too hard. You have to let it take time.”
He smiled carefully. “You sound like Darius.”
She exhaled a tearful laugh. “Bless that man. He’s kept me updated with daily reports. He uses very few words, but he gets the message across.” She paused and cleared her throat. “I won’t keep you. I have a million things to say, but we’ll save it. Can—can you come home soon? Let me take care of you for a bit? I won’t crowd you.”
Fuck, how he’d missed her. He smiled and threw a quick glance over his shoulder. Jayden was watching them, his face all but pressed against the window.
“I’m gonna stay with Darius for now,” he admitted, and he went on before Mom’s face could fall. “But I’ll stop by a lot, okay? I wanna get updates on all of you.”
“Okay, fine,” she sighed dramatically. She was too cute, trying to lighten the tension. “Can I tell you one thing?”
He nodded.
The most beautiful smile took over her face. “You became an uncle yesterday.”
Gray’s eyes went wide. “Isla had her baby?”
“Two!” she laughed. “She had twins. Can you believe it? They missed one at her ultrasounds, and then—you remember Jack took her to a doctor in Florida? That was when they learned about the second baby. They kept it from us because of everything we were going through.”
“Holy…” Gray rubbed a hand over his mouth and couldn’t stop the grin. “That’s fucking amazing.”
“A boy and a girl.” She nodded. “They haven’t announced the names yet.”
Gray pinched his lips together, happy for Isla and Jack. “How does it feel to be a grandmother?”
