I had seen enough, so I rolled the elastic back around the stack and returned them to the box.
There was one last item that caught my eye. It was a small black binder and on it were the letters A.R.T. I immediately remembered Cedric’s tattoo which also had those same letters spelled out on top of the cross on his torso. My heart pounded as I slowly unlocked and opened the binder, a decision that would prove fateful.
Three pictures and a dried up pink rose were inside.
As my eyes caught sight of the first image, a sudden wave of nausea and panic overcame me. The room started to spin and my breathing became erratic. I closed my eyes and knelt down, fearing I was about to pass out. With the picture still firmly in my shaking hand, I knelt down on the floor, knowing that if I stood back up, I would surely faint.
On the ground, I dared myself to look at the picture again and squinted my eyes deeply to be sure I was seeing correctly, to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.
And I was: it was a picture of me.
CHAPTER 28
CEDRIC
“Dude…what the fuck?” Caleb said as he entered my condo.
I ran my fingers through my dirty mop of overgrown hair. “Nice to see you, too.”
“What’s with the beard…and when did you start smoking again? This place reeks.” Caleb reached for my face and suddenly smacked my cheek.
I scratched my head and ignored him, groggily walking into the kitchen, as Caleb followed me.
“Do you mind telling me what the fuck is going on with you? Caleb asked as he poured a cup of cold coffee. “Mom says you have dropped off the face of the Earth and that it has something to do with Allison or some other woman or both, but she couldn’t tell me shit.”
“Bro, that coffee is from yesterday,” I said as I took the cup from him and looked around for some filters to make a new pot.
Where the fuck did I put the filters?
“Cedric…seriously, what is going on?” Caleb crossed his arms leaning up against the kitchen counter.
Filters…Filters…Bingo!
“Cedric…put the fucking filters down.”
I looked down at the ground.
“Caleb…I…I’m just fucked up. My life is a fucking mess, so I took my three weeks vacation.”
Caleb walked toward me as he spoke. “You call this a vacation…sitting in your apartment, looking like a fucking Chia pet that smells like an ashtray?”
I laughed…for the first time in weeks.
“Fuckhead…it’s my house…what do you want me to do?”
“Cedric…seriously…I had no idea. No news is usually good news with you. Why didn’t you call me? When was the last time you even spoke to anyone?”
“Mom called me yesterday. She, uh, told me about Denise. I am really sorry, man. I don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
During that call, my mother told me that Denise had been pregnant, but had a miscarriage a few days ago at seven weeks. It was the one thing that made me feel sad for anyone but myself in nearly three months. I felt like an asshole for being so out of touch with my family.
Caleb paused and stared at me. I knew he must be devastated. They had tried to have a baby for so long.
He shook his head. “It’s okay, man. We’ll try again. We won’t give up. She’s taking it hard, but we’ll be okay.”
I sat down. “Caleb…fuck…I’ve been so wrapped up in this shit…I should have called you. God, I am sorry.”
“It’s okay…you clearly aren’t in your right mind.” Caleb looked at the ceiling, and then changed the subject. “So, are there any new developments? To what do we owe this shit show?”
Caleb knew about my last encounter with Allison, the night we broke up at Mom’s house, because I called him after it happened.
That was nearly three months ago.
I had chickened out about telling my mother anything at all because I wasn’t ready, not to mention Allison was still in the house when I left.
I became more and more depressed as the weeks passed. I had disappeared from my own life and chose not to face anything or anyone at all. After a couple of months of attempting to throw myself into work, I was nearing a nervous breakdown and took the time off—all three weeks of my vacation. The agency wasn’t happy, but they couldn’t stop me because I had the vacation time.
Each day has been spent in my condo, listening to music, smoking, drinking and watching suck-ass television.
I had one picture of Allison and me on my phone that we took at her apartment the day we spent together after the first night we made love and I stare at it a lot.
Lack of sleep has been a constant. Thoughts of her keep me up most nights. I wonder about whether anyone has contacted her, what she knows, whether she hates me, whether she is with someone else. I have no interest in meeting other women, because my heart still belongs to her.
Each day, I tell myself that today will be the day that I go to her and tell her my story…her story…the truth…and can never muster up the courage to face her.
“Nothing has changed, Caleb,” I said.
“Why don’t you just go to her and tell her the goddamn truth? What is stopping you now? You have nothing to lose anymore,” he said.
I put my feet up on the kitchen table and threw my head back.
“I…just…can’t bear to tell her I lied to her. She’ll hate me for that. She’ll think that I was a selfish prick who wanted in her pants. And then, the truth will devastate her. I just don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have. At this point, I’d rather it be someone else that tells her everything.”
“You don’t think it would be better coming from you, someone she knows? She’s got to at least know you cared about her. That’s why you lied, to protect her and because you wanted to be with her without judgment. Can’t you explain it to her that way?”
“Man, I run through this everyday in my head. I know that would be the right thing to do…but you’re not understanding…it will kill me to see her…kill me to see her cry again. I’ve hurt her enough.”
Caleb put his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe…but you owe it to her.”
I threw my head into my hands and whispered, “I know…I know.”
***
I knew what I needed to do…but more days passed and I never did any of it.
My “vacation” was almost over and the thought of returning to work and the daily grind was torture. My hair was now three inches longer and my beard was caveman-style. I had become accustomed to this recluse life over the past weeks.
One evening after deciding to take a shower after three days without, as I was wiping myself down, I heard a frantic knock on the door.
My hair…both on my head and my face was still dripping and I grabbed a robe and rushed to see who was knocking.
When I opened the door, Allison was standing there with tears in her eyes, shaking.
My heart raced at the shock of seeing her and my throat seemed to close preventing me from speaking. All I was able to muster was a faint whisper.
“Allison.”
“Cedric?” she whispered through her tears.
I said nothing as I stood in the doorway, then after a few seconds, tried to touch her arm.
My stomach turned as she violently pushed me away and made her way past me into the living room, visibly shaken.
She knew. Fuck me…she knew. But what did she know?
“Allison?” I asked, still not being able to form a coherent sentence.
She looked down at the floor and put her hand in her purse. Her hand was shaking and she pulled out a photo.
Breathing erratically, she said nothing as she stuck her trembling hand out prompting me to take it. Her eyes were bloodshot red, as she stared at me with an expression I had never seen from her.
It was fear.
I slowly walked over to her and took the photo out of her hand and looked at it.
Oh God, no.
“Allison�
�where…where did you get this?” I asked.
She wiped her eyes and looked at me, her voice shaking. “Your mother’s basement. I found it.”
Fuck. I must have had a box down there from when Caleb took my dorm stuff home after I opted to stay in Chicago after graduation.
“What…what do you think this is?” I asked.
Allison looked at me with daggers in her eyes. “What does it look like, Cedric? It’s a fucking picture of me…from years ago. What are you doing with it? Why don’t I remember you? Have you been stalking me? Has everything been a big lie?”
“Has anyone contacted you?” I asked.
She looked confused. “What do you mean?”
“When did you find this photo?”
“Earlier tonight.”
“No one has contacted you before today?”
“No…Cedric…what is this about? How do you know me? What are you hiding? Tell me…now…please!” she yelled.
No one has contacted her.
She knows nothing beyond the photo
It was time.
“God…Allison. God, I am so sorry. I need you to sit down, sweetheart, because I have to explain the picture and I have to explain everything.”
She shook her head repeatedly looking down at the floor. “I don’t want to sit…Cedric, please.”
“Allison, sit down,” I repeated in a serious tone.
She finally listened, sitting down reluctantly on the couch.
I stayed standing, knowing she didn’t want me anywhere near her. That hurt.
“Allison, first…before I tell you…I need you to know that everything and I mean, everything we experienced together was real. Please know that…please.”
She said nothing, just stared at me with her red eyes.
A tear fell down my cheek.
“The second thing is…sweetheart…that’s not you in the picture.”
CHAPTER 29
AMANDA
December 2001
My parents have lied to me for more than half my life.
That’s the thought I haven’t been able to get out of my head.
A week ago, after dinner, they sat me down in the living room and told me some things that I never in my life expected to hear. I always knew I was adopted but never knew the whole story about where I came from. I am so ashamed that my entire life as I knew it, was a lie.
The story I was told as a child was that I was given to my parents on the day I was born because my real mother didn’t want an open adoption and never wanted to even see me. My parents told me they knew nothing about my birth mother nor where I came from. Apparently, they did know something…something important…and they had agreed to tell me everything after I turned eighteen. Why they chose a random night in December, I’ll never understand, since I had turned eighteen in June.
Happy Belated Birthday to Me.
Since last week, I haven’t told anyone about it, not even my boyfriend, even though I plan to tell him when I am ready. It just all hasn’t set in yet.
My parents have given me space over the past week and agreed that I didn’t have to talk about it again or do anything about it, until I was ready.
Tonight…I just want to forget everything and I know just how I am going to do that: I am going to lose my virginity.
Even though I am a freshman at Northwestern, I still live at home, in a nice brick house in Naperville, a suburb of Chicago. It’s a commutable distance to school and more affordable than living at Northwestern. Mostly, my parents didn’t want me living in the dorms, for fear I would go buck wild. I still go to campus parties and sleep over friend’s dorm rooms, but my parents want to maintain some control over me, so they make me live at home.
My boyfriend lives on campus and sometimes I let him into my bedroom window at night after my parents have gone to sleep. Since my room is a converted garage and separate from the rest of the house, they can’t hear anything when he comes over. Tonight’s one of those nights and I am waiting for him to arrive because I want to drown my sorrows in him.
There is one window at the front of my bedroom. Since knocking would wake up my parents, he flashes a light in the window when he gets here. Then, I open it and quietly sneak him in. That was our routine.
When I finally saw the light tonight, I eagerly ran to the window, opening it.
“You’re late, Cedric.”
“I know, baby…sorry, the guys wanted to get beers after class and then we ended up shooting pool,” he said before kissing me hard.
Every time he kissed me, I lost my mind.
My boyfriend is movie star hot with shaggy brown hair, light blue eyes and a sculpted athletic body. He was a popular senior and every girl’s dream and I was only a freshman.
We met at a campus party and I noticed all these sorority girls throwing themselves at him. Who could blame them? Then, he noticed me from across the room, singled me out and we starting talking as if all those other girls evaporated into thin air. There was no one else in the room but us at that point. He made fun of my Chicago accent and I made fun of the way he didn’t pronounce some of his r’s because he’s from Boston. He says things like “Wicked Pisser”, except he’d say it like “Wicked Pissa.” He’s a little rough around the edges which, turns me on. I had never been with a bad boy before. He smokes, drinks, swears, starts fights and seems to adore me. I, on the other hand, am a shy Daddy’s girl, who says Gosh instead of God and well, who’s never had sex. We were opposites…but have been inseparable ever since that first night a few months ago.
Cedric’s been with a lot of girls before me, but he’s been patient. He’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and I think the fact that I didn’t give it up so easily is a bit of a challenge for him. He’s experienced but knows I am still a virgin and hasn’t pressured me to do anything I’m not comfortable with. We’d basically done everything—except that—but tonight that’s going to change.
He just doesn’t know it yet.
Cedric took his shoes off and plopped down on my bed. I could smell cigarettes and beer on him, mixed with his cologne and the combination of all those smells actually turned me on even more.
“What’s with the look?” he said smirking.
“Nothing…I was just thinking about how sexy my man is.” I crawled on top of him and pulled his face toward mine, straddling him as we kissed.
Cedric pulled away and caressed my long dark hair, examining me. “You look different tonight, baby.”
I had made myself up more than usual. I lifted my shirt and exposed a new black lace bra I had bought today from Victoria’s Secret at the mall and said, “I feel different, Cedric.”
His pupils dilated as he took in the sight of the lingerie and peeked into my pants to see I had matching lace underwear.
“What does that mean?” he grinned.
“It means…I want you, Cedric.”
Cedric caressed my face and his eyes widened. “You want me…to...what?”
“Cedric…I want…you.”
“But you have me.” He smiled.
“I know. But …I want…you know…everything.”
He started deeply into my eyes and I felt myself get moist with anticipation.
“Whoa…are you saying what I think you are saying?”
I nodded, still sitting on top of him and could feel his hard-on pressing into me through his jeans. “Yes, Cedric, I am.”
He moved from under me, sitting up. “Wait…are you sure, Amanda? I thought you said just last week that you wanted to wait.”
“Yeah, well a lot can change in a week.” (Don’t I know it.) I pressed my forehead onto his. “I wasn’t…then…but now, I am.”
“What changed?” he asked.
“Nothing changed. I just woke up this morning and realized…I want to fuck my boyfriend. Is that so bad?”
Cedric shook his head and laughed, pulling me into him. “Baby…are you serious? Are you really serious about this?”
I didn’t
answer him. Instead, I pushed him back down onto the bed and took my shirt off, lowering myself onto him.
Cedric cupped my breasts through the lacy bra and plunged his tongue into my mouth while I grinded against him.
“We don’t have to,” he said muffled, his lips still kissing me.
“I’m ready, Cedric…see?” I said as I guided his finger down into my underwear.
Cedric kissed me harder and moaned as he touched me. I moaned back through his kiss at the pleasure of his fingers inside me.
Cedric whispered through our kisses. “Swear on your mother you’re ready.”
I wanted to swear a lot of things on my mother, both of them. He didn’t know the half of it.
“I swear…on my mother,” I said.
With that, Cedric kissed me harder as I unzipped his jeans and pulled them down.
I continued to rub against him with my clothes on, kissing him hard and running my fingers through his hair.
“Amanda…you’re so fucking beautiful. I’ve wanted you for so long…waited so long,” Cedric said as he unsnapped my bra and threw it on the floor.
“Cedric…I’m on the pill,” I said.
“Okay, baby,” he said as he continued to kiss me.
Then, he started to slowly pull my underwear down.
I pulled off his shirt and he slid his boxers off. We were both completely naked. He lifted up from under me and flipped me over so that I was under him.
He stared into my eyes as I rubbed his face and stared back at him.
We stayed like this for a while until Cedric spoke. “Okay?”
I nodded and bit my bottom lip when I felt the tip of his penis enter me, followed by a burning friction. I wanted to cry from the pain at first but Cedric moved into me very slowly. I closed my eyes and told myself to relax, no matter how painful. With each slow thrust, I got more accustomed to the feeling until eventually the pain turned to pleasure.
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