by E. L. Todd
He stared at me, waiting for me to speak. “Get on with it.”
I scratched my head, unsure how to broach the topic. “You know I’m cool with gay people, right…?”
Both of his eyebrows shot up. “I guess…”
“Like, I don’t dislike them, and I think there’s nothing wrong with that lifestyle.”
He stilled, confused. “Okay…” He crossed his arms over his chest while he stared at me.
“And if I had a friend that was gay, I’d be totally fine with it.” I hoped I could coerce him into opening up first instead of me interrogating him. Maybe he thought I didn’t like homosexuality or something.
He stared at me like I’d just grown another head. “Good to know…”
I stared at him, waiting for him to confess. “So…”
He scratched the back of his head in confusion. “Okay…”
“Yeah…”
Now the silence was just awkward. “So… What the hell are we talking about?” he demanded.
I guess he was still going to be defensive. “I had a gay friend in high school, and it was never an issue.”
Slade’s eyes darted back and forth in confusion. He scratched his head and sighed. Then he scratched his head again. Then his eyes widened in realization. His body suddenly relaxed and the brightness was in his eyes. He seemed to piece the puzzle together and now he was going to fess up. “You’re gay?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Shit, you fooled me.”
“What?” I flinched at the suggestion. “No. What? No! I’m not gay!”
Confusion returned. “Then why are we talking about gay people? Was that your way of telling me?”
He really couldn’t figure it out? “No, you’re gay!”
He stepped back like I shot him. “Hell no! I’m not gay!”
“Slade, it’s okay. I don’t care. I think of you exactly the same.”
He cringed. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the hell would you think that?”
“It makes sense. That’s why you won’t tell me who you’re seeing—because you have a boyfriend. You don’t have to hide anymore. I—”
“I’m. Not. Gay.”
“Look, I talked to Conrad and he told me what happened between you and Scott…and how you came on to him.”
His face turned red in anger and he ripped a clump of hair out of his skull. “I wasn’t hitting on him!”
“That’s not what he said…”
“I didn’t!”
“Why are you being so defensive about this?” I demanded. “Nobody cares, Slade. We all love you exactly the same.”
He covered his face and screamed. “Why is this happening to me?”
I stepped closer to him. “You’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Now everything makes sense. The way you go through girls left and right to compensate for your true sexual identity.”
He looked at me like he might kill me. “I go through women left and right because I like pussy. I love pussy. Pussy is…the best thing in the fucking world, okay? I’m not gay, I don’t like dick, I love pussy. Alright? Do I need to scream it so you understand?”
This was going horribly wrong. I just wanted him to open up to me. Somehow, I’d managed to make the situation worse. “Dude, calm down.”
“I will not calm down!” He clenched his hands into fists. “I’m not gay.”
“It’s okay, Slade. You can tell me the truth.”
“Fuck this.” He marched to my front door and opened it. My neighbors were across the way in front of their door, holding groceries. It was a married couple with their five-year-old daughter. Slade didn’t notice them. He gave me one more glare. “I’m not gay! That’s the truth. The only time I like anal is when I’m fucking a girl on my bed while she’s on all fours.” Then he walked off and slammed the door.
Just before the door slammed, the woman dropped her bags to the ground and green apples rolled across the ground. The man’s eyes were wide.
The little girl laughed. “Mommy, what’s anal?”
62
Slade
Trinity couldn’t stop laughing. She fell from the couch onto the floor, clutching her stomach while tears slid down her cheeks. She laughed uncontrollably, taking deep breaths every few seconds, before she started laughing again.
I brooded on the couch. “It’s not funny.”
“You’re right.” She stopped laughing for a second. “It’s hilarious.” Then the laughter came back.
I sighed and rubbed my temple.
She rolled onto her side, clutching her stomach. “I wish I could have seen your face.”
“It looked identical to how it is now,” I said darkly.
She finally recovered from her laughter then sat up, wiping the tears away. “Look on the bright side. At least they have no idea you’re sleeping with me.”
“That is good news,” I said sarcastically.
She crawled to me then leaned against my knee. “You know, if you’d just butted out of my date with Scott, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“But I wasn’t hitting on him,” I argued. “I was just asking questions.”
“A shitload of questions. Honestly, I don’t blame him for thinking that.”
“Shut up, Trinity.”
She rubbed my calf muscle. “Come on, admit it. It’s hilarious.”
“People thinking I’m gay is not hilarious—at all.”
“Well, if you go along with it, no one would ever question us if they saw us out together.”
“Every man’s dream…” I said sarcastically.
She moved to my lap then straddled my hips. “I’m sorry. I’m having too much fun with this.”
My hand automatically gripped her hip without conscious thought. “I just can’t believe Cayson jumped to that conclusion. He’s known me his whole life. Obviously, I’m not gay. I think that’s pretty obvious.”
“Well, think about your behavior for the past six months. All this sneaking around and lying was going to catch up with you at some point.”
“So, what do I do? Fight it or just go along with it?”
She shrugged. “It’s up to you. I just hope it doesn’t get back to your parents.”
I rolled my eyes. “My dad would think it’s hilarious. He would tease me mercilessly for that.”
“If he thought you were gay?” she asked incredulously.
“No, he would tease me because he knows I’m not gay.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “He would know it’s what I deserve for sneaking around and lying to everyone about you.”
She rubbed my shoulders, trying to get me to relax. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I know you aren’t gay.”
“Thanks…”
She giggled then nuzzled my chest. “Do you want me to remind you how straight you are?” A flirtatious look was in her eye.
Trinity gave the best head in the world, and I knew that was what she was hinting at now. I’d never turn it down, no matter how upset I was. “It wouldn’t hurt…” My lips upturned in a smirk even though I tried to fight it.
“Coming right up.” She slid down my waist and to her knees.
Once her lips were sealed around me and my hand was fisted in her hair, I forgot about the horrible day I’d had. She gave me the pleasure I needed, helping me release the stress in my favorite way.
The week was agonizing. Every time I saw anybody, they gave me a knowing look. Conrad was particularly nice to me, clapping my shoulder and complimenting me left and right. He clearly thought I was still in the closet, just like Cayson.
Silke was worse. She came to my apartment then wrapped her arms around me. We hadn’t hugged in years, so it was awkward.
“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. She pulled away, a smile on her face. “I know how hard it is to come out and tell the world. You’re so brave.”
You’ve got to be kidding me. “Silke, I’m not gay.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “It’s not a big deal. The
re’s nothing wrong with you.”
I’d wanted to hit my sister countless times growing up, but I seriously considered doing it now. “Silke, I’m not gay. And you better not say anything to Mom and Dad.”
“I would never tell them,” she argued. “Tell them when you’re ready. You’ve obviously still struggling with it.”
Why is this happening to me?
Roland hunted me down on campus and handed me a book. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think this will help.” It was a book about confessing your homosexuality. Coming Out in a Judgmental World.
Just shoot me.
“Read it. I know it helped a friend of mine.” Roland patted my shoulder and gave me a quick smile. Then he walked away.
I found the nearest garbage can and tossed it.
Trinity thought the entire thing was hilarious. “If you keep rejecting their assumption long enough, they’ll believe you.”
“It doesn’t seem like it,” I said sarcastically.
She rubbed my shoulder. “It’ll end eventually.”
When will that be?
Cayson was the worst. He kept going out of his way to see me. He never broached the subject, but he stuck to me like glue, talking about sports and TV shows. It was like he was trying to prove that nothing between us had changed, that we were still best friends. He was overcompensating, and it was driving me crazy.
When I went to the library one afternoon, a guy I didn’t recognize was sitting at the table. He stared at me with guarded eyes and didn’t look away. I was starting to get uncomfortable.
Cayson and Skye sat across from me, studying my face.
Trinity sat beside me, flipping through a magazine.
Okay…what was going on?
Cayson cleared his throat. “This is my friend Bryan. He offered to meet you and talk to you about his experience coming out to his parents and friends. I think it will help.”
Trinity covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. A slight giggle escaped her lips but only I heard it.
How had my life become this?
“I’m only going to say this one more time. I’m not gay!” My voice was loud, but the surrounding tables were empty.
Cayson turned to Bryan. “He’s still a little defensive about the subject…”
“I’m not gay!” I was about to flip the table over I was so upset.
Bryan nodded while he watched my reaction. “I went through the same thing. I assure you, it’s totally normal. The first year is always hard.”
“I can’t take this anymore.” I stood up and marched out of the library, my arms swinging by my sides like a gorilla. I wanted to punch my fist through a wall. My hands were shaking, and my eyes were about to pop out of my head.
Trinity realized the whole situation really got under my skin, so she stopped teasing me and didn’t mention it when we were together. The only time I felt safe was when I was locked away in her house, watching TV with her while she sat on my lap or when we cuddled in bed together.
When I came over, I used my key to get inside and headed straight to her bedroom. She was sitting at her desk, cutting out something from a magazine.
“Hey, baby.” I leaned down and kissed her before I dropped the bag on her bed.
“Hey.” She put her stuff down then came to my side. “What are you up to?”
I opened one of her drawers and started pulling her clothes out and setting them on the bed. “Putting my stuff away.”
“Um…those are my clothes. What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m tired of going back and forth all the time. If you aren’t going to offer me a drawer then I’m just going to take one.”
“I didn’t think you would want one…” She crossed her arms over her chest while she watched me pack my stuff inside.
“Well, I do.” I closed the drawer when I was finished then put my supplies in the bathroom. I cleaned out a drawer then put my toothbrush, razor, and hair supplies in the drawer before I shut it.
When I came back into her bedroom, I examined her desk. “What were you doing?”
She smiled then held up her sketchbook. “I drew a new gown.” Then she picked up the picture she’d cut out. “I really like the color and the style but it’s just too much. So, it inspired me to make something different.”
I examined the drawing. “It’s nice.”
“Thanks. I’ve been getting my stuff together so I can show Cavos.”
“Is that name supposed to mean something to me?” I asked.
“He’s a famous designer. My dad set up a meeting with him so I could pick his brain.”
I recalled her mentioning that. “That’s awesome. But I’m sure he’ll be learning from you—not the other way around.”
She gave me a sweet smile. “So…how was your day?” She was always hesitant to ask this, knowing I was going through a hard time. Everyone treated me differently. They all claimed they saw me the same, but they were so nice to me that it was driving me crazy. I preferred to be teased and picked on any day. At least that was normal. “It was alright…”
She rubbed my shoulders. “What happened now?”
“Cayson was asking about my boyfriend and said we should go on a double date.”
“Oh no,” she said with a sigh. “Don’t worry, they’ll let it go eventually.”
“I can’t count the number of times I wanted to blurt I’m seeing you. It would make my life easier but also harder at the same time.”
“Yeah.” She cupped my face and gave me a gentle and passionate kiss. “I made dinner—your favorite.”
That put me in a better mood. “Spaghetti with meatballs?”
She nodded.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
Her eyes glowed with emotion while she looked at me. Then she leaned in and kissed me again. “You’re so different than you used to be.”
I noticed it too. Now she and I spent every second together, practically living together. I couldn’t sleep unless I shared my bed with her. When I wasn’t with her, I missed her. Like a spouse, I helped her with the chores and the laundry. We had dinner together every night, and in the evenings, we read under the light of the lamp while we lay in bed. Everything was different. But it wasn’t a bad thing. I was happy, for the first time in my life. “You made me different.” I pulled her close to me then kissed her forehead before I headed to the kitchen.
We sat across from each other while we ate silently. One of the things I cherished most about our relationship was the companionable silence. We could touch each other with just our eyes, and full conversations passed in silence. We didn’t need to fill the void with empty words. Just sitting together, being together, was enough for both of us. Dinner was passed in silence. I looked at her across the table and she looked back at me.
But still nothing was said.
63
Cayson
“Slade still isn’t budging,” I said with a sigh. “I thought he would open up, but he just closes off even more.” I lay in bed while Skye rested her head on my chest. With every breath I took, my chest expanded, moving her head along with it.
“I’ve noticed.” Her fingers moved over the abs of my stomach, and her leg was wrapped around mine.
“I don’t know what to do. Everyone made it clear they don’t care, but he’s still lying.”
“Maybe there’s nothing we can do. We’ll just have to wait.”
I pondered another way to make Slade open up to me. He was my best friend, and the fact that he was determined to shut me out hurt. I’d proven that nothing had changed between us. I still talked to him in the exact same way. I was still by his side until the end of time. The fact that he didn’t trust me as much as I trusted him was painful.
Skye, like always, could read my mind. “I’m sure it’s not personal, Cayson.”
But it felt that way. “What if we ran into him and his boyfriend and acted like everything was normal, made him comfortable? Then he would know he could re
ally show his true colors around us.”
“I think you’re missing the biggest flaw in that plan. We don’t know who his boyfriend is.”
Damn, she was right. “But we could figure it out…”
“How?”
“We could follow him and see where he goes. Then when they go out to dinner or the movies, we could show up.”
Skye stopped moving her hand. “I don’t know how comfortable I feel spying on him like that…”
“It’s not spying,” I argued. “I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I need him to know that he has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s killing me.”
“This must be hard on you…”
“More than you can understand.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to forget the way Slade stabbed me through the heart. Where did it go wrong? Did I make a homosexual joke in the past that made him think I was against gay people? Did I give him a reason not to trust me? He shut me out like a door had been slammed in my face. “I’m going to follow him this weekend. When I meet his boyfriend, I’ll treat him like any other person and Slade will realize he doesn’t need to hide anymore. He can be himself.”
She sighed. “I guess…but I’m not sure how it will work. Slade might just be mad that you followed him.”
“I’ll make it seem like I didn’t follow him. You’re with me on this, right?”
She was quiet for a while. “I would normally say no, but I know how important this is to you…of course I’ll help.”
“Thanks, baby.” Now that I had a plan in mind, I relaxed. I snuggled closer to her under the sheets and felt her warm body next to mine. When I thought about turning down Stanford, I felt like my dream was dying. But when I held Skye like this, close to my chest and directly next to my heart, I realized I’d made the right decision. Life would have no meaning if she weren’t the woman I was sharing my life with.
We parked down the street from his apartment, his car in my view. We left the lights off and I turned the car on every now and then so the heater would run. Skye sipped coffee in the passenger seat, my jacket wrapped around her.
