by E. L. Todd
I felt as if I was in a permanent fog. My mind was always hazy, and I couldn’t think straight. Sometimes my heart beat so slowly I thought it would stop. Never in my life had I known pain like this. It was agonizing.
And when I thought about how much I’d hurt Cayson, I felt worse.
He’d obviously bounced back quicker than I had because he was angry. All I had was self-loathing and pity.
My favorite place in my apartment was the floor. I leaned my head against the ice-cold window, and it helped me clear my thoughts. Trinity was usually with me, but I forgot about her most of the time. Days and hours blended together, so time had no real meaning. I just existed, without a purpose.
“I made soup.” Trinity set it on the table. “You should come eat.”
“Not hungry,” I whispered.
“It’s really good.” She tried to entice me into eating every day.
“You can go, Trinity. You don’t have to stay with me…”
“Girl, I want to stay,” she said firmly. “I’d just wish you would eat.”
“Not hungry,” I repeated.
A loud knock on the door made me flinch. It was aggressive and powerful.
Trinity flinched too.
I didn’t look at the door. I knew it would be my parents or Slade. No one else came to see me. My brother came a few times with snacks, but I didn’t want him to see me like this. I just wanted to suffer in silence and look out the window like a cat.
Trinity answered the door, but she didn’t speak.
I still didn’t turn around to look.
When the door slammed closed, I flinched again. My head snapped up, and I looked to see who was causing such a ruckus in my silent home.
Cayson stood there, looking at me like he might kill me. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes burned in blue fire. His arms were by his sides, but his fists were clenched tightly.
I didn’t know if he was real or not.
Was I dreaming this?
He came closer to me, the anger still on his face. He eyed me like I was a nuisance, someone he despised.
I was actually scared. “Cayson?”
He ground his teeth together, his eyes bulging.
When I searched for Trinity, she was gone.
Whenever Cayson came to me in my dreams, it was always in a romantic way. He moved his fingers through my hair and kissed me gently. Words of comfort and devotion were whispered.
I never dreamed of Cayson like this, angry enough to strangle me.
I held on to the wall then pulled myself up. I was weak and tired. My hair was oily and in disarray. My clothes were baggy and old. I hadn’t washed them in almost a week. My joints hurt from sitting still all day.
When I looked at him, he seemed different. He was more fit and toned. His size was smaller, but he seemed to be in better shape. The veins on his hands and forearms were more prominent. They bulged every time he clenched his hands.
“Cayson?” I repeated. My voice contained my weakness. I still couldn’t believe he was really there.
He came closer to me, his anger rising. “How could you do that to me?” Each word seemed painful for him to speak. His eyes burned then moistened while he looked at me. His body shook like he couldn’t contain everything he was feeling.
Speechless, I stared at him.
He came closer to me. “How. Could. You.”
I trembled under the threat in his eyes. I’d seen him angry before, but it was nothing like this. He was uncontrollable, so upset he could rip me apart, limb-by-limb.
My lips quivered, but no words came out.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through?” His eyes bored into mine, searching my face like he didn’t recognize it.
I crossed my arms over my chest, unsure what else to do.
“Do you?” he yelled. “Do you?”
I stepped back, frightened of Cayson for the first time in my life.
“Let me tell you.” Spit was flying from his mouth because he was so upset. “Every day, it’s been hard to breathe. Every day, it’s been pure agony. When I closed my eyes, I only dreamed of you. But they weren’t the kind that I love. They were nightmares, full of you fucking some other guy.”
I flinched at his profanity.
“And reality was even worse. Do you have any idea how much it hurt to think you were with someone else? That you threw me away for a night of lust? I’ve carried that with me every single day. And now I find out I was put through that hell because you lied about it? It was all for nothing?” He stared at me like he wanted me to argue, to give a rebuttal. “This hurts way more, Skye. A lot more.”
My lips quivered, and tears started to fall.
“You think I feel any sympathy for you after what you did to me? You think sitting in your mansion in solitude makes me pity you? You think I give a damn how you feel? What the hell is wrong with you? How could you lie to me like that? And what’s even worse, you never planned on telling me the truth. You were going to make me believe a lie. You were going to make me regret ever loving you. That’s a betrayal I’ll never forgive you for.”
I stepped back, feeling his blade pierce my stomach. He ripped my insides apart, making me bleed until there was nothing left.
He shook his head while he stared at me. “You have no right to manipulate me like that. I was perfectly fine staying here in New York. What’s the point of me going to Stanford when I’m absolutely miserable anyway? I understand that you’re ambitious and always have been, but a job is just a job. I’ll find something else. I’ll go to a different school. I’ll work somewhere else. But you can’t be replaced.”
I looked at the floor, unable to meet his gaze.
“Look. At. Me.”
Tears dissolved on my tongue, and I tasted them. Then I looked up again.
“There were so many other options, Skye. That never should have been one of them.”
I wiped my tears away and wished they would stop falling.
He breathed hard while he stared at me. Pain and longing were absent. All he felt was anger. He looked at me with disgust, as anger burned in his eyes. “Have you nothing to say?”
I looked away, my gaze focused out the window.
“Do you have any explanation? Do you have any defense? Do you have any justification?”
I closed my eyes for a moment then opened them again. “No.”
He continued to breathe hard while he watched me. “No?”
I cleared my throat so my voice wouldn’t crack. “I was trying to do the right thing…”
“The right thing?” he snapped. “That’s your idea of the right thing? Skye, what the fuck is wrong with you? At what point in time did this idiotic plan sound like a good idea? I can’t believe you lied to me and tricked me like that. I can’t believe you hurt me so bad…”
I tightened my arms around my stomach. “I know… I went back for you a few weeks after you left. But…I was too late.”
For a moment, anger left his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“When I went to your apartment, a girl answered the door—just wearing your t-shirt. She said you were in the shower.”
Confusion came into his eyes.
“I was so hurt that you moved on that I left…” I looked out the window again, unable to meet his gaze.
His voice was devoid of emotion. “I never slept with anyone, Skye. I have a roommate. She belonged to him.”
My eyes turned back to him, and the knots in my chest loosened up slightly. The idea of him touching anyone else made me sick. And the fact that he was still mine made me melt. “Really?”
“I’m hurt you assumed I would do that.” Now he was mad again. “And not that it’s any of your business, but there hasn’t been anyone else since we’ve been apart. I’d ask you the same, but I really don’t want to know.”
That was a slap in the face. “Of course there hasn’t been.”
The answer seemed to satisfy him because his eyes changed. But they returned to a
nger so quickly I wasn’t sure if it happened. “I don’t know you anymore, Skye. I’m not sure what to believe.”
“I’ve been sitting in this same spot…missing you.”
“But not missing me enough to come clean,” he spat.
“I was just trying to put you first,” I argued feebly.
“By destroying me?” he asked incredulously. “Because that’s what you did, Skye. You destroyed me.”
My eyes burned with tears again.
He gripped his skull in frustration then closed his eyes. He didn’t know how to handle the anger or channel it. He was always so calm and collected. I’d never seen him have a meltdown. “I hate you for what you did to me. Do you understand that?”
Those words hurt more than anything else he had said. Cayson was never cruel. But he was being cruel now. “I…”
“You can’t treat me like that,” he hissed. “It was cold. And wrong.”
“I know… I was just trying to do the right thing.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I kept repeating it.
He stared at me, at a loss for words.
“I love you.” I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to fight for him, but I knew it was pointless. I’d hurt him too much. I’d broken him. This was something he wouldn’t let go. He couldn’t sweep it under the rug like all the other times. “I love you so much.”
He stared at the floor and didn’t say it back. He breathed hard, like he was trying to combat the distant pain in his body. Then he stepped back slowly, like he was trying to get away from me.
Then he walked out.
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Forever and Ever Boxed Set Two
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