Ready for disappointment she forced herself to look at the screen. Daniel Fitch. Stood out in bold letters, calling to her. He replied. Her hand shook as she reached out to run her fingers across the mousepad and open the e-mail. Her gaze slid across line after line of his letter.
Moments later her chest tightened with a new fear. Daniel was doubting himself and in a war zone. There was almost no worse thing. He could get himself or his men killed. She didn’t know what caused it, but she could read between the lines of his e-mail to know he was hurting. His e-mail came through several hours before while she was still at school, making it unlikely he’d get her reply right away. Still she clicked reply, bringing up a new screen. Now that she knew he e-mailed Hazel she should text her to tell her to check her e-mail, but the only focus she had was on Daniel. Her words of encouragement might not get to him for days, but she had to try. It was all she could do.
Daniel,
I don’t know what caused the change, but don’t start doubting yourself. You’re strong and capable. You’ve come through multiple deployments unscathed. In war men and women die, sadly that’s part of it. I know it doesn’t take away the pain, but they died for our country. They will never be forgotten.
Thank you for e-mailing Hazel. I’m sure that has taken a weight off her shoulders. This past week she’s been walking around in a haze. I know she’s worried about you so the message will no doubt help her get through the coming weeks.
These recent events you mention that are making you believe you’ve made the right decision, are they what caused you to doubt yourself? I don’t know what happened and trust me I did a search of the media coverage to see if your platoon was mentioned in anything. Sadly for me, there’s no mention. I say for me because I want to know what happened. It might not be something Hazel could handle, but I’ve been there.
There’s so much to what’s happening overseas that isn’t covered in the media. Some of that is good and some of that is negative. Civilians are only getting part of the story. Civilians…that word sticks in my throat as I realize that’s what I am now. I have military contacts still and can get on bases, but the brotherhood developed in combat is gone, especially since my whole squad is dead.
Sorry, this turned back to me and that’s not what this e-mail is about.
You’ve devoted so much of your life to the Marines. I think if you give it a chance you’ll enjoy the life you can have now. There’s a freedom to it that can both be overwhelming and…the best way I can put it is freeing. For me it was scary at first. Some of that was probably because it was forced on me. Though honestly, I was thinking of getting out when my commitment came up. I still had another two years, so after my injury it was a hard pill to swallow.
Unlike me you have family who will be there to help you through this transition. Hazel, I’m sure, will be overwhelming at first but she’s excited to have you back. She’ll cool off, at least for your sake I hope. Besides family there’s a surprisingly large and amazingly supportive veteran community here. If you allow them, they’ll support for you. Also, you should know I’m here in any way I can. You need something, day or night, I’m always here. You’ve come to mean a lot to me since our first e-mail exchange.
I won’t lie, the transition can be rough but it’s worth it. Before long you’ll realize that everything will fall into place. During the transition I kept reminding myself: The future is what you make it, make it a fabulous one.
To answer your question, I love to be outside in my free time. Crazy, huh, since I moved to Montana. I swear it snows here seventy-five percent of the time. I’m not talking about a little snow. Blizzards. This Florida girl didn’t know how to deal with it and I’m still adjusting to it. Hazel laughs at me because the closet in the guest bedroom is my insurance closet. I’m stocked up on everything I need in case I’m snowbound for eternity. Before this past winter I hired another veteran to come in and update the wiring in my cabin, so I could purchase a lay down freezer. I stockpiled so I was ready. Did I mention I love to cook? Can’t say grilling is my forte. Beyond that I’m an excellent chef if I do say so myself. Self-taught too, so you can’t beat that.
Stay strong Daniel and don’t doubt yourself. You’re an amazing Marine and a wonderful leader. You haven’t failed anyone, including yourself. You’ve got this.
If picturing me like that helps you get through the time there, please feel free to create all the fantasies you want. Who knows, maybe it will happen once you’re home.
Love,
Emily
Chapter Thirteen: The Future
The next few weeks passed in a blur. Daniel and his team spent more time out on patrol than they did at camp. Every night by the time they made it back he was too exhausted to even consider stopping by the computer tent. Now with their replacements here, the pressure eased off his squad, allowing him a chance to breathe. His time in Iraq wasn’t over, but it was nearing the end, leaving him both thankful and apprehensive.
So much had happened over the course of the last several days to give him peace of mind about his future. The job offer might have been the best piece, but it was only part of what had him looking forward to the future. The other part was Emily. They had grown closer than he ever expected. Every moment of his downtime his thoughts turned to her. She starred in every dream he had. Most were pleasant. The few that weren’t, she was there to comfort and reassure him. Meeting her was the one thing he was looking forward to most when he returned stateside.
He stared at the blank e-mail screen. Over the last fifteen minutes he wrote and deleted the e-mail three times. For the first time since they’d been corresponding the words didn’t seem to come. The more he tried the more it felt forced, leaving him unsure of himself.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” He shook his head and brought his fingers back to the keyboard. It was time to get the e-mail typed up. Otherwise he was going to continue to overthink it and make himself miserable.
Emily,
This deployment is coming to an end and I can’t thank you enough for getting me through it. As strange as it sounds, I think this was my hardest deployment. I always thought my first tour overseas would hold that spot. You know, being young and unsure. Yet, I know without a doubt this one was more taxing on my soul and my spirit. Your words of encouragement kept me going through the end. I’m going to make it up to you when I come to Blessing.
Speaking of my arrival in Blessing…
In your first letter you asked me what I’m going to do next. I didn’t know. I hated the uncertainty of it and refused to admit I didn’t have a plan. Honestly at that point I didn’t want to think much beyond my visit with Hazel. That was the cut off. After that it became overwhelming.
Then yesterday, I received a job offer. Kind of out of the blue, but an old friend I went to high school with started his own security consulting business a couple years ago. He was a police officer for fifteen years before starting his company. He heard I’d be discharged after this tour—wonder where he heard that from? One guess, Hazel. In the e-mail he sent he laid out the job and the responsibilities. Throughout the night I gave it a lot of thought, so much that I’m not sure I slept. Today I called him. The conversation was brief because of all that’s happening here but I accepted the position.
It’s a management position with some travel, but for the most part I’ll be based in Blessing. This will no doubt send Hazel over the moon when she learns I’m going to end up settling down back there. I signed the contract he sent and wanted you to be the first to know. The official start date is hard to tell right now since I’ve decided to work through my discharge requirements before taking my leave. This way I won’t have to report back to South Carolina. Once I come to Blessing I won’t be leaving. So, we’ll work out the fine details such as the start of employment once I’m back stateside and have a better idea when I’ll be in Montana.
I’ve asked for a week to get settled once I arrive. I thought during that time we could get t
o know each other better. Plus, I need to find a place of my own. I love my sister, but I’ve already put my foot down, I’m not staying with her when I arrive. It’s more than I can handle. Her condo is too small. The “guest bedroom” is actually her everything room. Shelves are lined with school books, there’s her craft area in the corner, and what’s left of her wardrobe that didn’t fit into her walk-in closet. Basically, it’s her second bedroom with a futon for guests. I’d rather stay at a hotel or sleep in my truck than spend one night on that uncomfortable futon. Is it any wonder why she doesn’t get overnight visitors?
Staying at my grandmother’s really isn’t an option either. She’s in Florida for the winter so I could if I really wanted to. She has a room she keeps if I want to visit, but it’s not my space. I need to find a place of my own.
Any plans for Christmas? I’m hoping to be back in Blessing by then. The hope is to be able to put my military career behind me by the end of the year. Though the military works on its own schedule, so we’ll see.
I’m counting down the days until I’m out of this sauna and back home. The first thing I’m going to do it take a long hot shower and then throw a steak on the grill. Damn, I guess that means I have to go to the store.
Daniel
With the e-mail sent he logged off and rose from the chair. With his future more settled he found himself more at ease with his upcoming discharge. The uncertainties of the future didn’t seem to plague him as much as they had. Emily was right, things had a way of working out.
Setting out of the computer tent, he spotted Barrett leaning against one of the outside tables. Was he waiting for me? Daniel shook his head at the crazy thought.
“Gunny.” Barrett called to him.
“Barrett.” He strolled toward him, a smile on his face. “I thought you were in with the others playing those damn video games.” Strolling toward him Daniel shook his head. The other men and women here enjoyed playing whatever game they could get their hands on in their downtime, not him. Video games had never interested him, not even as a child. He’d rather get his hands on one of the few books they had around the base.
“I lost so I had to give my controller to Murry.” Barrett straighten and nodded his head toward the tent behind Daniel. “E-mailing Sergeant Sharp again?”
“I e-mailed Emily to tell her of the job offer in Blessing.” The mention of her rank tightened his chest, reminding him of the secret he still carried.
“Sir, that woman sure has a way of making you smile.” Barrett shot Daniel a grin. “I’ve never seen you like this. I like it. Christopher says she’s a sweet woman. He doesn’t want you breaking her heart.”
“We’re just friends.” He defended, thought he wanted so much more with her.
“Whatever you say.” The cheesy grin Barrett had stretched across his face dropped away as his eyebrows scrunched together. “Have you told her yet? About the mission I mean.”
“I…” Daniel didn’t want to have this conversation. It brought doubts to the surface. The developing relationship between the two of them could be cut off at the knees with this knowledge. Not telling her could have more disastrous outcomes in the future if she learned about it later. He was in a tough situation. Part of him wanted to do it in person but that was just another delay tactic. Would he actually do it then or would he find out she was as amazing in person as in her e-mails and delay it further?
“You’ve got to tell her. She has the right to know,” Barrett reasoned.
“Maybe she doesn’t remember that day,” he mumbled more to himself then to Barrett.
“She hasn’t really talked about it with Christopher, but he’s gathered enough to know she remembers most of it,” Barrett replied, even if Daniel hadn’t actually asked him. “I’m trying to be a friend here so I’m just going to say it. If you don’t tell her soon you’re going to screw this up. Someday she’ll find out and it’s best if it came from you. You obviously care about her, so be straight with her. She deserves that much from you.”
“Are we going to start chatting about our feelings next?” Daniel tried to make light of the situation.
“Well now that you mention it,” Barrett’s lips curled up into a cocky grin. “You could take some advice from me. I mean when was the last time you were in a serious or even halfway serious relationship? You’re about to pick up and move across country to be closer to this woman. It has to be serious.”
“It’s not because of her. Hazel and I grew up in Blessing. She’s all the close family I have left and now the job offer. It makes sense to go back there.” Daniel didn’t like the idea that his men thought he was moving across country for a woman. It wasn’t the truth, at least it wasn’t completely true. Hazel was there. Was that enough to make him settle down back there again? He wasn’t sure. He’d already realized he might not have been so eager to commit himself to the job offer if it hadn’t been to keep him close to Emily.
Maybe I am in over my head.
“Don’t give me that crap.” Barrett shifted his attention to two Marines strolling past before turning back to Daniel. “We both know you took the job to be close to her. At least admit it to yourself even if you won’t admit it to me. Then be upfront with her. She deserves that.”
“You already said that.”
“Yeah man, but were you listening?” Barrett tipped his head toward the computer tent. “If I were you, I’d head back in there and tell her now. We’re shipping home soon. Best to get it done before we head out.”
Daniel stood there watching as Barrett headed toward the barracks and most likely his cot. He might be Barrett’s superior, but they were good friends. Otherwise he wouldn’t still be standing there considering the other man’s words.
“Maybe he’s right.” He slipped his hand into the back pocket of his uniform, his fingers sliding over the envelope that he carried every day since he received it. Handwritten letters are a physical connection between people. They’re hard evidence that there was something between them. That one line stuck with him. They had a connection, more than that, he was falling in love with her, and they’d never been face to face.
Chapter Fourteen: Confession
After more than an hour tossing and turning on his cot, Daniel found himself back in front of the computer. With Barrett’s words plaguing him, sleep wouldn’t come. His thoughts where racing making it nearly impossible for him to think things through. He had to tell Emily the truth. It was the right thing to do. While he hadn’t outright lied to her, he hadn’t been upfront with her either, and she deserved the truth from him. He only hoped that she’d understand why he held out as long as he had.
I might lose the best thing in my life before I’ve even truly experienced it. No, he wouldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let it happen. While he never heard her voice or touched her skin, she had given him reason to smile. Never before had he experienced the kind of connection he had with Emily with anyone else. It might be love but until he arrived in Blessing he couldn’t be sure. Still he wouldn’t allow his neglect to spoil what was blossoming between them.
He’d tell her the truth now and if there was a fallout from it he’d handle it. Somehow, he’d make her see he didn’t mean to hurt her. He’d kept his involvement in her rescue to himself to spare her pain, no other reason.
The e-mail was typed up and ready, but he needed to read over it one last time to ensure it sounded perfect. “Then I’ll send it.” He said the word out loud to commit himself. There was no turning back.
Emily,
It’s the middle of the night for you and I doubt you’ve even read my first e-mail but there’s something I need to tell you. You have come to mean so much to me. More than I could begin to even put into words. You’re the ray of hope that kept me going after I started second guessing myself. You gave me the words that I needed to hear. More than that you gave me hope that this transition will be worth it. Now I’m even looking forward to my life after the military. Something I never thought was p
ossible.
With that said I hope you’ll forgive me. I never wanted to cause you any pain and for that reason I kept this to myself.
When your letter arrived, I recognized your name. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Had I heard your name from Hazel? Was it through our military connection? I knew you never served in my squad or even the same platoon. It wasn’t until Barrett overhead me mumbling to myself. He helped this old man tie the pieces together. He clued me in on who you were, and he’s been busting my chops for not telling you everything. Tonight, I realized he’s right. I should have told you before.
Em, my squad escorted the medics to your location and pulled you out of that building.
I’ve tried to rephrase that statement a hundred times but it’s best to just say it. Maybe I should have told you when I realized the truth, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I considered telling you multiple times since our first communication but with every e-mail it became harder. You mean so much to me and I didn’t want to lose you.
I reasoned with myself that maybe you didn’t even remember how you made it out of there. Why should I bring up the past when it will only bring back awful memories? Your condition was critical, you’d lost so much blood. The medics weren’t sure you’d make it to the rendezvous point let alone the medevac helicopter trip. You were in and out of consciousness.
Now that I write it out, it sounds like those were excuses I used to keep from telling you, but I swear it wasn’t. How do you tell someone something that you know will bring up memories best left forgotten? The time it took us to get to you cost Gavin and some of your team members their lives. If I could do it over again, I don’t know how we could have gotten there any sooner. With the town full of insurgents, we had to have a plan of attack in place. That’s what took the longest. Too long. Maybe if we’d got there ten minutes sooner the young lance corporal who was with you could have survived.
Touch of Home (Blessing Montana Book 2) Page 6
