by Nicky James
“I love you.”
“Let’s hit the road.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Ireland
The steady drone of airplanes taking off and landing had kept me awake all night as they soared over our hotel room on a steady circuit with less than five minutes reprieve between each.
I needed coffee. Badly.
Raven didn’t look much better as he stumbled from the washroom, T-shirt wrinkled from having lived in his suitcase overnight, and jeans faded. Dark circles surrounded his tired eyes. He tugged a hoodie over his head then pulled his long, curly hair off his face, tugging the knots loose with a finger-combing.
“How long is this flight?” he mumbled as he re-packed his toiletries into his suitcase.
“Four hours.”
“I’m sleeping the whole way. I’m so fucking tired.”
I wished I could plan for the same nap, but the more I thought about that crowded airport and the close seating on the plane, the more my hands would sweat.
I’d been doing incredible over the past year. After losing my mom, things had gradually improved. A few minor slips here and there kept me cautious, but overall, I was doing better than I’d done in years.
Until today.
Thoughts of a claustrophobic airplane had the hairs on my arms prickling to attention. Like sardines in a can, squished together, no room to breathe or move. How was I going to get from here to Alberta without losing my shit?
Raven dropped down on the bed beside me. Close, but not touching. He rested his hand palm up on his leg. An invitation for me to grab it, like always. Raven always let me take the lead with contact, regardless of how well I was doing. If he touched me, there were always warning signs so I could prepare.
I linked our hands, threading our fingers and gave him a squeeze.
“You okay?”
“Little anxious. Airports are kinda one of those top places I avoid.”
“I can see that. Do you wanna take something? Just to take the edge off?”
“No.”
Anxiety meds worked to loosen my limbs and dampen the overwhelming stress, but they also tended to make me loopy and sleepy. I didn’t like being out of control.
Raven brought my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “I’ll help when I can. We should get going, or we’ll miss the shuttle to the airport.”
We gathered our luggage and double checked the room before heading to the lobby. It was the middle of the night, and the hotel was quiet except for a few other people waiting to catch a shuttle for early flights as well.
There were all kinds of hotels nearby which serviced the airport, so I was surprised to see a familiar face coming off the elevator as Raven and I hugged a wall by the front doors.
Familiar and equally tired.
Grayson was his name if memory served. He was our newest member in group therapy sessions. He’d only decided to start attending after Christmas, so we’d only met a handful of times. His phobia was as unique and individual as the rest of us.
The man with him let out a jaw-cracking yawn which made Grayson smile and nudge his side.
“Way too fucking early,” the guy said as they joined the small crowd waiting for the shuttle.
Grayson glanced around and flinched when his gaze caught on me.
“Hey.” He smiled and tipped his chin in greeting. “Fancy seeing you here.”
I chuckled and straightened. “Yeah, I won’t be surprised if we run into the whole group on the same plane.”
Raven straightened beside me, so I nodded at him and then to Grayson. “Gray, this is my fiancé, Raven. Raven, this is Gray, from group.”
Raven offered his hand, and they shook.
“This cranky shit over here is Beck,” Grayson said.
“It’s the middle of the night. What else am I supposed to be?”
We all laughed. “Beck, this is Ireland from our group,” Grayson added.
Beck held out his hand, and I hesitated. Grayson’s eyes flickered with realization, but before he could say anything, I held my breath and clasped hands with Beck, shaking it. “Nice to meet you.”
I didn’t linger and retracted my hand lightning fast. Beck didn’t seem to notice and shook Raven’s hand next.
“So, you all ready for this?” I asked Grayson.
He shrugged and blew out a breath. “I guess so. Ask me again when the room is full of doctors from across the country and they’re all staring at me like I’m a freak.”
Beck wrapped his arm around Gray’s neck and gave him a side hug nearly knocking him off balance. “Stop. You’ll do fine, and you’re not a freak.”
Before we could chat too much longer, the shuttle bus pulled up, and everyone gathered their luggage for our trip to the airport.
Because I wasn’t interested in being shoved around or squished into the crowd, Raven and I hung back and let everyone else get situated first.
I noticed Raven staring after Gray—specifically at his prosthesis—but then he caught himself and rubbed the scruff on his chin looking sheepish.
“He lost it recently,” I said, referring to Gray’s missing leg. “You’ll hear about it at the conference. I think he’s planning to include it in his portion. Accident last spring. Resulted in his phobia among various other problems.”
“What’s his phobia?”
“Time.”
Raven’s head whipped in my direction, eyes wide. “Time?”
“Yup.”
“Wow. That’s… rough.”
“Believe it.”
Once everyone had found a spot on the shuttle bus, Raven and I handed off our luggage to the driver and found seats near the front. Raven gave me the one on the end and sat between me and another guy.
As we traveled the mile and a half to the airport, I counted each and every breath I took, listening to the air drag in and out of my lungs. My pulsed thrummed. Raven’s shoulder sat nestled against mine—which I could handle—but it was the presence of so many other people jammed together in a small space that made me uneasy.
The plane ride was going to kill me.
I closed my eyes and pushed those thoughts away.
There was a reason I never traveled.
We unloaded first, and I stood back, allowing Raven to grab our bags. Then, we were on our way, following the crowd toward ticketing. Gray and his partner Beck lingered not too far behind us, but since we didn’t know them all that well, and my anxiety was sitting right on the edge, we didn’t engage in more conversation.
Raven checked our bags, and we made our way to the security checkpoint where my feet decided to stop working.
The line was long. The people clumped together, waiting for their turns.
Using as many practiced methods to calm myself as possible, I reined in the worst of my anxiety, reminding myself how well I’d been doing.
“How can I help?” Raven asked, lingering close to my side, his voice low and full of concern.
I’d considered options before we left and turned to face him. “Hope you’re okay with a bit of public affection because you, I can handle, that,” I waved at the countless people in line, “I can’t.”
Raven lifted his hand, giving me all kinds of time to notice and be warned of his incoming affection before dragging his knuckles down my cheek. “You know I’m on board. Whatever you need.”
“Shield me?”
A tiny groove appeared between his brows. “Meaning?”
“Stand at my back, encase me in your arms. That takes care of three sides, and I can keep my eyes forward instead of frantically whipping my head around, looking for possible crowding.”
“Done.”
Yes, I could touch people now. Yes, I could handle others touching me—to a point—within reason and with lots and lots of warning. I wasn’t sure a day would ever come where I’d be fully capable like the rest of society. I’d made peace with that and developed new coping mechanisms every day.
The airport was about to challeng
e me.
With our hands free of luggage, Raven slinked in behind me, his warm breath ghosting my nape before his soft, gentle words followed. “Incoming.”
Touch from behind was hard. I couldn’t anticipate something I couldn’t see, and Raven knew that.
I nodded, and Raven wrapped his arms around me, his front rested against my back, and his chin sat on my shoulder. He pecked a kiss on my cheek which made me smile. “I like this,” he whispered against my ear. “The human shield.”
I chuckled and hooked our arms together over my abdomen. With a deep breath, I gave a clipped nod.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with.”
We earned ourselves a few funny looks. The intimacy was too much for some people—which worked to our advantage when they gave us a wider berth. Other people smiled at our closeness. A group of teenage girls giggled and pointed. I didn’t care about any of it. I was so beyond giving a shit about my sexuality and how it impacted the masses. When I dated women, no one blinked. Date a man, and all of a sudden it was like I grew another head.
My anxiety decreased by half being in Raven’s arms, and that was what was important. Raven helped monitor our space as much as I did, and together we made it through to the front of the line.
The inspection was luckily hands-off and solely a walk through a scanner. Being called aside for a pat-down would have been tough.
Once free of the first challenge, Raven offered his hand, and we wandered toward our gate at the far side of the terminal. We had just over an hour until boarding, so we popped into a small café for a couple of coffees to combat the early hour.
At gate D21, the chairs were filling up fast. I scanned, looking for two empty seats near an end so I could guarantee no one would corner me in. I chuckled when my gaze landed on several people from our group therapy sessions. They’d all gathered together in one area and were chatting with each other. Erin would have loved to see that. It was the purpose of group therapy: to bring a group of strangers together who all shared similar struggles so they felt less alone and developed new support systems.
I gave Raven’s hand a squeeze and angled my head toward the group. “That’s some of the gang we’ll be with in Alberta.”
“Oh yeah? Should we join them?”
Considering they all knew my personal challenges, I knew I wouldn’t get funny looks from that lot, so I nodded, heading their way.
Iggy saw me first and his face split into a warm smile. He was a paramedic I saw often at the hospital, and we’d become friends in recent months since his boyfriend started seeing Erin. He waved me over, and I dragged Raven with me.
As we joined the crowd, others turned their heads and greeted us. So I made quick introductions, waving a hand at the people I knew.
“Hey, all. This is Raven, my fiancé. Raven this is Iggy, his boyfriend, Arden, Anastasia, Pauline, Dalton, Finn, and… I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”
“Aven,” Aven said, offering his hand to Raven. “Finn’s husband.”
Raven and Aven shook before Aven thrust his hand out to me. “You must be Ireland?”
“That’s me.” I did the whole pause, breathe, then react business that went into each handshake. “Nice to meet you. I hear you’re expecting any day.”
“Any day. Just hanging by the phone waiting for the call.
“Which will probably come while we are two thousand miles away,” Finn interjected, sounding sore.
Aven sat back down beside Finn and wrapped an arm around him.
“Best. Vacation. Ever!” came a squeal from behind me.
I closed my eyes and dropped my chin to my chest, unable to contain my chuckle as I said to Raven, “Tell me that’s not who I think it is.”
Raven spun to look just as the voice exclaimed, “Yoo hoo! Ireland, guess who’s coming to Alberta with you?”
I didn’t have to turn around because the man belonging to the voice popped up in front of me, batting long lashes and scanning me with fire and flair.
“Hello, Krew. How… why?” I turned to Raven. “Seriously, why?”
Raven pinched his lips together to hide his smile.
“Because I just so happen to have a sudden case of balloonimalphobia come over me last night. That’s a fear of balloon animals. I made it up. Anyhow, I thought I should come aboard.” He stood at attention and saluted with a seductive wink. “Reporting for duty, my sexy Adonis god friend. Need a roomie? A third?” He waggled his eyebrows at Raven. “I volunteer.”
All I could do was stare. Stunned, yet not surprised. Krew was hands down Dewhurst’s most flamboyant and unapologetic flirt. A man who’d made it his mission to seduce me—despite both of us being attached. It wasn’t even the first time he’d offered a threesome. I knew it was in fun, but some days, I wished I could turn him down a few notches.
Rory, another group therapy patient and Erin’s sidekick psychology student’s boyfriend bumped my shoulder as he pushed around me, making me suck in a surprised breath at the contact. All my muscles turned rigid.
Rory growled as he hooked his arm around Krew’s neck, dragging him away, muttering, “It’s way too fucking early in the morning for you. Leave the guy alone for once. Where’s Max? You should not be left unsupervised.”
Rory, thankfully, dragged Krew away while he whined, “Max is getting coffee. I’m just being friendly. Ireland loves me. Tell him, Ireland. Oh, hi, Raven. Didn’t see you there.”
“Hi, Krew.” Raven smirked and gave him a wave before indicating to a few empty seats. “Come on. Sit before you get plowed down.”
I sat. Gratefully. The spot was beside a window looking out over the runways, and Raven took the spot on the other side of me, protecting me yet again.
Taking a few deep breaths, I scanned our group. Krew was bouncing person to person making introductions while Rory begrudgingly followed looking miserable. Adrian had a folder in his hand as he frowned at the pages he was reading within. His glasses kept slipping down his nose, and he kept pushing them up again.
Arden was in a deep, giggling conversation with Anastasia while Iggy looked on, a loving, beaming grin on his face. Arden and Anastasia had grown close in group. They were close in age and had built a friendship.
Finn wrung his hands while Aven rubbed his back. Gray and Beck chatted quietly with their heads together a few seats over, both clutching coffees, looking like they were trying to disappear from Krew’s rambunctious energy.
Not everyone from group was present, but it was a big chunk of us. The rest of the gang could be taking later flights. I didn’t know for sure.
As the minutes ticked by, I started fidgeting more and more.
“Do you want to wait and get on last, or try and sneak to the front of the line and squeeze on first?” Raven asked.
I stared at the closed doors which would lead to our plane, debating which option would be better. We’d secured a window seat for me, and Raven was on my other side, so the biggest challenge would be getting to my seat.
Planes were squishy and cramped. The aisles were narrow, and people tended to push and shove their way on.
“Maybe wait until everyone is on.”
“Okay. You go in front of me, and you can keep as much distance from the person in front of you as you want. I’ll be at your back.”
“Thank you.”
I took his hand and clung. Closing my eyes, I worked through a few calming exercises. Erin and I had gone over this scenario a hundred times. We’d planned and talked about everything so I wouldn’t be surprised.
I could do this.
One step at a time.
CHAPTER FIVE
Arden
I leaned over Anastasia’s shoulder as she maneuvered through her phone game, aiming our little detective man in the right direction. Together we’d been working through a whodunnit, mystery-type scenario game to figure out who the killer was by picking up clues and clearing each room in the game’s mansion.
We shared silent communication
through hand gestures, pointing, head nods and shakes, and swatting at each other playfully while we giggled. When the urge to pass dialogue became pressing to the game, we texted back and forth, despite sitting side by side.
Anastasia wore noise-canceling headphones in the bustling airport due to her extreme phobia of loud noises. The commotion surrounding us was too much for her to bear at this stage. Even with something to block the noise, her gaze skittered about nervously as though anticipating an assault to her ears at any moment. She was hyper-sensitive to anything louder than a typical gentle speaking tone.
We’d become close friends after I’d met her in group a few months back, and we texted non-stop. She’d even come over to Iggy’s and my apartment a few times. She didn’t have a huge support system outside of group, so my friendship had made a big difference in her life.
She was traveling alone to Alberta, so Iggy and I had invited her to tag along with us for meals and such so she’d have company.
She was funny, thoughtful, and really smart. In some ways, she reminded me of my sister, Bryn.
“Hey,” Iggy whispered in my ear. He brushed a feather-light touch up and down my arm as he kissed my cheek. “I’m gonna go chat with Ireland. He seems to be having a rough go. Be back, okay?”
I leaned back against Iggy and tipped my head up for an upside down kiss. Grinning down at me, Iggy graced me with one of his heart-melting smiles. One of the ones I treasured and adored. It creased the skin beside his amber eyes and made grooves beside his mouth. I didn’t return it—not in public—but I made my eyes smile instead, blinking slowly to express my love for him.
He didn’t coax smiles out of me any longer. When we were alone, I gave them freely—even when that self-conscious, nagging voice shied away, reminding me of that stupid imperfection left over from my near death from botulism.
I watched as Iggy approached Ireland and squatted a few feet away, leaning against the large window overlooking the runways. They’d developed a more solid friendship over the past few months as well. Ever since Ireland had helped Iggy out when I’d been hospitalized.
