by Nicky James
Seriously? Why was Krew here? Who invited him?
“So, that was awkward as all fuck,” Beck said.
“You’re telling me.” I dashed a glance at Beck, my cheeks warming. “In my defense, I told you about Krew. That’s not a surprise for you. Not that it makes it any less invasive and embarrassing.”
Beck chuckled and linked our fingers under the table. “Nah, it’s all good. He’s right. I’m a very lucky man.” Then he mouthed the word, “Anaconda,” and I nearly choked on my spit.
“Asshole.”
I shoved him so he nearly fell off his chair as we both laughed. The room continued to fill around us.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Rory
I watched Adrian buzz around like a little busy bee getting everyone their name tags and giving them the lowdown on the conference’s setup for the day. My instinct was to follow him everywhere, but he didn’t need a shadow.
Krew mingled without me, Max attached to his hip, so I stood off to the side acutely aware of just how much space I was taking up. My arms itched under the fancy dress shirt Adrian had insisted I wear. Instinct wanted me to reach for my hood and draw it up so I could block out the commotion, the overwhelming sense of foreboding, and the threat that was all in my head, but it wasn’t there.
I squeezed my sunglasses in my hand, repressing the urge to put them on, knowing I didn’t logically need them. I carried them like a security blanket, letting their weight in my palm ground me.
It was bright in the conference room. Too bright. Bugs crawled under my skin, and my saliva dried up. I counted down the minutes until this was all over.
“How are you doing?” said a familiar voice coming up behind me.
I glanced over at Dr. Kelby and forced a smile to my face. It didn’t fool her.
“Overwhelmed?” she asked.
“Little.”
“You made it here. That’s a feat you should be proud of.”
“That’s what Adrian keeps telling me.”
“How about you come join everyone. I’m going to go over the list of the presentation order.”
Kill me now.
“Yeah, sure.”
She wandered to another grouping of people to tell them the same thing. Krew flashed me a smile from across the room and mouthed something I couldn’t make out. I shook my head, and he rolled his eyes, mouthing whatever it was again.
Idiot.
I wondered if I had time to skip out for a smoke before this all began.
I found a seat at our large table beside Roger, a man who sat anxiously, wheelchair-free for the first time in all the times we’d met. Roger had an overwhelming fear of standing up. I couldn’t even begin to process that.
He’d walked into the room earlier on two wobbly legs, terror in his eyes all to prove he was making strides forward.
I wasn’t the only one pushed to my limits over this damn conference. We were all suffering a bit in our own way. Take us out of our comfort zones and we all cracked along our recently healed seams.
“Hey,” I mumbled to be friendly because Adrian told me earlier I should try.
“Hello, Rory.”
The way Roger twisted his fingers together and dug at the skin around his nails made me wonder how he’d ever manage to get one foot in front of the other to walk to the podium later.
Not my problem.
Krew skipped up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “How ya doin’, sugar?”
“Terrible. I’m gonna try to slip out in a second for a smoke. Join me?”
“Sure, love.”
He kissed my cheek, and I jerked my head away, wiping the wet mark he left behind before shoving his face. He laughed and strolled away on Max’s arm toward a different table looking like a smug little asshole.
The other people gathered at our table and Adrian stood at Dr. Kelby’s left as they both scanned some list.
“Okay,” Dr. Kelby began. “Here is the layout for everyone. Names were drawn at random. Remember, you don’t need to delve into everything if you don’t want to, nor do you have to answer questions you aren’t comfortable with. I’ll be up first with Dr. Mann so we can explain our research. Mr. Anderson will take over from there, moving us into the individual presentations. Here’s the order. Shay-Lynn, Rory…”
Fuck me!
“…Brenda, Grayson, Anastasia, Pauline, Finnley, Roger, Ireland, Elodie, Dalton, Gene, Lane, Austen, Arden, then Mia.”
Dr. Kelby placed the list in the center of the table. “We have about fifteen minutes before they are closing the doors. Take a minute to relax, breathe, come to me or Mr. Anderson if you need anything.”
The minute she finished speaking and turned to Adrian, I spun in my chair searching for Krew. He and Max were sitting together at a small table near the doors. He nodded, and I sprung from my chair. Adrian caught my eye, so I motioned I was skipping out for a smoke, and he nodded, giving me a gentle smile.
I knew he hated my habit. I’d told him I was quitting, and I meant to. I would. When all this died down, I’d quit again.
I walked fast to the exit, one goal in mind. Krew kissed Max’s cheek and met me at the doors.
“I overheard. Almost first. That sucks.”
“Thanks, didn’t notice. Fuck you very much. Let’s go.”
We took the elevator down to the parking garage and claimed our same alcove as before. Krew frowned at his phone as his thumbs flew over the keyboard, texting. I lit a smoke and inhaled while I closed my eyes and leaned heavily against the cold concrete wall. I took a minute to feel the smoke soak into my lungs and slide through my veins before I exhaled, seeking that sense of peace and calm. It was like a blanket, draped over my worries and dampening their intensity.
“Who knew you cleaned up so nice,” Krew said, scanning my outfit. “Where did you get the shirt? Boots ‘n Saddles?”
“We're not having this conversation.”
“Adrian dressed you, didn’t he?”
“Krew,” I warned.
“His adorable nerdy edge has leaked onto you. Plaid? Rory, please. It makes me want to throw on a cowboy hat, saddle you up, and ride you while I scream yee-haw! We do not live in a hick town, girlfriend. I’m begging you, let me school your man in fashion. One shopping trip. That’s all I ask. I swear you will thank me. Adrian has the cutest ass, and he hides it wearing all those casual trousers, and don’t get me started on the sweater vests. Plus, this country boy thing you have going on… it’s gonna get you beat up.”
Before I could chew his head off, his phone pinged again, and he growled.
“For fuck’s sake!” He tore it from his pocket and frowned at the screen. “I had no idea Rigger was this needy until I left the province. No!” he snipped at his phone. “You will wait for an answer!” Then he tucked it away again without actually responding.
“So can I?” he asked.
“Can you what? Stop checking out my boyfriend’s ass? Yes, that would be nice because if I hear you say that shit again, it will be you getting an ass kicking. And his sweater vests are cute.”
“Pff.” Krew waved a hand and laughed. “Please, you don’t scare me, teddy bear. I was talking about this serious insult to gays everywhere that you have going on. You know it too.” He circled a finger around, encompassing my entire outfit.
“Krew, please shut up right now. My head is going to explode because I have to talk in front of about fifty or more doctors in less than twenty minutes. Clothing and fashion are the furthest things from my concern. I need to enjoy this smoke in peace before I decide to commit mass genocide.”
“Now that I can see. Leather, guns, and a homicidal rage suits you. Not plaid cowboy shit. Add in a motorcycle and we no longer have a problem.”
I took a drag off my smoke and ignored him much to his displeasure. He pulled his phone out instead, deciding to answer Rigger’s text since I refused to entertain his disturbing images.
Once I was finished, we wandered back to the conferen
ce room just in time for everyone to settle around their tables. I slid onto the chair beside Adrian and found his hand, needing the support. He squeezed reassuringly and bumped our shoulders together.
“You okay?” he whispered by my ear.
“I’ll survive. You?”
“Nervous, but I’ll survive too.”
Dr. Kelby and Dr. Mann met at the podium and the room hushed.
A muffled, crackling noise radiated through the speaker system as Dr. Kelby adjusted the microphone toward her.
“Good afternoon. I’m happy to see such a big crowd today. It speaks of our desire as professionals to expand our knowledge. I’m Dr. Erin Kelby, practicing psychiatrist in Dewhurst Point, Ontario with a specialty in anxiety disorders, focusing primarily on phobias. I’ve spent the past several years studying some of the most severe and life crippling phobias ever recorded. I’ve consulted with professionals in my field globally, met and spoken with patients from Canada to the United States, from Australia to the United Kingdom, Germany, Iceland, China, Africa, and several places across South America. I’ve heard stories you can only imagine and witnessed struggles you never want to experience.
“Over the course of this weekend, my goal is to paint a meticulous picture of some of the most severe cases I’ve seen. We will dig into the root causes, look at how the brain responds, and explore the methods of treatments that have failed and the ones that have succeeded. Also, we will discuss the humanity behind what we face as professionals in our daily lives. The people we see in our offices on a daily basis are more than just patients in a folder on our computer. They are human beings whose lives have been altered in ways you can’t imagine. People who are looking for ways to cope with their disorder and ways they can re-achieve a sense of balance in their lives. We are going to talk about the concept of ‘normal,’ evaluate new and innovative practices we can use to help our patients, and take a look at some of the more technical discoveries we’ve found in helping to rewire the brain through cognitive therapies and medication.
“Today, we will talk with real people. Listen to real stories. Hear about real struggles. And do our best to put ourselves in their shoes so as we move through this two-day conference we can sympathize with the reality of what we are facing as professionals. I’ve brought an army of some of the bravest people I’ve ever met. But before we move forward, let me introduce my friend and colleague, Dr. Andrew Mann.”
The other doctor who I didn’t know shifted the microphone closer to his side of the podium, and I dropped my gaze to my sunglasses as I twisted and turned them in my sweaty hands. My heart jackrabbited enough my ribs ached. This whole thing didn’t sound nearly as scary at the time when I’d agreed to it.
The reality was daunting.
Dr. Mann made his introduction, ran through his endless credentials, and highlighted his current work which reflected and complimented Dr. Kelby’s. He’d also invited a handful of patients to speak, but apparently, they were scheduled for the following day’s assembly.
Once he finished speaking, Adrian shifted in his chair and gripped his notepad hard enough the papers crinkled under his fingers. It was almost his turn.
“Before we introduce some of Dr. Kelby’s patients, I’d like to invite her colleague and student assistant, Adrian Anderson up front to give us an understanding of the development and root cause of phobias. Mr. Anderson.”
Dr. Mann nodded toward our table, and Adrian let out a shaky breath as he stood. Dr. Mann and Dr. Kelby cleared the podium and Adrian took his place. My anxiety faded into the background as I watched him with steady eyes, trying to impart a sense of calm into him. I knew he was nervous.
“Good afternoon. Like Dr. Mann said, my name is Adrian Anderson. I am currently taking my master’s degree in psychology and have been working directly with Dr. Kelby for over a year, aiding with her research and learning alongside one of our field’s best doctors. Being part of this conference and the research that has gone with it over the past year has been eye opening and incredibly fascinating.
“Before we meet the individuals who’ve been invited here today, I’d like to talk about the development of anxiety disorders as they relate to phobias.”
He went on to explain about the factors that could play roles in developing phobias including traumatic events, learned responses to things or events that could be picked up in childhood, even the suggestion that a person could be predisposed to certain anxiety disorders due to genetic factors. There was a lot of tech-talk I’d heard Adrian spew as he’d practiced, but mostly it meant little to me.
I knew where mine had come from. I knew and understood the therapy Dr. Kelby was helping me work through, so the rest was over my head or not interesting.
Before I knew it, Adrian was sitting beside me again, and Shay-Lynn from group was up introducing herself. My stomach did a complete summersault, and bile climbed my gorge. Fuck me, I didn’t want to throw up while all these people stared at me.
I swallowed continuously while Shay talked. None of what she said broke through the haze surrounding my head. It was like being underwater, and all I could hear was the steadily increasing thud of my own heart.
It was the burst of applause that cut through it all eventually. Shay-Lynn was finished. I darted my gaze all around the room, knowing I was next.
Adrian stood and joined Shay up front. He was in charge of the short question and answer period that followed each person’s presentation. We’d been told they were limiting it to only a few and Adrian was there as support should we not know how to answer or chose not to.
Shay took her seat after two simple questions, and Adrian’s deep brown eyes locked on mine.
“Next, I’d like to introduce Rory Gallagher.”
I couldn’t let go of my sunglasses, so I took them with me. They were going to end up broken if I didn’t release some tension in my fist. Walking up front was like walking the corridors of a dream. It was as though I was floating. My ears felt like they’d been stuffed with cotton.
Adrian gave my arm a squeeze as he fixed the microphone in my direction.
Then he was gone. Back to his seat.
Fuck, fuck, fuck…
I peered around the sea of bodies all crammed into the conference room. It looked bigger than it had earlier. Filled to capacity. No one moved. Every set of eyes were glued to me. Then, someone spoke. In the distance, I heard, “Hello, my name is Rory Gallagher, and I have heliophobia.”
I blinked and blinked again. That was my voice. I said that.
Everything raced back to me, and I found myself telling everything I’d rehearsed. It was kind of like having an out of body experience.
“Seven years ago, a college prank landed me in the hospital with third-degree sunburns covering over half my back and second-degree sunburns down both my legs. I spent weeks in the hospital and required skin grafting to help me heal. I fought infection and pain like you can’t even imagine. From that point on, my life was never the same.”
I talked about my steady decline into a world living in the dark. Briefly, I outlined my panic attacks. I told about the reactions I’d get from outsiders, and the daily struggles I’d faced for many, many years. Then, I talked about my road to healing. My re-immersion into a lit world.
“I’ve been working with Dr. Kelby for over a year. Artificial light is no longer a complete barrier for me, although, some days, it still causes me to be uncomfortable. I’ve seen the sunrise on a handful of occasions over the past year, but nothing more until I came here for this conference. Leaving the airport in the middle of the morning, in full daylight was not easy, but I did it.”
A wave of clapping erupted after I said that but it calmed quickly. My head went blank and I searched to see if there was more I was supposed to say.
Adrian appeared beside me. He recognized my speech and knew I’d run out of things to talk about.
“Thank you, Rory. You are brave to be here, and I know I speak for everyone present when I say thank y
ou for telling your story. I’d like to open the floor for a few questions.”
The questions were easy and not invasive, and in no time, Adrian squeezed my arm and nodded that I could take my seat.
I breathed the first full breath I’d taken in probably a week and collapsed in my chair.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Krew
The conference was dull. Watching paint dry would have been more exciting. Why wasn’t I shopping? What had possessed me to choose this instead? I squirmed in my seat enough, Max’s hand permanently rested on my thigh to keep me in place. Of course, he was enthralled and listening to everything that was being said like all the technical mumble jumble made sense.
Knowing Max, it probably did. He was smart like that.
I was glad we were at the back of the room, tucked away in a little corner where no one could see me playing on my phone under the table’s edge. Rigger hadn’t let up. He was having some kind of crisis and losing his mind, blowing up my phone with his whiny pleas for help.
Rigger was great at his job, the best—probably because it involved being a flirt and got him laid at least once a week. But ask the man to handle life and be an adult, and he became ten Lindsay Lohans rolled into one.
Seriously, we were talking epic temper tantrums over the stupidest things.
The guy had no money sense, no forward thinking, and zero decision-making skills outside of whose dick he wanted fucking him on any given night. Even then, he often asked my opinion.
Train-fucking-wreck!
My phone vibrated again as Mr. Well-hung Grayson took to the podium. It was hard to look at him and not remember what he concealed in his pants. I flicked my gaze to Max to see if he’d read my thoughts—because he had weird voodoo skills like that and had already given me crap about my “Gray’s Anatomy” obsession.
I snorted at my unintentional joke a little too loudly.
That got me The Look, and Max’s hand tightened on my thigh.
I sneered back which did absolutely nothing but make him smile wickedly in return. He’d better be planning to make good on all those non-threatening silent promises he kept making at my bad behavior. I’d hold him to it.
