by Sean Covey
Your mind truly is a phenomenal thing. Don’t waste it. Educate it. After all, what you do with that mass of gray material between your ears is one of the 6 most important decisions you’ll ever make. I hope you’ll choose the high road by staying in school, giving it your best effort (even when you don’t feel like it), and preparing yourself for college and a great career centered on what you were born to do. If you’ve been trudging around on the lower road for years, take a detour to the higher road today. Sure, you may have some catching up to do, but better late than never.
Alicia from Allen East High School put it this way: “Your education is like the safety net at the circus. Even if you fall in the middle of a stunt, it will be there to catch you.” I couldn’t agree more. With an education, you can lose your job and guess what? You’ll find a new one. Job security doesn’t mean having a stable job. Job security means having the ability to get a good job, anytime, anywhere, because you’re employable, you know how to add value, and, as Napoleon Dynamite put it, you have “great skills.”
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Do you have to deal with mean girls and bullies? Don’t we all? Up ahead, see how others survived.
A Word About Baby Steps
At the end of each chapter, I’ve included a list of 10 Baby Steps. Baby Steps are small, easy steps that you can do immediately to help you apply what you just read. Try them all, or just pick the ones that interest you. If you want to learn more about the origin of Baby Steps, check out the movie What About Bob?, starring Bill Murray. It’s a riot!
1. If you’re planning on dropping out of high school, prepare yourself for the future by repeating aloud each day: “I’m looking forward to low-paying jobs for the rest of my life.”
2. List three benefits of finishing high school and going to college.
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3. One night this week, get a solid eight or nine hours of sleep and see how good you feel at school the next day.
4. Take the weeklong “Screen-Free Challenge.” Go for seven whole days without TV, movies, computer, video games, and so on, and see how much time you save. Using the computer for homework is allowed.
5. If you could visit any place in the world, where would it be? Brainstorm a quick list of ideas as to how you might get there someday.
Ideas:
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6. If any one of your teachers ever offers extra credit, do it!
7. Go out of your way to develop a good relationship with one of your teachers.
8. Develop your own homework routine and make it a priority. Set apart certain hours each day to study.
DAY
MY STUDY TIMES
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SUNDAY
9. Think of someone you know who has a job you’d love to have someday. Ask them if you could shadow them on the job for a day.
10. What topic would you really like to learn more about?
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How might you learn more?
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Books, magazines to read:
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Websites to explore:
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People to talk to:
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Classes to take:
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Places to visit:
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Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
—Albert Camus, author
In my entire life, I’ve only thrown one punch. It was when I punched a best friend.
I was in second grade playing a game of two-on-two football, and I began arguing with my friend Clar over the rules. Losing my cool, I pinned him down and punched him right in the eye. Shocked at what I had just done, I jumped up and dashed away as Clar screamed bloody murder.
Although Clar had a black eye for about two weeks, I was grateful that he forgave me and let me be his friend again, a friendship that has lasted to this very day.
There’s nothing better than having a best friend, someone you can totally be yourself around. As one wise teen put it, “Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.” Then again, friends will sometimes turn on you, gossip about you, or get you so upset you want to punch them.
So, let’s talk about Friends, our next fork-in-the-road decision.
Who will you choose as your friends and what kind of friend will you be? You can choose the high road by choosing friends that build you up, being a true friend, and standing up to peer pressure. Or take the low road by choosing friends that bring you down, being a fair-weather friend, and giving in to peer pressure. Like the school decision, the friend decision isn’t one single decision. It’s a series of decisions made again and again over many years.
FRIENDS CHECKUP*
Before diving in, take this quick checkup.
CIRCLE YOUR CHOICE
NO WAY
HECK YES!
1.
I have at least one or more true friends.
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5
2.
I make an effort to get to know new people and make new friends.
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The friends I hang out with are a positive influence on me.
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I’m inclusive of others and don’t belong to an exclusive clique.
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I don’t judge other people before I get to know them.
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I’m loyal to my friends and don’t talk behind their backs.
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I’m quick to forgive my friends when they make mistakes.
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8.
I’m a good listener and don’t dominate discussions.
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9.
I’m kind to everyone, not just people I like.
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10.
I am able to resist peer pressure and be my own person.
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TOTAL
Add up your score to see how you’re doing.
You’re on the high road. Keep it up!
You’re straddling the high and low roads. Move to higher ground!
You’re on the low road. Pay special attention to this chapter.
You’re going to love this chapter. The first section, Surviving the Everyday Ups and Downs of Friendships, talks about fickle friends, mean girls, bullies, competition, and why we should never center our lives on friends. In Making and Being a Friend, we’ll explore the essentials to making and being a good friend. Finally, Peer Pressure will look at how to resist negative peer pressure and build your own positive support system.
Surviving the Everyday Ups and Downs of Friendships
Sooner or later, friends show their TRUE COLORS, that is, what kind of friends they really are. Madison told me about how her best friend of three years turned on her to win the approval of an older guy.
Our sophomore year, my best friend Shari was pursued by a senior football player named Mit
ch who had a really bad reputation. Football was very big at our school, and she saw Mitch as her ticket to popularity. Shari started acting like I was a goody-goody and picked up Mitch’s bad language and attitude. Since Shari and I had been close friends for years, I decided to write her a private letter and confided that Mitch was just using her and would bring her down.
To my horror, Shari not only rejected what I wrote her, but she showed the letter to Mitch. Mitch became very angry, because I had attacked him personally. The next day, Mitch and a few of his huge football friends stood around my lunch table. In front of all my friends and the entire lunchroom, he went on a tirade, yelling and swearing, and calling me all sorts of horrible names.
The worst part of this public nightmare was that Shari stood behind him laughing. She had been my best friend for three years and had known him for less than a month. That hurt more than anything.
I did everything I could to keep from bursting out crying and ran home instead of going to class. I had only been in high school for a few weeks. I didn’t think I could ever face people again.
My parents calmed me down and my dad called the vice principal who warned Mitch to stay away from me. That just added fuel to the fire. I went to school the next day and found that Mitch had written a nasty word on my locker. I was so embarrassed I had to miss class to wash it off.
Right then, I had to decide whether to let Mitch and Shari ruin my sophomore year. My parents had taught me to take responsibility for my life no matter what happened, so I decided to not let Mitch and Shari determine how I felt about myself. I took control and completely ignored Mitch and soon he lost interest.
Just as I suspected, after finding another cute sophomore to exploit, Mitch lost interest in Shari and moved on. But the damage remained. Now Shari had a bad reputation of being “easy,” and no decent guy would ask her out. She also didn’t have any close girlfriends because she had ignored them when she was involved with Mitch. Eventually she apologized for what happened between us. I forgave her and we were friendly to each other, but the trust was gone in our friendship and it was never the same again.
Does Madison’s story sound familiar? Almost everyone I know has had an experience where a seemingly “good” friend shows their true colors and dumps them for someone they think is more popular. And nowadays we also have to worry about how those so-called good friends talk about us online for the whole world to see. If this has ever happened to you, take comfort in the fact that it’s happened to lots of others, too. Contrast the fickleness of Shari in the above episode with the steadiness of Curtis Walker in this one.
When I was growing up it was a struggle to make friends. If I wasn’t being ignored, I was being harassed. I always wished I was popular. The kids who did talk to me were the ones treated as outsiders, as I was, and most everyone thought we were weird.
As a sophomore, my athletic ability increased and I began to get some recognition. I was playing on the football team for the first time in my life, and it seemed that my dream of being accepted was finally coming true.
On game day, the players wore their jerseys and hung around together. The day of our first game, a huge decision came my way at lunchtime. I had just loaded up my tray and saw the football players sitting together. Some of the guys I knew waved me over to their table.
Just as I started to walk over, I looked and saw my old friends sitting at their table. It was one of those moments that last forever. All at once it hit me. I knew who meant the most in my life. I made my way over to that humble table, to be with the guys who had always been there for me.
There were guys on the football team that treated me differently after that. I know that I missed out on a lot of activities with the popular kids at school. But in the end it was worth it because my character reached a milestone that day.
Wouldn’t you love to have Curtis as a friend? Talk about true colors. In that moment of truth, he realized his old friends would always be there for him, even if his athletic skills were not. I hope that you and I will have the courage to be like Curtis.
Dealing with fickle or inconsistent friends seems to be a common challenge of friendships. Other common ups and downs include surviving the popularity game, enduring friends’ little quirks, coping with gossip and bullies, and suffering through comparisons and competition.
Throughout this section, we’ll talk about each of these ups and downs. I’ll also drop a few survival tips as little reminders. Here’s the first one.
FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #1
Choose steady friends who like you for who you are, not fickle ones who like you for what you have.
WHAT’S AT YOUR CENTER?
How can you possibly survive inconsistent friends? The key is not to make friends the center of your life. Your life center is whatever is most important to you. And whatever that is becomes your paradigm, or the pair of glasses through which you see the world.
There are scores of possible life centers for teens, but the most common are girlfriends and boyfriends, sports, popularity, and, of course, friends. Making friends your life center may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. Why? Because friends are imperfect, unstable, and human. They move. They change. And, sometimes, they turn on you. If you’ve centered your life on friends, it can topple you. Your emotional life will hinge on how many friends you have or how they’ve treated you lately. You’ll surrender to peer pressure or allow friends to come between you and your mom and dad.
No one likes it when a friend gets possessive and wants you all to themselves. But that’s what happens when you become friend centered. If you want to lose your friends, center your life on them. Teenager Paul Jones from Scotland put it like this:
“Always allow friends space and don’t cling to them; they will always be there if they are worth keeping.”
If your friends don’t make a good center, what does? Principles do. Yup, those time-tested natural laws that never go away, such as honesty, respect, and responsibility. Unlike friends, principles never fail. They don’t gossip or turn on you. They don’t get up and move. And here’s the best part: Make principles your center and everything else will find its proper place, including your friendships. Ironically, by putting principles ahead of friends you’ll actually make more friends and become a better one yourself. That’s because your sense of security won’t depend on something outside of you. It will come from within. You’ll be steady, and everyone likes to hang around steady people.
FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #2
Make as many friends as you can, but never center your life on them.
IT’S ALL ABOUT POPULAR!
When you hear the word popular, what comes to mind? Do you crave it, or does even the thought of it make you want to throw up? Well, like most things, popularity has a good side and a bad one.
On the bad side, we associate the word popular with stuck-up, snotty, bratty people who think they’re better than everyone else. You know, those good-lookin’ kids who say the right things and wear the right clothes. Even though they think everyone adores them, they’re hated by many. So, in reality, they’re really only popular among themselves. Popularity has become their life center. Today, we obsess about our online popularity, spending more time worrying about how many “likes” we get than about the people who actually like us.
But there’s also a positive side. We all know people who are well liked and respected because they are genuinely decent people. They’re friendly to everyone. They’re not stuck-up. And they’ve often worked hard to excel at something. My friend Duane was one of these guys. He was voted “most preferred” by all the girls in my high school. He was a great athlete, but he was also nice to everyone. He was popular, in every good sense of the word. Let me be clear: Popularity is not a bad thing. It only turns bad when people start thinking they’re better than someone else.
So, what if you’re a good person but aren’t popular? Don’t worry about it. Don’t center your life on popularity or try to become popular
for popularity’s sake. It doesn’t work that way. Instead, just be your best self. If you put your focus there, good things will happen. Then, if popularity comes, fine. If not, fine. After all, popularity is secondary, not primary, to greatness. It’s based on the external stuff that the world says makes a person great: fame and fortune, beauty and biceps. There’s nothing wrong with this stuff. It’s just that, ultimately, it’s really not that important or lasting.
Primary greatness, on the other hand, is not what you see on the outside, but what lies within. Primary greatness is your character—who you really are. This is lasting.
What’s more, the whole idea of popularity seems to be fading. It used to be that the only definition of coolness was being the athlete or the cheerleader. No longer. Thanks to an explosion of extracurricular activities, it’s no longer so clear who’s in and who’s out. There are lots of ways to be cool.
FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #3
Stop trying to be popular. Just be yourself, be nice to everyone, and good things will follow.
QUEEN BEES, WANNABES, AND GAMMA GIRLS
In a classic Newsweek article, Susannah Meadows analyzes Queen Bees & Wannabes, a book by Rosalind Wiseman that takes a look at popularity and fitting in. Wiseman writes about three groups of high school girls she’s studied. She called them the Alphas, Betas, and a group not always highlighted, the Gammas. (By the way, Alpha, Beta, and Gamma are simply the names for the first three letters of the Greek alphabet.)
