by Sean Covey
Saying please is polite and shows respect. The same goes for thank you. Nothing perturbs parents more than ingratitude. So look for ways to say thank you, whenever you can.
“Thanks, Mom. Dinner was yummy.”
“Dad, thanks a lot for letting me use the car last night. I had a great time.”
I love you is the next most important phrase. In some homes, hugs and sure love yas are passed around freely. In others, it’s not so warm and fuzzy. In fact, it’s downright cold. If that’s your lot, try being a cycle breaker and starting a new trend in your home, where you express love and affection in one way or another. It only takes one person to get started. Here’s how Sherwin did it.
My dad—he’s really cool. It’s just that he has a really short temper, so, like, I’m afraid sometimes. When I was small my dad would always yell at me and it was hurting my soul. But, inside, I wouldn’t blame him. I always thought it was me.
I was watching a show where the dad dies and the kid never got to say “I love you.” So, I was like, what if I never tell my dad I love him and the last thing I say to him is, “Yeah, I’ll put the lasagna in the oven.” Since then, every day I give my dad a hug. It’s my way of saying, “I love you.”
The first time I gave my dad a hug I was surprised he didn’t find it weird. I told him that I never wanted to say good-bye. No matter what happened I wanted us to be on each other’s good side. He felt the same way. He made it perfectly clear that I could always turn to him if I needed him. I love him. Even though at times I might hate his guts, I hug him every day. No questions asked. Our relationship has really gotten better.
As James Taylor sings,
“Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel.”
How can I help? is the next most important phrase. Caution: Make sure your parents are sitting down when you try this out on them because it might knock them off their feet.
“Mom, I know you’re totally stressed right now. How can I help?”
“Oh, no! Look at the garage. It looks like a tornado hit it,” says your dad.
“How can I help, Dad?” you say back.
After all that’s been said about building the RBA with your parents, if I had to narrow it down to one thing it would be: Always keep your room clean. For some strange reason, they really like that. You can even make a boatload of mistakes and be forgiven as long as your room is clean. It also helps if your brother or sister has a really messy room, because it makes you look even better by comparison.
You’re So Annoying
As we all know, parents can be annoying. Specifically, these are five of the top complaints:
• My Parents Are Always Comparing Me.
• My Parents Are Never Satisfied.
• My Parents Are Embarrassing.
• My Parents Are Overprotective.
• My Parents Are Always Fighting.
With each complaint, you have a choice to make. You can let it drive you insane and lash out. Or, you can find ways to deal with it.
If you’re struggling with what your parents are like, remember to focus on your circle of control. Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t control, like your parents’ weaknesses or their annoying habits. Instead, focus on what you can control, like your attitude and your reactions to what they do. You can’t make choices for your parents. You can only make choices for yourself.
MY PARENTS ARE ALWAYS COMPARING ME
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Ouch!
“Why don’t you get involved in extracurricular things, like your friend Tayva? Now, she has her act together.” Ouch!
Sondra told me how she always felt put down by her father whenever he compared her to others.
When I was small, my dad was really nice and stuff, but not anymore. I have two little brothers and an older sister. Me and my sister are just 11 months apart. My dad compares me with my sister a lot. My sister is really smart. He always tells me, “You’re not capable enough.” He tells me I’m not university material. But it’s fine. I mean, I’m kind of used to it.
Just recently, we were at my aunt’s house and they were talking about who looks like who. My dad said, “Yeah, Sondra looks like me, but her brain doesn’t look like mine, but her sister’s does.” My dad has a big forehead and so does my sister, and he said, “People with big foreheads are smart; that’s why Sondra doesn’t have a big forehead.” I was feeling really bad about myself. I wanted to have the relationship that he had with my sister.
I’ll bet you a thousand bucks that this father really loves Sondra and is unaware of how badly he’s hurting her feelings. It’s hard not to compare yourself to that girl with the perfect hair or that guy with the 4.0 GPA. And, just as you struggle, so do your parents. It’s a human tendency. For some strange reason and with the best of intentions, parents think that comparing you to someone else will motivate you. As every teen knows, it does the opposite.
Sometimes they won’t come right out and compare you but they’ll do it in subtle ways. As McKayla put it: “My mom says things about my friends being feminine which implies I’m not.”
If you’re being compared a lot, consider this. First, try not to take it too personally. Just remember how it feels and make a resolution not to do it to your own kids one day.
Second, you may want to make them aware of how you feel. The next time your mom or dad compares you to a sibling, a friend, or a Greek god, say something like, “Mom. Dad. You know what? It really hurts when you compare me to so and so. I’m different from so and so and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk that way anymore.”
We all want to be loved by our parents. I remember being at a party with my younger brother and overhearing someone ask my dad, “So, which of your sons are you more like?” He said, “Oh, I don’t know. I think I’m more like Joshua.” It made me feel bad, as if he liked Joshua more than me. It was such a little thing. He meant no harm. But it made me realize how much we want to be liked by our parents and not be compared to others.
We all come in different shapes and sizes, but we are all of infinite worth, not to be compared to anyone else. I love how Ruth Vaughn put it:
MY PARENTS ARE NEVER SATISFIED
Sarina told me:
Me and my dad don’t see eye to eye. He thinks that I could do better in school even though I pulled six As and two Cs. All he could say to me was, “Get your grades and your attendance up.” Which really, really made me mad.
This is a classic challenge I call the never-satisfied syndrome. Your parents constantly rag on you. You can’t seem to do anything right. You want them to be proud of you, but you can’t seem to satisfy them.
If this is how you feel, don’t start thinking that your parents don’t love you. Like the comparing thing, they often don’t realize what they’re doing and they do mean well. Maybe this is the way they were raised. When you become a parent, it’s not like you get a user’s manual on how to be an awesome parent.
One thing you can try is to point out all the good stuff you are doing. For example, Sarina might say: “Yeah, I can always do better, Dad. But you have to admit that getting six As last term is pretty good and it’s a lot better than last year.”
MY PARENTS ARE EMBARRASSING
I don’t know how it is with you, but my parents embarrassed me so badly when I was young that I don’t get embarrassed anymore. I’m immune.
I was born in Ireland, where my family lived for a few years, and my mom picked up on some Irish traditions. When we moved back to the States, on each St. Patrick’s Day she’d show up at my elementary school with her big hair and a big box of shamrock cookies. She’d then sing a medley of Irish folk songs like “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” in her operatic voice. My teachers and classmates always got a big kick out of it. I’d be hiding under my desk—dying.
Even more embarrassing was Dad. We’d go to movies together, and when he got tired he’d wad up his coat for a pillow and take a nap in the aisl
e. One time he took me and my siblings to a Broadway play in New York, mysteriously disappeared during the middle of the play, and showed up thirty minutes later with sacks of Chinese food.
My dad is an author, and people would often say to me, “Are you Stephen R. Covey’s son?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Wow! What’s it like to have such a famous father?”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“Would you please tell your dad that his books have changed my life?”
“Ummm. Okay. Whatever,” I’d say.
But I’d be thinking: “Do you realize that my dad goes jogging in black knee-high dress socks?”
When I turned nineteen, I finally read one of Dad’s books to see why everyone was so enthralled with him and was amazed at how much he had grown.
So, maybe your mom and dad embarrass you like mine did. Or maybe they’re out of touch when it comes to fashion and music. So what! They’re usually very much in touch when it comes to important things, like how to bounce back after you just got dumped.
In case you hadn’t noticed, they do have quite a bit more experience than you do. As Anya, a student from Florida, put it, “They have experienced so much: They’re my number-one resource to the real world.” Author Wayne Rice uses a little mathematical equation to make this point, as shown below.
They’re probably smarter than you think. It’s like this sign I once read, “Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was, and only half as stupid as my teenager thinks I am.”
MY PARENTS ARE OVERPROTECTIVE
Jake always felt his parents were overprotective.
Growing up, I was not allowed to watch the Power Rangers TV show because it was too violent. When I was nine, I came home from school a few weeks after my birthday and went into my parents’ room and absentmindedly opened a chest at the foot of their bed. The first thing that caught my eye was a green Power Ranger action figure, still half covered with wrapping paper and a tag that read
To: Jake
From: Steve
I couldn’t believe it. My own parents had swiped my present! So I confronted them about it. After a short argument, they conceded that they should have told me about it. I asked if I could have it now since I found it. They still refused to let me play with my own Power Ranger action figure.
Maybe your parents aren’t swiping your presents like Jake’s did. But do you ever feel they’re too controlling?
Check each statement below that is true about your parents.
They always have to know exactly where I’ve been and whom I’ve been with.
They have set a strict curfew for me.
They always rescue me when I get into trouble.
They are judgmental about the friends I hang out with.
They are very selective about whom I date.
If I mess up, they put additional restrictions on me.
They are nosy and don’t respect my privacy.
They are overly strict and have too many rules.
If you checked many of these, there are two different conclusions you might draw. Your parents don’t trust you or they care about you a bunch. In most cases, so-called overprotective parents simply care a lot and show it through lots of rules and wanting to know everything. So don’t get too hung up about parental rules. After all, if you had to choose, don’t you think you’d rather have parents that seem to care too much than parents who don’t seem to care at all?
If you’re fully worthy of your parents’ trust and you think they’re still ridiculously strict, what can you do? Unfortunately, I don’t have a good answer except to say: remain worthy of their trust. Keep telling the truth. And be careful not to become so preoccupied with their strictness that it makes you want to rebel.
In high school I had a good friend Randy who had a very strict mother. His mom always seemed to have some reason for not letting Randy do stuff with the guys, like going camping or to a concert. At first, Randy didn’t seem to mind. After a while, he let it drive him crazy. When he finally got out on his own, he rebelled for several years just to get back at his mom. He finally settled down, but it was a sad few years for Randy and I believe he came to regret some of the choices he made during that time.
One of the big challenge areas is curfews. Your parents like them—you don’t. Like ‘em or not, most teens have curfews, even if they won’t admit it. As all teens know, curfews were invented to ruin your life. In reality, your parents are worried about drugs, drunk drivers, and psychos who roam the night. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. A curfew, however, can work to your advantage as well. If you ever have to get out of an uncomfortable situation, blame it on your curfew. “Sorry, but I’ve gotta leave. It’s that stupid curfew of mine.”
The good news is: Curfews can usually be negotiated a little. Here are three techniques you may want to try.
1. l’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. Sometimes parents will bend the rules a little if you do something big for them. “Mom, if I clean the basement, will you let me stay out late this Friday?”
2. The reservoir. Show that you are responsible by obeying your curfew with exactness for a period and building a reservoir of trust. “Mom, if I religiously follow my curfew all summer, could we push it back an hour later starting next fall?”
3. The big event. If you have something big coming up, let your parents know well in advance. Often they’ll be willing to make exceptions. “Mom, next Saturday, Laura’s having a party for semester break. Would it be okay if I stayed out late that night?”
MY PARENTS ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING
What’s it like in your home? Peaceful or a war zone? As one teen put it, “My parents fight a lot and have a lot of arguments. They usually make up but it scares me.”
When you add a little alcohol to the mix, it can really spark things, as April shared. “My father drinks. He drinks a lot. When we’re sitting together at the table for dinner he kind of starts with my older brother. My mom tries to stop them, and at that moment, my family just falls apart.”
The fighting and yelling can get so bad that you can hardly stand to be home, as these lyrics from “Stay Together for the Kids” from the group blink-182 illustrate.
Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems,
they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along, so why can’t they?
If this is what he wants
and this is what she wants
then why is there so much
PAIN?
Words and Music by Tom DeLonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Baker. © 2001 EMI APRIL MUSIC INC. and FUN WITH GOATS. All Rights Controlled and Administered by EMI APRIL MUSIC INC. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by Permission.
In such situations, the only thing you can control is you. You can’t change your parents, but you can choose not to yell, scream, and fight back. You can be pleasant. You can be a peacemaker. And that’s a start.
Danette faced just such a challenge.
My parents didn’t get along so well. When I was fifteen, my parents had been picking at each other as usual and I went off to bed. The next thing I remember was being awakened by the sound of my mother yelling something about “Don’t you leave without saying good-bye to the kids.”
I was completely shocked as my father entered the room to tell me that he loved me. I sat straight up and asked what was going on. I still remember the panic that gripped my heart. He told me good-bye and all I could say was “Wait!” I was thinking there had to be something I could do to fix this.
“Can we just talk about this?” I asked.
Their bedroom was right across the hall and the three of us went in there and sat down. I remember reminding them of the commitments they had made, how much I loved and needed them both, and asked them to pray together. I prayed aloud for us all. My
parents were both in tears when I finished. My dad stood up and told me thank you and that he loved me and left.
I cried most of the night and was in a daze the next day at school. But, when I came home, my dad was back. He explained that he just needed some time and space to think. I think my mom did, too. I had reminded them both of why they were together and learned, once again, that I can’t make choices for anyone but myself.
This story had a happy ending and all endings aren’t so happy. The point is, Danette was a positive influence and a peacemaker in her own home. She focused on what she could do something about.
Dealing with Divorce
All that fighting can sometimes lead to divorce. It’s sad to say, but about every other marriage ends in divorce. My parents are still together, so I can’t say, “I know how you feel.” I don’t. But Lindsey does. Lindsey struggled with her parents’ divorce but has since adjusted well. I asked her what advice she’d give to other teens.
I’d start by saying, it’s not your fault. When my parents got divorced they made it a point to let me know it didn’t have anything to do with me.
At first it’s really hard because you feel like you’ll never be able to adjust to life without both parents being at the same house. After a while, though, it becomes sort of natural and you’ll even find that there are ups to the situation. For example, you’ll most likely get twice the Christmas gifts and birthday presents, even though you don’t get to enjoy holidays with both parents.
The divorce made me feel like something was missing. I didn’t realize it was the divorce that was causing that feeling. I was frustrated, mad, and sad for a long time, but I eventually got used to the idea. I realized that I wouldn’t want them to be together if they weren’t happy. I felt alone because I didn’t think other people understood what I was going through. Then I realized that all of my three siblings did! So we started talking and it made it a lot easier for all of us.
