by Sean Covey
“I’m sorry, Tyrone. But we’ve talked about this before. You know your curfew. I want you home at twelve tonight and that’s final.”
“You take this curfew stuff pretty seriously.”
“You bet I do. Kids get into so much trouble late at night. That’s when all the accidents happen. You read the papers. Nothing good happens after midnight. I just want you to be safe.”
“So, it’s a safety issue for you, huh?”
“That’s it exactly. I know you probably think that I’m too strict, but I’m doing it for your own good. You’ve got a lot going for you, son, and I don’t want you to mess up. That’s all.”
Tyrone nods and remains silent.
“Listen, Ty. Just come home on time tonight, then we can talk about this more some other time. Maybe we can push your curfew back a little or make some exceptions. My goal isn’t to ruin all your fun, I just want you to be safe. Know what I mean?”
Compare this conversation with the previous one. What a difference! And all it took was a couple of mirroring responses by Tyrone. For the first time, Dad feels understood. In addition, Tyrone better understands his dad. He realizes that his dad isn’t such a jerk—he simply wants Tyrone to be safe. Although Tyrone may not get exactly what he wants right now, he’s on his way to having more flexibility on his curfew later.
When trying to understand someone, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be silent, as Tyrone did. You’re not ignoring them, you’re just absorbing what they’re saying, and it gives them a chance to fully express themselves without being cut off.
Below is the traditional Chinese character for listening. Notice that listening involves more than just your ears; it also requires your eyes and heart.
Here are some great Seek First to Understand phrases to use:
• “So, you’re saying that…”
• “As I get it, you feel…”
• “If I understand you correctly, you think…”
• “You feel ___________________about ___________________.”
Skill #3: Synergize
Do you ever hit roadblocks with your parents? You see things one way and your parents see them another. You want more independence and they want more control. You want a credit card and they don’t think you’re ready. It seems as though it’s either your way or their way.
In truth, there is almost always a third option, a new and better way. You just have to be mature enough to talk it through. I call this Synergize, Habit 6 of the 7 Habits.
I know a teen named Nikki who really wanted a dog. Her mom, on the other hand, would rather die than have a dog. She was a germ freak and couldn’t stand the thought of an animal spreading disease throughout her house. “Do you want a dog or do you want a mother?” she’d often say.
They argued about it for months.
“Why won’t you let me get a dog? All my friends have dogs and their parents don’t even care. What’s the big deal?” Nikki would cry.
“There’s no way we’re getting a dog. It’s like taking care of another child. And I’ll end up having to take care of it. We’re not getting a dog, and that’s final,” her mom would shout.
Finally, seeing she was getting nowhere, Nikki stayed up late one night and wrote out a proposal to her mom. She carefully thought through her mom’s concerns and wrote up a contract of all the things she would do to address them if her mom would let her get a dog. She then placed the letter on her mom’s pillow.
Nikki’s mom was so taken back by the letter she actually opened her mind to the idea of getting a dog. Nikki and her mom then spent several weeks researching dogs together on the internet. Nikki wanted an affectionate and loyal dog. Mom wanted a small dog that didn’t bite, shed, bark, or even poo. They both genuinely listened to each other for the first time, knowing that if they couldn’t agree on the kind of dog, there would be no dog.
On her fourteenth birthday, a dog owner from another state showed up at Nikki’s door with a little white Maltese, the cutest, fluffiest dog you’ve ever seen.
When you and your parents disagree on something, instead of fighting, take the mature approach and synergize. Talk it through. Try to find a solution that works for both of you. There are always good options if you’ll talk openly. Here’s a simple five-step process to help you get there.
As you probably noticed, Think Win-Win and Seek First to Understand are built right into this action plan. These three skills all work together.
Pretend you and your mom are in an ongoing argument over school. She is constantly badgering you to do your homework and get better grades. You, on the other hand, are tired of her nonstop nagging. Most your conversations sound something like this.
“Honey, I think you’d better turn off that TV and start your homework.”
“Lighten up, Mom. I’ll do it later. I swear.”
“There is no later. There is only now.”
“I’d really appreciate it if you’d get off my back. If you haven’t noticed, your nagging doesn’t help.”
“I wouldn’t have to talk about your homework if you’d actually do it. But you don’t. It’s like you don’t even care.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m such a loser. Just go away.”
This kind of conversation is way too typical. And it’s lazy. Fighting and arguing is simply lazy. But, you just learned about the Getting to Synergy Action Plan recently. And you’re stoked about trying it out. After all, what do you have to lose?
So, late one night, when your mom is in one of her good moods, you approach her.
Define the Problem or Opportunity
“Mom, can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure, honey. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, I just wanted to talk about school. I’m sick of always fighting about it.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Their Way (seek first to understand the ideas of others)
“Can you help me understand why you’re always on my back? I mean, how do you see the whole thing, Mom?”
“I’m sorry that it feels like I’m harassing you. I don’t mean it that way. I’m just worried about your grades. You could do so much better if you only tried a little harder.”
“You don’t think I’m giving it my best?”
“No, I don’t. Sometimes I feel like you couldn’t care less about school. I feel like if I didn’t constantly remind you to do your homework, you wouldn’t do a thing. It’s really important to get into a good college and you need the grades to do it.”
“So, what you’re saying is you feel like I really don’t care much about school and it’s important to you that I get into a good college. Does that pretty much sum it up?”
“Yeah. That’s kind of the way I see it.”
Your Way (seek to be understood by sharing your ideas)
“Would you mind if I told you how I feel?”
“No problem. It sounds as though I need to hear it.”
“I really do care about school, Mom. Probably not as much as you do, but I do care. I just like to do my homework on my own terms. Not when you tell me I have to. So it really bothers me when you get all over me about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, your constant nagging about my homework doesn’t motivate me—just the opposite. It makes me not want to do it and makes me feel like a loser, like you don’t think I’m capable of doing anything.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think I’d do a lot better if you’d stop ripping on me and just be there if I need help.”
Brainstorm (create new options and ideas)
“So, what do you think we should do?” says Mom.
“For starters, I’d really like it if you stopped nagging me all the time.”
“I don’t like the nagging either, darling. But it seems like it’s the only way to get you to do your homework.”
“What would I need to do to keep you from doing it?”
“Well, you’d need to prove to me that you’re staying
on top of things. That’s all.”
“Mom, did you know that you can go online anytime and look at my grades and assignments for any class?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you can. I just need to give you my password. So, what if we tried this? You go online whenever you want to check how I’m doing. If I’m not turning my stuff in or doing bad, you can nag all you want. But, if I’m on top of things, you leave me alone.”
High Way (find the best solution)
“That’d be fine. But you need to show me how to get to that website.”
“No problem, Mom. So what do you think? Does this sound like a good idea? Do we have a deal?”
“Sounds good to me, dear.”
It’s not always this easy. But sometimes it is. There are always solutions to disagreements if you’ll talk them through with your parents. It takes patience. It takes effort. But it works. In review, the three gap-closing communication skills are:
• Think Win-Win—always think about what the win is not only for you, but also for your parents.
• Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood—take the time to really understand your parents’ point of view before opening your mouth. Repeat what they’re saying and feeling in your own words.
• Synergize—talk through your differences. Try to see their point of view first. Then share your point of view. Finally, explore all your options and pick the best one. It’s that simple.
Armed with these skills, you may now consider yourself a dangerous communicator.
DISARMING YOUR PARENTS IN ONE LINE OR LESS
Often, parents say things that really push your buttons, like, “Because I said so. That’s why!” or “You’ll do what I say or else…” In a sense, they have picked up their sword and publicly challenged you to a duel. The worst thing you can do at this point is to pick up your own sword and engage in battle. You’ll never win one of these. Instead, disarm them by doing one of three things.
1 Apologize.
2 Bite your tongue and say nothing.
3 Seek first to understand by repeating in your own words what they are saying and feeling.
By not picking up your own sword, it will cause them to drop theirs. And it usually only takes one line to disarm them. Just watch.
Scene 1: You and your mom are arguing about your choice of clothing. The conversation starts heating up as you start getting upset with your mom.
Your mom says, “I can’t believe what you’re saying. I’m your mother. How dare you talk to me that way.”
Now, if you want to engage in battle you might say: “I’ll talk to you any way I want to.”
But if you’re smart and want to disarm your mom, you’ll say: “Sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Scene 2: You’ve been complaining to your dad about how unfair it is that you have to do all the hard chores, while your little sister gets all the easy ones.
Your dad, visibly frustrated, sighs, “I’ve already explained how I feel about it. I don’t want to hear one more peep out of you. And I mean it. Do you understand?”
If you want to start World War III you could say: “Peep.”
If you want to disarm your dad, you could try biting your tongue and just being silent.
Scene 3: You and your dad have been talking about a new guy you’ve started dating whom your dad doesn’t like.
Your dad says, “Honey, I don’t have a good feeling about that guy. I really don’t think you should be going out with him. I feel really strongly about this.”
Saying, “It’s really none of your business, Dad,” might be the first thing that comes to your mind, which will really boil his blood.
However, you could also disarm him, and then go on to have a real conversation by reflecting understanding. “Dad, I can tell you’re really concerned about him.”
TWO CLASSIC BLUNDERS
There are two classic blunders teens often make that tick off parents and destroy trust. Avoid them. They’re not worth it. You may feel good for a moment by taking that jab at your parents, but you’ll pay for it later. The two blunders are getting in the last word and telling your parents you hate them.
The Last Word
Marshall is running late for work as a bagger at the grocery store. Mom has just come out of his messy room and has fire in her eyes.
“Marshall. Get downstairs right now and clean your room. I’m not asking you again.”
“C’mon, Mom, my room is clean.”
“Clean? You call that clean? There are clothes thrown all over the floor. Your bed’s unmade. And garbage is strewn everywhere. I can’t believe I’m raising a slob.”
“Mom, I’m going to be late to work. I’ll do it when I get back. I swear.”
“No, you won’t. Your work will just have to wait while you clean your room.”
“You’re not serious? I can’t believe you.”
“You better believe me, ‘cuz I mean business.”
Marshall dashes downstairs to his room. As he passes his mom he says under his breath: “Jerk!”
“What did you just call me?”
Marshall just had to get the last word in. He couldn’t help himself. And by so doing, he started a nuclear war. Parents have bionic ears, you see, and they hear all those nasty little words you say under your breath, like “jerk,” “idiot,” “you’re so out of it,” “you don’t know anything,” and a few other words I can’t publish. After the conversation has wrapped to a natural conclusion, resist the urge to take one last jab at your parents. You’ll just open up a whole new can of worms. Choose your battles wisely.
I Hate You
Jatina and her family are going to her grandparents’ for Sunday evening dinner. For some time, Jatina and her stepmom have argued over Jatina’s choice of clothes. Jatina feels that what she wears is none of her stepmom’s business.
“Oh, no. You’re not wearing that around my parents. It’s totally immodest.”
“Chill out, Mom. What’s wrong with this outfit?”
“Just look at you. That blouse is way too revealing.”
“I don’t have anything else to wear.”
“Oh, c’mon. How many times have I taken you shopping lately? You’ve got lots of nice things to wear. What about that cute green outfit we just got you?”
“Eeuuww! That’s ugly. And since when did you become my fashion consultant? I’ll wear what I want.”
“Not around my parents, you won’t. Now, you can either put on something else, or you can stay home this weekend. It’s your choice.”
“Ugh, Mom. You’re so weird. I hate you.”
I hate you is just a convenient phrase we hurl at our parents when we’re mad or frustrated and nothing else comes to mind. I don’t think we really mean it most of the time. I remember sometimes telling my mom I hated her, when I got really upset. Sometimes she’d ignore it. Other times I could see it really hurt. I regret ever having said it.
HOW TO BREAK BAD NEWS TO YOUR PARENTS
A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst feelings of premonition, she reads it with trembling hands.
Dear Mom:
It’s with great joy that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he’s so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that, Mom, I’m pregnant and Biff said that we’ll be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the heroin we could want.
Don’t worry Mom, I’m 16 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’ll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judy
P.S. Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report car
d that’s in my desk drawer. I love you!
The hardest communication challenge of all is when you have to break bad news to your parents. So, if you just wrecked the family car, an approach like the one above might work well for you. It tends to put the little things into perspective.
When You Have to Raise Your Parents
Most parents are doing the best they can. Despite all their shortcomings, they love you and want the best for you. But some teens aren’t so lucky and have parents with major problems. A few of you have parents that are totally absent from your life, are drug addicts or alcoholics, sleep around with every passing stranger, or are abusive with their words or fists. They may still love you, but they’ve lost control of their lives. Their addictions and habits are stronger than their love.
I’ll never forget getting a letter from a young Vietnamese kid named Trinn.
Dear Sean:
I am eleven and I am in sixth grade and I have a problem. My dad takes drugs and my mom goes out a lot and she is cheating on my dad. I wish I could take control of my family. Can you give me some ideas or clues about what I should do?
I wasn’t sure what to say. I finally wrote back and told him that he could only make choices for himself, not for his parents, and to do the best he could. If you’re in a similar situation to Trinn’s, here are a few things to consider.
GET HELP
If your parents are hooked on drugs or alcohol, they obviously need help, such as seeing a therapist or going through a rehab program. One of the signs of addiction is denial. They won’t admit they have a problem. And they won’t want your help. Consider talking to a grandmother or grandfather, an aunt or uncle, or an adult friend. Or talk with a school counselor or trusted teacher. Tell them what’s going on and see if they can help you. If you’re afraid your mom or dad will get angry or violent if you tell on them, visit the Help Desk in the back to find a few hotlines you might call.
