My chest ached. Did he think he couldn’t speak to me? I closed off from everyone, but I never wanted to close myself off from Matt.
“Why are you only telling me this now?” I questioned.
“Did you honestly think I was going to go on and on about my girlfriend when you lost Nick?”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, swallowing back the burn in my throat.
“For what?”
“For not being there.”
He stopped walking and held me by my shoulders. His stare was so intense, I looked away.
“Don’t you dare. Mandy, you can’t blame yourself because you’re mourning.” I recoiled under the weight of his words. “Please don’t. I can’t bear it.”
“Okay,” I whispered, feeling tears sting my eyes.
I felt the need to apologize for my reaction but thought better of it. Instead, I linked my arm with his again and tugged him along.
“I can’t wait to meet her. I can tell her all your secrets,” I teased, eager to lighten the mood between us.
His smile didn’t reach his eyes, but he was happy, I knew.
We sat on a bench and watched people walk by, enjoying our silence and the cool air.
“I’m thinking about going back to college on Monday.”
I didn’t look at him, but I could tell he was smiling.
“That’s great news.”
“If I want to graduate next year, I think I should go back.”
I didn’t want to. The thought alone was crippling, but I couldn’t stay in my bedroom forever. Eventually, I would need to rebuild something resembling a life. It would never be the same, but maybe I could gather some shattered pieces and glue them together.
Later, when we arrived at the clinic, my fingers twitched and my shoulders squared, as if ready for an attack.
I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted the numbness back to soothe my aching body.
I didn’t have pain—so to speak. Not pain at the point of moving. This pain ran deeper. This agony was so raw, so tender, it was as if every nerve in my body was exposed.
Doctors couldn’t treat that pain.
Inside the clinic, it somehow seemed warm and cold all at once.
And familiar.
Too familiar.
The smell was too clean and fresh. I knew better, but for a minute I was back there, in the room with Nick.
I shuddered and shook my head, willing the thoughts away.
Matt checked me in with the receptionist and we took our seats in the waiting room.
Resting my head back on the chair, I closed my eyes. The blue carpet rustled beneath my feet, and I was back in the room again. My hand balled into a fist and I dug my nails into the flesh of my palm to distract myself. I didn’t want to cry.
The slow beep of the monitor replayed in my head. And the moment I made it stop.
The moment he stopped breathing.
The moment I killed the person I loved with my whole heart.
“Hi Mandy,” Doctor Roberts said softly, startling me out of my reverie.
I opened my eyes slowly, relief washing over me. I wasn’t in that room anymore. I was here. In the doctor’s surgery. “Are you ready?”
“Sure.” I willed a smile to my face.
The doctor’s office was small but dazzling. Lights beamed down like something from a spaceship. I squinted over the momentary pain in the back of my eyes. On the other side of the desk, the doctor shuffled papers around until she finally found what she was looking for.
“I understand you’ve been getting sick, finding it hard to keep down food, not sleeping, and, according to your mother, extremely depressed?”
My mother called. There was no end to the lengths the woman would go to.
My huff filled the small space. “I’m assuming you were speaking to my mother.”
“She called before you arrived.”
Of course she did.
“It’s not as bad as she made it sound. I’m tired,” I mumbled.
“You can talk to me, Mandy. It’s what I am here for. I’m aware of your current circumstances.”
Nick’s death was a circumstance?
How cold.
He wasn’t a circumstance.
To me, he was everything.
I lowered my eyes to the blue carpet at my feet, unsure of what to say.
“If it helps, I understand. My husband passed away two years ago.”
I gulped and jabbed a finger in my chest to ease the knot building there.
“I’m sorry,” I stuttered.
Bonding over a shared pain is a strange type of respite. You pass your grief along and into the hands of someone else because, in sharing, the weight becomes less of a burden.
“Thank you. I want you to know, you’re not alone in this. Grief is natural. It has a process, and we must go through it.”
Tears flowed endlessly down my face. This lady struck something in the centre of my agony. Somehow, I’d thought I wasn’t worthy to feel my grief. I was young and people looked at me differently for that reason. As if my loss wasn’t the same. If he had died when we were five or ten years older, I’d have more of a right to grieve.
But what those people didn’t realize or see, is that me and Nick weren’t some teenage crush or puppy love. We were it for each other. Each other’s missing piece.
I wiped tears roughly with the back of my hand before speaking. “Some days I wake wishing I hadn’t, and those are on the nights I can sleep. I walk into a room full of people and feel empty without his touch, or a brief smile to let me know he’s there. It feels like half of me isn’t here anymore.”
Doctor Roberts took my hand from across the desk. “I won’t lie to you and say it gets easier and the pain eases. It will always be there. But in time, you will find ways to cope with it. I know it feels like the day will never come, but eventually, you will start to feel a little normal. Bit by bit. Day by day.”
“How did he die?” I asked quietly, trying to avoid the thumping of my heart. Through my sobs, I take a tissue from the box on the desk.
“He was sick for a long time.” Doctor Roberts sat back in her chair. I guessed she answered the question so often, she no longer flinched saying it. In time, maybe I could do the same.
Maybe.
We both remained silent for a moment. It wasn’t an awkward silence. It allowed us an insight and understanding of each other’s pain.
“Could you hop up here for a moment?” The doctor patted the white leather.
“Will there be needles involved?”
“I’m afraid so. I will do a full check-up, and I might prescribe you something light for nausea so your mother actually believes you were here.” She smiled as I rolled my eyes.
Even underneath my jeans, I felt the coldness of the leather and a sudden shiver crept along down my spine. She pressed the stethoscope to my chest, checked my ears and throat, and pressed warm fingers firmly along my lower abdomen. I chose to ignore the narrowing of her eyes as she did the latter.
“I’m going to need a urine sample.”
I nodded in agreement. Anything to get out of sticking needles in my veins. But my relief was short-lived. When I returned from the restroom, the doctor took my urine sample for tests, instructed me to take a seat again, and to roll up my sleeve.
“Turn the other way if you like.”
I did.
“All done.” The doctor patted my arm as she placed a tiny bandage where the needle pricked the skin. “While I have your urine sample, is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
I almost choked and my entire body flushed of any colour. The question was so unexpected.
“I’d like to do a pregnancy test but there isn’t any need if you’re a virgin.”
How had this soft lady gone from being so kind and reassuring to so abrupt? The sudden change in personality was giving me whiplash.
“Apologies for the sensitive questions, but I have to ask.”
Frant
ically, I shook my head, still reeling from embarrassment. “I’m not pregnant but I’m also not a virgin.” My eyes found the floor, and my face burned.
“To cover all the bases then.”
She pulled clean gloves over her long fingers and got to work.
“With respect, Nick died over a month ago. It was at least three weeks before the accident anything happened between us. We were both busy working this summer.” Nick and I rarely kept our hands off each other, but those weeks before he died, we struggled to make time to speak on the phone. And we were always safe. “I’d have noticed by now.”
A sudden ache gnawed at my neck. As if a penny dropped somewhere.
Holy shit.
I couldn’t remember my last period. I frantically searched through my memories.
How the hell had I missed it?
Noticing my unease, the doctor interrupted my inner turmoil. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ll do the test and you will know for certain.”
Never.
I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I never even entertained the thought.
My mind flashed to the unused box of tampons sitting in my bathroom.
Nausea. The dizziness. The missed periods.
Sweet Lord, how did I not put all of it together?
But I had, and surely it was just grief. Stress can do that to your body.
Before I started hyperventilating, I took a calming breath, sitting back in the chair. I was overreacting.
“It will just be a minute,” the doctor assured me, removing her glasses and letting them rest around her neck. “Is there anything else you would like to discuss while you are here?”
This woman had a stick dipped in my urine to check if I was pregnant, and to fill the three-minute gap she wanted to discuss things?
Instead of saying that, I nodded.
“Mandy?”
“Huh?”
Had I blacked out or did I ignore the last few minutes? When I looked back up, the doctor was standing at her counter, stick in her hand.
She didn’t have to say it. Her face said enough.
My hand instinctively shot over my mouth, trapping the air my lungs were burning for.
I stood but immediately sat back down, unsure of where to go or how to move. I lost all function of my motor skills.
“I don’t understand.”
I must have been wailing because I heard the door swing open and Matt was on his knees, pulling me into his chest.
“What the hell is happening? I could hear you screaming from down the hall.”
I rocked against him. At least I thought I was rocking. Maybe my head was spinning. He pulled away from me, removing the hair from my face.
“Doctor, what is it?” He was panicking, so I took a deep breath, gathering myself as best I could.
“Sit down, Matt.” My voice sounded strangely stoic.
“Mandy, you’re scaring the shit out of me.” His jaw was so tense I thought it would crack.
I couldn’t hold back. What was the point?
“I’m pregnant.”
In all our years of being siblings, I never saw Matt turn a shade of green until then. He looked ill.
There was nothing in my head distracting enough. Just blankness. I was sitting there, numb, and pregnant with a dead man’s child.
I was angry at myself for having missed all the signs and furious at Nick for having left. How could he have left me like this?
The fury towards him built, bubbling beneath the surface. He gave up. On me. On our child. It was his decision to have me switch off life support.
His choice.
Thinking back on the events of the weeks gone by, I gritted my teeth and burning tears slipped down my cheeks.
I was shocked, of course. But I was more than that.
I was furious.
I wasn’t sure how long we’d been sitting there in silence when the doctor’s voice interrupted.
“Mandy, there are options.”
She pulled some tissues from a box and passed them to me. With trembling hands, I took them but didn’t wipe my eyes. I needed to feel and no amount of aloe vera tissues were going to fix it.
I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, so I asked, “What options?”
“There’s termination.”
“No,” I answered quickly, feeling uneasy.
“Mandy?” Matt cut in, obviously anxious.
He didn’t understand my reasoning.
“Matt, this isn’t about a termination. I’m so angry at him right now. Not because I’m pregnant. It takes two to tango. But because he isn’t here. I may think of him as the biggest asshole right now. But he was my asshole.” The sob that escaped me came from deep within my chest. Further, if possible. If pain had a sound, then that was it.
“Mandy, there is still a lot we need to figure out. Dates for a start. Maybe then, we can discuss other options,” Doctor Roberts continued speaking, but the ringing in my ears was too loud and the room was becoming too small.
I needed to get out of there. The walls were closing in. I stood, swiftly pushing the chair away from the table.
“This is a massive shock. I can suggest someone for you to speak to.”
I only wanted one person to speak to, and he wasn’t there.
Ignoring her advice, I turned to Matt. “I want to go home,” I whispered, feeling like my throat was closing in.
He said something to the doctor, but I didn’t hear it. I didn’t hear anything. Even as he wrapped me in his arms and walked me out of the building. Even when he sat me in the car and drove away.
I couldn’t do this without Nick.
So, when the pain became too much, and I was suffocating. When I was sure I was dying. At that moment, in the car, as my body shook, I felt it happening. Like a switch. The only way I could protect myself. Everything else fell away, and I welcomed the darkness and the cold because there, I didn’t fight against my suffering.
Numbness became my constant companion.
Chapter Eighteen
Now
Alex returned home earlier with Chinese food and after I ate my weight in noodles, any awkwardness I thought I would feel seeing him again disappeared the minute he walked in the door and I threw myself into his arms.
He made me feel safe to say things I otherwise wouldn’t. Even if it was begging for sex while I was drunk. He made me feel.
I wanted him.
All of him.
But for now, I simply want to be with him, curled up in his arms as we watch the waves lap in on the shore. The sun is still shining, but the breeze has turned chilly and the clouds in the distance look almost black. I know we don’t have long here, sitting in the sand with my back pressed against his chest.
“I love it here,” I say, resting my hands on his as they drape around my shoulders.
“I’m glad.” He kisses my temple.
We’ve been sitting here in comfortable silence for what seems like hours. There isn’t any need for words when you’re this happy in someone’s arms. Yet, something has shifted. Alex’s lack of words weighs heavily on me and I don’t know why.
“I hope my family didn’t scare you too much last night.”
I feel a light chuckle vibrate at my back. “No. Your family is great.”
“Are you suddenly realizing I can’t handle my alcohol and want to run miles away?” I say playfully, but inside, I freeze over.
He nuzzles his nose into my neck before kissing the sensitive spot under my ear. “Stop. Saying. That.” He places his lips on my skin with every word. “You had fun and I’m not running anywhere.”
I relax back into him, but something is still off.
I shift around in his arms until I’m facing him. Straddling his muscular thighs, I rest my hands on his shoulders.
“I give up. You’re killing me. Something’s off. What is it?”
He leans one hand back on the sand and tucks my blowing hair behind my ear with the other. His eyes cast downwar
ds, and his features grow dark. The grey clouds overhead are prowling closer and I know I don’t have long before the storm comes, and my opportunity will be lost.
“Is everything okay at work?” I ask, grasping at any reason he’s acting this way.
He shakes his head as he cups my cheeks with his palm. “Everything is fine.”
I sigh, my shoulders slouching. “Alex, if it’s something you don’t want to talk about, just say. I’ll drop it.”
But it doesn’t appear that way. Whatever words he’s playing with in his head seem like they are suffocating him and on the tip of his tongue.
A soft smile curls at the corner of his mouth as his gaze darts over every inch of my face. And suddenly the familiar heat zings through my veins. He takes a deep breath and I edge closer, like he’s pulling me to him.
“I really meant every word last night.”
“I know,” I say quietly, repeating what I said in the text messages this morning.
He says nothing for a long minute. His eyes are lost in his thoughts somewhere.
“Alex-”
“I’m in love with you, Mandy.”
Now it’s my turn to take a deep breath.
Six words and the entire universe settles on one spot. All the crazy thoughts of my past, present, and future come to a halt and I get lost in his dark blue eyes.
Everything is right in my small world. Even if it is momentarily. I’ll take it and hold it tight; it won’t get away.
I love you too, Alex.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
But the words won’t come out of my mouth.
Open your damn mouth.
“Alex, I-”
He cuts me off, putting his hand behind my neck and bringing my mouth to his. Everything about him is wanting, almost possessive, and dripping in love.
God, there’s so much love.
I feel it with every movement of his mouth against mine, and I can’t help but whimper as I rock into him. He grows hard against my core and I throw my head back as his mouth takes my neck and his fingers rub against the peak of my breasts. I want him so badly it’s almost painful.
His hands grab my hips, pulling me down onto him, and the friction is almost too much. Melting into his strength, I dig my nails into the muscles of his biceps, hardly hearing the clap of thunder above our heads because my heart is beating like crazy.
Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series) Page 15
