by Mary Jaine
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, and she looked so adorable, so vulnerable, that I just wanted to hold her close and make it go away, but I had to make her understand what I was saying.
"Will you promise me one thing, Ashley?" I asked her
"Ask me first Nicky, I'm not promising anything until I know what you're going to say!"
"OK Ashley, will you promise me that you won't say anything to Mother until you've considered, really considered, what we're doing here? I want you to be mine, God I think you're perfect for me, but you have to be certain that what you're feeling for me isn't just because you feel like you have no other option, that it's real, and it's what you really want. You've captured my heart, and I want you to give me yours in return, but only when you're completely ready; I'm not going anywhere any time soon, so take your time."
She looked up at me.
"Oh Nicky, I do want you, and I'm sure I'm feeling what you're feeling; it's more than just attraction, it feels right, deep down inside, it doesn't make me want to shut off and cringe like I used to do when I'd be out with Judy and guys would try and pick us up. I used to feel repulsed by that, like it was dirty and unclean, like it would make me even dirtier than I already was, but I don't feel that way when I think about you, or hold you, or make love to you. You make me feel fresh and clean and new inside, like what happened is really over and gone."
"Maybe I do need therapy, I don't know; I did try it, I went to some counselling sessions with a group, but it only made me feel worse; those poor women and girls, they had really horrific stories to tell; mine was almost nothing compared to some of the ordeals those poor women went through, and it didn't help in the slightest; it made me feel like I was wallowing in their pain and misery, and just brought what happened to me into sharper focus, the last thing I wanted to happen."
She swallowed, and continued.
"If you ask me to, I'll give it another chance, and see if it helps clear out whatever's remaining, although I still think you're all the therapy I need now. I don't think I can relate to some therapist or counsellor, no matter how experienced or well-meaning; I've spent nights crying about what happened, I've had nightmares about it, I swore off boys and sex because they meant the same thing in my mind, and that was a place I couldn't go, but you changed that for me, so to answer your question, yes I've thought about this, and yes, I think I've made my choice for the right reasons, and yes, I think you're the one for me. That's three yes votes in a row, Nick; you can't get better than that! You're not rid of me just yet, Nicholas Davies, older brother of mine, emphasis on 'mine'!"
I grinned down at her. She really was stunning, fresh and beautiful, still innocent and trusting, and my heart went out to her all over again. I wanted her, but I could feel deep down inside, in that instinctual part of me that knew what was really going on, that I had to go slowly with her, let her set the pace, so we could make this work.
She hugged me, throwing her arms around me, the blaze of pain as her palms slapped my shoulder blades waking me up in a hurry. "Ashley...my back...my back...!" and she instantly let go, concern written all over her face.
Oh gosh Nicky, I'm sorry, I forgot, please baby, take your shirt off, I want to see if I started you bleeding again!"
I smiled at her. "I see, a cunning ploy to get me naked! I've got your number now, Miss Lowry!" I teased her, and she lightly slapped my arm as she unbuttoned my shirt and pulled it down to look at my back and shoulders. There were a few small blood spots on the fabric, but nothing else. She took the opportunity to look properly at my injuries, checking on the state of the cuts and bruises.
"It's starting to heal, but it still looks chewed-up. You look like you've been flogged. You really should have had these looked at, it's gonna be permanently scarred baby, no question! You can tell our kids it happened when you were saving me from a shark attack, be the big hero-daddy!"
I grinned at that. "There's only one teeny, negligible, hardly worth mentioning little flaw in your plan, princess; no sharks in Albany!"
She pouted. "All right, we tell them the truth; that mommy's a screamer and she likes to claw while she's doing the belly-rub! Would they buy that?"
I laughed. "Ashley, you're a very naughty girl and a bad influence, no wonder my mother told me not to play with you!" I followed that up with a gentle pinch of her pneumatic little bum-cheek, making her jump and giggle. She helped me put my shirt back on, not that I needed it, but it was nice to feel her nimble little hands pulling my shirt straight and popping the buttons back in; and suddenly, I was transported back to my childhood, memories of Barbara dressing me when I was small suddenly bright and vivid, her smile as she showed me how to line up my buttons and do my shoelaces into proper bows. Two big tears rolled down my cheeks as the guilt I still had rolling around inside reared up and cannoned into me, reminding me how little I'd done for her, and four days ago, only four days, I'd left her and she'd...she'd...!
"Nicky? Nicky!" Ashley was holding my face in both hands, staring into my eyes. "Nicky, what is it, what happened, why are you crying? Talk to me, baby!"
At that, all my self control dissolved, and I held her tightly, all my shame and guilt at leaving her to her fate roiling inside me, image after image of Barbara flashing though my mind; her sitting with me at the breakfast table, chatting before I had to go to school, her tucking me in at night when I was small and calling me 'Little St Nick' before blowing me a kiss as she turned off the light, her sweet smile, and those terrible bruises and cuts on her arms and face from my father and his scotch and his belt and his fists. I'd never done anything for her, and now I never could, she was gone, at the end, all I had done was run, and I'd left her behind...
I slumped down to sit on the ground, uncaring where I was, my awakened guilt and misery raw and fresh, searing me all over again. I had forgotten her, just four days and I'd already forgotten her! How could I have been so thoughtless, so wrapped up in my own new world that I'd let her go just like that? I deserved some of the blame for what happened to her, she'd tried to protect me, and all I'd done was run, I'd left her and run, I hadn't tried hard enough to save her, she was my world and I'd done nothing to take her away from what was coming, it should have been me, she didn't have to die, I should burn, I should...
"Nick, baby, Nicky, what is it, tell me, please...!" I could hear Ashley's voice, but it was making no sense over the noise of my memories, Barbara shrieking and laughing as I chased her in the garden with an especially long earthworm in my hand, or her telling me folktales from all over England, her soft sweet voice reading to me from 'Dragon in the Harbour' and 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader', her helpless cries as he battered her.
I felt someone tugging me to my feet, but it was a remote sensation, something happening to someone else, and the drive home was a blur of impressions, jarring confusingly with the tumult in my head as I tried desperately to rebuild her, to work out a way that the last few days couldn't have happened so I could have her back whole and safe, so that my shame could be wiped out and that yawning chasm of guilt down the middle of me would close.
We must have arrived home, the next thing I remember is Mother helping me out of the car, but I was such a mess, shaking, crying, gabbling hysterically, that I'm not even sure I'm remembering a true event. But I was home, so Ashley must have gotten me here somehow. I heard her on the phone in the other room.
"Judy? I need your dad, Nick's had some sort of flashback, or breakdown, something, but he's in a real mess, he needs help, and all I could think of was your dad, could you ask him. Could you come as well, please, Nicky's in a bad way. Hurry, Jude, please!"
Then Ashley was with me, sitting astride me, her fingers interlaced behind my neck, pulling me up to look at her, her voice softly thundering in my ears, speaking slowly and deliberately, but still making almost no sense.
"Nicky, look at me, look at me! Dr. Nixon's on his way over, he's going to look at you, can you talk, can you tell him what's going on? Nicky, hon
ey, it's me, look at me!" Mother watched this with a look comprised of a strange mix of surprise, sadness and vindication, like she'd been proved right over something, not that I was in any real condition to draw conclusions from that; I was still wondering if the top of my head had come unscrewed and God was punching my brain for me.
Minutes or hours later there was a knock at the door and Mother answered, letting in Dr. Nixon, with Judy trailing him, who almost immediately went into a huddle with Ashley in the dining room. I remember him looking into my eyes and questioning me, but I don't have any idea what answers I gave, if any. At some point he unbuttoned my shirt and had mother help him roll me over to look at my back, and I remember him saying "His father did that? How? So mother told him. He gave a snort, and checked it over, saying that it was healing nicely, no signs of infection or reopening of any of the partially healed cuts.
He gave me a quick squirt of something up my nostrils, and asked Ashley and Judy to sit with me while he talked with Mother in the hallway.
"Mrs. Lowry, I gave Nick a shot of Midazolam, it's a mild sedative-hypnotic, it should calm him down, at least enough so he can get some sleep tonight. From what I can see, he's suffering from delayed emotional shock of some sort, coupled with stress, fatigue, and the after-effects of that beating; he's been holding it off pretty well but something triggered this...episode, some memory trigger that's caused a flashback. Whatever the cause, some sort of catharsis seems to have been achieved, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't be sure what I'm seeing here. He's calmed down, so I think he'll be OK for now, but I'd like to see him again tomorrow. What brought this on?"
"Baby, what set Nicky off?" asked Mother, and Ashley told her she was looking at my back, she'd been helping me button up my shirt, when I'd started crying and talking to Barbara. Mother explained to Dr. Nixon who Barbara was, and what had happened to her, how she'd refused to leave with me, and instead had killed herself.
Dr. Nixon looked pensive. "That probably explains a lot. He's obviously still reacting to the news of her death, plus the aftermath of what happened to him. I met him earlier with Ashley when she dropped some assignments off for Judy. How does he come to be living with you?"
"He's my son, his father took him to England over 18 years ago, he's just come home." replied Mother, oblivious to the fact that we'd not mentioned our connection when we met the doctor earlier that day.
Dr. Nixon said nothing, but Ashley went pale, then red while Judy stared at her wide-eyed, before grinning slowly and nudging her suggestively. I watched this byplay uncomprehendingly; right now all I wanted was Barbara, but she was gone, forever, and I needed her so badly I could taste it.
Dr. Nixon chatted for a few more minutes with Mother, and then made to leave, asking Judy if she wanted to come along.
"No thanks Dad, I want to talk to Ashley, help her keep an eye on Nick, she'll drop me home later, right Ash?" said Judy, mugging furiously.
"What? Oh...yes, of course, I'll drop her off later, Dr. Nixon, don't worry!" said Ashley, avoiding his eye. Dr. Nixon started to say something and thought better of it, shook hands with Mother again and left.
Mother came back into the room, shooed the girls out and quickly helped me undress, pulling the sheets back up over me.
"You get some rest now Nicky, I'll bring you something to eat a little later, OK?" she smiled, and I nodded, although I didn't want anything, I just wanted to sleep. When she left, Ashley came back in and sat next to the bed, and Judy perched at the foot of the bed, grinning archly at me.
"Nicky, do you know who I am?" asked Ashley, and I smiled at such a silly question. Of course I knew, her name was...Ashley?
I looked at her uncertainly, memory still tumbling and whirling, her face one of a whole stream of memories that I couldn't quite grab hold of, all I knew was that she was important to me, although the reason why was just out of my grasp.
"Leave him, Ashley, he's in shock," said Judy, "I don't think he knows his own name right now. He'll be OK after he's had some rest; don't worry, girl, your secret's safe with me, I'm just jealous I don't have a hot brother to manhandle!"
Ashley looked troubled. "You don't think we're...sick, or, or, perverts or something do you? Because I can't help it, I love him, and he loves me, and we fit together like it was supposed to be; it doesn't feel wrong, just very, very right. Can you understand that, Jude? Really?" pleaded Ashley and Judy just grinned at her.
"'course I understand, Ashley, who you want is up to you, I'm not gonna judge, especially when you consider some of the morons I've dated in the past; at least Nick's a real guy, what you see is what you get, and he's got a bad case of you; he couldn't take his eyes off you, not once! Fuck, I should be lucky enough to have a brother like him; all I've got is a moron cousin who keeps grabbing my tits!"
Ashley smiled. "Thanks, Jude, I needed to hear that. Come on, let's leave Nicky to get some sleep, dinner's ready, I hope you like pork chops!"
As they were leaving, Judy smiled at Ashley and said; "You should have asked my dad to stay, I think he's interested in your mom; he could hardly take his eyes off her ass!"
Ashley spun around, a look of shock on her face. "Judy Nixon, what did you just say?"
Judy grinned back, completely unperturbed.
"I said,' you should have asked...!"
"I heard what you said, Judy, I wanna know what you mean by it!" interrupted Ashley.
Judy looked her in the eye.
"Ash, your Mom's cute, my dad's single, he's coming back to see Nick tomorrow, and for the record, my dad NEVER makes house-calls, and he was all goo-goo, dreamy-eyed when he left, it was sickening, really, so yeah, maybe we should get them together, see what happens, who knows...!"
Ashley smiled at the thought.
"It would be kind of cool for her to date someone, she's been alone for four years now, and you know what it's been like for us, for her, all...this, around us, maybe you're right..."
Their voices faded as they went into the dining room, and I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to sleep, exhaustion rising up out of nowhere and pulling my eyes shut.
I woke early, the sounds of Mother getting ready to go to work clear and distinct in the early morning. She looked in on me, and smiled back when I smiled at her.
"Good morning, sleepyhead, how are you this morning? You had us all quite worried yesterday, so Ashley's taking the day off to stay with you in case you need anything. Dr. Nixon is also coming to see you later, so you just rest, you've been overdoing things a little and you need to get your strength up. See you tonight, honey, and listen to what Ashley tells you!" she smiled mock sternly.
I heard her telling Ashley I was awake, and to listen out for me, and then the sound of the front door closing and the car pulling away. I daydreamed for a while, until I felt eyes on me, and there was Ashley in the bedroom doorway, wearing a longish T-shirt and panties and grinning broadly.
"Hi Nicky, need some company?" she drawled, and my cock immediately jumped. Without waiting for an answer, she peeled off her T-shirt and panties and slid into bed next to me, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me close.
"God, baby, you had me worried last night! How the hell I got you back in the car is a mystery, you weigh a ton, you big slab of meat! What happened, Nicky, I was so scared!"
I told her what I remembered, that I'd flashed-back on Barbara looking after me when I was small, and how in the midst of all the new things happening to me, especially Ashley, I'd pushed her to the back of my mind, virtually forgotten her, after just a few days, when she'd been the centre of my life from early childhood!
All the things I remembered about Barbara, and my feelings for her, rushed out of me, snapshot memories, of Barbara holding me and comforting when the dream monsters came for me, kissing it better when hurt myself, walking me to school, her hand in mine, sitting me on her lap on chilly evenings, wrapping a robe around the two of us and making me warm and drowsy, then putting me to bed, and kissing me good night, a
million childhood moments wrapped around the woman I'd loved most in the entire world, and now she was gone.
Once, and only once, had I tried to help her, and a few hours later she was dead, and I could never again hold her, tell her I was sorry, tell her I needed her; all my last chances, to tell her how much I loved her, to take her away somewhere safe, to make it right with her, had been taken from me in one blow. Once again the hollow loss and sick despair rose up and washed over me, the guilt a bright venomous thread through all of it, a stinging lash of reproach for not doing enough when she needed me most, and suddenly Ashley was there, holding me, looking deeply into my eyes.
"Nicky, listen to me, listen!" she said, softly but intently. "She's always going to be there inside you, just like daddy's always there inside me, his voice, the smell of his cologne, the feel of his bristly chin on Saturday mornings when he didn't shave because he didn't have to, and anytime I need to I can talk to him, and hear his voice, and feel connected to him again. That's where Barbara is now, inside you, and you'll always have her, no-one can take her away from you ever again. She may not have been your mother, but she was your Mom when you needed one; she made you who you are, and we'll always be grateful for that."
"She kept you safe, and at the end, she sent you away to make sure you stayed safe, that was her biggest gift to you. Treasure her memory, Nicky, and remember how much she loved you. Baby, you didn't do anything wrong, at the end you did exactly what she wanted you to do. She loved you, and so she let you go, respect that, Nicky, remember her as she was, and keep her alive inside you, just like I keep my daddy alive inside me!"
