by Mary Jaine
I realised she was crying, and without thinking I hugged her, letting her cry against my chest, her tears wetting my tee-shirt as she cried silently. Eventually she stopped, my hand slowly rubbing her back as I tried my best to soothe her, to take the fear and sorrow away. Finally she sighed and sat up, looking me in the eyes as she spoke softly, earnestly to me.
"Our father did a lot of harm to us, to all of us; he really was an evil man, but you're not him, you're nothing like him, no matter what you believe he's done to you. You think he's made you into an outsider, well you're wrong; there's a whole lot of things waiting inside for you, Bobby, all you have to do is want them; we want you to come in and be warm, be the part of us that's missing! We all have a past we'd rather forget, but we can't do that; it's part of us, but that doesn't mean it has to tell us who we are for the rest of our lives. Bobby, we can have a future, all of us, as a family, let the past go so you can have a future with us, with your family!"
Her words were spinning and echoing inside me, and I could feel the truth of them, and her sincerity; she really did need me, and it was a strange and not unpleasant feeling; to be needed, to have another soul actually need me to care about them. My fears and feelings of isolation and rejection simply melted away as this wonderful girl spread her soul out for me and invited me to wrap it about myself, the realisation that I could be part of something as simple, as profound, and as warm as a family suddenly filling me. Shari was my sister, and I realised I loved her, her appeal to me for protection and support kick-starting something inside me, those protective instincts I had just discovered rearing-up again and making me determined to keep my sisters, my family, safe from harm at all costs.
Shari watched as my inner turmoil resolved itself, finally smiling as I smiled at her.
"Okay, you've convinced me! I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to, this is all...so new to me; Rick comes home, and he brings my sisters with him, sisters I never knew I had, and I find out things about my family that I wish I'd never heard, but most of all, I find my sisters are smart, brave, loving, and truly, truly beautiful; at least my father got one thing right in his whole poisonous life!"
Shari blushed and hugged me again, laying her cheek against my chest.
"Hold me, Bobby, please..." she sighed, and of course I did, lying back down so she could lie next to me, spooned against me with my arm around her. I had no ulterior motive for holding her like this; I had to get up for a long day's work in a few hours, and this was the most restful way. Shari obviously realised she was safe with me, pulling my arm further around herself into a more comfortable position. Her warmth, the restful position we were lying in, I was starting to drift away when she suddenly turned to face me so she could hug me closer.
"I meant what I said yesterday, Bobby!" she whispered; "I'm still your big sister, and big sisters look after their little brothers! Now go to sleep, you've had a long day; don't worry about anything; I'll watch over you!"
I grinned to myself at her words, but I have to be honest; it felt so nice to be held and lulled to sleep, so comforting, something I had no memory of ever being done to me before, and I fell asleep with the sound of her breathing and her hand on my waist, her warm body pressed against mine, no sexual overtures or seductiveness, just simple warmth and comfort from her.
I woke just ahead of my alarm, as I had always done, to find I'd rolled over in my sleep and was now lying spooned against her. Shari was fast asleep, still fully dressed but with a corner of my covers pulled over herself and her arm still thrown protectively around my waist. I slid out of bed as stealthily as I could so as not to disturb her, and pulled the covers up over her.
"...get up in a minute, mummy..." she muttered, then sank back into deep sleep again. I silently collected my clothes and slipped into the bathroom to wash, shave and brush my teeth. Once finished, I dressed in there so as not to disturb anyone, but I guess I wasn't quiet enough; as I came out, the girls' bedroom door opened and Yaz peered out.
"Shari...?" she whispered.
"No, it's me, Shari's still asleep." I whispered back, noting the look on her face. "Don't worry, she's fine; she fell asleep watching me, she must have been really tired, so I left her there; you can check on her if you like, just don't disturb her!"
Yaz made to go to my room, but stopped when I spoke to her again, never raising my voice above a soft whisper.
"Yaz, I just want to say sorry for scaring you or making you feel like I didn't want you here, or for anything else I might have done; I didn't understand, but I do now; Shari explained it all to me, and I'm sorry I didn't say this before, but I want to, now; I'm glad you came here, I'm glad my sisters are here, and I promise I'll always look out for them! I'm sorry I made you afraid of me, I didn't do it on purpose, and I'll never do it again. Can you forgive me?"
Yaz grinned as she stretched up on tip-toes to kiss my cheek.
"Shari said you'd be as sweet as Ricky, you just had to work some things out for yourself first, and she was right. I think I'm going to like having big brothers as sweet as you two!"
A huge weight seemed to lift off my chest, and I realised I'd almost stopped breathing as I waited for her answer. More than anything in the world right now I needed the good opinion of this beautiful girl, my baby sister, and I felt almost light-headed with relief when she smiled and actually spoke directly to me for almost the first time, no longer wary of me.
"I wish you didn't have to go to work today, Bobby!" she whispered, "you look so tired all the time, you need some proper rest and proper food; you didn't have any dinner last night, and now you've got to go and work all day long; Shari's worried about you...and so am I; stay home, Bobby, please, let us look after you; at least you'll get something to eat!"
I was strongly tempted to go along with her, but I'd already committed to working that day, so I had to regretfully decline her request. Yaz looked sad, then once again stretched up and planted a kiss on my cheek.
"There'll be a proper dinner waiting for you tonight, so you be back in time to eat, okay? The least Shari and I can do for you is make sure you get some proper nourishment after what you've been living on, so be here for dinner, Bobby, that's an order!"
I spent that day in a haze; all the unpleasantness that usually accompanied the work seemed to pass me by, and the day seemed to fly by; before I knew it, it was knocking-off time; this time, instead of dawdling along, taking my time cleaning and storing the sweeping machine I gave it a quick once-over, threw my coverall in the laundry chute and hurried home.
Yaz hadn't been lying when she said there would be proper dinner waiting for me; she and Shari had produced a meal fit for a king; roast beef, melting Yorkshire puddings, golden, crisp roast potatoes, steamed cabbage, roasted carrots and parsnips, thick, unctuous, red-wine gravy, and a home-made apple and blackberry pie for dessert. Dad had never laid on such a spread for us; he'd always believed that excess was a sinful waste of finite resources, and that enough was as good as a feast; at least, that's what he told us as we ate cheap food, and not too much of that, either; it's only with hindsight I can see now that he was a tight-fisted cheapskate who begrudged spending any money on quality foodstuffs, preferring instead to buy the very cheapest cuts of meat and finding ways for us to eke it out from meal to meal; he was a very rich man, he could have indulged us, but he never did.
I will admit here that I gorged myself; the more I ate, the more a smiling Shari or Yaz piled on my plate, and I was in heaven. Every so often I'd look up and see Rick smiling at me, realising with a small shock just how handsome he really was; no wonder Yaz was in love with him. As I looked at Ricky I realised something else; apart from his dark hair and grey eyes, he had a strong resemblance to Nicky, that same grin, that same quizzical lift of his eyebrow, the same habit of raking his hair back with his fingers.
I was suddenly almost overcome with remorse for the way I'd always been with my big brother, the feeling hand in hand with the need to see my big brother aga
in, to see him and speak to him again, to hear his voice, and most of all, to tell him just how sorry I was. Shari noticed the change in me, her glance taking in my watching Rick as he talked, laughed and sparred with Yaz, and her own lifted eyebrow as she silently asked me what was wrong. I shook my head slightly, not wanting to disturb Rick and Yaz as they talked and flirted, and Shari nodded slightly, acknowledging that we'd speak later.
After dinner, Shari volunteered me to help her clear up, Rick and Yaz grinning as they dodged that particular bullet and hurrying away to stretch out and watch TV in the family room before they got volunteered anyway.
"What's the matter, Bobby?" she asked me as we washed and racked the dishes and silverware, "what happened in there? You suddenly looked like you'd seen a ghost, what happened?"
I looked away, unable to face her.
"I suddenly realised just how much Rick looks and sounds like Nicky; and when I realised that, I knew I wanted my big brother back, even if just for a minute or so, just long enough to tell him how sorry I was for being such a prick; we made it easy for Nicky to leave; we made him an outcast in his own home, just as much as dad did; Nicky was one of the nice guys, in hindsight I know now he tried to connect with us, and we snubbed him every time, we pushed him away, and we watched while our mother took him because we didn't want him and we didn't want her. It's no wonder they were so close; he needed her, she needed us, but we didn't need her, so she and Nicky became outcasts together. I'm so, so sorry, Shari, I fucked-up so bad with Nicky, and I know people don't get second chances, but I'd really like to have one with Nicky, because I really need him right now!"
My words felt like stones in my throat, and my heart was like a lump of lead; Yaz and Shari had taken away the anger and the bitterness inside me, but that had left room for the guilt and sorrow to flow in; guilt over what we'd stood by and let our father do to our mother, guilt over the way we'd snubbed, alienated, and pushed away our big brother, and now loss and sorrow for both of them, that they were both gone forever, and we were largely responsible for that.
I felt more than heard Shari step up behind me, and then her arms were around my waist as she hugged me and pressed her cheek against my back.
"Bobby, tell me about Nicky; I want to know about my big brother. Tell me what he looked like, what he sounded like, what he liked, what he did. Nicky is my brother too, and I want to know about him. Talk to me, Bobby, but not here!"
I turned around and she took my hand and led me back into the sitting room, Yaz and Rick huddled together on the couch watching TV, or so they'd have us believe; their flushed faces and bright eyes told another story completely, and Shari looked at me, again with the raised eyebrow, and I shrugged; I didn't see any need for them to sneak around, we already knew what was going on.
Shari pulled a hassock in front of both of them and sat on it, looking at both of them, a hand on each of their knees. Both of them looked apprehensively at her, and I think they guessed what was coming.
"Yaz, Ricky, it's OK, Bobby and I, we...know, about the two of you, about how you feel about each other...and what you've been doing. Before you say anything, let me have my say. First off, Ricky, do you love my sister, and remember, she's your little sister too, so what do you say?"
Rick looked at me, at Shari, then Yaz, staring intently into her eyes.
"Yes, God, yes, more than anything! I love you Yaz, and one day I want to marry you! Is that enough for you, Shari?"
Shari looked at Yaz, and again quirked her eyebrow.
"And what about you, baby, what do you have to say?"
Yaz looked at Shari for a long moment, then slipped her hand into Rick's and turned to him.
"Ricky, I love you, and I always will. Shari, I love him, and he loves me, and we want to be together, and if we have to leave, we will, but we're staying together!"
As she spoke, Rick's arm slipped around her shoulder and pulled her close to him, while Yaz looked at me to see what I was going to say. Shari also looked at me, again with a slight lift of her eyebrow, obviously feeling that it was time their big brother spoke to both of them. I sat down and grinned at them, watching the tension drain as I did.
"Rick, Yasmin, you're both adults, you're both over eighteen, so what you want to do is entirely up to you. Shari and me, we're not your parents, just your older brother and sister, and you don't need our approval or permission, or anything like that. Speaking as your big brother I have to say I don't have any objections to you being together; actually it's none of my business, this is your home, and I don't want you to leave; I only just got you! We saw you...together, the other night, by accident, we weren't snooping or anything, and what I saw was a young couple who looked and sounded like they were in love. Rick, what Shari says goes for me, too; Yaz is still your little sister, and mine too, so don't mess up! And while I'm on the subject, I have to say I admire your taste!"
Yaz dimpled at me, and Rick looked relieved, grinning that grin at me, the one that Yaz obviously found irresistible, and, I realised, suddenly looking uncannily like Nicky, just how I remembered him from the very last time I saw him. I had to grin back as I continued.
"If you want to be in love, that's none of my business either, but this is your home, why not be in love here. I think Shari feels the same. Anyway, you don't have to go, this place is big enough for the two of you to have your own space and we still get to keep this family together; I think we all need each other right now, so what do you think?"
Rick nodded at me, his eyes fixed on mine, while Yaz climbed off the sofa and came over to hug me and kiss me on the top of my head.
"Thank you for understanding, Bobby!" she whispered, then rubbed noses with me and giggled before flopping back down next to Rick. Shari smiled and winked at me, telling me I'd handled it correctly, then got up off her hassock and came to sit on the arm of my chair, leaning against me with her head resting on her hand along the back of the chair. She looked over at Rick and Yaz, who were deeply involved in a whispered conversation, and cleared her throat meaningfully.
"Before we came in here, Bobby and I were talking about someone who should be here with us; Bobby was going to tell me about Nicky, our older brother, I think you two should hear this too. Bobby?"
Slowly, reluctantly at first, but encouraged by the occasional gentle pat or rub on my arm, I began talking about the best one of us, our brother Nick. I spoke about how we'd never wasted an opportunity to make life difficult for him, tattling to our father, making-up stuff about him, grinning between us like idiots when our father slapped or punished him, making sure that he got the tail-end of everything, making demands on our father's strict budgets that left nothing spare for him. We always had good clothes, but now, when I told it, I realised that Barbara had had to scrimp and save to stop him walking around in the same threadbare clothes year after year.
And yet he'd tried to get through to us; as I told the tale, instance after instance where he'd reached out to us suddenly flashed into view, recognised by hindsight, but rejected out of hand at the time by the selfish, bratty, piggy little vermin we'd been. It was a searing story for me to tell, because now I recognised what a misery we'd helped to make of that boy's life, and yet he never lost his sense of humour, he never forgot how to laugh and joke, even if we didn't get him half the time; Barbara did, and the sound of the two of them laughing about something in the kitchen always infuriated us, because it meant he still had something we hadn't taken away from him yet.
By the time I was finished, Yaz was looking at me with a shocked expression on her face, and Rick had his face buried in the crook of her neck, his own shoulders shaking. I was wrung out by the whole thing, but it had been cathartic, I felt cleaned out for the first time. I slumped back in the chair, emotionally drained, shocked and ashamed of myself, finally discovering what it feels like to look the Gorgon in the face; I'd dug deep down inside myself and pulled out all the stuff that had accumulated, the parts of me that should never have been, and showed it all
to the light, and while I felt deeply soiled by what I'd finally admitted to, paradoxically I also, finally, felt clean for the first time ever.
Yaz pulled Rick closer, smoothing his hair as she whispered to him, soothing him while Shari and I watched as my brother paid his own price for what we'd allowed to happen to Nicky. I felt a soft hand on my forehead as Shari curled her arm around me and pulled me close to her.
"Poor baby, carrying that around, no wonder you feel so isolated. You can let all that go now, Bobby, you shared it and it's gone now. From what you say about Nicky, I think he's forgiven you, he seems like he wouldn't have carried any of this around with him. One day we'll find him, or he'll come home, you'll see. Have you any pictures of him? I'd like to see what my big brother looks like."
I shook my head, but Rick looked up, his eyes wide, and sat bolt upright, like he'd just had a severe shock. He got up and almost ran out of the room, and I heard him run upstairs, all the way up to the attics. I wondered where he'd gone, and why, when we heard him running down the stairs again. He burst into the room, and dumped a pile of photograph albums on the coffee table.
"These were packed away in Barbara's...our mother's stuff; there are pictures of Nicky in there!"
Shari picked up one of the albums and began leafing through it. I looked over her shoulder and immediately felt my eyes pricking; there she was, Barbara, our mother, my mother. She looked so young, so beautiful, picture after picture of her, some alone, but mostly shots of her with a sweet, cherubic little blonde-haired boy.
"Nicky?" asked Shari gently, and I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Rick was also leafing through an album, tears on his cheeks as he took in picture after picture of our mother, laughing, smiling, holding Nicky close to her, his face open and trusting, holding hands with his mum, OUR mum. I leafed through another album, again, pictures of our mother, of Nicky, laughing, studying, playing, and running, but no pictures of us, not one.
