by Nina Kaye
Several minutes later, I’m on stage behind a giant black curtain doing the final sound checks with the band. Sammy helps me set the mic up just as I need it.
‘All set, Alex? I know you’re nervous. Best advice I can give is don’t make eye contact with any of the crowd. Not until you’re in your stride.’
‘OK, thanks, that’s helpful.’ I take a deep shaky breath.
‘You’ve got this.’ He grabs my shoulder and squeezes it affectionately. ‘It’s not that different to singing karaoke.’
As he makes his way back across to his position and slings his guitar strap over his shoulder, I suddenly have an idea.
‘Sammy, what do you think of redheads?’
‘Men or women?’
‘Women, obviously. You mentioned the other night you’d like one in your life.’
‘I don’t really have a type if that’s what you’re asking. There are some really hot redheads out there. Nicole Kidman and Isla Fisher for a start.’
I flash him a little grin. ‘In that case, there’s someone I need to introduce you to later.’
Minutes later, the curtain is drawn back, the stage lights flash and we burst to life with our opening track, one of the band’s own songs, ‘Space Poets’. It’s lively, rocky, bursting with energy. The perfect gig opener; and the crowd instantly love it. This is an enormous relief to me as I stand centre stage, belting out the lyrics, fuelled by their support. My nerves are almost immediately extinguished by the sight of so many elated faces bobbing up and down in the darkness, and the face of one person in particular: Matt. He’s right at the front, dancing like a maniac, whooping and cheering me on.
The adrenaline courses through me and I lose myself in the song. It feels like no more than a moment before the band are playing the outro and Sammy’s addressing the crowd before launching us into another of the band’s own pieces. We play one track after the next; we mix in some well-known covers, but I’m surprised to see the crowd are responding more enthusiastically to the band’s own tracks. Some are even singing along.
As I bounce lightly on my toes, interacting playfully with my fellow band members and the crowd, I feel a surge of happiness like I’ve never felt before. It’s like a drug, taking me through such a high. I feel invincible. Unstoppable. I’m not the woman with MS, I can conquer the world.
I don’t want it to end but it does, to rapturous applause and wolf-whistling. It’s a moment like no other, taking that bow and feeling the stamping appreciation reverberate through the venue. Basking in the experience, just as Sasha suggested, the pieces start to fall into place and my brain finally offers me the answer I’ve been seeking.
* * *
‘OMG, you were amazing!’ Sasha launches herself on me when I, Sammy and the other band members emerge from backstage.
‘Oof! Thanks, Sash.’ I hug her back.
‘How did it feel, Lex? You were so natural up there, a pro rock star. Looked like you’d been doing it for ever.’
‘It actually felt that way too.’ I grin at her, still buzzing from the gig.
Sasha melts into the background as Matt steps forward and pulls me in for a stomach-swirling kiss. ‘You were incredible, Alex.’
‘I second that.’ Sammy appears at our side, undeterred by the fact that we’re locked in a passionate embrace. ‘Matt, mate, you’re a lucky bastard. So many blokes would kill to go out with a hot rock chick.’
As he says these words, a familiar feeling of guilt intrudes on my consciousness and I untangle myself from Matt.
‘Not sure how I feel about being called a “chick”, Sammy, but I know the intention is good.’ I give him a little wink.
‘Where are the post-gig drinks tonight?’ Matt asks.
‘Got us some VIP passes for a place round the corner,’ says Sammy.
‘I hope you have an extra one.’ I grab Sasha by the hand and pull her forward. ‘Everyone, this is my best friend, Sasha. She’ll being joining us.’
‘Ah, this is a surprise,’ says Matt. ‘Great to meet you, Sasha. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
‘Right back at you.’ Sasha grins at him.
Sammy takes in Sasha’s tousled red hair and bright blue eyes and lets out a low whistle. ‘Dang, she’s cute. This why you were asking me about redheads, Alex? All I can say is, I think red Afro hair is the coolest thing around.’
I bite my lip to stifle a laugh as Sasha looks at us, confused.
‘He’s suggesting he’d like to have babies with you,’ I whisper in her ear and she turns scarlet, but at the same time looks elated by this comment.
‘Enchanté.’ Sammy steps towards Sasha and kisses her hand. ‘May I escort you to the next venue?’
‘Hello. Of course.’ Sasha giggles as he leads her off towards the exit.
‘Nice bit of matchmaking.’ Matt snakes his arm round my waist.
We follow the rest of the band out of the building and onto New Street, where there are plenty of lively Saturday night revellers in transit, probably moving from one bar to the next. ‘You ready for a drink?’
‘Definitely. You go ahead. I need to make a quick call.’
‘No probs.’
Matt catches up with the others and as soon as he’s out of earshot, I look up Dom in my contacts and hit the call button. He answers on the fourth ring.
‘Lex, hi. Sorry, give me a moment. I’m just out with the guys.’
I hear garbled voices and distorted music for a few moments until his voice comes back down the line clearly.
‘How are you? Everything OK? You’re not unwell, are you?’
‘No, I’m fine, Dom. I’m just out with Sasha and a few others.’
‘Didn’t realise Sasha was with you, that’s nice. Who are the others?’
I hesitate, unsure what to say.
‘I see.’ Dom’s voice loses a bit of its enthusiasm. ‘So that’s not fizzled out then. I was hoping you might be calling to say it was all over and you’re ready for me to hit the button on moving down.’
‘I… erm…’ I cringe, annoyed at myself as I realise I’m about to ruin Dom’s night out with his friends. ‘Actually, maybe it can wait.’
‘Hey, only joking, kitten. You know that. It’s been so great chatting with you the last couple of weeks. Can’t blame a guy for being a bit impatient, eh?’
‘No, I guess not.’ I kick lightly at a bollard in discomfort, suddenly feeling the chill in the air. ‘Look, Dom. I am phoning about us, but I’m afraid it’s not to tell you what you want to hear.’
‘Ah.’
Taking a deep breath, I blurt it all out. ‘Dom, I’m so sorry. I really am. It’s just… I’ve found a new life here and it’s changed me more than I realised. I’m just not sure that we’re right for each other any more.’
‘You mean you like this other guy better.’
‘What? No. It’s not that simple. Tonight, when I was on stage, it just—’
‘What do you mean you were “on stage”?’
I give myself a mental kick – I hadn’t mentioned the band to Dom before now, due to it being Matt-related. ‘I’ve joined a band, as their lead singer. They’re Matt’s friends and I had my first gig with them tonight. It was amazing. I felt so alive and it just made me realise that this change I’ve made in my life has been for a reason.’
‘Right.’ Dom clears his throat. ‘I thought the reason was your MS, Lex.’
‘It was. But now, my illness aside, this is the life I should be living.’
‘You mean you’re on a high after your gig.’
‘Well, yes, but that’s not all it is.’
There’s a short silence at the end of the line. ‘Lex, have you really thought this through? Things are going great for you right now. But will that last? Isn’t this just another case of denial? How can you expect to sustain that lifestyle?’
I frown at my phone. ‘What… what do you mean?’
‘I mean, what happens to your place in the band when you relapse? Do they know ab
out your situation? Does Matt even know about it? I’m guessing not. And when he finds out, do you think he’s just going to shrug and say it doesn’t matter?’
‘I… it’ll be fine.’
‘That’s your answer? Have you thought this through or are you just ignoring it? Because you can’t, Lex. No matter how much you want to. Joining a band on top of your aspirations at work – it’s all admirable. But it would be a lot for a healthy person, never mind someone with your condition.’
I feel myself smart with annoyance. But unfortunately, Dom has sliced open a deep vulnerability, which snuffs out any ability to face up to him.
‘Look, Dom, I’m doing the best I can. I can’t live a lie just because I’m ill.’
‘So, I’d be the lie? Nice, Lex.’ Hurt seeps through his words.
‘No, I don’t mean that, I—’
‘It’s OK, I get it. I’m not exciting enough for you. I’m offering you a lifetime of love, stability and support, but it’s not enough.’
‘It’s not that—’
‘Then what is it?’
‘It’s… you’re… you suffocate me, Dom. You want to play the rescuer all the time. You treat me like an invalid. Yes, I’m ill. Yes, my life is a bit more uncertain and I’m vulnerable to flare-ups. But that can’t be the focus day in, day out. I’m still me. I do love you, but I can’t have a life where I can’t breathe because you’re just as overbearing as my—’
‘Lex, I have a reality check for you. People give a shit. You are ill and they just care about you. Deal with it. This guy, the only reason he doesn’t see you that way is because he doesn’t know.’
As Dom’s words pour through the earpiece in my phone, I suddenly feel sick. ‘You… you don’t know that.’
‘Well, I’m not the one who has to find out. Good luck, Lex. I hope he’s worth it. Maybe my mates are right, I should just appreciate that I’ve had a lucky escape.’
With that, he cuts the call, leaving me in cold, blunt shock. I stand like a statue for several seconds, unable to fathom what’s just happened. Then as I come to, I lean on the bollard in front of me, taking several deep shaky breaths. Once I’ve composed myself enough to face the others, I turn in the direction of the bar – where I see Matt standing just feet away from me, looking very confused indeed.
Chapter 28
The breath is knocked out of me again as I make eye contact with Matt. I try desperately to read what’s going on behind those dark, penetrating eyes. How much did he hear? The end of that phone call gave glaringly obvious clues to the two things I’ve been hiding, out of fear he would run for his beloved hills. If he did overhear, there’s no avoiding the final showdown: right here, right now.
‘Hey,’ I manage finally.
‘Hey.’ He mirrors me in his reply but stays where he is.
‘Sorry, my call took longer than I expected.’
‘That’s why I came out.’
‘Right.’
‘Is everything OK, Alex? I wasn’t eavesdropping. I only came out when you hung up but from your reaction, I can tell it wasn’t good news.’
Relief floods through me. He didn’t overhear. This isn’t going to be the conversation I dreaded it might be. But two things are now very clear: he knows something’s up; and he does not deserve anything other than the truth. But not right now. This is not the time or the place.
‘I, erm… Matt, there is something I need to talk to you about…’
‘There’s a statement every bloke is keen to hear,’ he quips. ‘It’s you, not me, right?’
I remain rooted to the spot. ‘It’s nothing like that. There’s… a couple of things you should know, before this goes any further. But would you mind if we had this chat tomorrow? It’s been an exhausting – but obviously amazing – evening and I feel like we should be with our friends right now.’
He seems to consider this. ‘Of course. If that’s what you want. Whatever it is though, Alex, I doubt it will change anything for me. You could announce you’re an international assassin with alien ancestry and a third leg and I’d still be completely into you.’
I try to smile at his attempt at reassurance. ‘Right. Well, that’s good to know. Though I’d say the extra leg discovery is unlikely, given our recent slumber parties.’
‘That is true.’
A fleeting memory of our first night together in my apartment passes through my mind, sending my hormones into a spin. They’re then put firmly back in check as I also remember Matt’s previous comment about the kind of future he’s looking for: an equally active wife, two-point four children and two dogs – living the outdoor lifestyle, climbing lots of hills together. A future I can never give him. His comment about whatever I have to say not changing anything, while amusing and gallant, will quickly lose its significance once the enormity of what I have to share with him sinks in. As this realisation dawns, a swell of premature loss creeps up on me. I have to fight against the raw emotion so he doesn’t pick up on it.
‘Let’s get back to the others then,’ says Matt. ‘Whatever this is, we’ll tackle it tomorrow, yeah?’
He extends his hand, encouraging me to join him. It’s as if the glue that’s been rooting me to the spot comes unstuck. I dive into his arms, pulling him into me as tightly as I can, all too aware that it may be one of the last times I get to hold him in this way.
‘Hey.’ He soothes me, then lifts my chin and kisses me softly. ‘I don’t know where you’re at, but I want you to know I’m falling for you – hard.’
Though I feel exactly the same way, I stay quiet, too scared to expose myself in this way when there’s still too much to be revealed. Tomorrow I’ll be telling Matt I have a lifelong degenerative disease that means I can never be part of the future he’s so passionate about; as well as admitting to the fact I’ve been torn between him and my ex. Cue another ‘lucky escape’. It almost seems inevitable.
* * *
‘What have you two been up to?’ Sammy gives Matt a boisterous wink as we enter the VIP area of the bar, hand in hand.
‘That would be telling, mate.’ Matt gives him a friendly jab in the arm. ‘Gin and tonic, Alex?’
‘Yes please.’ I could certainly do with one after this rollercoaster of a night.
As Matt heads to the bar, I pretend to laugh along with the banter, while my mind is in turmoil over my conversation with Dom. It was never going to be easy. But the way he ended the call shocked me. His friends thought he’d had a lucky escape? I’ve hung out with them many times, considered them friends of mine too. How could they be so cruel? And why did Dom feel the need to share that? Was he just letting his emotions overwhelm him like before or was he trying to hurt me like I was hurting him? Whatever the reason, it further confirms that I’ve made the right decision.
I do still love Dom, but not in the way I used to. I’ve caught myself too many times thinking of him as a security blanket, the guy who’ll give me everything and accept my situation – if Matt doesn’t. That’s not right or fair. I can forgive Dom his outburst, he’s confused and he’s hurting. But I couldn’t forgive myself if I used him as my fallback position. If Matt walks once I’ve shared everything with him (which I fully expect him to), then I go on alone. I focus on all the good stuff, and if the right man eventually comes along, that’s a bonus.
‘You OK?’ Sasha extricates herself from her flirting with Sammy and lowers her voice as she sits down next to me. ‘Want to go to the toilets for a chat?’
‘Nah, I’m fine.’
‘You sure?’
‘I’m sure.’ I swallow thickly, then, keeping my voice low, I quickly fill Sasha in on what’s happened.
‘Oh, Lex. I’m sorry,’ says Sasha once I’m done. ‘But you’ve done the right thing. You’re doing the right thing. It’ll all work out, I promise.’
‘You can’t promise that, Sash.’
‘No, I can’t. But I get a really good feeling from Matt.’
‘I do too. I’m totally falling for him. But
no matter how great a person he is, he may not want to take things any further – and that’s absolutely his prerogative.’
‘I know. I guess…’
‘You just want it to work out. As do I.’
‘Exactly.’ She screws up her nose in frustration at having no control over the situation.
‘You two seem to be getting on well.’ I nod in the direction of Sammy.
‘He’s so sweet. I love his hair, it’s so funky. He’s asked me on a date already.’
‘Fast mover.’
‘I know. We’re going for brunch tomorrow.’
Sasha’s eyes are alight with excitement and anticipation. It’s so lovely to see after the hard time she’s had.
‘There you go.’ I give her a playful nudge. ‘You’ve not even moved here yet and you’ve already found yourself a Brummie. Is brunch straight after spending the night together? No walk of shame for you then.’
‘Stop it. Don’t jinx it, Lex. And we won’t be spending the night together. I just met him, like five minutes ago.’
‘All right, but I want a full run-down after—’
‘What are you two whispering about?’ Matt sets my drink down in front of me.
‘Oh… um…’ Sasha stumbles. ‘I was just… suggesting to Lex that she share with you the song she wrote.’
‘You’ve written a song?’ Sammy’s ears immediately prick up. ‘Let’s hear it.’
‘Yeah, let’s hear it,’ says Matt.
‘Thanks, Sash.’ I give her a look that says, ‘couldn’t you have come up with another excuse’, then turn to the guys. ‘How about you just read the lyrics yourself?’
I pass them my phone with the notepad app open. They pore over the words in front of them as I sit there cringing and staring daggers at Sasha. She simply shrugs in return.
‘Alex, this is really good,’ Sammy says eventually. ‘It could almost be a charity song, but there’s a deeper, more personal message there. What inspired you to write it?’
‘Oh… I…’ I glance at Sasha, whose face is a picture, having clocked that she’s thrown me into dangerous territory. ‘Just the way the world is right now. So much bad stuff going on, but also people being so self-involved. You know, obsessed with selfies, glued to their phones, living in a bubble. They don’t see the world as it really is. It’s sad because if everyone took a moment, it would make such a difference overall – hence the title.’
