by Nina Kaye
‘Maybe I do. You never gave me the chance to decide.’
‘Matt, please. Don’t do that. You know as well as I do how unlikely that is.’
‘Why is it so unlikely, Alex? Because that’s how things go in your head? People weigh up the logic and arrive at the obvious solution. Is that how you make your own decisions?’
‘I…’ I look away, unable to respond.
‘In deciding how I was going to react, you missed a few important factors. Like the fact that you’re different to any woman I’ve ever met – in such a good way. You’re beautiful, inside and out. As clichéd as that sounds, it’s true. And I’ve already fallen totally and completely in love with you.’
My heart starts to pound in my chest as I look back towards him and meet his eye. ‘What did you just say?’
‘I love you. I know it’s fast, but it’s true. So, if you want to call things off because you think you’re going to be a burden on me, or some nonsense like that, feel free. But know that it will be on you. I’m not walking away.’
I stare at him in astonishment, unable to speak.
‘You wrote in your song about a world where there’s so much hardship,’ Matt continues. ‘How you want people to care for others, not just themselves. “You’ve made a selfless gesture in a world where self-indulgence is promoted.” Why talk about wanting change that you yourself won’t accept? I want to care for you, Alex. I want to be your rock. Your MS is part of who you are and as much as I hate that this is happening to you, that’s not what I’d see every morning when I wake up to you. I’d see an amazing woman who’s full of spirit and determination. I’d be proud that you’d chosen me to share your life with and we’d face it together.’
As he finishes his wonderful tirade, tears spill down my cheeks. I’m trying so hard to keep it together but it’s just too much.
‘Do you really mean that? You’re not just feeling sorry for me? Because if you’ve got any doubt in your mind whatsoever—’
‘Seriously? Is what I just said not enough to convince you? What do you want – a proposal?’
‘Sorry. Definitely not. Way too soon for that.’ An involuntary giggle escapes from my mouth.
He’s right. So right. I decided how he would react to my situation and in doing so, I overlooked the connection between us, the feelings he has for me. I took the experiences I had with my family and Dom and applied the same formula. But Matt’s not them, he’s different. He’s just played his hand and there was some tough love in there. That’s not a guy who’s going to mollycoddle me and try to stop me from living my best life.
‘So, what happens now?’ I ask.
‘What happens is this.’
He gets up from his seat, leans in and kisses me, his hand cradling the back of my head as he does. He tastes so delicious, it takes me about thirty seconds to tune in to reality. I pull away from him suddenly.
‘Wait, I’ve got a flu virus. You shouldn’t be coming near me. You’ll catch it.’
‘It’s worth the risk.’ He starts to lean in again.
‘I’ve also not had a shower for two days. I must be totally disgusting.’
‘Have you brushed your teeth today?’
‘Yes, the nurses helped me by bringing a basin.’
‘That’s good enough for me.’ He swoops in and kisses me again before I can protest any more.
I loop my weak, exhausted arms round Matt’s neck, luxuriating in his closeness, his beard tickling my face. I can’t help worrying that I’m dreaming and I’m about to wake up to the depressing reality of a few hours ago. This was an impossible scenario then. But now it’s all real.
‘Oi, no kissing on the ward,’ the nurse who’s been looking after me calls as she makes her way past. We pull apart suddenly and she starts to laugh. ‘I’m only kidding. What do you think this is – prison? Nice to see you smiling, Alex.’
Matt and I chuckle in embarrassment.
‘Feels a bit like being in prison. Though it just got a bit more bearable.’ I beam adoringly at Matt, who reflects the same expression right back at me.
‘So how long til you’re better? When can you get out of here?’ Matt asks.
I bite my lip, unsure how to answer that.
‘Spit it out, Alex.’
‘It’ll probably take about two weeks to get back on my feet properly. The doctor said I can go home when I’m able to look after myself or when I have someone to support me.’
He looks thoughtful for a second. ‘Right, well that’s sorted then. I’m breaking you out of here.’
‘I have to stay at least another couple of nights though. To see an occupational therapy specialist tomorrow and for them to monitor me.’
‘Fair enough. But as soon as they say you’re safe to leave, I’m taking you home.’
‘To my home or yours?’ I grin at him.
‘Where would you like to be?’
‘Probably mine. All my stuff is there.’
‘Fine by me. I travel light.’
As he says this, another thought pops into my mind and my body chills. ‘Matt, you do realise I’ll probably never be able to climb your beloved hills with you? I can’t give you your dream future. That worries me because it’s so important to you.’
He looks at me as if I’ve lost the plot completely. ‘You do know I’m not Bear Grylls, right?’
‘Ha ha. Don’t take the piss.’
‘Alex, I’ve got lots of people I can climb hills with. That picture of the future was never a deal-breaker. There are other things we can enjoy together. And some of those I definitely can’t do with those other people – not without ending up with a black eye or in jail.’ He gives me a cheeky wink and I try to bat his forearm playfully, but instead end up panting like a tired dog.
‘Thank goodness for Emmanuel. If she hadn’t stopped by my apartment after work…’ I tail off, unwilling to entertain this alternative ending.
‘That reminds me, I was to give you this.’ Matt points to a plastic bag containing my iPad, clothes and toiletries.
‘Thanks. And thanks for… being you.’
‘I do my best. So, a couple of days then. And once you’re properly better, you can go back to band rehearsals. I hadn’t yet passed on your message to Sammy.’ He looks pleased to be able to tell me this.
‘Oh, Matt, no. I’m going to have to pull out of the band. And the leadership programme at work. I need to start being realistic about what I can cope with. There’s being determined, and there’s self-destructive stubbornness. If I push myself too hard, I leave myself vulnerable to more infections like this.’
Matt searches my eyes briefly before shrugging. ‘That’s a shame, Sammy will be gutted. But I understand how you feel.’
‘Thanks. Now, is there anywhere you can get me a huge chocolate bar? Now that I’ve finally woken up from my craziness, I’m really hankering after one.’
* * *
By Friday afternoon, I’m sitting in a hospital wheelchair with my things balanced on my lap, ready for Matt to transport me to his car. It feels a bit weird and I’m a little self-conscious using it. But the alternative was for Matt to lug me to the car park like a sack of potatoes, which was even less appealing. Plus, using wheelchairs from time to time is something I’m possibly going to have to get used to, so I just need to suck it up.
‘That you all sorted and ready to go, Alex?’ the shift nurse asks me.
‘Yes, not sure why we’re still here. Are we going, Matt?’ I prompt him impatiently. ‘I can’t wait to get out of here. No offence, Nurse Colmes.’
‘None taken at all.’ She smiles at me kindly. ‘It’s great to see you looking a bit brighter already. Our aim is always to get you home to your loved ones.’
As she says this, Matt and I share a goofy loved-up grin.
‘So, are we going?’ My gooeyness is short-lived.
‘You may be physically done in but your cognitive functions are clearly recovering already.’ Matt pats my head affectionately, causi
ng me to scowl like a grumpy bulldog – a playful quirk of our newly blossoming relationship. ‘Just two more minutes.’
‘Two more minutes for what? We’ve got everything.’
‘Think you’re going to have your hands full,’ Nurse Colmes says to Matt as she excuses herself.
‘Wouldn’t have it any other way,’ he calls after her. ‘Ah, you’re here. Great. Thought I was going to have to start feeding this one treats to distract her.’
‘Hey! Cheeky.’ I look up at him with a put-on pout and then crane my neck round to see who he’s talking to. ‘Sash? What are you doing here?’
‘Hi, Lex.’ Sasha walks round to face me and hugs me tightly. ‘I left my job early so I’m here to help look after you.’
I automatically grimace at this turn of phrase.
‘Sorry, I’m here to hang out with you while you recover,’ she corrects herself and I catch Matt giving her an approving wink.
‘How did you manage to leave your job early?’
‘I had some holiday left over. Was going to have them pay me for it but then I realised I wouldn’t have any kind of break or chance to do some proper flat-hunting before starting my new job. When this happened, it seemed the obvious thing to come and support— hang out with you at the same time.’
‘Amazing. I’m so happy to see you. Have you got any viewings set up?’
‘Yes, Sammy and I are going to see a couple of places over the weekend.’
‘You’re not moving in together already?’
‘No, dafty,’ Sasha giggles. ‘He’s just helping me find a place. He and Matt are also going to hire a van and bring my stuff down from Glasgow to save me the removal costs.’
I beam at Matt. ‘That’s fantastic. I can’t believe you’re here. So, you lot have been plotting behind my back then.’
‘I’m not sure “plotting” is the right word.’ Matt leans over and kisses me. ‘We’ve definitely been up to nice things to make you happy. Right, Sash?’
‘Right. Oh, you guys are sooo cute together. I’m so glad you’re back together.’ She suddenly looks all dewy-eyed and emotional.
‘Stop it,’ I command. ‘No more crying. It’s banned. I’ve done enough of that to sink a ship these last few days.’
‘But they’re happy tears.’
‘Don’t care. Now can we go? Please.’
A chuckling Matt obediently releases the brake on the wheelchair and we set off together. As we head towards the ward exit, I glance into the patient rooms, seeing one poor soul after the next, lying alone, some of them talking to themselves or crying out in frustration or distress, and all I can think is that I hope it’s a really long time before I have to be back here again. And how lucky I am that after feeling so lost and alone just days before, I now have the most incredible boyfriend in the world and my best friend taking me home.
Chapter 34
After what feels like endless days cooped up in my apartment (although in reality, it’s just two weeks), I’m back on my feet and almost at ‘my normal’ again. My first day back in the office is a cold, crisp Thursday morning in early December, so I get an additional boost from the twinkly Christmas lights peeking out from residential windows.
As I walk, I can’t help smiling to myself. It’s not just the freedom and returning sense of independence that’s cheering me, I’m also so thankful for having Matt and Sasha in my life. They’ve rallied around me relentlessly over my recovery period, taking it in ‘shifts’, and they’ve been so discreet about it. Matt has played the role of human-sized hot water bottle perfectly, cuddling up to me and keeping me company on the evenings and weekends, while Sasha’s been out viewing apartments and having her ‘Sammy time’. Sasha has also whiled away the days with me, tempting me with chocolate, chatting dreamily about Sammy, and shouting at the TV during the more tense moments of the box sets we’ve enjoyed together.
Though I’m generally positive about my return to work, my stomach clenches anxiously as I enter Brindley Place and approach my office building. Despite Emmanuel’s reassurances, I’m still feeling apprehensive. It’s only been two weeks, but things have changed enormously now that my situation is out in the open. It’s possibly not helping that it reminds me of when I went back to my old job in Glasgow.
Before walking inside, I take some slow, deep breaths to calm myself. I try to focus on nothing but my breath billowing out in clouds before me. I’m just going back to work. The office is full of the same great people I worked with before I went off.
When I eventually reach my desk, I’m surprised to find that none of my team are there. I hang my coat over the back of my chair and dump my bag on the floor, about to unpack my stuff, when I notice a yellow Post-it on my computer monitor. Scrawled on it in black ink is the message ‘Alex, come straight to the boardroom when you get in’. I frown. Emmanuel didn’t mention an early meeting. If I’d known, I’d have come in earlier. I hate turning up late.
Slinging my bag back over my shoulder, I head back down the corridor. However, as I reach the boardroom door, I realise there’s no noise coming from inside. Usually when it’s occupied, you can hear the murmur of voices. I give a quick knock and open the door, and as I do, there’s an eruption from inside.
‘WELCOME BACK.’
I almost drop dead from fright. Suddenly there’s music and laughter and colour. And a big bright banner sporting the words ‘Welcome Home’ hanging across the whiteboard at an odd angle. My whole team is there – other than Danielle, I clock – and so are a handful of colleagues from other teams with whom I’ve developed strong working relationships. To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement. I stand there open-mouthed as Emmanuel approaches and gives me a hug.
‘Welcome back, Alex.’
‘Did you arrange this?’ I ask her.
‘This is the work of the team. I had nothing to do with it. They asked if I thought it would be all right and I said I expected you’d be very touched.’
‘I’m definitely touched. No, that’s not enough. It makes my previous return to work seem like I had a highly contagious disease and was released from quarantine too early.’
‘That’s really not how it should be.’ Emmanuel tuts. ‘Well, hopefully this lot have made up for that.’
‘They sure have.’
I greet my teammates individually, as they approach me one by one.
‘Great to have you back, Alex.’ Dhruv gives me a fist-bump, followed by a sequence of complicated ‘handshake’ movements I can’t follow.
‘You know I have coordination issues, right?’ I decide it’s best to just get things out in the open.
‘Was a test.’ He gives me a sneaky wink. ‘Still not convinced you’re not a spy. Reckon you’ve been off on some kind of secret mission.’
‘Right, sure… by the way, Ethan Hunt said to say “hi”.’
He looks baffled for a moment, then laughs loudly, extending his thumb and pointing his index finger at me in a you-just-about-had-me-there gesture.
‘Nothing wrong with your wits then. Seriously, Alex, mate. So good to see you. Want you to know I’ve got your back anytime.’
‘That’s good to know.’ I smile at him appreciatively.
‘Alex, very good to have you back.’ Felix moves forward as Dhruv turns to speak to Emmanuel. ‘You have been missed, my friend.’
‘Thanks Felix. It would seem so. Tell me, did someone recycle that banner from another event?’ I chuckle, pointing towards the whiteboard.
‘Why do you ask this?’
‘Because it says “welcome home”, not “welcome back”.’
‘I think it’s intentional,’ Emmanuel calls across, giving me a telling nod.
I look at the banner again and the full meaning of all this hits me. This isn’t just any ‘welcome back’ party, it’s a very pointed ‘you-belong-here-so-don’t-you-ever-think-otherwise-even-if-a-nasty-cow-tries-to-destroy-you’ party. My teammates and colleagues have clocked my gaze and gone quiet, waiting for my respon
se. I glance around at them and then a huge grin spreads across my face.
‘Aww you guys… come here, all of you.’
Needing no prompting, they swoop in around me and I’m cocooned in my first ever workplace group hug. Just what I needed to settle back in. There’s just one thing that’s lingering in my mind though.
‘Emmanuel, have you got a second?’ I ask, once everyone has dispersed and are having their own conversations again.
‘Sure, Alex. I think I know what you’re going to ask. Let’s pop outside.’
We leave the room and nip into an empty meeting room next door. Emmanuel closes the door behind us and turns to me.
‘You want to know what happened with Danielle at the disciplinary meeting yesterday.’
‘Yes.’ I nod. ‘This is all so lovely, but I need to be prepared for whatever is to come.’
‘She’s gone, Alex.’
I gasp in shock. ‘She was fired?’
‘Not exactly. Although I expect that might have been the outcome if someone else hadn’t stepped in.’
‘Her dad.’
‘It would seem so. The case against her was strong. She was still denying she had anything to do with the WhatsApp message, and we couldn’t prove she sent it. But her friend from HR admitted everything. Apparently, she had shared the information with Danielle in confidence after being put under pressure to do so – and she had not expected it to be broadcast the way it was. Once she saw it was out there, she knew she would be fired and said she wasn’t going down alone. That information along with the text messages Danielle sent to you was enough for us to treat it as gross misconduct.’
‘So what happened?’
‘Two hours before the meeting, I received a message from the chief exec’s office. Danielle had resigned with immediate effect, and the disciplinary hearing would not go ahead. Also – and I’m afraid this will bother you – Danielle’s record was to be wiped of any trace of the pending hearing.’
‘What?’ I almost can’t believe what I’m hearing. ‘She doesn’t deserve that at all.’
