TYME2WASTE All of us jammed in together for 3 days. Who will emerge alive? Place your bets ladies and germs. Personally I predict no survivors.
11:19 PM February 28th from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Arrr. Fuck. Shit. It was dark when I went to bed and it is dark now and Dad says it’s time to leave. This is so terribly wrong.
6:21 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE We’re going. Mom gave the condo a careful search to make sure nothing got left behind, which is how she found me.
7:01 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Damn knew I needed a better hiding place.
7:02 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Dad just said the whole trip ought to take between thirty-five and forty hours. I offer this as conclusive proof there is no God.
7:11 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Writing something on Twitter just to piss Mom off. She knows if I’m typing something on my phone I’m obviously engaged in a sinful act.
7:23 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I’m expressing myself and staying in touch with my friends and she hates it. Whereas if I was knitting and unpopular . . .
7:25 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE . . . then I’d be just like her when she was 17. And I’d also marry the first guy who came along and get knocked up by 19.
7:25 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Coming down the mountain in the snow. Coming down the mountain in the snow. 1 more hairpin turn and my stomach’s gonna blow . . .
7:30 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE My contribution to this glorious family moment is going to come when I barf on my little brother’s head.
7:49 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE If we wind up in a snowbank and have a Donner Party, I know whose ass they’ll be chewing on first. Mine.
7:52 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Of course my survival skilz would amount to Twittering madly for someone to rescue us.
7:54 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Mom would make a slingshot out of rubber from the tyres, kill squirrels with it, stitch a fur bikini out of ’em and be sad when we got saved.
7:56 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Dad would go out of his mind because we’d have to burn his books to stay warm.
8:00 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Eric would put on a pair of my pantyhose. Not to stay warm. Just cause my little brother wants to wear my pantyhose.
8:00 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I wrote that last bit cause Eric was looking over my shoulder.
8:02 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But the sick bastard said wearing my pantyhose is the closest he’ll probably come to getting laid in high school.
8:06 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE He’s completely gross but I love him.
8:06 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Mom taught him to knit while we were snowed in here in happy CO and he knitted himself a cocksock and then she was sorry.
8:11 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I miss my blog which she had no right to make me take down.
8:13 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But Twittering is better than blogging because my blog always made me feel like I should have interesting ideas to blog about.
8:14 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But on Twitter every post can only be 140 letters long. Which is enough room to cover every interesting thing to ever happen to me.
8:15 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE True. Check it out.
8:15 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Born. School. Mall. Cell phone. Driver’s permit. Broke my nose playing trapeze at 8 - there goes the modeling career. Need to lose 10 lbs.
8:19 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Think that covers it.
8:20 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE It’s snowing in the mountains but not down here snow falling in the sunlight in a storm of gold. Goodbye beautiful mountains.
9:17 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Hello not so beautiful Utah desert. Utah is brown and puckered like Judy Kennedy’s weird nipples.
9:51 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE @caseinSD Yes she does have weird nipples. And it doesn’t make me a lesbo for noticing. Everyone notices.
10:02 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Sagebrush!!!!!! W00t!
11:09 AM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Now Eric is trying on my pantyhose. He’s bored. Mom thinks its funny but Dad is stressed.
12:20 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I dared Eric to wear a skirt in the diner to get our takeout. Dad says no. Mom is still laughing.
12:36 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I promised him if he does it I’ll invite a certain hot goth to the pool party in April so he can see her in her tacky bikini.
12:39 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Theres no way he’ll do it.
12:42 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE ZOMG hes doing it. Dad is going into the diner with him to make sure he isn’t killed by offended Mormons.
12:44 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Eric came back alive. Eric saves the day. I’m actually glad to be in the van right now.
12:59 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Dad says Eric sat at the bar and talked football with this big trucker guy. Trucker guy was fine with the skirt and pantyhose.
1:03 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE He’s still wearing it. The skirt. He’s probably a total closet tranny. Sicko. Course that would be fun. We could shop together.
1:45 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE @caseinSD Yes we do have to invite a certain goth to the pool party now. She probably won’t even come. I think sunlight burns her.
2:09 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Every time I start to fall asleep the van hits a bump and my head falls off the seat.
11:01 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Trying to sleep.
11:31 PM March 1st from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I give up trying to sleep.
1:01 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Oh fuck Eric. He’s asleep and he looks like he’s having a wet dream about a certain goth chick.
1:07 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Meanwhile I’d have a better chance of sleeping if there were only steel pins inserted under my eyelids.
1:09 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I’m so happy right now. I just want to hold this moment for as long as I can.
6:11 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I just want to be home. I hate Mom. I hate everyone in the van. Including myself.
8:13 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Okay. This is why I was happy earlier. It was 4 in the morning and Mom pulled into a rest area and then she came and got me.
10:21 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She said it was my turn to drive. I said my permit is only for driving in Cali and she just said get behind the wheel.
10:22 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She told me if I got pulled over to wake her up and we’d switch and everything would be all right.
10:23 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE So she went to sleep in the passenger seat and I drove. We were down in the desert and the sun came up behind us.
10:25 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE And then there were coyotes in the road. In the red sunlight. They were all over the interstate and I stopped so I wouldn’t hit them.
10:26 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Their eyes were gold
and the sun was in their fur and there were so many, this huge pack. Just standing there like they were waiting for me.
10:28 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I wanted to take a picture with my cell phone, but I couldn’t figure out where I left it. While I was looking for it they disappeared.
10:31 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE When Mom woke up I told her all about them. And then I thought she’d be mad I didn’t shake her awake to see them so I said I was sorry.
10:34 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE And she said she was glad I didn’t wake her up, because that moment was just for me. And for like three seconds I liked her again.
10:35 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But then in the place we ate breakfast I was looking at my e-mail for a sec. & I heard Mom saying to the waitress, we apologize for her.
10:37 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I guess the waitress was standing there waiting for my order and I didn’t notice.
10:40 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But I didn’t sleep all night and I was tired and zoned out and that’s why I didn’t notice, not ’cause I was looking at the phone.
10:42 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE And Mom had to trot out her stories about being a waitress herself and that it was demeaning not to be acknowledged.
10:45 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Just to rub it in. And she can be completely right and I can still hate the way she makes me feel like shit at every opportunity.
10:46 AM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I napped but I don’t feel better.
4:55 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Dad of course has to go the slowest possible route by way of every back road. Mom says he missed a turn and added 100 miles to the trip.
6:30 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Now Mom and Dad are fighting. OMG I want out of this van.
6:37 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Eric I am psychically willing you to find some reason for us to get off the road. Put on the pantyhose again. Say you have to pee.
6:49 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Anything. Please.
6:49 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE No no no Eric, no. When I was sending you psychic signals, I was not signaling to you to pull over for this.
6:57 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Mom doesn’t want to pull over either. Write it down, kids, first time in two years we’ve agreed on anything.
7:00 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Oh Dad is being a prick now. He says there was no point in taking backroads if we weren’t going to find some culture.
7:02 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE We are driving up to something called the Circus of the Dead. The ticket guy looks really REALLY sick. Not funny sick. SICK sick.
7:06 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Sores around his mouth and few teeth and I can smell him. He’s got a pet rat. His pet rat dived in his pocket and came out with the tickets.
7:08 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE No it wasn’t cute. None of us want to touch the tickets.
7:10 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Boy, they’re really packing them in. Show starts in 15 min. but the parking lot is 1/2 empty. The big top is a black tent with holes in it.
7:13 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Mom says to be sure to keep doing whatever I’m doing on my phone. She wouldn’t want me to look up and see something happening.
7:17 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Oh that was shitty. She just said to Dad that I’ll love the circus because it’ll be just like the internet.
7:18 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Youtube is full of clowns, message boards are full of firebreathers and blogs are for people who can’t live without a spotlight on them.
7:20 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I’m going to tweet like 5 times a minute and make her insane.
7:21 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE The usher is a funny old Mickey Rooney type with a bowler and a cigar. He also has on a hazmat suit. He says so he can’t get bitten.
7:25 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I almost fell twice on the walk to our seats. Guess they’re saving $ on lights. I’m using my iPhone as a flashlight. Hope there isn’t a fire.
7:28 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE God this is the stinkiest circus ever. I don’t know what I’m smelling. Are those the animals? Call PETA.
7:30 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE I can’t believe how many people there are. Every seat is taken. Don’t know where this crowd came from.
7:31 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE They must’ve had us park in a secondary parking lot. Oh, wait, they just flipped on a spotlight. Showtime. Beating heart, restrain yourself.
7:34 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Well that got Eric and Dad’s attention. The ringmistress came out on stilts and she’s practically naked. Fishnets and top hat.
7:38 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She’s weird. She talks like she’s stoned. Did I mention there are zombies in clown outfits chasing her around?
7:40 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE The zombies are waaay gross. They have on big clown shoes, and polka dot outfits, and clown makeup.
7:43 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE But the makeup is flaking off, and beneath it they’re all rotted and black. Yow! They almost grabbed her. She’s quick.
7:44 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She says she’s been a prisoner of the circus for six weeks and that she survived because she learned the stilts fast.
7:47 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She said her boyfriend couldn’t walk on them and fell down and was eaten his first night. She said her best friend was eaten the 2nd night.
7:49 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE She walked right up to the wall under us and begged someone to pull her over and rescue her, but the guy in the front row just laughed.
7:50 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE Then she had to run away in a hurry before Zippo the Zombie knocked her off her stilts. It’s all very well choreographed.
7:50 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
TYME2WASTE You can totally believe they’re trying to get her.
7:51 PM March 2nd from Tweetie
The New Dead: A Zombie Anthology Page 43
