by Vani Mahesh
She looked for Vicky who still ran in circles in the driveway. The house that was hers (well, again a bit dramatic because technically it was still hers) looked marvellous. For the first time, Anu admired the stony front façade, the lawn, the driveway so big they could fit four cars in it. The French door, the long and clear glass windows—she wished she was only visiting that house. Then she could have, would have, admired it wholeheartedly. Like she did all the resorts they frequented, from Chikmanglur to Coorg to Goa.
‘Hey, Anu,’ she heard someone pant next to her.
‘Hi Dave, should you be jogging now? Shouldn’t you be at work?’
Dave grinned. ‘Don’t tell the boss. By the way, you will sell this tin box when you get your BMW, right?’ He patted her Santro. ‘Oh, you have some big cases in there! If you had waited a week, you could have travelled in style in your BMW SUV!’
Anu’s head reeled. Now, she could respond in two ways—act as if she knew or act ignorant (which she was, so that was not an act).
She chose to act. ‘Oh yeah. Why is my BMW taking this long?’
Dave wiped the sweat off his sleeve. ‘Because Sanjay insisted on black. Did you test drive it? He said he was going to take you.’
‘Yeah … Yeah, sure,’ Anu mumbled and bid goodbye to Dave. So, where did Sanju have the money for a BMW? Wouldn’t it cost like something obscene like 100 lakhs? Or at least forty-fifty lakhs? Once the wonderment came down, the worry started. Is he adding more to the already full EMI? Once that worry came down, anger built up. Didn’t he think he had to ask me before taking such a big step? Once that anger subsided, a form of cloudy depression began. Have we ended as a couple? She remembered the countless test drives they took before Sanju bought his XUV two years back.
She had no clue how she reached her apartment despite having a nonstop conversation with herself. But she did. She was home. Radha met her at the parking lot with a wide smile.
‘Vicky! You have become so tall in three months!’ She picked up Vicky and kissed him despite his many protests.
‘Akka, so good to see you. I missed you.’ Her eyes were moist. Anu smiled. She really was home.
‘I have kept the house clean. But there is nothing much there. How will you stay here until your furniture comes? Shall we ask Kavitha akka for some stuff?’ Radha spoke the words that were straight out of Anu’s worst nightmare. How was she going to live there? Forget the furniture, what about the money?
‘No. Don’t even tell Kavitha I am here. She will worry too much.’
36
‘What on earth!’ Shwetha shrieked the moment she walked into the house. ‘Is this your chosen life?’ She pointed at the flat cotton mattress on the floor in an otherwise empty living room.
Anu pouted. ‘Don’t mock the poor friend. Have you brought the drinks?’
‘Where is Vicky?’ asked Shwetha taking out the Sprite and Smirnoff and mixing them into their glasses.
‘Have left him at my mother’s place. Tomorrow I am talking to Sumitra aunty to get my old job back.’ Anu took a deep sip of the drink. The best part about drinking at home was that she didn’t have to worry about driving.
‘Have you told your parents yet?’ asked Shwetha. She had agreed to spend the night with Anu.
Anu rolled her eyes. ‘God, no. I need a break from the world. If I tell them, they will badger me into moving in with them. Then they will badger me into moving back to Verdant Green.’
‘A single Meena cannot scare you away, Anu. I will help you all the way but I don’t support what you have done.’ Shwetha was now serious. ‘You are not a saint to give up a good life to embrace poverty.’
Anu flashed her phone before Shwetha to show her the messages from the bank where she and Sanju held a joint account. ‘Look at this, Shwetha. I hadn’t read any of these in the past two months thinking they are routine messages from the bank.’
Shwetha read through the thread and knitted her brows. ‘Three fixed deposits have been broken. The third one for twenty lakhs. Who keeps money in the FD anymore? Maybe Sanju is breaking the deposits to invest in mutual funds or stocks.’
Anu shook her head. ‘Sanju is the last person to invest in the market. He is breaking the deposits to sustain a lifestyle we can’t afford. The twenty-lakh-rupee one must be for the BMW. I can’t be a part of that artificial living.’
Shwetha leaned against the wall and stretched her legs and waved her hand around. ‘Is this a natural living for you?’
Anu grew sombre. ‘No. But this is temporary. I feel Sanju will move back soon.’ But she sounded very unconvincing to her own ears. Why would he? He was leading the life of his choice after all.
‘Shwetha, enough about me. Why did you postpone the wedding again? You even shopped for the bridal gear.’
Shwetha twirled her drink and looked away. ‘This time it was Dini. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to marry now. Says his job is dicey.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘Maybe, he has moved on. I kept postponing the wedding for nearly three years now. I won’t blame him.’
Anu was horrified. ‘Absolutely not. Dini will not move on. You both are meant to move together. You sound upset, Shwetha. Why didn’t you tell me anything?’ Anu shook her head. ‘I am so selfish. I only keep throwing my woes at you and never asked about yours.’
Shwetha shook her head. ‘Don’t be silly. You are the best listener in the world. I just didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t even know if I should be upset yet. Tonight, let us both pretend to be single and happy.’ She got up, turned on the music in her phone, and started doing her animated gyrating. Anu began to giggle but joined her soon.
The next afternoon, when Anu entered her apartment, she didn’t know if she was relieved, sad or anxious. Probably a mixture of all feelings (mostly the bad ones) that humans go through. She had just come back from meeting Sumitra aunty. Anu sighed looking around her living space. A tattered bed in the living room, no TV, two utensils and two cups in the kitchen. Another tattered bed in the bedroom. How long was this living going to last? Those were precisely Sumitra aunty’s words.
Anu had felt exhilarated as she walked down the simple school corridor that morning. Every teacher she met, gave her a genuine so-happy-to-see-you smile. Some hugged, some shrieked. The nursery kids she had taught had refused to let go of her hand. They had all talked simultaneously for ten minutes before their class teacher broke the party.
Sumitra aunty had been her usual warm self. She was never Anu’s boss. She was always Sumitra aunty whom she knew since she was an infant.
‘Anu, how good to see you! Thought you forgot all about me in your new life.’
‘Well, aunty, about that—’ Anu had faltered at first but then had managed to tell her about what happened to that new life. To her credit, her eyes only moistened and she did not bawl.
‘Aunty, please take Vicky and me back.’ She had asked in earnest. Well, it was more begging than asking.
‘Anu, you can have your old job back any day. Vicky is of course more than welcome to study here. But—’ she had looked at Anu doubtfully. ‘Are you sure you want to uproot yourself from your current life and Sanjay?’
‘Not from Sanju. Only from Verdant Green, aunty.’ Anu had tried to sound confident but ended up sounding like a shivering wet dog. The fear that Sanju and Verdant Green might be a package deal was her worst nightmare.
When Anu had asked her not to tell her parents yet, Sumitra aunty had smiled. ‘Your mother will be angry with me. But I am giving the job back to one of my best teachers. Not to my friend’s daughter.’
That was when Anu had to fight back her tears. That was the nicest thing someone had said to her in a long time!
Now back in her empty house, Anu tried to break away from thoughts and fought hard not to feel depressed and lonely. She was too restless to focus on a book or a show or even to take a nap. That was when she decided to text Sanju. She would do anything to hear from him at that moment. ‘Have you told your parents anything about u
s? Can I visit them and not be bombarded by questions?’
Even after three hours, with Anu checking the phone a thousand times, there was no reply from Sanju. Was he going to come back ever? Or in a very filmy manner, was she going to receive a courier with divorce papers? Oh god! Divorce! Anu started to panic. Did she make a mistake? She tried to imagine moving back to Verdant Green. That thought was as depressing as getting the divorce papers in the courier.
Deciding to visit her parents, Anu picked up her handbag. That was when the phone rang, giving her a near heart attack. Could it be Sanju? She began to rummage through her bag furiously to dish out the phone. She peered at it all hopeful but immediately felt like someone had punched her in the gut. It was not Sanju. It was some nameless person.
‘Madam, we have a delivery for you. Can we send it to your flat?’ That was the security at the gate.
‘Sure. Please do.’
Anu waited at the door to pick up the package but a large truck got parked before the building. While a man looked at her and waved, another two started to unload the truck. It was all their stuff! What was happening? Sanju had sent the furniture back! Was he going to jump out of the truck too?
As things arrived one by one, Anu watched in silence. Was he moving back or was he getting rid of her?
37
As soon as the truck was unloaded, Anu knew it was not good news at all. There was nothing of Sanju’s in the haul that had arrived. Not his desk, not his recliner, not his clothes, and not even that hideous orange couch that Padzilla had gifted. Anu directed the men numbly to place things into their places. Sanju, being his meticulous self, had packed every single item that belonged to the house, Anu and Vicky. By the time the men left, Anu had no air in her lungs. She collapsed on the sofa staring at the blank TV.
What started as despair soon began to turn into anger within her. How could he not reply to my message? What is he so mad about? That I did not live in a place that made me miserable? That I asked for a life that suits our income? He travelled six months a year, and did she ever complain? Did she ever nag him to take her places or get her gifts?
She soon made herself a martyr in her head and Sanju a complete villain. Just when she thought her head was going to explode with anger, her phone chimed. She picked it up with hope surging but it was a friend. Anu quickly turned off the notifications. That pinging never suited her, especially not then.
She got up to head out. She was going to bring Vicky back from her parents’ house and start her life. If it had to be without Sanju, so be it. She checked her phone one last time before starting the car. There was a message from Pete. ‘Still trouble in paradise?’
‘Trouble has replaced paradise.’ Anu wrote a reply explaining briefly how she thought her life was over.
‘You are both hurting. Give yourself time to heal. In the meanwhile, watch some Netflix and eat junk food. Distraction is the best medicine for a muddled mind.’
Another fifteen days of desperate waiting went by, but nothing happened. Vicky was happy to be back home but asked for daddy more frequently than ever. Anu placated him saying daddy was in the US to get them both gifts.
‘Will he bring me a robot this time?’ Vicky asked with eyes opened wide. ‘I want to tell him to bring me a robot.’
‘What kind of robot, Vicky?’ Anu smiled and ruffled his hair.
‘The walking one. The one that can play cricket and make a sandwich,’ Vicky kept adding to the list, making Anu laugh till her eyes water. ‘That is what Mumma does for you, Vicky. Why do you need a robot for that?’
‘Hmm … robot doing all that is nice. You can also play with the robot, Mumma. We will call him Lucky.’
Days moved quickly with Vicky keeping Anu on her toes. She had now force stopped herself from overthinking about Sanju. She had also realized that Sanju hadn’t told his parents anything about them. So she decided to spin her own story. She told both sets of parents that they had decided to move back to the old apartment and Anu was shuttling between here and Verdant Green. Anu’s mother prodded once in a while about why Sanju wasn’t visiting them at all but she bought it when Anu said he was travelling. Her father only asked her if she needed anything (meaning money), but she had enough left from what he had already given her.
That Sunday evening, Anu walked inside the gate to her in-law’s house. They had Vicky for a day and she was there to pick him up. Before knocking on the door, Anu stood still to admire the tidy garden her mother-in-law maintained. Everything about that woman was calm and organized. She suddenly felt sadness envelop her. What was this place without Sanju? Only he made that house hers.
‘Hello, Anu,’ Padma aunty’s voice jolted her out of the reverie.
‘Hello, aunty. How are you?’ Anu avoided looking into the eyes of that sharp woman.
‘Come with me. I am going to the temple. Vicky is playing with his grandmother so he won’t miss you for now.’ She dictated her terms like a true Padzilla and closed the door shut behind her.
A walk with Padzilla? Wasn’t her life already bad enough for God to make it worse? Anu gave a mental eye roll but followed the woman who was already at the gate. Instead of the temple, they entered a park and found a bench. Anu knew they were going to have a ‘talk’. How did she hate these talks!
‘What is going on with you and Sanju?’ Padzilla never minced words.
‘Hmm … Well, nothing—’ Anu looked at her own hands and studied them intently.
‘You are living here and Sanju in that Verdant place. Why?’ Padzilla looked at Anu through her glasses. Her hawkish face looked sterner than ever.
‘Didn’t you ask Sanju?’ Anu braved asking.
‘I did, of course.’ Padma aunty was now visibly irritated. ‘He said nothing much. But his story didn’t exactly match yours. So tell me.’
Anu thought of just getting up and going off but decided against it. ‘Are you asking because you are curious or because you are concerned?’ She didn’t know where that question had come from! Padzilla might kill her now for that insolence.
But to her surprise, the older woman placed her bony hand on Anu’s shoulder. ‘Because I want to help.’
Anu looked at her in surprise. She saw a softness in her eyes that she had never seen before. Anu’s eyes welled up at that concern. It was so difficult to bottle it all up and pretend like nothing was wrong. Once she began to talk, there was no stopping her. Anu told her everything—things that had happened, what she had said, done and felt. By the end, she was crying so profusely, the park walkers kept glancing at her, concerned. Padma aunty offered her a clean white hanky to wipe her face.
‘Anu, from where I stand, you both are being very immature.’
Padma aunty was now back to her stern self. ‘You could have tried harder to stay there and make a home. Sanju, after all, did come back to you every time you both had a difference. He even moved out of our house to live with you.’
Anu got up. ‘I should have known that you wouldn’t take my side, aunty. You never did like me.’
‘Sit down, Anu.’ Padma yanked at Anu’s hand and made her sit down. ‘Sanju is being very foolish by choosing to live in that place that looks nothing like a house but like a star hotel. But how could you leave him and come back here? You should have stayed, fought, reasoned and moved back here together. Running away is not an option in life.’
Padma aunty was mouthing all the clichés in the world but she made sense. Why hadn’t Anu tried harder to make Sanju move back with her? Or better, why had she given up so quickly on Verdant Green?
‘Think about what I said, Anu. Do the right thing.’
With that, Padma aunty was gone. Anu sat there with her head absolutely devoid of any thoughts. The mosquitoes buzzing, the walkers dwindling, the lights coming on—she noticed nothing. Then she picked up the phone and dialled Sanju. Five rings, six rings, Anu knew it was hopeless. Just when she had given up, she heard Sanju’s voice. He said a simple ‘Hi!’.
Anu’s eye
s welled up all over again. She so missed his voice; she so missed him.
‘Sanju,’ she managed not to break down. ‘I am coming back. Please, this is horrible. I will not embarrass you. I will not pull any more Anuisms. I will not—’
‘Hey, Anu! Are you crying?’ Sanju sounded wounded. He hated it when she cried. ‘Stop crying, Anu. Are you still at my parent’s house? Mom said you were going there to pick up Vicky.’
‘I am coming now, Sanju. I will drive to Verdant Green right away.’
‘Go home, Anu. We will talk tomorrow, okay? I am still at work.’ He sounded too eager to hang up on her.
He spoke politely but seemed to have no intentions to get back with me. He does not want me back at Verdant Green! Is his life so good without me? Am I the only fool missing him? Anu felt dejected as she walked to her in-law’s house. Thinking back on their conversation, Sanju had said nothing to indicate that he wanted them to be together. Anu messaged Pete. ‘Why can’t life work the way we want?’
Pete: Because you have to lose some to win some.
Anu: But I want to win all!
Pete: Then someone else has to lose all!
Anu sighed. Now she was willing to lose some to Sanju but he seemed determined to win all.
38
By the time she reached home, Anu had decided to just let things be. As Pete had said, she had to heal first. She had to become whole again. An intense sadness kept creeping up on her but she fought back hard. She had told Sanju how she felt, and he had said he would call tomorrow. She didn’t want to think about what happens if he didn’t call. That was a worry for later. With Vicky next to her and a large bag of chips between them, Anu settled down to watch Finding Nemo for the hundredth time.
When the doorbell rang around nine at night, Anu’s ears perked up. Vicky dashed to the door crying a long ‘Daddyyyy’. Tacky, but both Anu and Sanju had their own ways to ring the bell. Anu felt numb. Just when she thought they were over, just when she thought Sanju would never come back, there he was. Then it occurred to her—probably he was there to end it all. Vicky was jumping up and down at the door to get to the latch. Anu picked up the courage to open the door.
