by Gigi Thomas
Dear Kenya,
There’s so much I need to say to you that I don’t know where to begin. Just know this, I love you and I always will...
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Selfish Love
Tears streamed like rivulets down Kenya’s cheeks, as the events from five years ago finally fell into place. She clutched the letter tightly in her grasp. That’s why he left? He’d been sick, and she didn’t know it. Now, everything was starting to make sense: Caden’s urgency with Cadence and her legitimacy, his talk about spending as much time with her while he has the chance, the scar on his abdomen that never existed before.
How could she not know it? How did she not see it? She should’ve figured it out. Kenya looked down at the ring in her hand. This was supposed to be hers, she realized. Caden was going to propose. All the time she’d spent thinking that he didn’t care about her enough, that he didn’t think she was good enough, that he was never serious about her, that their whole relationship was a lie; all that time, Caden wanted her to be his wife.
Kenya’s heart felt like an anvil in her chest, as she thought about all the terrible things she’d said to Caden, all the things she’d thought about him, and how he took it all in stride. But, did Caden seriously think this was the best idea? Did he really believe that leaving her was his only option? And, didn’t she get a choice in the matter? Who the hell did he think he was? It was her life too, damn it!
Grabbing the letter and the ring, Kenya stuffed them into her purse. She quickly dried her face and ran downstairs. She’d gotten on the intercom while in Caden’s room and ordered a car to meet her, so by the time she reached outside it was waiting for her.
The drive to London was excruciatingly long, and even though it wasn’t rush hour, it felt like a crawl. It seemed as though every light was red, and she kept urging the driver to go faster. As they zipped through traffic, she thought of Caden that day. He was rushing too. To think that he didn’t stand her up after all. The reason he never made it to dinner was because he was in the hospital. She should’ve known better than to think the worst of him.
Kenya didn’t think the worst of Caden at first. At first, she was concerned. It wasn’t like him to miss one of their dates, and she was the one to reschedule more often than he was. He was often in the habit of rescheduling his other plans to accommodate her. She thought something must be wrong. Some emergency must’ve come up or worse, something must’ve happened to him.
She remembered hearing about that truck whose brakes failed. It sideswiped a bunch of cars and crashed into a Range Rover. She was immediately alarmed, but it was on some random street in a part of Boston, she’d never even heard of. There was no reason for Caden to be in that area. Kenya figured she was just overreacting. When he didn’t show up that night, and she didn’t see him the next morning, she called the hospitals.
Her first round proved fruitless. With HIPAA laws, no one would answer her inquiries about if he was there. She even called back later, speaking as though she knew the patient was there and just needed the call transferred to him. That didn’t work either, and none of the hospitals could confirm a patient by that name.
Unfortunately, Kenya was looking for Caden Lord; and unbeknownst to her, at the time, no such person existed. Once she learned there were no John Does either, she began to think that perhaps there was more to his disappearance than she suspected.
Almost a month had passed, and none of his friend’s had heard anything. Caden had withdrawn from school, and Kenya returned to the apartment one day to find most of his personal items gone and a copy of a new lease in her name on the table. It was paid up through the entire year. To think, she was calling him a lying bastard while he was lying on an operating table. He was being rolled into radiation treatment while she was cursing his treatment of her.
“Caden,” she called bursting into his office. “Caden!”
“Hi Kenya! What are you—”
“Where is he, Copper? I have to see him. Where is he?”
Copper’s expression changed. “You know don’t you?”
“Where is he?” Kenya didn’t need to respond. Her eyes said it all.
“He’s at the site for the Children’s hospital. If you wait, I’m—”
Kenya rushed out of the room before Copper could finish his words. She couldn’t wait. She had to know if it was all true. She had to hear Caden admit it. She returned to the car and headed towards the site.
Kenya arrived at the construction site in South London. A few of the contractors were there and some others who supported or benefited from the initiative. A groundbreaking ceremony was usually not as buzzworthy as a ribbon-cutting ceremony, but there were still over one hundred people there. The Mayor of London was in attendance along with local leaders like the Mayor of Lambeth, the Council Leader and Members from Lambeth Borough Council, and representatives from the National Health Service.
Also in attendance were journalists from major publications, local news, and culturally diverse and minority focused outlets in print, online, and social media all eager to record every step in the much anticipated hospital’s journey. As a result, the event was being aired in real-time on a few TV stations and live streamed on several websites. Kenya walked towards the billboard that said Hargrove Children’s Hospital Center. The official groundbreaking had ended, the ceremonial shovels off to the side. Caden stood shaking hands, posing for photos, and answering interview questions.
“Caden!” Kenya called.
Caden looked up to see her, and after seeing the look in her eyes, his face went pale. He quickly excused himself from the group and walked to her. Taking her elbow, he tried to lead her away from the crowd and back to the car.
“No!” she hissed, wriggling herself from his grasp. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily. Not this time. I know everything Caden. I found the pills, and I read your letter. Now, I want you to tell me everything.”
While the crowd had enough to occupy their attention, what with local dignitaries and interviews being done, a few attendees began observing the pair.
“There’s nothing to tell. Okay. You know. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t matter.” He tried to get her to leave again, but Kenya refused.
“What about Caydee and me leaving next week,” she began. “Does that matter? Is that what you want, Caden? Do you want us to leave like this? Do you want us to leave at all?”
“I can’t ask you to stay,” he whispered.
“Why not?” Kenya asked. “Why didn’t you ask me to stay then?”
"How could I?!" Caden asked throwing his hands up in frustration. "For you to feel obligated to be with me? You would've felt like it was your duty or something.”
“It is my duty. That’s what you do when you love someone. You stay,” she informed. “I never stopped loving you, Caden, and I still want to be with you. No matter what.”
“You don’t understand what you’re asking, what you’d be signing up for. Cancer treatment is almost as bad as the cancer itself, Ya—Kenya. Besides, I…” he lowered his voice. “I may never be able to have children because of the radiation treatments. How can I ask you to stay with me? To give up your dream of having a big family? How can I make you watch me as my body deteriorates? How can I let you—”
"See you when you are weak," Kenya said.
“I’m supposed to protect you, Kenya. I’m supposed to take care of you, not the other way around,” Caden said. "I know it’s selfish and probably sexist." He could barely look at her.
"A little," Kenya said, shrugging her shoulders and giving him a small smile. "But, don’t you understand? None of that matters. All that matters is how we feel about each other."
“It’s not that simple.”
"Yes, it is!” Kenya yelled.
“No, it’s not!” Caden’s voice had risen as well.
He turned around and scanned the crowd. More attendees were beginning to look at them with curiosity, particularly after their outbursts.<
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“Look, I...I can’t have this conversation with you, Kenya. Not now. Not here. I’ll meet you at the house later. We can talk then. All right,” Caden said, dismissing her and heading back to the group. He took a deep breath, put on his winning smile, and began to redirect the attention to him.
Kenya refused to be so easily pacified. She knew Caden. By that expression, he had no plans to talk about this later. Hell, he could disappear again, and then contact her after she’d gotten back to the U.S. With a Continent separating them, it would be much easier for him to maintain his distance. She doubted he would do that to Caydee, but still. Kenya knew he would do everything he could to avoid talking to her.
“Do-do you love me Caden?" Kenya called after him.
Kenya knew she was courting a scandal and tabloid publicity here, but she couldn’t let this go. This had to be resolved now. She looked around at the group, whose attention was shifting between him and her. Some of the cameras were being pointed in her direction. Well, if I’m going to do it, I might as well do it all the way, Kenya thought. She took a deep breath to bolster herself.
“Hello everyone! It's me: the mystery woman, the mother of Baron Hargrove’s secret love child," she said with emphasis, waving her hands out before her like a banner or a headline.
“What are you...?” Caden turned to face her, his eyes wide.
Kenya had everyone's attention now, and the press began taking pictures and recording along with other attendees on their cell phones. Passers by had begun joining the fray due to the commotion, and the crowd was thickening. Even the mayors were directing their attention to her.
Caden looked around anxiously at the growing group that surrounded them. “We are not doing this.”
"Yes, we are.” Kenya already knew she was going to be trending on the Internet that evening, one way or another, so there was no turning back now. “Do you love me or not, Cay?" Kenya’s voice was stronger now, more commanding, her eyes demanding as she walked towards him. "If you can tell me no—if you can say to my face and in front of all these people—then I won't mention it again. Caydee and I will leave, and we can go back to just being friends."
Kenya knew that last part wasn't entirely true. She was sure she was never going to just be friends with Caden again. She wasn’t sure if they ever were just friends. He would always be more; he had always been more: her true love, the father of her child. She would always have feelings for him. She'd tried to convince herself otherwise. The past few months, hell the past few years, were about trying to convince herself that she didn’t have feelings for Caden. It hadn't worked.
Spending these months together only reminded Kenya how much she missed Caden when they were apart. Now, with the knowledge of what really happened back then, how could she be expected to let that go? How could she let him go?
Caden opened his mouth to respond, but just stood gaping like a fish gasping for oxygen. His breath was caught in his throat; he was silent. The weight of Kenya’s challenge hung in the air between them. The crowd’s curiosity seemed even more piqued as they awaited Caden’s response. He swallowed hard but didn’t say a word.
"You can't deny it. Can you? You can’t because you still love me, don’t you?”
Caden’s hands slowly clenched into fists. His body was shaking with the desire to say something, but he refused. His lips were pressed together, sealed shut in a firm line, his head slowly moving from side to side.
"Oh, why can't you admit it? Just say it, Caden. Please," Kenya begged, moving closer to him. They stood in the center of the crowd as if on stage.
"I can't love you!” Caden grabbed her by the arms, preventing her from getting closer. “How can I? How can tell you I love you without feeling like I'm trapping you?" he growled. “I'd be just like him."
“You’re nothing like him, Cay.”
“I’m sick, Kenya—”
“You’re not sick!” she protested.
“Not today, maybe! Not right now!” he yelled, releasing her. “At any time, I could have a recurrence. I have no idea what to expect. Every time I get a stomach ache, instead of thinking maybe I had bad oysters last night, I have to worry that the cancer’s back again. My whole life revolves around that. Don’t you understand? It always will. I have to think about it every day?”
“But, Ca—”
“No,” Caden continued, more quietly, not giving Kenya a chance to speak. “It doesn’t matter than I am in remission now, Kenya. I’m not completely cancer free. Even if I was, I can still get sick again at any time. And when I do, it will be even worse. My whole life will be a waiting game. How can I commit to you, tell you I still love you, that I still want to marry you when I don’t even know if I’m going to be around to actually be your husband? Or what kind of husband I’ll be.”
"Why do you think you have the right to make such a huge decision by yourself?” Kenya asked, getting annoyed by his unilateral pronouncement. She hated when others tried to decide her fate or define her. One thing that she always loved about Caden is that he never did that. Well, he never did before, and Kenya was not going to let it happen now. “This affects both of us. The three of us.”
“I’m still going to be Caydee’s father. I just...I can’t be with you knowing that your life would so be much easier without me in it. I’d be no different than he was. I’d just be a burden you have to bear because you had the misfortune of being my wife.” Caden looked up, forcing his eyes to swallow the tears that had formed within them. He took a deep breath before he continued. “How can I ask you to be with me, when I know I could be resigning you to a life of pain and disappointment? How can I ask you to go through that? I love you too much to be that selfish.” His voice was thick with the lump stuck in his throat.
"Really? You’re doing this because you love me too much? Please. That’s such bullshit, Caden!” Kenya yelled. She was not going to try to comfort him. Not when he was being such an ignorant ass about everything. “You didn’t leave me because you loved me, Caden. You left because you were being a coward."
The crowd murmured in response to Kenya’s attack.
“A coward?” Caden choked, immediately furious. “Do you think that was easy for me? Don’t talk as if that was an easy decision, damn it! You have no idea how hard it was for me to leave you back then. How much harder it is for me now. Now, you're the mother of my child for God's sake!”
“Hard for you?! Yeah, because this, what’s happening right here,” Kenya said, gesturing toward the throng of onlookers who watched enraptured. “This is really easy for me. And, it was really easy for me five years ago too, when you left.”
“I did that for you!” he yelled, stepping closer.
“No! You did that for you,” Kenya countered. “You know what: You are selfish. Maybe you are just like your father after all. You’re doing the same things that you said he did. It’s the same thing that you did back then. You’re trying to protect your ego, protect the image you have of yourself, the image you have of me. Were you really afraid that I would give up everything to care for you or were you afraid that I wouldn’t?”
The crowd had another audible response.
“I...” Caden took a slight step back.
Kenya had struck a nerve, and she knew it. She had gotten much closer to the mark than she had expected. The mask slipped, and Caden’s eyes were filled with worry.
“Really, Caden? Did you think you held all the capital for feelings in our relationship? Did you think that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me? If that’s the case, why were you even going to propose? Isn’t the whole point to be together for better or worse? Sickness and health and all that? Or did you just plan on being with me only for the good times? I guess if I was the one sick that means you could’ve abandoned me?”
“What? Of course not! How can you even think that?” he said moving closer again and reaching out to her.
Kenya slapped his hands away. “Well, that’s what you expect me to do isn’t it? You
think that I only want you if you are perfect. Well, newsflash! I already know you’re not perfect. Trust me; cancer is not what did it. You have always been such a persistent infuriating stubborn idiot! And you do stupid things, like try to solve everyone else’s problems even if it just creates more for yourself...or for them. And, you apparently think that being able to still love someone when they get sick is different than being able to still love someone when they get old. So that makes you vain too. I don’t love your body, Cay. Well, I do love your body,” Kenya said with a smirk.
A small chuckle rippled through the crowd.
“But, I’m not in love with it,” she continued. “I’m in love with you. Imperfect as you are, you are perfect for me.”
“Kenya, you don’t understand. I...arrrgh!” Caden dropped his head back, his fingers clutching his blond curls as if he planned on pulling them from the sides of his head. Caden looked down at her sadly. Kenya had no idea what she was asking for. She had no idea what would be in store for her if he got sick again. That’s why he didn't tell Kenya, and that’s why he didn't regret it, because he knew what it was like.
Caden remembered those first two years, going through chemo and radiation treatments, when every day seemed to get worse. He remembered how emaciated he became. After losing about a hundred pounds and all his hair, he could no longer recognize his face or body in the mirror. His skin was ragged, and he looked as though he had aged fifty years. He remembered the constant vomiting, being unable to keep anything down, having no appetite. He had gotten so weak that he could barely stand, was practically bedridden, and for a while couldn't even go to the bathroom on his own. It was embarrassing. Emasculating. The family hired a nurse to take care of him, because he refused to let his mother do it. There was nothing he could do for himself other than not die. And, even that was not in his control.
His mother was at his side most of the time, even though he tried to shoo her away so she could get some rest, and Caden often thought about Kenya seeing him like this and being forced to take care of him. He didn’t want her to find him unconscious on the bathroom floor laying in his own filth. He could see the worried look in his mother's eyes that she tried to mask. He heard her and Lottie’s conversations, and worse their crying, when they thought he was asleep. It broke his heart every time. How could he regret not putting Kenya through that? How could he be expected to bear watching her go through that?
