by Hughes, Maya
I dipped the razor into the warm water and went back to his face. There was no sound in the room other than the gentle scrape of the sharpened metal against his skin, droplets of water hitting the small pool in the sink, and our combined breath.
Down his cheek. Around his chin. His upper lip. He held my gaze. The look in his eyes was like the one he’d had that first time we sat listening to music on the beach. Not the bitter one I’d run up against over the past couple months, or the one who’d taken me like a man who’d lost everything, but like the smiling guy who only wanted to cheer me up. The one who made my heart race for totally different reasons than the Colm I’d met again later.
But I loved them both. An internal jolt rocked me at those words. I loved them both. Only I didn’t mean Colm and Preston. It was Colm—then and now. Two sides of the same coin and I’d given my heart to them both for completely different reasons.
My hand dropped away from his face and I lifted the towel from around his neck to gently wipe away the remnants of the shaving cream.
“How’s it look?” He stared into my eyes like he was peeling away the layers of my soul, flaying me with a raw emotional energy that threatened to overpower me.
Lifting my hand, I wiped away the last of the cream on his earlobe. “You look like the old Colm.” I forced the words past my lips, unable to say more.
He shoved down his sweats with one hand and pushed inside of me in one smooth motion, not stopping until he was fully seated, stretching and opening me like only he could. Every nerve ending came alive like I’d been attached to a live wire.
I held onto him with my arms wrapped around his back. My face rubbed against the newly clean shaven cheek.
He buried his head in the crook of my neck.
This wasn’t the furious coming together that seemed to have conquered every sense I had, but it was overwhelming nonetheless.
He ground against me like even an inch of separation was too much. Each rub sent shockwaves through my clit.
Wrapping my legs around his back, I pulled him closer. His thundering heartbeat drummed against my chest.
“More,” I moaned against his skin. Every cell was singing and I was blissed out like never before.
Snaking one hand up my back, he gripped my hair at the back of my neck, before retreating and slamming back into me. The force and power sent an explosive orgasm ricocheting through me, every cell hanging on for dear life as the sensory overload threatened to shut me down.
I threw my head back and screamed out his name.
His hungry kisses peppered my shoulders and neck. He tightened his hold on me, expanding inside of me as he came.
We clung to each other, breathing through the comedown from the all-consuming energy between us.
“Does that count as second breakfast?” I ran the back of my hand across his smooth cheek.
“Nope, I didn’t get to eat you, so it doesn’t count as a meal.” He trailed his fingers up and down my spine.
Neither of us let go, content to be in one another’s arms and cocooned in this perfect moment.
“Move in with me.” His head jerked back and he stared into my eyes, brushing the sweaty hair back from my face.
My lips parted, but the words stalled. “I—we can’t.”
“Do you have an ankle monitor I don’t know about? Why can’t you? Why can’t we? You’re going to have my baby. I want you here with me.”
Every part of me wanted to scream out yes and fling my arms around his neck. But it was all so new. We had a future together, in some form, but we hadn’t really even dated and he wanted me to move in? Why was he asking now?
He loosened his arms and dropped one hand to my stomach. “The two of you.”
The baby. This was that good guy thing of his. He was pulling himself out of a period of recovery. He’d have a lot to focus on once he was back on the team. He needed to focus on himself—at least for a bit. Now wasn’t the time to add whatever it was we were doing on top of trying to figure out being new parents.
29
Colm
It hadn’t taken much convincing to get her to stay. Our breakfast had turned into lunch, which flowed into dinner. It was a day like the one I’d wanted to have after our first night together. It was one I’d hoped we’d have even more of in the future. Today, things had been different.
She’d been different. She’d scraped away the beard I’d been hiding behind, chiseled at the walls I’d erected around my heart and let hers down for a fraction of a second. Then I’d asked her to move in with me.
It was a stupid move, but I wanted this every day. I wanted her sitting on the edge of the sink, watching me shave every morning. But then I did what I always did. I jumped eight steps ahead, pushing things too hard too fast. Take a breather, Frost.
I tugged down the sheet covering her and stared at the gentle curve of her stomach. She was into the second trimester now, but the bump was still small. Inside her was a piece of her and me that would forever link us.
Every dream I’d had about her for the last five years was coming true in a way I’d never imagined. We’d made something beautiful together and I’d get to meet him or her in four or five months.
Calls needed to be made. We’d go to the best doctors and the best hospital. Normally, setting foot in a hospital sent my stomach roiling, but it would be different this time.
All those ideas I thrown out about not needing to take responsibility for anyone had been me trying to brush aside a hole in my life. Aimless and without any direction, I’d have done whatever I needed to cope, but it was with Imogen. We could be parents together.
A ring. I needed to buy a ring. I’d been ready to marry her that night on the beach, why the hell wouldn’t I want to do it now? Back then I would’ve been a guy who didn’t know any better, but now I did. I’d gone through the relationship gauntlet, disregarding my instincts, and it had been a disaster every time. I’d convinced myself things couldn’t be this easy. I couldn’t feel a connection to someone and be drawn to them and know they were the right person for me.
Only it wasn’t crazy, because here we were years later and she still made me feel the same way. Hell, I felt even better than before, and now she felt the same—and she was pregnant. It was the universe finally giving me a break; I couldn’t second-guess this now. How would I get her to see that too?
Slow down, Colm. This was what got me in trouble before, skipping ahead of where we currently were. At this point, I was happy when she was still in my bed when I woke up—were we ready for a step that big?
She’d pushed me hard to regain what I’d lost. But taking that next step, getting back on the ice, scared the shit out of me. Maybe, if I could show her that everything had worked and I was back to being that guy, she wouldn’t be so freaked out about making things serious between us. Making this real.
The father of her child wouldn’t be a washed up, unreliable, reclusive mess of a hockey player. I’d do everything right by her. She was different than any woman I’d been with before and I was different now. The mistakes of my past wouldn’t be the mistakes of my future. I’d have a better future with her.
Wrapped around her, I knew what I needed to do. The step I’d need to make to set everything back on track. Breathing in her scent, I let it wash away the worries and strengthen my resolve.
I crept downstairs and grabbed my phone. Scrolling through months of notifications, I found our group chat. It hadn’t been used in a while. They’d probably created one without me.
Me: Guys, I need your help.
Their replies poured in like they’d been waiting for me to ask all this time. How’d I get so lucky as to have friends like these? They’d stuck by me when I didn’t deserve it one bit.
Emmett: When?
Declan: Where?
Heath: Who?
We hammered out the details in minutes. Ford stayed silent, but I couldn’t blame him after the way things had ended last time. I needed to talk to Liv.
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I sent him another message. His reply came more slowly, but at least he replied. It was more than I’d done.
Gathering up my gear, I sent Imogen a message and let her know where and when to meet me. Then I steeled myself for what came next. My palms were sweaty, slipping off the door handle as I stepped out of my house. The entire drive, my stomach threatened to revolt. There were so many things I’d fucked up in the past year and I’d start making amends today.
The long walk down the apartment hallway sent déjà vu racing through my head. Only this time I wasn’t racing to the same door, pounding on it thinking the worst. But I was prepared for it.
My knuckled rapped against the wood.
“Why’d you want me to—” The words died on the tip of her tongue and Liv stared back at me with fury blazing in her eyes. “What do you want?” Her fingers tightened on the door.
“I came to talk.”
“Now you want to talk. Now you show up.” She shoved at my chest. “Why didn’t you answer any of my calls? Or texts?” Each word accompanied by another shove.
“Because I’m an asshole.”
Her eyes widened.
“Quit hitting him.” Ford came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, tugging her into his apartment. Their apartment. “Come in.”
“Are you in on this?” She glared up at him.
“He’s here. Let that be enough for now.”
Liv jerked her arms down and out of his grip. “Fine. Talk. I’m going to go sharpen the knives.”
True to her word, she jerked open one of the drawers and grabbed a knife and sharpening stone. No one could say I’d helped raise a pushover. The metal scrape of the knife was the only sound in the loft apartment.
“I’ve been an asshole.”
“You said that already. I’m going to need more.” She drove the blade down over the stone.
Ford sat on the chair at the kitchen table.
I sighed. “And I was wrong.”
A pointed glare from Liv.
“You’re your own person and I should’ve respected your choices. It’s not up to me to dictate how you live your life.”
The metal clattered to the stone. “I get you being upset we lied.” A brief flash of guilt shot across her face. “And if I’d known you were coming back early I’d have never said not to tell you about the fire. I knew you’d overreact and I didn’t want you to worry when you were finishing up your rehab and I was completely safe.”
“That was a mature and considerate thing to do.”
She picked up another knife. “Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not.” I held up my hands, palms out. “I’m not patronizing you.”
“And I know the little video didn’t help things.” Her cheeks flushed.
I winced, trying to scrub the memory from my mind. If mental bleach were a thing I’d be the first in line at the store.
“Let’s never talk about that again.”
“Deal.” The word shot out of her mouth and she set down the knives.
“So why are you here now?” What made you show up out of the blue?”
I dragged my hands over my face. “A lot’s been going on.”
She rounded the kitchen counter. “Is everything okay?”
“Things are good. Great even, but…I couldn’t take this next step in my life without setting things right with you. I should’ve done this a long time ago.”
“No shit,” Ford mumbled under his breath.
“What’s changed?” Liv walked around the breakfast bar and leaned against one of the chairs. “Why has your obsession with me going to med school and not ruining my life changed?” She put ‘ruin’ in air quotes.
I stared out the large industrial windows to the morning sky outside. “After that first night at the hospital, I didn’t let you come back.”
Her head jerked back at my abrupt change in topic.
“It scared the shit out of me. Being behind the nurses’ station, coloring and drinking those tiny cranberry juice cups, waiting for them to get out of surgery was a hell of a lot different than seeing them both in those beds.” She ran her hands up and down her arms. “But you went for the two days they were there.”
I nodded. The cold, disinfectant-filled rooms and hallways were different when I wasn’t showing up there to retrieve something from my parents in between them scrubbing into surgery, or needing them to sign a permission slip. The nurses were used to me, I melded into the scenery.
“There was a woman in the ICU along with them. The nurses never talked loud enough for most people to hear, but they’d still talk, and the residents were the worst. They never shut up, always trying to show off.”
“And you wanted me to be one of them?”
I tilted my head, giving her a sad smile.
“They were going over the charts and the full patient history. It was a mom. Presented with some insane issues. She was scheduled for surgery for the day after Mom and Dad got into the accident.”
Her room had been beside Dad’s. When the residents did their rounds, wheeling around their laptops, they were pissed. Several had chosen their residencies to work with one or both of my parents. That they were lying in the hospital beds instead seemed like nothing more than an inconvenience to half of them.
“Mom was going to perform the surgery, but they had to call someone else in. Transporting her to another hospital wasn’t going to happen. She wouldn’t make it.
“They did the surgery and wheeled her back into the room. One of the residents talked about her chances where I could hear. They were slim to none. A matter of hours. He said if Mom had been the one at the helm of the surgery, she’d have had a fighting chance. Maybe a fifteen or twenty percent chance of recovering.”
“Colm, no one can know that.”
“Her husband had visited her every day, staying for the whole day like me. We kept running into one another at the coffee machine or cafeteria with that shell-shocked look we always saw people wearing. But after the attending explained things, he left. I thought maybe he couldn’t deal with it, but he came back an hour later.” I brushed the tears off my face. “He had three little kids with him. They couldn’t have been more than six. They were so little. They reminded me of when I’d push you on the tire swing in the backyard.”
Liv held onto my hand.
“And they had little cards they’d made her. I saw them walk by and I could hear them talking to her. They kept telling her they loved her so much and asking when she was coming home and—” My chest ached and I caught the emotions rising in me like a drowning tide. “The dad asked one of the nurses to wait with the kids and broke down in the pantry across from Mom and Dad’s room.”
“Colm, that’s terrible. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.”
“It was my fault.”
“What? No.”
“If I hadn’t bitched about them coming to the game, they’d have been in surgery that day. How many other people were lost because they weren’t there?”
“The other doctors said she’d have only have had a fifteen or twenty percent chance even if Mom and Dad had been there.”
“Every little bit matters. Those kids had to grow up without a mom. They never got to hold her hand again or make her silly cards or shitty macaroni ornaments. And our parents were gone. I stole that chance from them. I took them away from you. The med school fixation, I don’t even know.” I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my shirt. “Maybe I felt like it was righting a wrong or something? A way to repair some of the damage I’d done by taking two doctors from the world. I was trying to give one back.”
Liv wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed me tight. “No one can predict the future. Not even you, you big doofus. You’ve been dealing with this all this time? Carrying this burden that was never yours to bear? We all make choices. We all screw things up, but you can’t take the blame for the fifty things that come down the line after that. It’s not your fault. You were the best parent I coul
d’ve ever had. And I’m sorry you had to carry this with you, but that’s the kind of shitty obliviousness kids are best at.” She let out a watery laugh.
I followed along with that. “I didn’t mean to throw all that out there. I came to tell you I’m sorry and I was wrong.”
“I’m glad you told me everything. No one should have to feel that way. You were an amazing dad, Colm. You took care of me and I appreciate every sacrifice. The opening for an amazing dad was filled and is now closed. But the role of awesome big brother is wide open and yours, if you want it.”
“That I can do. I might need some pointers every so often.”
“Don’t worry.” Ford came up and held out his hand. “I’ve got you covered.”
I grasped it and he tugged me up for a hug.
30
Imo
“We’ll get back to you as soon as we have the final numbers for the new clinic. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay in Philly? We have an office in Center City, not far from your current location. State of the art facility with interesting and challenging patients. Our new practice by the shore will mainly cater to the over 60s. Run of the mill hip and knee recoveries.”
“Yes, of course.” The rightness of this decision ticked down each day, but walking away scared me. Walking away from this job meant walking to what? Colm and I hadn’t even figured out us, and now there would be a baby stacked on top of that question mark in our lives.
What if he was traded to a team on the other side of the country? What if he didn’t want to shoulder the responsibility of fatherhood after already being that guy for as long as he’d remembered? What if he spiraled again?
I pulled up to the rink, not sure why Colm had told me to meet him here. There were a few cars in the parking lot. The practice rink in Jersey wasn’t anywhere near as flashy as the stadium. Hell, from the outside it was barely a step above the Roll With It Skate World, but at least the sign wasn’t missing any letters.
