This was worse than I ever thought it could be. My love sat before me broken and in pain, and he didn’t think he was worthy of better. “Listen to me carefully,” I said in a stern tone that caught his attention. “My devotion to you isn’t blind. I see that you’re not perfect, and I want you regardless. I see your flaws and your pain, and I still want you—I’m still choosing you.” I ducked my head for a moment, looking for the resolve to say everything I needed to. “We’re all looking for somebody to love, and I’ve found you. You’re it for me, Rem, and that’s not a compromise on my part.
“I won’t force you to stay if you truly want to leave, but if you think you have to, I’m telling you, you don’t. I want you here with me more than anything, and today hasn’t changed that in the slightest. I need you to understand that. So I’m asking you again to please, please stay with me.”
Remy wasn’t moving. He might have even been holding his breath before his chest heaved on a long exhale. “I don’t want to keep hurting you. I feel like I’m falling, and I don’t know how to stop.”
“Fall on me. Stay with me. Promise me you’ll talk to me about anything. I can handle whatever you’re going through, but I need to know about it.”
Remy dragged his teeth across his bottom lip, then sighed, looking even more drained than he had in the shower. “Will you do the same?”
My brows flew up at his redirect. After what I’d just asked of him, I couldn’t lie or downplay my own issues without being the world’s biggest hypocrite. Talking about the extent of how much my scar bothered me wouldn’t be easy, but I was asking a lot of Remy, and that couldn’t be easy on him either. It was a fair request, so I nodded.
“Can you say it, please?”
“I promise I’ll be completely honest about everything.” I swallowed hard. “Including my revulsion to my scar and how much it controls me sometimes.”
Remy bowed his head and cleared his throat. “We’re a fuckin’ mess, you and I. Me more so than you.” He smiled, though it was shaky and didn’t reach his eyes.
“I want you as you are, Rem. If you’re broken now, I want to be there to help you heal.”
“Okay. I’m so fucking sorry. The words are probably worthless right now, but I mean them.” He still looked so lost and unsure despite my promise.
“Come here,” I said, patting my leg. He climbed into my lap without hesitation. “I’m sorry that you had to go through this alone.” I ghosted my finger over where he’d been struck earlier. “Are you okay?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been hit harder than that before.”
“Remy,” I chided.
“That wasn’t funny. I’m sorry. I’m… I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
“That’s all right.” I kissed his cheek, then his forehead. “Is there anything else I should know before we put today behind us?”
Remy’s eyes darkened and he looked frightened. “I—”
He cut himself off and looked away. I caught his chin between my thumb and index finger and turned him back toward me. My lips met his in a slow press, then he whimpered and melted against me. The nagging uncertainty that’d plagued me since we got home melted away, and I felt like I had him back.
“I mean it—you can tell me anything.”
“You’re not gonna like it.” I kissed him again to dispel his doubts. “I was planning on killing myself—back in Cali.”
My mouth fell open, and I clutched him tighter. “What?”
His mouth trembled, but he pressed on. “I was going to do it that night the hospital called me. I don’t know exactly why I even answered the phone. I was at my lowest point, and I didn’t have a reason to keep going.”
“You have me, and Rosalind.”
He shook his head. “I didn’t then. I was going to do it after your shoulder got better—after I had a chance to try to make amends. Then you asked me to stay, and I wanted to. Somewhere along the way I realized that I couldn’t fucking go through with it.” He hid his face in my neck and inhaled deeply. “You smell like home, Max. Like everything I’ve always wanted and didn’t deserve.” He pulled back and brushed his thumb over my lips, catching my scar. “I love you more than I could ever say.”
“I love you too.” I kissed him again, only to be interrupted by his yawn.
“I’m sorry. Long fucking day.”
I nodded, then let go of him. “We could both use some rest.”
He grunted, stealing a page out of my book, then rolled out of my lap. He was only gone long enough for me to lie down, and then he was back, resting his head on my chest.
“You swore today, babe.”
I hummed, twirling my fingers around his nape.
“You swore twice.”
“It’s not going to happen again. And don’t tell Macalister.”
He groaned. “Fuck. That guy is going to hate me again.”
“He won’t. I’ll talk to him.”
“No, I think I should. How did you find me, anyway?” he asked, craning his neck to look at me.
“Your laptop. I—” I stumbled over the words, suddenly embarrassed. “I guessed your password and checked your messages to find out where you’d gone.”
Remy kissed my chest, then set his head back down. “Thank you. I have to give that money back.”
“No more of that tonight. We can talk about it after we’ve gotten some sleep. We’ll get it sorted.”
“Okay.”
Within minutes, Remy’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep. Today was a righteous mess, but I had hope that we’d go into tomorrow with more perspective and we’d fix it. We weren’t broken—everything else could be worked on with time.
Eighteen
Remy
I’d been such a fucking idiot about nearly everything in my life. I’d lied, cheated, abandoned those who loved me, lived a soulless, vapid life, and yet I’d still been given another chance. I woke up plastered against Maxim’s side with a leg over one of his, and his arm around me. Despite how awful the last twenty hours had been, I felt safe.
Even so, I was still a massive idiot. I thought I’d lost everything, but I still had Max. For whatever reason, I still had Max, and my stupidity had almost cost me him. I’d meant it when I promised him I’d be honest about everything from here on. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes that kept me feeling miserable. It was going to be an adjustment, but I’d fucking do it for him—maybe even for myself one day.
If I thought I didn’t deserve Maxim before, I sure as hell didn’t now. I also knew that I couldn’t live without him, and I didn’t have to. Whether I thought I deserved him or not didn’t change my feelings for him, or his for me. It took me a long time to understand that, and would likely be something I’d be reminding myself of daily. I had to trust that Maxim could love me while looking out for himself. I still believed that I’d be his downfall, but I couldn’t expect those feelings to change after one fucking nap.
Regret would be with me for a long time as well. My desperation-fueled horrible decision and the shame I’d felt when Maxim saw me on my knees are things that would undoubtedly stay with me. I tipped my head up to see his face, or at least part of it, and was startled to see his head propped up and his eyes open.
“Did I wake you up?” I asked in a rough voice.
A subtle shake of his head answered my question. “I’ve been awake for about an hour.”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been thinking. How much money did that email say you owed?”
The reality of yesterday came crashing back, souring what should have been another lazy, sex-filled morning with Maxim. “Just under ten grand.”
He hummed, drawing his brows together in thought. He kissed my forehead, then moved to sit up, stopped by my tightened grip.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to tell Rosalind you’re okay. And I’d like to have my lawyer take a look at that email. We’ll pay whatever is legally owed.”
I sighed, rolling onto
my back. “You mean you will.” I sounded like a brat—I knew I did. I just hated feeling like I was taking advantage of Maxim.
“Rem,” he said, sounding as exhausted as I felt, yet somehow still sympathetic. “It’s not the same. It’s not, okay?” He ran his hand over the hair obscuring my forehead, letting the strands slip between his fingers. “I’m going to help you because I love you and I want to. I would do the same thing for Macalister or Bryan if they needed it.”
“It’s a lot of money for you.”
“I wouldn’t toss you aside, regardless of how much was on the line. All I want is for you to be happy and safe. Ten thousand dollars isn’t a lot to pay for that.”
“Promise me you’ll let me pay you back when my trust is released.” I still had three years left of the funds being held hostage by my parents. After that, they could fuck off.
He nodded. “If that’s what you need. I’ll be right back.” Maxim rose to his feet and the sight of him naked was almost enough to make me forget about the mess I’d dragged him into.
No, that wasn’t right. He’d willingly entered into it, and I had to recognize that there was a difference. This wasn’t me bringing Maxim down; this was him choosing to help me, and I had to respect his decision.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it when I talk shit about myself, but this is hard for me.”
“It’s all right. This adjustment will take time. We’ve both been less forthcoming than we should have been. All we can do now is work at improving that going forward.” He slipped on a pair of boxers, which did very little to diminish any distraction. “Are you hungry?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll bring some breakfast after I make a few calls. Do you…” He bit his lip and lowered his gaze from mine. “Do you mind if I use your computer? I might need to forward that email.”
“Go ahead.” I propped myself up on my elbows while he picked up my MacBook, which was still on the floor from when he’d used it yesterday—or however many hours ago it was. “I’m not pissed about what you did. I mean it. You don’t have to feel guilty. I don’t want to think about where I’d be if you hadn’t.”
Maxim clenched a fist by his side and inhaled sharply, clearly displeased by the mention of how he’d found me. “You don’t have to worry about that now. Rest. I’ll be back.”
I tracked his movements as he left the room, then fell flat on my back. Maxim’s voice floated in from the living room, but I drifted off before I could discern who he was talking to.
When I woke up again it was clearly night. No cracks of light peeked around the edges of the curtains, and the city was quieter than it would be during the morning or afternoon. The bed felt too damn good, though my full bladder and growling stomach had other plans.
I rolled out of bed and slipped on some pajamas pants before heading for the bathroom. Once I was back in the hall, the distinct smell of pizza filled my nose and made my stomach growl again.
Max was in the kitchen, chopping up an orange bell pepper and keeping an eye on a pan on the stove. His lips lifted in that adorable lopsided grin when he saw me.
“Hi,” he said, almost sounding shy.
“Hey.” I leaned against the counter on the other side of the stove with my arms crossed. “You didn’t wake me up.”
“I tried. You were sound asleep. I figured you needed it.”
That was fair. “What time is it?”
“Almost eight. There’s pizza in the oven, and I’m also making some rice so it’ll be perfect for frying tomorrow.”
“Fuck, you’re perfect. And here I thought you were going to make me eat vegetables,” I replied, rubbing my stomach.
Maxim hummed, then set down the knife and opened the fridge. He pulled out a bowl of mixed greens, tomatoes, sliced cukes, and some small cubes of feta—a fucking salad. “I forgot to add peppers earlier. You’re not having any pizza until you eat at least half of this.”
“It’s like that now?”
He tried to hide a smirk as he bowed his head and grunted.
“What kind of pizza is it?”
“Lou Malnati’s. Pepperoni and double sausage,” he answered in a smug tone. That handsome bastard knew I wouldn’t be able to say no to that.
“Shit,” I hissed. “I accept your terms.”
He hummed again, not looking up from his task. A silence I wasn’t too comfortable with fell over us, and I didn’t know how to feel about it. I was more than used to silence with Maxim, but this felt almost awkward. It wasn’t him—he’d treated me with nothing but love and understanding. It was me; I couldn’t shake how guilty I felt about how I’d handled my situation.
Before I could get too deep into my self-loathing, Maxim wrapped his arms around me and pulled me snug against him. The fingers of one hand teased my nape while his other clutched my waist. “Stay with me, love.”
They were the same words he’d said to me before, though they had a double meaning now. I returned his embrace and closed my eyes, breathing in his familiar scent mixed with the aromas from his cooking. Maxim was a solid reminder of why moving past this was so important. Dwelling on my shitty choices wouldn’t do either of us any good. I had to try harder and do everything I could.
“I think I need to see a shrink.”
Maxim rubbed up the side of my neck, just behind my ear. “I think that would be wise. Maybe… I should too.”
“Yeah? Okay.” I huffed out a deep breath, feeling lighter.
“In the spirit of transparency, I have a few things to tell you. They can wait until after we eat, though.”
I pulled back far enough to look up at Maxim and raised a brow. “You can’t drop that and not tell me right away.”
“They’re good things… I think.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and growled, though it didn’t sound nearly as sexy as when he did it.
“Braddock officially offered me a new job as a superintendent, and I said yes.”
My eyes went so wide they nearly popped out of my skull, and my smile was just as big. “Holy shit—are you serious?”
He nodded and grunted quietly. “It will be an adjustment, but I think it will work. I’ll be in charge, though not in everyone’s focus.”
I lifted up on my toes to press my lips to his when I felt his hands slid down under my ass and lift me up. I gasped as our lips met and he spun us around to set me on the clean part of the counter.
“I’m so fucking proud of you. You’re going to be perfect.”
“Thank you. It has a fairly significant pay increase as well, which brings me to my second point.” He looked down and licked his lips, clearly nervous. “I’ve been speaking to my financial advisor about buying a house. I’ve even gone to some open houses over the last couple of months.” Maxim rubbed his hands up and down my spread thighs, giving them a light squeeze near the top. “I was thinking of surprising you, but I should have spoken to you about it. So, I’m asking now: do you want to live with me? In a proper home of our own?”
I stared at him blankly with my mouth ajar while I processed his words. There were a hundred reasons why I felt I should say no: self-doubt, me being underserving, and taking advantage of Maxim being near the top. Though they were drowned out by my overwhelming desire to be close to him. I loved him with every fiber of my fucking soul, and I wanted to believe that we could be happy again.
“Remy?”
“Yes.” I cupped his neck, lacing my fingers together at his nape and nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck yes, Max.”
His eyes lit up before he closed the short distance between us and kissed me so tenderly that I forgot all about my hunger. I hooked my ankles behind him, keeping him close while I deepened the kiss with a sweep of my tongue against his.
A loud beep made both of us jump and break apart. “The pizza is ready,” Maxim said, his chest heaving.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” It was then that my stomach betrayed my words with the loudest groan of protest. I squeezed my eyes shut
and muttered a curse while Maxim broke into a rich, deep laugh.
He gave my sore cheek a soft peck, then stepped back and slipped on an oven mitt. “You’re a bad liar.”
“That one doesn’t really count.”
Maxim shook his head, then opened the oven and took out the pizza, setting the pan on the unused back burners.
I slid off the counter, resigned to the idea of eating the best pizza in the world. “Did you go out and get this while I was asleep?”
“Macalister brought it over. He called earlier to check in.” He handed me two plates, then the bowl of salad. I had to admit that it looked pretty good.
A sigh forced its way out of me, though it wasn’t one of defeat. I really had to thank that guy later.
“Go on. Let’s eat.”
With one last quick peck, I headed for the living room with Maxim right behind me.
Keeping up with the trend of not putting off difficult conversations and being open, we discussed Maxim’s call to his lawyer after supper. It was advised we pay back the cost of the flight and the money I’d spent upon arriving back in Chicago. All else was Stan being petty and vindictive. Shocker.
Maxim’s lawyer drafted up a reply on the office letterhead basically saying we were ready for court and looking forward to explaining the nature of our relationship to a judge. Maxim had wanted my approval before giving the go-ahead for the response to be sent. I gladly gave it. Stan cared too much about his public image to be dragged in open court, no matter how angry he was with me. Maybe I’d have been able to come to that conclusion myself had I not panicked when I got his message.
I returned the money from the “party” and blocked Jonas’s number. Maxim wanted to strangle the life out of him, though he seemed content enough with me promising not to contact him again. I thought that was more than fair.
Roz was angry with me when I told her what I’d done. I also had to persuade her not to kill Jonas and stooped as low as reminding her of her Hippocratic oath, which she didn’t hesitate correcting me on. Apparently, that was an outdated custom and movies and television were a lie. Go figure.
Somebody to Love (Crazy Little Thing Book 3) Page 18
