by Anna Albo
"I don't know either. I just want to let things happen. I don't want to set out a plan or a schedule, that's not how it works. It has to be fluid."
"I can do that."
He rolled his eyes. "You don't even know what it is that you think you can do."
I let out a frustrated sigh. "Is this about sex?"
"No," he said, rising. "It's about you letting go, not being so introverted. I try to break your shell and you push me away. This is too much work. You're too much work. I'm going out with the guys so I won't be around tonight."
He went to his room and I sat there, dumbfounded and hurt. That was it, I was giving up.
HELEN WAS A NICE DIVERSION. We trained for the upcoming tournament and each time I hit a ball I imagined it was either Jake or Bianca. After about twenty minutes, Helen put up her hand and motioned me over to the net. She was huffing and puffing and I gave her a minute to catch her breath.
"Who pissed in your Corn Flakes this morning?" she asked.
"What?"
"I can't keep up with today. You've got no mercy for me. I know you want to whip me into shape, but you might kill me first."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean it."
"You want to tell me what's wrong, or is it none of my business?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine."
"If you need to talk, this old broad can give you some sound advice. I've been around the block more than a few times."
"Thanks, I appreciate it."
I wasn't about to tell Helen my troubles with Zach. For a whole week he and I said little to each other. We went to and from school and most evenings he busied himself playing basketball, hockey, or studying at the library. Everything I didn't want to happen was exactly what was happening.
"Let's call it a night. We'll train again on Sunday?"
"Yes." Our qualifiers were coming up, not that I was worried. I'd seen a few other teams practicing, and they weren't going to be much of a challenge.
I went home and found Zach in his usual spot eating Chinese takeout. He didn't share and I didn't ask. Instead I made myself a salad and was eating alone at our dining room table when Genie stormed into the apartment, a few bags in hand.
"Steve and I are over," she announced.
Zach looked up from the sofa, chopsticks in midair, and I was still chewing my last bite. Genie threw down her bags and sat across from me.
"He's been screwing around behind my back. For months! That asshole!
Zach joined us and we watched and listened as she gave the play-by-play of Steve's latest shenanigans. A two-year relationship over, and Genie didn't seem exactly heartbroken. She was more furious than anything else.
"All those late nights working had nothing to do with work! The shit was sneaking around."
"You know I never liked the guy," Zach said.
"I know Mom and Dad are going to celebrate when they find out. I hate when they're right."
"I guess you're moving back here?" Zach asked.
"For now, yes."
"You can have your room back. I'd be happy to take the sofa," I volunteered.
"No, I'll take the sofa," Zach said, throwing me a look of disapproval. "Genie, you take my room until we figure something out."
"Sorry guys, I know you had a nice arrangement here. It's only for another six weeks."
"Zach cannot stay on the sofa for six weeks," I protested.
"Look, we'll figure something out. For tonight that's the arrangement," Zach said, exasperated. His fuse was short lately.
Zach helped Genie bring up the last of her things while I puttered in the kitchen putting together a last-minute dinner for her. We had lettuce, tofu, mushrooms and rice, so I put together some vegetarian lettuce wraps. A part of me was happy to have Genie around. She'd cut the tension in the apartment. A non-hostile face would be a nice change.
"This has to be homemade lemonade," Genie said while she ate. I had a lettuce wrap and so did Zach. We didn't want her eating alone.
"Pretty much everything around here is from scratch," Zach said.
"Emma, stop spoiling my brother. He doesn't deserve it."
"Sure he does," I said with a little laugh. Genie had already lifted the storm clouds hovering over the apartment.
He looked at me from across the table and gave me the smallest smile. My heart fluttered.
"And you just whipped up the ingredients for lettuce wraps? The seasoning is perfection."
"Sorry it's such a meager dinner. That's all we had. I was going to do groceries tomorrow."
"I could eat this every day. I'm so used to eating out. I think I'm going to look forward to the next month and a half."
We finished eating and Genie went to take a shower, to cleanse the dirt of Steve. Her words. Zach helped me with the dishes which was a pleasant surprise.
"I don't mind taking the sofa. I'm the interloper."
"Em, it's fine. It won't kill me."
He didn't sound annoyed anymore.
"I bet you're happy about Steve."
"Let's just say I don't mind sleeping on the sofa for six weeks if it means he's out of Genie's life for good."
"It's going to be fun with the three of us here."
He smirked. "Not exactly what I was thinking."
It made sense to give Genie back her old room. I took a few of my things and set up camp in Zach's room. In all the months I'd lived with him, I'd never been in there. He didn't have much in it other than the largest bed he could fit, a nightstand, a dresser, a mirror, and a three-shelf bookcase filled to the brim with all kinds of books from how-to to who-done-it with a modest selection of science fiction. On the nightstand was a simple lamp, an alarm clock, and the latest book he was reading on carpentry. The best part of the room was his fully equipped bathroom.
I set my stuff down and rejoined them in the living room debating what television show to watch.
"I'm not watching that," Zach said. "I suggest you watch television in your own room."
"Emma, how do you get him to change the station?"
"I usually don't mind watching sports, and when I get bored, I read a book."
She pursed her lips. "I guess I'll be watching in my room."
"Great idea. Glad I reminded you."
"I'm going to start unpacking. Emma, why don't you help? I was going to give away a bunch of clothes, but I wanted to offer them to you first."
I jumped at that chance. The thought of having some of Genie's designer hand-me-downs was a no-brainer. My wardrobe consisted of casual jeans, yoga pants, workout gear and knit sweaters. The runways of Paris, Milan, and New York had nothing to worry about.
I sat at the edge of my old bed as she went through her bags, piling clothes into the discard pile for me to look at. I took a couple of skirts, a blouse, a few dresses and all the sweaters, some with tags still attached.
"Thanks, Genie. Are you sure?"
"I'm sure! I have so many clothes that I don't have anywhere to put them. Next time you're at the house, we'll go through my closets there. I could probably give you enough stuff to have a different outfit for a month."
"I think you have an addiction."
"Yes, but I like it."
She put away the rest of her clothes, folding and arranging them neatly.
"So you and Steve are really over? You won't change your mind?"
"No, and it's been a long time coming. Lately all he was talking about was getting Dad to find him a job. I started getting the feeling he was using me. And then when I got the vibe he was cheating, it really went south. Once I had it confirmed, it was over. I don't forgive cheaters."
"I'm sorry that he hurt you."
She shrugged. "I'm over it. Like I said, it wasn't a surprise. How are things going with you and Zach?"
A flash of dread came over me. "Good."
"That's not what I mean."
It felt weird talking to her about Zach, but who else could I talk to? "I know. I think I frustrate him and I don't know how to chang
e that. I'm not that fuzzy and cuddly kind of person and I think that's what he wants. And he's under the mistaken impression that I'm still holding out for Jake. I'm not. Not even a little."
Genie shut the door and sat beside me. "I'm getting that you're spooked and he probably is too. Zach's used to dating girls for a while, getting bored, and moving on. Emma, you're that it girl."
"It girl?"
"Yeah, the that's-it girl. And I can guarantee you that it freaks the hell out of him."
"I'm afraid too. I've never been a girlfriend and I know this isn't a casual dating situation. And I'm not planning any weddings, if that's what you're thinking."
Genie laughed. "I wasn't. Do you feel like he's pressuring you?"
"Yes and no. That's not much of an answer, is it?"
"I understand. If he cares about you the way I think he does, he'll wait for you to come around. Don't let Zach or any other guy push you into anything. Promise me that."
"I promise."
It was getting late and I could see by Genie's drooping eyes that she was exhausted. I wished her a good night and returned to the living room. Zach was now watching a late-night hockey game.
"I was going to go to sleep. Do you need anything?"
"Yeah, I should probably get a few things." He leapt up from the sofa and went to his room, returning with a few clothes and a pillow. I'd already taken a spare set of sheets and blankets from the small linen closet and set them down on the sofa.
"Do you want me to help with anything?"
"Nah, I'll be fine."
I felt horrible making him sleep on the sofa. I opened my mouth to offer one last time, but he cut me off before I got a word out.
"It's fine. I've passed out on this sofa enough times. It's comfortable."
Resigned, I went to his room, changed, got into bed and stared at the ceiling. Sleep had no intention of coming. A million thoughts streamed in and out of my head. I could have offered to sleep with Genie so that Zach could have his bed back. I'd do that in the morning. It seemed reasonable. Or...no, I couldn't even go there, or could I? I closed my eyes, envisioning Zach in bed with me, platonic of course, or maybe...I opened my eyes. So many times I wanted to touch him, just like all the times I wanted to touch Jake, but this was different. Tangible. How many times had I longed to have Zach put his strong arms around me? And those kisses? His kisses lit a fire in me.
I sat up trying to shake my thoughts. Sex with Andy had been so mechanical, something between two curious sixteen-year-olds. Neither of us wanted anything more, or at least I didn't. I wanted to have sex, know what it felt like, and move on. But the thought of having sex with Zach was something different. I yearned for him, his touch, his kiss, his breath on my neck. I wanted to wake up next to him, wrapped up in his arms. I wanted him to hold my hand, hug me, and more than anything, I wanted the intimacy you shared with someone you cared for.
I slid out of bed and padded into the bathroom. I switched on the light and it temporarily blinded me until I focused on my surroundings. His cologne was there and I grasped onto it. I loved the way he smelled, fresh and crisp, like a woodsy winter morning. I set it down next to my toiletry bag. It seemed natural, the two of them together.
I ran some cold water and splashed my face. Probably the wrong thing to do when suffering from insomnia, but sleep was the not on the horizon. The hamster in my head was running at full speed on her wheel and until I got thoughts of Zach out of my head, I'd never sleep.
I massaged my temples as my heart raced. I felt like my brain wanted to shut down and sleep, boot that hamster off the wheel, while the rest of me had other ideas. An epic battle was going on and my brain lost.
I tiptoed to the door, opening it slowly so I wouldn't make any noise. The TV was off and no other sounds came from the apartment. I crept down the hallway not knowing what kind of sleeper Genie was. Once in the living room I listened for Zach's breathing and it was deep and even. Did I let him sleep? Did I chicken out and let my brain back into the match?
I made my way to the sofa and knelt down next to him. With the limited light coming from the window I could barely make out his serene face. I still had time to turn back and forget all about this stupid, spontaneous plan.
"Zach," I whispered.
He didn't stir. I grasped onto his arm and called out his name again and his eyes flickered open, adjusting themselves to the dim light.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice groggy.
"Uh, nothing."
"Why'd you wake me up then?"
This was already going so terribly wrong. "Um, I ..." My stomach was full of knots and my brain was telling me to go back to bed and let him sleep.
"Em, what's going on?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbows.
I wanted to kiss him, but I was such a coward. I slunk back, sitting on my heels and staring at him. Why did I start things I could never finish? "I thought ..."
He tilted his head even more perplexed. "Yes?"
Abort, abort! my brain screamed. I shook my head, my inner struggle unknown to him. I was not about to let my brain win this war.
"Come to bed with me." My voice was so quiet I wasn't sure he'd even heard me. His expression didn't change, and it felt like forever before he even blinked.
"Emma—"
"Just come," I said, taking hold of his hand. I threw back the comforter and pulled on his arm. I couldn't stop staring at his toned, bare chest. "Let's go," I said.
He got up and followed me into the bedroom. I closed the door gently and turned to face him. Blood raced through my veins as we stood facing each other.
"Kiss me, already," I said.
"Gladly."
He scooped me into his arms, effortlessly lifting me to his height. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he kissed me, a hungry kiss I happily returned. He brought me to the bed and set me down. He took a moment to stare at me in my t-shirt and pajama shorts. Was he reconsidering? I waited and then he smiled and stretched out onto the bed next to me. At first his kisses brushed against my lips as one hand caressed my back, but then they grew more and more intense, and I let out a small sigh of pleasure. His lips explored my neck before returning to my lips, his tongue passing over mine. I inched closer to him, touching, desperate to feel his entire body against mine. My body tingled now, every part of me wanting him.
His hand moved under my shirt to my breasts and he caressed each of them, pinching and tugging ever so slightly. It felt amazing. I arched my back, pressing my chest into him, feeling his erection against my leg. I wanted to touch it, but I didn't dare do anything wrong.
He helped me out of my top and threw it down on the ground before paying full attention to my breasts, his mouth playing, sucking, and biting down on each nipple. I groaned as his lips found my mouth again, hard and wanting.
His hand resumed its exploration and moved down my back, grabbing hold of a butt cheek. He squeezed—not too hard but enough to get me to lean into him. He broke the kiss and stared at me, not saying a word. His hand slid around over my stomach and under my shorts and down between my legs. His eyes never left mine as his fingers began to massage me. His touch made me shudder. Everything he did made me feel alive. Connected.
"Emma, you're so wet," he said, his voice low.
Just those few words had an impact. I moaned pushing myself into his hand. He slid two fingers inside me and I gasped as they moved, slowly at first before picking up speed. I came without much effort, a blinding ecstasy I'd never felt before and only read about in trashy novels. Zach kissed me to muffle out my cries.
"Are you okay?" he asked, our noses touching.
"Yes," I said, catching my breath.
He slipped off my shorts and underwear before taking off his pajama pants. I sat up, staring at his erection. It was going inside of me and I could hardly wait. He reached over to the nightstand, pulled out a condom and started to unwrap it.
"Wait," I said. "I want to touch you."
He stretched back o
ut onto the bed and I took him into my hand, gently rubbing. He clasped onto my hand, moving it back and forth, showing me the way he liked it. He let go and let me continue, closing his eyes and leaning his head back, letting out a low groan of pleasure.
"You have to stop," he said, "or I'll come."
I did and he took a second before putting on the condom. I watched, taking in every second. He was then on top of me, kissing me, touching me, his fingers inside of me again.
"Em, you have to relax," he said.
"Okay," I murmured. I was anticipating it, him, what it would feel like and I could feel my body constrict. I took a few deep breaths, shutting my eyes and willing myself to calm down.
"Look at me," he said.
I opened my eyes and stared into his. I felt a release, my body opening for him.
"And stop clenching the sheets. Just chill," he said, his lips brushing mine.
I had no idea that both my hands were balled into fists. I opened them and wrapped my arms around Zach.
He moved between my legs, and I wanted to close my eyes, expecting the invasion, but I kept them fixed on his. He guided himself into me, just a little at first but as he sank into me, I felt a little pinch of pain. It had been three years and my only sexual experience had lasted less than thirty seconds.
He did nothing at first, just letting my body get acquainted with him, but as he slowly moved in and out, my body trembled with desire. It felt so good, him inside me, linked to me. He stopped and started, teasing me. I moved against him, thrusting into him.
"Em, I don't know how much longer I can go. You're so tight," he said breathlessly.
"Then come."
With a few frantic thrusts he came and I let out a quiet cry. We stayed that way awhile, his body pressed up against mine, him still inside me, kissing me as my body gently bucked against him.
"I've got to clean up. I'll be right back."
With his warmth gone, I pulled a blanket over top my naked, pulsating body. I tried to cement every moment in my mind. When he slid back into bed next to me, I wrapped my arm around him and nestled my head against his chest, not waiting for an invitation. It was like the spot was made just for me. He caressed my arm and I let out a contented sigh before closing my eyes and drifting to sleep.
