"I can't. Not yet. I got people here counting on me," I finally mutter. Dove and Willa's images fill my mind. I can't walk away from them. I can't break these obsessions. I have to keep going.
"Alright, Nox," Hodge says, ever the patient saint. "You sure you don't want to come?"
"No," I repeat.
"Alright." For a moment, I'm convinced our conversation is over, but then he speaks up again, his tone changing, his voice darker, crueler. "I know what you did to my daughter, Parker."
"What?" I hiss.
"You killed her."
I haven't heard him speak the truth out loud. For years, I was convinced he was shutting his own eyes. Somehow replacing his daughter with me, as if her murderer could somehow make Hodge's pain better.
"Hodge, I..." I don't know whether to defend myself or deny it. It's rare that I'm lost for words.
"Spare me the bullshit." Suddenly, his voice drips with venom. "You killed her. Don't worry, Nox, I'll never make you pay the way you should – behind fucking bars. But there's something else for you to do. Obey me. Give me what I fucking want."
"What's that?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"Come to New York. Do the exhibition."
"But my brother –"
"You don't even have to see him."
"He'll know I'm there."
"We'll keep him away from you," Hodge insists.
"Why are you so obsessed with this?" I hiss. "Why can't you let fucking go?"
"Because you took everything I had away from me," he growls. "So now I'm making you pay."
The truth hurts. I remember what happened just hours ago, how I promised Willa I'd be there for her. But what choice do I have?
"And if I don't?" I ask, anticipating Hodge's answer.
"I'm turning you in," the older man says. "You're going to jail for a very, very long time."
I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but I tighten my jaw, refusing to let my emotions out. My mind reminds me of the darkness within. Rotting, festering. I'm only making things worse.
"Are you blackmailing me?"
"Call it whatever you want," he says, and I can practically feel him smirking. "I'll send you a ticket over email. I'm expecting you in New York in two days."
"What about my life here?" I demand.
"What life?" Hodge seems to revel in hurting me. "You're a monster, Nox. You have nothing, no one. Whoever is in your life will be better off once you leave. They don't deserve to get hurt, do they?"
They.
I think of them.
Willa. Innocent, young. Hurt, abused. On her own without me.
Dove. Broken by me so many times neither of us knows if she can be put back together again.
Maybe Hodge is right. Maybe I'd be doing them a favor by blending into the shadows once and for all, disappearing, unburdening their lives.
Maybe I should do what he says. Seems like I don't have a damn choice, anyway.
I end the call, unable to handle the conversation. A moment later, an email rolls in, telling me I have a flight the next day at noon. It barely gives me any time to say my goodbyes. I have to pack up my meager belongings and get out of here in a few hours.
With a groan, I towel-dry my hair and tell myself the few hours I have left in LA are enough.
I get dressed again, heading to Willa's house first.
The bear is in her bedroom window, silently watching the street. I get closer, dangerously close, telling myself I'll risk it this time, because I know it's the last time.
I peek inside her bedroom, or what passes for it. It's trashed. Her mattress is on the floor and there's a thin blanket covering Willa's sleeping body. I think of calling out to her but think better of it. She needs her rest. But now I've fucked up – just one more thing to add to my endless list of mistakes. I've given the kid false hope. I've made her a promise that I'm breaking the very same day.
I walk away from the house with my hands in my pockets. My conscience is heavy tonight.
There's one more stop I have to make – Dove's house. And if it's hard leaving Willa, leaving Dove will be like ripping my heart out of my body, and trying to fucking survive.
She's alone tonight, no Raphael in sight. There’re a few lights on, which means I should keep my distance, because little bird is still awake. And yet I can't help myself.
I stand close by, catching a glimpse of her here and there. I'm grateful she's not in full view. It would only make what I have to do worse. I don't think I'd be able to leave if I saw Dove properly tonight. Something pulls me back to her every time, reminding me my blackened heart belongs here, with her.
"Hey, creep. Got a problem?"
The words take me by surprise and my heart beats into overdrive as I spin around. And there he is, Raphael Santino in all his tall, dark and handsome glory.
"What are you doing here?" he demands as realization dawns on him. "Hey, I know you."
"No, you don't," I mutter, bumping my shoulder into his, hard, as I make my way away from Dove.
"You need to stay away from her."
"You need to shut your mouth before it gets you in trouble," I hiss.
He grabs me by the shoulder. He may be bigger and broader but I'm fast, and I've been defending myself my whole life. I slam Raphael against the wall of Dove's house, not giving a shit.
"Don't fucking touch me," I snarl at him. "And... take care of little bird."
The guy knits his brows together. "We finally getting rid of you?"
I don't answer him, just slam him against the wall again and snarl at him like a wild dog.
"Don't come back here again," Raphael calls out after me. "If you know what's good for you."
I smirk as I put more and more distance between myself and my woman.
I never was very good at following orders. But I'll give Dove the space she needs to heal.
For now.
Chapter 36
Dove
"How does that make you feel?"
I fidget with the hem of my dress. I'm not wearing leggings or tights underneath it today, and the dress hits the top of my thighs, exposing minimal scarring. I feel confident, though. When a woman stared me down on the street, I stared right back. I'm not letting anyone intimidate me anymore. I've been through enough to know I'm strong enough to fight back.
She looked away, and I kept walking with my head held high until I reached the offices of Dr. Christensen. This is my third visit, and Dr. Christensen says I've already made progress on my journey. That's what he calls this path of healing – a journey.
I shrug. "I don't know. She seemed to be judging me and that hurt. I felt like... I felt like my mother was watching me."
"Does your mother judge you?"
I laugh bitterly. "Always and forever."
"Is that why you've cut off contact with her for the most part?"
Dr. Blake Christensen must be my age, or a little older. He must be fresh out of medical school. His diplomas line the walls in his office. He's handsome – someone my mother would adore. She'd love it if I brought a guy like him home. Educated, probably loaded. But I have no interest in him, and he's been nothing but professional, focused on getting me to a better place.
"Yes," I finally nod. "She was always a negative influence in my life. Toxic. She's a narcissist for sure."
The doctor chuckles, writing something down in his pad. "I see we've reached the same conclusion, Dove."
I manage a weak smile as he leans forward, watching me closely. "Our time is almost up, but I'd love to know more about your relationship with your brother."
Instantly, I look away. I fumble to find my purse and my jacket, not meeting the doctor's gaze. "I should go. I'm meeting Raphael after this."
"Alright," Dr. Christensen says softly. "But one day, we'll have to talk about Robin, Dove."
"Not today," I cut him off sharply, then take a breath of air, filling my lungs. "Not today, please."
Christensen nods and walks me to the door, o
ffering an encouraging smile. "I'll see you next week, Dove."
"You will," I reply, managing a smile as I leave his office.
Raphael is already waiting outside, his wide grin making me feel guilty as fuck. "How'd it go?"
"Okay," I mutter. "As usual."
He doesn't pry. "Want to get some food?"
I nod eagerly. Since Nox's cruel and vicious therapy, my appetite is back with a vengeance. Of course I'm still watching what I eat, but at least I'm not being as paranoid about it as I used to be.
We get an Uber downtown to grab sushi at one of our favorite places. While we wait for a table at the bar, I catch Raphael looking at me and laugh nervously, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"What? Do I have something on my face?"
"No," he grins. "You just look... different than when I first met you."
I cock my head to the side. "Happier?"
"I'm not sure," Raphael admits. "But definitely more confident. Like you're ready to take on the world."
"Thanks." I manage a smile before the hostess shows us to our table. Raphael puts in our order, remembering what I like perfectly, but once again, my smile is weakened by my heavy heart.
"It's good to see you eating," he interjects our small talk later, while we eat. "So good. I'm so proud of you, Dove."
I nod. "You've helped a lot."
He disregards my lie and digs in his pocket, handing me a key. "I want you to have this."
"What is it?"
"A key to my apartment." He opens my palm and places the key inside it. "I want you to move in with me, Dove."
The moments those words leave his lips I feel all the air leave my body as if I've been sucker-punched. It instantly feels like a betrayal. All I can do is imagine how pissed Nox would be about this. I can't do it.
But Raphael's been nothing but patient with me. He hasn't even kissed me. He's remained the perfect gentleman throughout, ever since Nox appeared. He deserves this. And yet I don't want to give it to him.
"I can't leave my house," I whisper. "I… I love it too much..."
"Ok." He smiles to reassure me. "Then let me move in with you, Dove. I want to be with you. Always."
"I..." I bite my lower lip, bad habits coming back to haunt me. "I can't do it. I'm sorry."
I can feel Raphael's gaze on me, but I can't look up. I hate myself for doing this to him. But any other man would've given up sooner. Would have walked away. Not Raphael, though.
"Then answer me this, Dove," Raphael speaks up again. Am I imagining it, or is there a hint of cruelty, an edge of darkness to his voice? I lift my eyes to meet his, and his expression softens. No, I was wrong. He's too warmhearted for me, too kind, too giving. Nox has made me crave the opposite.
"What do you want to know?" I ask.
"Do you want me to keep waiting?"
I don't know the answer to his question. A part of me believes that even if I told him to stop, he wouldn't be able to walk away from me. So, I decide to torture us both, prolonging the inevitable break-up of our friendship. Because that's all it will ever be – at least for me.
He merely nods and we eat the rest of our dinner in silence. But instead of feeling upset about it, I allow my emotions to mellow by listening to the calm, melodic music playing in the restaurant. I remember the doctor's words, how he told me to distract my mind and find strength from the simple things. By the time Raphael and I are finished with our meal, I'm feeling more confident and ready to take on the world again.
We're walking back home when we run into her.
I should've spotted Elise from a mile away with those tottering heels and Pepper barking his head off in her designer purse. She's all but disappeared from my life lately. Partly because her reasons shifted. Partly because I haven't been able to answer any of her messages since I found out the truth about Robin.
"Raphael!" she squeals first, before her eyes fall to me.
Oh.
I forgot about that little detail.
"Dove?" She takes a step closer and her dog growls at me as she kisses each of my cheeks. "How have you been? You two still see each other?"
"Yes," Raphael answers for me, relieving me of the burden. "And we've had a very long day. So, if you don't mind..."
"Oh, sure." Elise's expression falls and she smiles, but it's shaky. "Dove, will you give me a call sometime? I haven't... I haven't forgotten."
My nails try to dig into my hands again but Raphael's strong palm replaces them and he gives me a meaningful look.
"You're okay," he says softly, and I find myself nodding.
That's the thing about Raphael. He's good for me. Unlike Nox, he tries to help me and has me in mind every step of the way. He wants the best for me. He would never hurt somebody I love under the pretense of doing it for our relationship.
As I remember my brother, my stomach tightens into an impossible-to-untangle knot. It hurts. Merely hearing Robin's name is fucking me up. Someday, I'll have to deal with my emotions. But not today. Today, I can keep fucking running.
"I'm sorry," I say to Elise, feeling my voice betray me. "I'll call you when I can. When I feel a little better."
She nods, but the way she looks at us tells me she isn't pleased one bit. I can tell there's something between her and Raphael. If it were Nox, I'd already be losing my mind from the jealousy. But not this time. I'm finding it hard to even care.
Raphael takes my hand and gently tugs me along. "Come on, Dove, we better get going."
I fall into step behind him, leaving Elise standing there. I risk a look over my shoulder, and my eyes connect with the blonde's. She's staring me down, hopeful in a way and annoyed in another. I can tell she doesn't like the friendship I've got with Raphael.
That's too fucking bad, because I'm not going to stop.
***
"Can you turn your shoulder slightly to the left?"
I oblige Raphael's request and he snaps another shot. He grins at me and I offer up a nervous smile. I don't know why I agreed to let him take more photos. But something about the way he does this makes me feel strong instead of vulnerable. Even though I'm naked, I feel confident, powerful. Like I'm the one who decides what happens every step of the way. I never had any of that with Nox. He was too unpredictable for me.
Trying to banish his smirking image from my head, I decide to focus instead on the situation at hand. Raphael is snapping photos in my house this time, in my natural habitat. I'm surrounded by my plants and I feel safe. It's a nice feeling, to finally have that sense of belonging I've been looking for my whole life.
"You look perfect."
I let out a laugh, "Doubtful."
"You do, Dove." He clicks the camera again and gently touches his fingers to my chin, directing me so I'm facing the light. "So beautiful."
I feel a blush creeping into my cheeks. But instead of stopping Raphael, it seems to inspire him, and he fires off more photos, one after the other, click, click, click.
"Are you getting tired?"
"A little," I admit nervously.
"It's okay. The sun's about to set so we can stop now."
He puts away the camera and offers me the silk black robe I was wearing earlier. I accept it gratefully, allowing the fabric to swallow up my nakedness. Even though he's seen me naked a few times now, I still find it awkward. Not that Raphael is the one making it that way, not at all. He's always the perfect gentleman, never making a big deal, never mentioning it at all. But when he lets go of the camera, I always become acutely aware of my own body and my insecurities kick in.
"Do you want to stay the night?"
The question slipping from my lips shocks me, and I flush, avoiding Raphael's gaze. I hope he doesn't think I'm asking that because I want us to...
I flush even harder. I'm merely asking because I'll feel safer with him here. But he doesn't make it awkward, he just smiles and nods. And then there's the smallest, tiniest frisson of excitement. Like something could happen. This is the only time I've felt that
since Nox came back – like I could actually see someone else in a romantic light. It's... refreshing. Different.
"I'm really proud of you, Dove," Raphael tells me and I smile with some uncertainty.
"Why?"
"You're eating better. You're not hurting yourself."
"I guess," I shrug.
"Aren't you proud of yourself?"
I think about his words for a moment, mulling them over in my head. I guess I should be proud. I am making big steps on the road to self-recovery. My trauma is being dealt with in proper ways and I've cut all the toxic people out of my life. And that includes Nox.
So why do I still feel empty deep down, where it matters most?
I shake my head to get the thought out.
"Yeah," I lie. "I'm very proud of myself."
Chapter 37
Nox
1 year later
My life is different now, but I'm still the same monster I've always been.
Dove's absence has impacted me in strange ways. I'm quieter these days, more pensive. I'm not the man who left LA a year ago. I've outgrown him.
But today, my life has put me back in LA. After a full year of touring Europe and the States and doing shows, I'm finally returning to the city where I really want to be. It's as if Hodge knew how much this means to me and kept it away from me on purpose. Denying me the only people I actually give a shit about. Perhaps it's his own version of a fucked-up revenge plan for what I did to his daughter. Either way, I fucking deserved it.
The other difference from then to now is that I have money. I've done all those shows Hodge wanted me to, and I painted every single fucking day. I sold a lot, and now I have a substantial amount under my belt with more on the way. But Hodge's claws are in me, deeper than ever. The man fucking owns me, and he knows it.
I grit my teeth as I pace the luxurious suite. I don't know how long my stay will be, but the suite’s paid for, for the next two weeks. That gives me enough time to check up on some things.
Surprisingly, I don't head to Dove's house first. I ignore every instinct. The siren call of my little bird is strong as ever, but I force myself to pay a visit to my other ward first.
Tyrant Stalker: A Dark Forbidden Romance (Tyrant Dynasty Book 2) Page 23
