by Rose Pearson
Apparently stunned, he turned to her, his lips thin and expression taut.
“You ignore me as much as you can, you do not so much as speak to me for a few days, and all because you disagreed with what I believe to be going on in your heart,” she continued, angrily. “You turned away from me because I grew a little too close for your liking, is that it?” Tossing her head, she scowled at him. “For someone unused to sharing their emotions and their thoughts, Lord Brandeis, you do very well in allowing your behavior to show me exactly what is going on in your heart.”
Lord Brandeis brought his horse to a slow stop, his eyes still fixed on her own. Caroline waited for him to speak, telling herself that she would turn her horse around and return to the estate if she had to, unwilling to allow him to continue to treat her with such disdain.
“You are quite right, Miss Devonshire.”
She paused, her anger ebbing away almost at once. She had not expected him to speak to her with such honesty, nor expected his expression to become a little sad.
“Yes, I have turned my back on you because you have been able to see things about me that I have not allowed anyone – not even myself – to identify for a long time,” he continued, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Everything you said to me in the ballroom that evening, everything you suggested…..” Sighing, he looked away for a moment, trying to keep his composure. “Well, you were entirely correct, Miss Devonshire. And I did not like that you were correct, nor that you appeared to be able to see into my very soul!” Shaking his head, he let out a long, slow breath. “I apologize that it has taken me some days to not only identify this but also to make reparations towards you. I can imagine that you have found it deeply frustrating.”
Caroline was caught off-guard, wanting to tell him that no, in fact, she had not found it troubling in any way whatsoever, but knowing that she was quite unable to speak so dishonestly. He had been in her thoughts almost constantly, although they were mostly thoughts of anger and frustration. Relief swept through her that he was, finally, admitting to her that he had been in the wrong and that he now sought to make things better between them. It was quite overwhelming.
“I am not a man used to sharing my innermost thoughts,” Lord Brandeis continued, turning his face away from her to stare out across the fields in front of them. “I have piled so many other things on top of my feelings about my father and brother that it is rather difficult for me to discover the truth about what is going on in my heart. However, you, Miss Devonshire – Caroline – you have been able to see deep within my heart regardless, although quite how you have done it, I could not say.” His green eyes fixed on her own and, despite herself, Caroline felt her blood quicken. “I shall not turn away from you again, I promise. Instead, I shall do all I can to speak to you as you have spoken to me – with honesty and truth, keeping nothing hidden.” A small, sad smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Perhaps then I might begin to discover my true self. The one hidden beneath the layers of pain and wretchedness that I have tried so long to hide from myself.”
Her heart broke for him and, to her surprise, Caroline found that her desire was to climb down from her horse and wrap her arms around him in an attempt to soothe some of his pain. She could not do such a thing of course, which was perhaps for the best, so she chose instead to reach over and grasp his fingers with her own for just a moment, aware that her heart was beating rather quickly in her chest.
“You need not be embarrassed to speak the truth to me, Lord Brandeis,” she said slowly, aware that he was still rather uncomfortable about speaking so candidly. “I am glad to be of aid to you, truly. I did not mean to insult you or upset you in any way.”
His smile was bright. “I know you did not, Caroline. Thank you for your willingness to forgive my foolish and hurtful actions.”
She smiled back at him, straightening in her seat. “You are most welcome, Brandeis.”
For a moment, there was nothing but the two of them there together, just looking at one another. Caroline felt something shift between them, a deepening of their acquaintance that she was both glad and somewhat anxious about.
“Come,” Lord Brandeis smiled, picking up the reins again. “Let me show you our estate.”
12
One hour later and Caroline felt her heart swell with such a deep love for this place, for the beauty that surrounded it, that she felt as though she might burst. Lord Brandeis had shown her the fields, the tenant's homes, the church, the parish, and the small, quiet village. Then he had taken her to the quieter places, places where they might hide if they wished and no-one would ever find them. They had ridden through a small wood, which now led them to what appeared to be a lake, surrounded by tall grasses and reeds. A short distance away from them, there were stone ruins of some kind, and Caroline felt her interest caught at once.
“It is an old chapel, or so I am told,” Lord Brandeis said, seeing her gaze. “Would you like to take a short stroll there?”
She nodded, swinging her leg around and jumping to the ground before Lord Brandeis could even come near her. Seeing his surprise, she blushed furiously, realizing she must have made some kind of mistake.
“I do apologize,” she said quickly, looping the reins of her horse over a branch as the animal began to eat some of the lush grass at its feet. “Was I not meant to do that?”
Lord Brandeis chuckled, looping his own reins over another part of the tree. “You do very well, Caroline, in pretending to be Lady Winter. Your speech and manner are almost impeccable, but just perhaps do not agree to come out riding with anyone else!” He grinned at her and Caroline felt her blush deepen all the more. “A lady, you see, waits for the gentleman to help her down from the horse. Either that, or the stable hand and the mounting block will do once back at the house.”
“Oh.” Caroline tried not to roll her eyes, thinking just how ridiculous it was to require another person’s help to dismount when she could do it just as easily on her own, but Lord Brandeis chuckled again.
“It is to ensure that there is not a flash of ankle or anything of the sort,” he said, taking her hand in his and looping it under his arm. “Propriety at all times, remember?”
She did remember, but it was not his words that brought another rush of heat racing up her spine and into her cheeks. Instead, it was the feel of his hand on hers, and the intimacy with which he had drawn her hand onto his arm. She shivered just a little.
“Are you cold?” Lord Brandeis asked at once, looking down at her with concern. “I realize that we have been out for some time and I do not want you to catch a chill.”
“No, indeed,” Caroline replied, firmly. “I am quite comfortable.” In fact, the clothes she was wearing at the moment were warmer than anything she had owned before in her life! Besides, she did not want what had been a wonderful morning with Lord Brandeis to end.
Looking at the old ruins of the chapel, Caroline paused and, pulling her hand from Lord Brandeis arm, let her fingers run along the old, moss-covered stones that still stretched high above her. There was no roof, of course, but the walls at the very least still remained strong.
“This could be a beautiful dwelling,” she murmured quietly, half to herself. “If one had the money to restore it, of course.”
Lord Brandeis smiled at her, his expression gentle. “But what would be the point of restoring such a place when it is so far away from any kind of civilization?”
She looked at him, uncomprehending. “But is that not the beauty of it, Brandeis? The fact that one can be quite alone here, without the need for company in any way?” Wandering to what had once been a window, she leaned on it and breathed out a long sigh, seeing her breath frosting the air. “Imagine the view from this window. Imagine waking up and being able to see such beauty right before your very eyes.”
There was a short pause.
“I can see it already.”
Her breath caught in her chest but Caroline dared not look at Lord Brandeis, for fear of what
she might see – or not see – in his expression. She could not be certain what it was he meant, for it could simply be that he was imagining the house just as she was, and her other thoughts were more than ridiculous.
Lord Brandeis cleared his throat and the moment of tension was gone.
“I doubt my father would care much for this place,” he said, walking towards her. “He does not care much for this estate, although it is a profitable one.”
She looked at him, surprised. “No?”
He shook his head. “We resided here when I was very young before we were sent to Eton. After that, my father and mother took up residence in another estate nearer to London. My Mother does enjoy society a good deal and Father is able to travel wherever he needs to go with ease. This estate holds a lot of memories for me but I fear that your dreams of having such a small place restored is nothing more than that: a dream.”
Letting out a small sigh, Caroline closed her eyes for a moment and imagined what the chapel might look like it if she was standing within it, looking out at the beautiful view in front of her. And then, she let the dream go, realizing with shock that she would soon have to forget about this place – and this life entirely. She was getting so caught up with Lord Brandeis and his family that she had almost forgotten about who she truly was and what she would have to return to. The tavern. The tavern was what was waiting for her. She would, most likely, never have the opportunity to see this place again. It was foolishness itself to let her mind wander in such a ridiculous fashion.
“Is something the matter?”
She turned around and sat down in the window, feeling the cold seep through her skirts almost at once.
“I was just thinking of Mrs. Beeson,” she said, slowly. “I forgot, for a moment, that I would never see this chapel – or the estate – again, once I return to town. Once I return to my life.” Looking up at him, Caroline was surprised at how much of a wrench she felt at the thought of not seeing Lord Brandeis again. “I think I shall miss….being here.”
The expression on his face was one of confusion as if he too had forgotten that she was nothing more than a simple girl from Smithfield Market, who spent her days working in the tavern. Caroline looked away, horrified to feel a lump growing in her throat.
“Yes, well,” Lord Brandeis muttered, clearing his throat. “Perhaps you will be relieved at least, to no longer be a part of my rather difficult relationship with my father.”
She tried to smile. “He spoke to me of you this morning, Brandeis.”
He rolled his eyes and leaned against the cold stone wall, his expression rueful. “And did he have much to say?”
Thinking back for a moment, Caroline tried to smile at Lord Brandeis despite the strange, unsettling feelings racing through her. “He said how glad he was that you appear to have had a substantial change in your character.”
Surprise etched itself into the lines on his face.
“He also thanked me for what I have done to aid you in this, which I found rather uncomfortable,” she continued, frowning. “Not when none of this is genuine.”
“And yet, it is.”
Looking over at him sharply, Caroline let her frown deepen. “No, it is not, Brandeis, as well you know. I am not Lady Winter, and you are certainly not the kind of gentleman you are pretending to be. I am only here to ensure that you keep yourself in check so that this wedding can go smoothly and so that you will not embarrass yourself in front of your father and bring his sharp words clattering down onto your head.” She raised one eyebrow as Lord Brandeis shuffled his feet, looking a little uncomfortable.
“But as I said to you, Caroline, you are helping me by showing me the truth about myself,” Lord Brandeis said, slowly, pushing himself away from the wall. “You have begun something in me, even if I myself am not quite certain what that is.” He shrugged, coming a little closer to her. “Perhaps I will truly find myself a changed man by the end of all of this.”
She lifted her chin, looking at him calmly, a flare of hope bursting in her chest. “I do hope so, Lord Brandeis. I truly believe that you can be a decent gentleman, if you would but make an effort to look past your pursuit of pleasures and consider what it is you truly wish to do in this blessed life you call your own.”
His eyebrow quirked. “You consider me to have a blessed life?”
“Of course!” she exclaimed, shaking her head at what she considered to be a ridiculous question. “To have your every need seen to, to have such a variety and amount of food at your disposal, to have your life unburdened by the worry over how much money you will require to pay for all you need – yes, Lord Brandeis, I consider your life truly blessed.”
The light faded in his eyes. “You do not enjoy working at the tavern?”
She shrugged. “It is the only life I have ever known. Mrs. Beeson may not be my flesh and blood, but to me, she is family. She has given me more than I ever deserved and that is only from the goodness of her heart. She had no particular reason to take myself and Peter in when our parents died, but despite her own grief, she did so.”
He was closer to her now and Caroline felt her skin prickling with the awareness of just how alone they were.
“Do you feel obliged to remain there?” Lord Brandeis asked, softly, his eyes searching her own. “Do you feel as though you ought to work at the tavern instead of doing what you please?”
His question made her hesitate, not quite sure what she felt on the matter. “I confess that I have struggled with this question a great deal,” she said slowly. “Mrs. Beeson has always encouraged me to think about my own life, and to do whatever it is I wish. I have some money available to me – not enough to live without employment, of course – but in truth, I struggle to contemplate a life away from what I know. Whether that is because I feel obliged, as you put it, I cannot quite say.”
His smile was sympathetic and filled with understanding. “Perhaps then, I am not the only one forced to search their heart,” he replied, gently. “It can be difficult, no?”
She sighed, looking away from him. “Indeed, Lord Brandeis.”
To her surprise, he caught her hand in his, the warmth from his fingers seeping through her glove despite the cold that surrounded them. “I am indebted to you, Caroline, for what you have done for me thus far. I should not like to think that we will never again be in one another’s company.”
“Nor would I,” Caroline found herself saying, unable to take her eyes from his.
He swallowed, his gaze dropping to their joined hands for a moment and, as he looked away from her, Caroline found that her heart swelled with a sudden, deep affection for the man who stood in front of her. It was a feeling she had not expected, emotions that she had been battling bursting into her heart with such force that she had to drag in a steadying breath.
“At least we can enjoy the last few days here, before we travel to the wedding,” Lord Brandeis said softly, his eyes back on hers. “Tonight there is dinner and then some sort of entertainment that father has organized and then tomorrow, before Miss Gosford leaves, there will be a ball.”
Caroline caught her breath. “A ball?”
He chuckled. “Indeed, a ball. You need not look so afraid, Caroline, you will do remarkably well and I confess – ” His tone dropped low, his voice growing husky. “I confess that I am already looking forward to dancing with you. It shall be one of my last delights before I am forced to endure watching my father and mother fawn all over their favorite son and his new bride.”
Placing her other hand on top of their joined ones, Caroline searched Lord Brandeis’s face, seeing the frustration in his eyes and hearing the bite of spite in his words. “And I shall be with you every step of the way, Lord Brandeis. Have no fear. You will be able to endure all, I am quite certain of it.”
“So long as I have you by my side,” he countered immediately, his warm breath brushing across her cheek. “I have turned away from you once, Caroline, but I will not do so again, no matter what I have t
o face.”
Her smile was gentle, even though her heart was clamoring wildly. She did not know what to do with all that she felt, suddenly realizing just how foolish she was being. Here she was, alone with Lord Brandeis in a place where no-one would be able to find them – and her heart was beating with such a strong affection for Lord Brandeis that she was afraid he might see it in her eyes. What would he do then? What would she do? Would he kiss her, and, if he did, would she accept it, knowing that nothing could come of it?
No, she thought to herself, slowly pulling her hands away from his. No, you would not, Caroline. You are more sensible than that. You have seen how Lord Brandeis behaves! Do not let your heart become entwined with his, not when you know that your worlds are so very far apart.
It was as if a bucket of icy water had been tipped on her head. Stepping away from Lord Brandeis, she managed a small smile before wandering slowly back in the direction of the horses, suddenly desperate to get away from this place. She was being more than ridiculous in allowing herself to feel anything, especially when, in a few days, she would be away from Lord Brandeis’s side and back in her place in the tavern.
For a moment, Caroline was awash with shame, realizing that she had fallen for Lord Brandeis’s charms, even though he was, as she believed, trying to find his true self underneath all his false smiles and eager compliments that she had experienced herself the first night she had been in his acquaintance. There could never be a future where she and Lord Brandeis could be happy! They came from two very different worlds, and she could not be convinced that he would ever truly change and not return to the man she had first known. This was not like one of her novels, she reminded herself, as Lord Brandeis came over to help her up onto her horse. Regardless of what she felt, regardless of the heat that rushed through her as his hands caught her waist to help her up into the saddle, she could not allow her feelings to develop any further. Yes, this was her adventure, but it was not to be the happy ending she had read in so many books. She would return to the tavern, Lord Brandeis would return to his life and, whilst they might greet each other now and again, this was all they would ever share together. She would make the most of her time here with him, make sure to enjoy every moment she could, but would force herself to recall that she had a tavern and an employment waiting for her return.
