That’s a lie and you know it.
I push the thought away, because I don’t know that. He still has information that could destroy my life, and he’s said nothing about keeping it a secret.
“I… I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to have an actual relationship with a person like me. Well, not like me, but my other half. A real D/s relationship, not just sex. Every day, not just at the club,” I tell him, and he meets my eyes again.
“How so? If it’s not sex, what else is there when it comes to Doms and subs?” he asks, looking intrigued.
I lick my lips, and his eyes follow the movement. “I’m not just a submissive in bed, Nathaniel. It’s… it’s who I am as a person. It’s the very core of me. To be in a D/s committed relationship would be… a dream. But I’ve never met anyone who made me feel anything… inside. I mean, yes, physical pleasure. But I never connected with someone who I felt could be my other half outside of sex.” I refrain from telling him that I felt all those feelings and more last night and this morning, when he seemed to be able to read my mind, to know what I wanted and needed before I even thought about it.
“I know what you mean.” His brow furrows as he stares off, not seeming to see the room around us. “It’s like that emptiness I felt even right after having sex, like there was a huge part missing and the physical part did nothing to make up for it.” And then his eyes meet mine. “Until I finally got to have you,” he murmurs, saying exactly what I’d kept hidden.
I bite my lip, unsure what to say. It all seems way too fast and under terrible circumstances to tell him what I’m really feeling. He could hurt me in so many ways, not just my career and reputation, not just the potential loss of my membership, but he could break my heart. And I don’t know if I could come back from that after how long and how much work it took to regain some semblance of myself after losing the only other people in my life I ever loved.
“It can’t just be me feeling this way, Evie,” he says low. “There’s nothing you could say to convince me that last night was just like any other night you have at that club.” His nostrils flare, and his hand tightens a little more on my hair.
I can’t lie to him. No matter how badly I want to protect myself and all this man could destroy, I cannot look him in the eye when he’s made himself this vulnerable and lie to his face about what I’m feeling.
“It’s not just you, Nate,” I whisper, and for some reason, tears spring to my eyes. My chin wobbles, and his image gets blurry. “It’s not. And that scares the hell out of me, because you could ruin me. You could ruin my life after I’ve worked so hard to become happy again after I lost everything.” A sob leaves me, and I squeeze my eyes shut and try to turn my face into his neck to hide.
Chapter 13
Nate
Her confession is like a defibrillator to my heart, shocking me to life. I flip us easily, and I stare down into her eyes swimming with tears, her little nose turning red along with her cheeks. She tries to look away, but I hold her tight, not allowing her to hide.
“I’m an idiot. I’m just a stupid guy who’s never had to care about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I get anything I want because of who I am, and even when someone doesn’t want to give me something I want, I always find a way to get it out of them,” I tell her, the words coming out in a rush, and she sniffles.
“But I am my parents’ child, and they are good people. I swear I’m not all bad.” I shift between her thighs, trying to calm the erection that sprang to life just from being pressed against her. “I know everything I’ve done to you, said to you, teased you about all year has taught you nothing but the contrary, but I swear on my life I’d never do anything to hurt you, Evie. And I’d hurt anyone else who even thought to try,” I growl, and her eyes widen.
“Nath—”
“No. I’m serious. Think about it. All those lazy fucks at school who come into your library and leave it looking like shit—it’s me who fixes their mess, just so you don’t have to,” I tell her.
She blinks. “I thought it was just part of your—”
“My OCD? No. My OCD only dictates my tidiness, my own messes, my own order. Have you ever seen me straightening Trenton’s pencils and books when he’s sitting beside me in study hall?”
“Well, no, but—”
“And have you ever seen me tucking in people’s shirts or fixing their ties?”
“Also no—”
“That’s because that shit doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is them coming in there and forcing my woman to take care of them, when she should be focusing on pleasing me!” I growl ferociously, unable to keep my emotions in check, my breaths now sawing in and out of my lungs as the rage I feel causes the edges of my vision to vignette.
I don’t know how long I stay like that, the anger radiating throughout my entire body. I can’t get the unwanted, intrusive thoughts out of my head that my OCD causes to play on repeat, as I imagine people hurting Evelyn—physically causing her pain, fucking with her emotions, bringing her unnecessary stress. I’m stuck in the cycle, the uncontrollable thoughts repeating, repeating, over and over, making me angrier every time the reel starts over, making me want to screa—
“Your woman?” I hear Evie’s voice in the distance. “This whole time, you’ve thought of me as your woman?”
The moment her palm cups my jaw, the repetitive thoughts stop on a dime, not even fading into the background; they’re just… gone, and all I see is her.
“Nathaniel,” she whispers. “Are you with me?” No fear, no cowering from the rage she couldn’t have missed pouring off me, no horror in her eyes from seeing me get stuck in my intrusive thought cycle. She brings me back, and all I can do is nod.
She gives me a gentle smile, using her thumb to trace over my bottom lip, a gesture so sweet I don’t even know how to process it. I’ve never let anyone touch me so tenderly before.
“So… no blackmail then?” She bites her lip.
I shake my head slowly. “No blackmail. Your secret is safe… even if you don’t want me.” I swallow.
Her chin wobbles even as she smiles, and she gives me a little nod. “Thank you, Nate.”
“You’re welcome, Evie.”
We stay like that, just staring into each other’s eyes, until she starts to squirm. “Am I too heavy?” I ask her, starting to lift my weight, but she tightens her grip on me, catching my bicep in her other hand to keep me close.
“No, it’s not that,” she says low, and then she turns shy, her cheeks turning pink.
“What is it, little mouse?” I ask, lowering so I can kiss her bottom lip that’s red from her biting it.
“I… I um. Well….” She makes a nervous sound that’s not quite a laugh.
“What is it, Evelyn?” I ask, making my tone more of a command, so maybe she’ll have an easier time answering.
She swallows and meets my eyes shyly. “I want you. And I know I’m your sub and I shouldn’t make any type of demand of you, and I should be satisfied after the amazing things we did last night, and usually I can only handle one night of scenes a week, but I just really feel… super close to you right now, and what I want more than anything in this world right now is for you to make love to me and—”
I slam my mouth down on hers, cutting off her nervous rambling, and kiss her with everything in me. I pour all the feelings I have for her into this kiss, and soon I’m aware of the way her hips are rocking beneath me.
I press my forehead to hers, our breaths quick and loud between us. “You saying you’re mine, little mouse?” I ask, needing to confirm what I took from all those words she spewed.
She nods fast and shallow. “Yes, Mr. Black. I’m yours.”
I shudder at her response, not believing this is actually happening, that my fantasy lover wants to be mine outside my dreams and not just for one night.
“But I don’t want to hurt you, baby. You’re so sore,” I whisper, reaching down between us and cupping her pussy, finding her wet but still
swollen.
“I don’t care.” She swallows. “I need you. Just… can you be gentle with me? I know you’ve always had to in the past, and I swear you can take me any other way you wish, but just this time—”
“Evie, I told you I’d never hurt you. And if you need soft and slow, if that’s what my sub needs, then it’s my job as your Dom to give you that, right?” I prompt, knowing I’d give her sweet and gentle even if it weren’t part of being in this type of relationship.
She smiles, lifting her chin a little to nuzzle her nose against mine. “Right.”
“Then that’s what you’ll get, little mouse. But that’s going to be the first official rule between us, or law, or contract, or whatever the hell you call it,” I add.
“And what’s that?” She arches her back as I align my tip with her entrance.
“I don’t give a fuck what other Doms have wanted in the past. You fucking tell me every time you want me,” I order, and she gasps as I slowly start to sink inside her tight, wet heat.
“Yes, Sir,” she hisses.
And I spend the next hour making sweet, slow, gentle love to my girl.
Chapter 14
Evie
“What do you want for lunch?” I hear Nate call from my library as I put away the few dishes I had in my dishwasher.
“Uuummm… maybe a salad from Salata? Or… oh, a pizza from Mod sounds yummy. Or I could fix us some sandwiches here. But all I have is turkey, so if you want something else…. We could do Subway… or Jersey Mike’s—”
“Baby,” he cuts me off, his voice so close it makes me jump, and I spin around from the cabinet to find his chest right behind me. I tilt my head back… back… back… until I finally meet his amused eyes.
I swallow. “Whatever you want is good,” I whisper.
He narrows his eyes on me, looking for something he must find, because he nods once before leaning down to kiss my cheek. “I’ll be right back with your lunch, milady,” he says teasingly, and he disappears into my bedroom for a moment and comes back out tossing his keys up in the air and catching them as he makes his way to the door. When he opens it and steps outside, I expect to hear it close behind him, but instead, he peeks his head back in. “And don’t. Get. Dressed,” he orders with a lift of his eyebrow and an exaggerated look at my naked breasts before he pulls the door closed.
I giggle, shaking my head, and lean back against the counter, glancing down at myself. He’d at least allowed me to put panties on when he noticed how awkward I felt, feeling the wetness coating the inside of my thighs. It had made him instantly hard, seeing his cum dripping out of me, the insatiable man. But as much as I wanted him over and over, my ladybits had put their foot down. She was officially out of commission, no matter how gentle he could be. Gentle or not, the man was freaking huge, and my body was not used to getting so much undivided attention.
After he made love to me—in which I stayed completely coherent, thank goodness—we’d taken a shower together, where he did everything from washing my hair to exfoliating my back. We snuggled up on the couch, and after seeing my panic when he asked me what we should watch, he’d chosen something from my Watch Next list, a midseason episode of Down to Earth with Zac Efron. He commented on how everything on my list was reality or a documentary and told me those were his favorite programs too, and somehow it made me feel even closer to him.
That led to a discussion about other things we loved, finding we have all sorts of things in common, from different bands and music to books and hobbies. I found it incredibly sexy that he loves to read, which isn’t a surprise, seeing as I’m a librarian. But when I thought back, I know he wasn’t just telling me that, because he always has a book to read in study hall, and not just a textbook. There’ve been several times I’ve seen him leaned back in his chair with a worn-out paperback, the cover opened and folded around the back. At the time, I looked away, cringing at the book abuse, but that had been at a time when I didn’t think there was much good in Nate Black. While it would still make my eye twitch to find him folding covers, at least now I’d find it forgivable, and I’d have the guts to tell him that isn’t proper bibliophile etiquette.
I learned he was accepted into every college he applied to, including two Ivy League schools, but his dream and the one he’s choosing to attend is the one not far from here, the university three generations of the Black family have attended.
“I want to stay close to home. I don’t think my mom would handle it well if I moved too far away for college. I’m her only child,” he said with a grin that softened into a smile when he looked at me. “And that means I won’t be far from you either.”
I sigh dreamily, pushing off the counter and going into my library to plop into my overstuffed chair. I pick up the book on my side table and pull out the bookmark, but replace it and put it back down when I realize I’m not retaining any of the words, because I can’t stop thinking of Nathaniel.
Is it crazy to be this infatuated with someone who just yesterday I couldn’t wait to spend the weekend away from? No doubt.
Is it possible that all those overwhelming feelings I ever had when it came to Nate was actually arousal I was fighting, because I thought it was wrong to feel it? Maybe.
And what kind of person does it make me that I’d be aroused by someone who tried to taunt and intimidate me every day? Normal, I guess, especially in Nathaniel’s case. Aren’t little girls always taught that when a boy picks on them, it means they like them? I always thought that was asinine to teach girls to accept a boy’s bullying; if he likes you, he should show you respect and that he cares about you, not be mean. But haven’t I always said that what Nate did to me wasn’t quite bullying? And come to find out, he respects the hell out of me, and that’s why he always cleans up after everyone in the library, not because of his OCD like I thought.
So it may seem like this is happening super-fast, but in reality, we’ve been playing this cat-and-mouse game for months. Months of—albeit fucked-up—flirting. Months of me coming home and thinking about him constantly. He made sure of that with his daily parting words. And it hadn’t even been all bad thoughts either. I admired Nathaniel. He was so smart, so athletic, so undeniably attractive. I couldn’t help but look up to him, and not because of his towering height. There was no denying he was going to be someone important one day, someone people respected, and I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he wasted so much time picking on me. Every. Single. Day.
Now I know.
He wanted me. He had feelings for me he didn’t understand, had never felt before. And combine that with having these Dominant urges deep inside him that he didn’t know how to express, not to mention his OCD thrown in to muddy things up, he just had way too much going on and no idea what to do with everything.
While I’m relieved that everything is now out in the open, and after witnessing firsthand how my presence calms him, a soothing balm like Club Alias has always been for me, I can’t help but wonder if it’d be smart to talk to someone about… all this. He’s so young, just eighteen, even though he’s ridiculously mature for his age. I can’t help but worry that he may be too young to truly understand what it’s like to be in an adult relationship. Especially one in which he’d be responsible in a way a Dominant needs to be for his sub.
I decide that when he gets back, I’ll ask him how he’d feel about going to talk to Dr. Walker. If he’s willing to go to my therapist and let Doc get a read on him—someone who isn’t blinded by the emotions I’m feeling for Nate—then that would show me he’s at least willing to take this seriously. If he fights me on it or simply refuses, then I’ll know to protect myself and try to think of this as a physical relationship only.
Twenty minutes later, I’m starting to worry that Nate isn’t coming back, that all of this was just some fucked-up game he’s played to taunt and fuck with my mind like he’s been doing all year. It shouldn’t be taking this long just to run and get some food really quick. I don’t even have
his phone number to send him a text to check on him.
And when those thoughts enter my mind, they start rolling around and escalating, snowballing and becoming worse and worse. My anxiety takes over, and soon I know I’ll be having a full-on panic attack. I’m pacing throughout my house, adjusting books on the shelf in my library, washing the spoon rest on my stove that was already clean, folding the laundry Nathaniel told me not to worry about after he started a load earlier this afternoon—towels he used to dry us off last night along with everything else in my hamper.
Right when I’m about to go into my room and get dressed, sure he’s not going to return and he’s somewhere laughing, telling all his friends that I’m this dumbass walking around my house topless while I wait for him… I hear my front door open, and I spin around to see his smiling face, his arms loaded down with bags and bags of takeout.
When his eyes meet mine where I’m trembling in the hallway, his expression falls, and he drops everything on the kitchen counter as he strides past it and toward me. He pulls me against him, his arm wrapping around the small of my back so when he straightens it lifts me onto my toes. His long fingers slide up into my hair from my nape and he tilts my head back to look into my eyes, his brow furrowed.
I swallow, blinking back the tears that had started to form in my panic. “I… I didn’t think you were coming back,” I confess, seeing the question in his eyes.
And he doesn’t laugh at me. He doesn’t make light of my worry or tease me. He doesn’t do any of that. He absorbs it, seems to catalogue my feelings and file it for future use, and he nods and lowers his face to kiss me gently on the lips. When he pulls back, I’ve stopped shaking, and his eyes are soft when he tells me, “I’ll always come back, little mouse.”
I take a stuttered breath in and huff it out in a nervous laugh. “Sorry I’m such a frea—”
“Stop,” he barks, and my teeth clack shut my mouth closes so abruptly. “You’re not a freak. I took way longer than I should have.” He moves his hand in my hair to where he cups the side of my neck and pets my jawline with this thumb. His eyes soften once more, and one corner of his sexy lips lifts into a half smile. “Gonna need them digits, Ms. Richards, so I can call you if I’m running late.”
A Lesson in Blackmail: Black Mountain Academy / a Club Alias Novel Page 10
