by Robyn Carr
“Then you didn’t kill him!”
“I guess not but we also don’t know if he survived. He might’ve wandered off and died from that head injury. Before we could even discuss if there was anything we should or could do, Bunny drowned and the whole world changed. Your father was long gone, Lou was in deep mourning and rage, Charley was pregnant. Oh, Krista, the whole family imploded.”
“But, Ma, the last you knew of him, he was alive. Know what I think? I think he tricked you and everyone. He had himself a couple of hysterical women and if he wasn’t dead you would’ve told the police everything—the scam, the con, his attack on you, everything. If they investigated him, they probably would’ve found a long trail of crimes. He tricked you, faked dead and disappeared.”
“Well, I like that story. But I’m not sure the Winslett police were up to an investigation that complex even if we spilled the beans on him. It was more likely they’d have arrested us for assaulting him and trying to drown him.” Jo looked down at her lemonade. “We got through it, somehow. And here we are, a family of women, picking up the pieces the best we can.”
Krista lay back on the grass. “What the heck—you and Aunt Lou were bonded in crime! Why did you quit speaking?”
“Lou was never sure I wasn’t in on it,” Jo said. “She thought maybe I betrayed her. She thought I went along with Roy’s scheme for money just so I could run away and be happy with Roy.”
“Why in the world would she think that?”
“Because when your dad was at his absolute worst and I was ready to chuck it all, he’d find a way to convince me to give him one more chance. And one more and one more and I always did.”
“You loved him so much,” Krista said.
“I wish that were true. He was my addiction. And I was his enabler.”
Krista was quiet for a long time, looking up at the sky. Finally, she said, “Do you suppose he’s dead?”
Jo sighed. “God takes care of drunks and children, they say. He’s probably out there somewhere.”
“He hasn’t been in touch?”
“He wouldn’t dare, Krista. While Lou always accused me of being a sap for love and giving in to Roy, your father always accused me of being more loyal to my sister than to my own husband. Both of them were wrong.” She smiled wanly. “See, you’re not the only one who took the wrong path.”
* * *
Charley wanted a fountain pen but she was going to make do with a black fine felt-tip. She wanted some of her personalized stationery but that would have felt phony. When was the last time she wrote a letter, in her own hand? Thank-you notes—she’d penned lots of those. But she usually composed email at her computer or tablet or even dictated into her phone.
She wasn’t sure exactly what she was going to write but she knew what she wanted him to feel. That she was earnest, that she was vulnerable, that their relationship mattered to her, mattered more than anything. She treasured him. She wasn’t saying no again; she was just going to ask him to give her time.
Darling Michael,
You can’t possibly imagine how much I love you or how desperately I miss you. I reach for you in the night. Sometimes I catch a scent and think you’re in the room. You’re not just part of my heart but part of everything that is my being. I ache because we’re in conflict, because we haven’t been able to compromise. The one thing we’ve always been good at—talking a problem through—we’ve utterly botched.
This is undoubtedly my fault. I’m not my best self right now. Hell, I’m not even half myself. My job loss affected me so poorly and I realize I must have identified too much with that person, that talk show person. I wish I’d known there was a danger of that; I wish I’d been prepared for what it might do to us.
I write this to beg your forgiveness—I answered your loving proposal with a kind of flippant dismissal when that wasn’t what I was feeling. I was feeling shock. Not by the proposal but more by the fact there was something, no matter how big or small, that could come between us. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought our commitment was for life. Mine was. No, mine is. I love you and I want to be with you forever. I’ll do anything you ask. If marriage makes you feel safer and more comfortable, so be it. Anything you want. I love you and the thought of not having you in my life is torture. I’ve been in love with you for twenty-two wonderful years and I want more.
If you still want me.
Yours always,
Charley
* * *
A couple of days after Jo’s visit Jake walked Krista home after work. It had become their habit to stop for a little while on that lot with the swing. Jake’s lot.
“I love this space,” she said.
He sat down on the soft grass and pulled her down beside him.
“You’ve been very quiet,” she said. “You usually talk all the time, but the last couple of days...”
He gave a huff of laughter. “Have been very eventful. But you’ve been quiet, too. Did Charley’s revelation shake you up?”
“No,” she said. “I admit, it surprised me. But it all makes stupid sense—if she hadn’t moved to California and made a life there, if she’d been around Minnesota, she might’ve found you. Do you wish you’d known sooner?”
“Of course. I don’t know how I would have handled it as a younger man. I wasn’t that great with my own kids but I love them and they love me. If I could have known her as a little girl, as a troublesome teenager, as a college coed... She called me,” he said. “I talked to her last night. She has Charley’s quick laugh and wit—she’s hilarious. Telling me about her adoptive parents, her husband and kids—she had me laughing. I told my kids right away—I called Andy and Shanna. Shanna found it all completely romantic and asked if there was any possibility her real father might come forward and turn out to be a prince or movie star or something. I told her she was stuck with me.”
“And what did Andy say?” she asked.
“He said he’d want to kill himself. He’s twenty-three. I guess a twenty-three-year-old guy suddenly finding out he’s a father would seem like the end of the world.”
“You were pretty young when you started your family,” she said. “I mean, the ones you had on purpose.”
“Always in a hurry,” he said. “Careless and eager, that was the younger me. It’s such a relief to have grown up a little.”
“What do you suppose Andy and Shanna will think when they find out you’re seeing an ex-con?”
“They’ll love you,” he said.
“Oh, I’m not so sure about that,” she said. “They might hide all the valuables.”
He lay down on the grass and pulled her down, too. Then he rose over her and looked into her eyes. “And are you being quiet because suddenly I’m the father of your cousin’s child?”
“Nah, that’s nothing to me. Well, it is something, but you were pretty wonderful about the whole thing. Just the right amount of shock and remorse and happiness and willingness. I don’t know much about men, you know. I mean, I just know about the wrong kind. I have a feeling you’re special and I don’t know why you like me.”
“I told you why,” he said. “I’m not going to keep feeding you compliments and begging you to believe me. Just love me back.”
She was startled for a second. “We were saying like.”
“I know. It’s growing.” He smiled at her. “Kiss me.”
“You’re not going to keep the truth about me from your kids, are you?”
He lowered his lips to hers and covered her mouth in a deep and delicious kiss. She lifted her arms to hold him, rubbing his back, her fingertips gliding up to his neck to thread into his hair. When the kiss was done for the moment he said, “I’m not going to worry about that now. But I won’t lie to them. I’ve never lied to them.” Then he kissed her some more.
Kr
ista had never seen the possibility of this in her life. In fact, she hadn’t imagined there would be a man in her life at all and certainly not one so wonderful. As for this kissing, she couldn’t remember ever kissing like this. It made her insides all squishy and there was such wanting, a pulling, low in her belly. She held him tighter, opened her mouth for him, loved that he moaned.
“Are we almost very good friends?” she asked him.
“I think so, yes.”
“Why are you waiting so long?” she asked.
“I want to go slow. I want us to last. I’m not playing around, Krista. I want you in my life.”
“You understand, I’m probably going to be working through issues the rest of my life?”
“I probably am, too,” he said. “I think I could be happy doing that with you.” He sighed. “It’s hard to be patient. I want the rest of my life to get here right now.”
“And I want every day to last forty-eight hours,” she said.
“I should get you home,” he said. “I have a little work to do back at the lodge.” He stood up and put out a hand to pull her to her feet. He kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you early in the morning.”
“I’ll be there to bring you breakfast.”
“What will you do tonight?”
“Oh, you know,” she said. “We make dinner together. Relax. Talk. Read. Just the three of us tonight. Meg’s husband will be here for the weekend.”
“Was your visit with your mother good?” he asked.
“It’s always good. We took the boat across the lake and had a picnic. We talk about old times. She’s decided to stop working at the flower shop. She’s managed the shop for years but she wants to spend more time with family.” Krista enjoyed the feel of his arm around her shoulders. “She told me an interesting story about that last summer at the lake,” she said on a whim. “I think I kind of remember it. She said there was a story of a man who drove his car into a lake around here and got hurt. There was a little piece in the newspaper—he couldn’t remember who he was and they published his picture asking if anyone knew his identity. He went missing from the hospital and they were looking for him. She thought about that poor man wandering around, not knowing who he was, lost. But then Bunny was gone and we all left. You were here then, right?”
“I think I remember something about that,” he said.
“Do you remember what happened?” she asked.
He stopped walking and turned her toward him. “Is it important to you to find out?” he asked.
She blanched, giving her head a quick shake. “It’s not important. I was just curious.”
“If it matters I can find out,” he said. “I don’t have to tell anyone why I’d be asking.”
She almost laughed. That’s how she ended up doing twenty-three. She was actually a lousy liar and her face showed too much emotion, too much of what she’d rather hide. “How could you ever find out now? It was so long ago!”
“I have a lot of family and friends around,” he said with a shrug. “People who have been around my whole life. I even know a couple of guys who worked as cops around here. Remember, my brother and sister still live here with their families. By the way—I promised to take you to the farm. The next day off you have that your mother isn’t coming, let’s do that.”
“Will I have to meet your family?” she asked.
He laughed. “Are you afraid to meet them?”
“Yes,” she said. “What if they take one look at me and know I’m not good enough for you?”
“Oh, we better do this soon,” he said. “You have to stop being afraid. You’re too stubborn and strong to be afraid of a farmer and his wife, Krista!” They walked a little while. “That story,” he said. “It’s important to you, isn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t want anyone to know I was asking,” she said. Then she felt her cheeks grow hot.
“Someday you’ll tell me the whole story,” he said.
“Maybe,” she said. “I’m still figuring out my wayward life and how I ended up in prison.”
“I can look it up anytime, remember?”
“Then why don’t you?” she said. “Why don’t you do that before you kiss me anymore?”
“Honey, I know as much as I need to know. And you know about me. I was a nineteen-year-old jerk who took advantage of some young girl, got her pregnant, ran away before she could even tell me... That wasn’t even me at my worst. I was such a miserable idiot. I had a temper and got in fights. I resented responsibility, treated my family badly. I was jealous and thought the world owed me. I might not have gone to jail but I wasn’t a very good person.”
“And you just grew out of it?”
“Sort of. Kicking and screaming the whole way.”
“What turned you around?” she asked.
“Church.”
She stopped walking and looked at him. “Come again? You started going to church?”
“I was raised in the church. Not hellfire and brimstone, just a nice small-town Methodist church. When I was in my twenties and my wife was leaving me, a guy I worked with said, ‘Jake, come on to church with me Sunday.’ I said, ‘No, thank you.’ Long story short he kept asking and I finally went and found peaceful solutions to some of my problems. I found some answers and even more questions. Things started to be different then. Better.”
She was surprised. Then again, it made sense. “So, you’re religious.”
“I guess I am. It works for me. Life just hasn’t been as hard since. It was such a struggle.” He shrugged.
“Oh, God,” she said in a breath. “I’m never going to have sex, am I?”
He threw back his head and roared with laughter. “See how fun you are? I didn’t take a vow of celibacy, so beware.”
“Thank God for that,” she said. “Hey! Am I a project?”
He frowned. “What kind of project?”
“You know—be nice to the poor ex-con. Save the bad lady.”
“For Pete’s sake, do you have to make everything about you? You don’t need saving. But you could use a decent boyfriend. That’s the only job I’m after. But I should be completely honest. I don’t tell many people at the lodge. I’m actually an ordained nondenominational Christian minister. I don’t work as a minister. Well, maybe I do a little bit—I teach a Sunday school class at my church.”
Her mouth hung open. “Oh, God, I wanna die right now...”
“Let me guess, it’s about you again.”
“You’re a fucking minister? Oh, Jesus, this isn’t happening to me. How many times have I cursed since I’ve known you? Maybe not too many—you being my boss and everything.” She ran a hand through her hair and spun around in a circle. “Dear God, I’ve been kissing and begging for sex with my boss and my boss is a secret minister!”
He laughed at her. “You’ll get used to it. I’m not a bad guy. And I think I swear more than you do, especially during football season. Don’t freak out on me—sex is definitely in your future.”
“I bet it’s not,” she said. “I bet you’re way too decent for me.”
He put his arm around her shoulders again. “Come on, lighten up. I’m just a guy. Don’t be so judgmental. You never suspected—that means I’ve just been a guy who, on the outside, seems normal and stable enough that you’d take a chance on me. And you’re just a woman who is fun and pretty and sane enough that I’d want to be around you. You are, you know. It’s kind of crazy that you’re the most sane woman I’ve dated in the last twenty years. You shouldn’t be. But you have this basic good sense. I watch it in the restaurant. You walk up to a table and know in ten seconds whether they’re going to need a lot of attention or need to be left alone. And you’re so good with the other employees.”
“You learn to make the right friends where I came from,” she said.
“That’s what it is—street smarts. That’s not a bad thing, you know. That just means a good survival instinct and common sense.”
“You should have told me this minister thing before you kissed me!”
“And how would that have changed anything?” he asked.
“I might’ve kept my tongue in my mouth for one thing!”
He laughed so hard he was bent at the waist. He laughed so hard that when he tried to kiss her goodbye, it was just wet and sloppy.
“Hey! Is that proper behavior for a minister!”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, giving her a salute and walking off back toward the lodge. Laughing his cute butt off.
“Man, can I pick ’em,” she said to no one.
Chapter Seventeen
Krista refilled Jake’s coffee cup and he gave her free hand an affectionate pat. “After your shift, I’d like to take you for a ride.”
“Oh?”
“To the farm,” he said. “I’ll give you a lift home to change and tell your cousins where we’re going, make sure they don’t need you for anything, then we’ll go. It’s not far.”
“Did you ask your sister and brother-in-law if they mind?” she asked nervously.
“My sister is at work until dinnertime and my brother-in-law will be working around the farm. They won’t mind.” Unconsciously, she backed away. “Don’t be nervous,” he said. “They’re very nice people. Very welcoming.”
Of course there was no way Charley and Meg would ask her to miss a trip to the farm, not because it would be such a great new experience for her but because Jake was taking her. They were almost giddy with excitement.
It was a beautiful August day, the sun bright with just a few scattered clouds and enough of a breeze to keep her clothes from sticking to her. It was less than a thirty-minute drive to an old farmhouse surrounded by barns, outbuildings and what seemed like miles and miles of green fields. The corn was high, the wheat was thick and there were other growing things she couldn’t identify. “Soybeans and sugar beets,” Jake said.
