by TT Kove
I opened the cabinet, simply so I didn’t have to look at myself—and came face to face with pills. My pills and some painkillers Damian kept in there.
No, no, no. I couldn’t do that. Not now, not again, not ever. But it can’t hurt to take a few, can it? Just to calm down? My hand grabbed the pills without me really giving it permission. I dry swallowed, not needing water to wash them down with after all these years on medication. Just a few… and some pain pills too. Not that pain pills would help for my emotional pain, but hopefully, they’d make my body a little numb.
The doorbell rang. I dropped the pills into the sink as I jumped in surprise. I swallowed, took another three and dry-swallowed, then left the bathroom to see who it was.
It was Caesar, Matt’s boyfriend.
‘Oh. Hey.’ I blinked. Why was he here? Was he allowed to be up and about already? Hadn’t he just almost died? ‘Are you all right?’
‘Oh, yeah, I’m fine.’ He shuffled awkwardly.
‘Okay…’ Was he really? I didn’t want to push though. He had just almost died after all.
‘Is Matt in?’ He had his hands buried in his pockets, moving slightly, like he was uncomfortable.
‘Umm…’ Was he? I had no idea. I was pretty sure I was alone in the flat right now, but I hadn’t actually seen Matt leave his room.
‘I’m not sure. If he’s not he’ll be home soon anyway.’ Matt never stayed out long. ‘You can come in.’ I stepped back to allow him entrance. ‘Do you want anything to drink?’ Offering a drink was the polite thing to do, right?
‘Just tap water’s fine, thanks.’
I left him in the hall to be rid of shoes and jacket and went into the kitchen. I turned the tap and watched, fascinated, as the water sloshed down into the sink, spraying droplets. How many times during my teenage years had I stood in the shower, letting the water pelt down on my abused skin, washing away all the blood I’d willingly drawn from my own body? All the tears I’d shed…
My hands trembled as I reached up for a glass. It was almost like my grip was slippery because I couldn’t keep hold of the damn thing. It dropped to the floor—where it shattered into pieces. When I bent to gather the broken shards together, the room spun and I reached my arms out to brace myself. Sharp shards of glass cut into my palms and I gasped in pain. When I managed to turn one hand around, I could only stare transfixed at where the blood was starting to gather in small bubbles only to burst and trickle down my pale skin.
‘Hey, careful.’ Caesar crouched down in front of me and he took my hand in his, assessing the damage.
All I could see was the blood. It was nothing compared to the amount of blood I used to spill, but it was still blood… and it was beautiful. The dark colour, the way it trickled down my skin and dripped to the floor…
Caesar disappeared from my line of sight and when he came back he pressed some paper to my palm, drying off the blood. ‘There might be some shards in these cuts.’
I let out a shaky breath. ‘It’s okay. I’ll deal with it.’ I was vaguely aware of him throwing the blood-stained paper in the rubbish, then crouching back down to scoop up the broken pieces himself. ‘Be careful,’ I warned, issuing much of his own warning from earlier. But when I looked down I saw he wasn’t as clumsy as I was.
His long, tanned fingers carefully picked up the bigger shards to throw in the rubbish, then he scooped up the smaller ones with the help of a piece of paper. He ran his hand over the floor to check if it was clear of the tiny, little, treacherous shards of glass, then finally threw the sheet of paper away.
‘You can go wait for Matt in his room if you want.’ Damn if I could get my brain to work enough to remember if Matt had ever left the flat or if he was still at home.
I pushed up on my feet, gaze flicking nervously around. He watched me, I could feel it. He didn’t deserve to watch me being a mess. I could very well go and fall apart on my own.
‘I’m going to the bathroom to clean my hand. Matt’s room is over there.’ Had he been here before? Did he know where Matt’s room was? I couldn’t remember. My brain was all fuzzy.
He hesitated, looking torn, but then nodded and headed out of the kitchen.
I followed him out but slipped into the bathroom while he continued to Matt’s door. The bathroom door clicked shut behind me and I stood there, taking in the spacious room.
The pills were still in the sink. The damn pills… How long had it been since the last time I’d taken pills? I couldn’t remember that either. Shit…
I fished my phone out of my pocket and with shaking fingers managed to speed-dial Mum.
‘Mum?’ I squeaked as she answered in her curt, no-nonsense kind of way.
‘Joshua?’ She was instantly alert.
‘I’m sorry.’ Tears leaked out from under my eyelids. Why did I always have to be such a failure? ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘What’re you sorry for?’ she demanded to know. ‘Joshua? What have you done?’
‘I just wanted to take the edge off,’ I sniffled. ‘But I think I took too many pills.’
A beat of silence as she digested that. ‘How many pills?’
‘Not enough to—’ to kill myself. ‘But I feel woozy. I dropped a glass and cut myself on the shards.’
‘Don’t swallow any more pills, you hear me?’ Her voice was hard, demanding. ‘Do not take a single pill more, Joshua, you hear that?’
I nodded—then belatedly realised she couldn’t see that. ‘Y-yeah. I won’t.’
‘I’ll be over soon, okay? Just—don’t do anything.’
I clutched the phone tight in my hand, not sure what to say.
‘Is anyone home?’
‘Matt might be, I don’t know. He’s got a visitor, anyway.’
‘What about Silver or Kian? Go knock on their door, see if they’re there. Sit with them if they are until I get there, okay?’
I nodded again—then my non-functioning brain figured out she couldn’t bloody see me. ‘Okay.’
We rang off and I slowly made my way out of the bathroom. It felt like I was floating… or maybe like the walls were moving. Or the floor, perhaps.
Silver and Kian’s bedroom door was closed. I knocked weakly. My hand swam in front of my eyes a little. It didn’t quite do what I wanted it to do, at least.
There was no answer. I managed a harder knock, but still nothing. Not home then.
I turned—and my stomach lurched. ‘Shit,’ I murmured, hurrying to the toilet. I just managed to fall on my knees in front of it and open the lid before the pills, and the breakfast I’d had earlier came up again.
I rested my cheek against the ring. Normally that would’ve felt a little… disgusting, but right now I didn’t have any energy to move.
Get here soon, Mum. I need you.
‘You swallowed pills?’ was the first thing Damian said when he came home, silently slipping into our bedroom where I was curled on the bed.
Mum had just left after she’d bought take-away for me, Matt and Caesar. I was full, much calmer, and ashamed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, clutching at my own arms where I had my arms wrapped around me. ‘I didn’t mean to, I swear. I just wanted to calm down.’
‘Josh.’ He sighed. Then he crossed the floor and sat down on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on top of my hand that was clutching at the fabric of my jumper.
‘I only wanted to calm down,’ I explained brokenly. ‘That’s the only reason I took them.’
‘Calm down from what?’ he asked, sounding resigned.
‘It’s all my fault.’ I curled up tighter like I was in physical pain. I wasn’t, it was all emotional. It hurt even more. I wished it was physical. ‘Matt… He’s turning into me.’
‘No, he isn’t.’ Damian ran his knuckles down my cheek, then turned his hand around to cup it, thumb stroking softly. ‘He’s not like you, Josh. Yes, he cuts, but he’s been through a lot. It could’ve been worse. He could’ve turned to drugs, for example. Cutting is man
ageable, at least.’
How could he have such a positive outlook on this? Look at me, I wanted to scream. I can never stop! But I didn’t say it. ‘I caught him at it, years ago, before Ray died. I’m not sure if he’d cut or not, but he did tap a knife against his wrist. I’m pretty sure he’d cut before, but not deep. And I didn’t—’ I swallowed. ‘I didn’t tell anyone. He made me swear not to tell anyone and I figured if it was only rasps, it wasn’t so bad. But look where he is now.’
He didn’t say anything for a long time to my confession. ‘It’s not your fault.’
How could he say that when in not too long Matt’s arms would be just as scarred as mine? We were two heavily scarred individuals. Without me around, would he really have resorted to it? Without having seen my arms for himself? If he’d started before Ray even died…
‘Josh.’ He nudged me further back on the bed so there was enough space for him to lay down. He lay on his side facing me, one hand resting on my waist, the other prying one hand from my arm and tangling our fingers. ‘Matt is his own person. This isn’t something that you led him into. He chose to cut. You didn’t cut for him. It’s. Not. You’re. Fault.’ He rested his forehead against mine. ‘Matt’s depressed. That will also never be your fault, okay? Cutting is just a manifestation of that depression. Like you, it’s a way for him to deal with what’s bothering him. Maybe it’s all that’s keeping him alive.’
This last part was said in a very low voice. Because he knew perfectly well cutting was the only thing that had kept me alive.
‘I bet you wish you’d never met me,’ I murmured, staring down at our tangled fingers. ‘Ever since we met, your life has gotten worse.’
‘Life got better too, Josh. You make it better.’ He nudged my forehead with his chin, then settled down again, forehead to forehead. ‘I could’ve lost Ray anyway. And Matt’s clearly had issues even before Ray died, so we might’ve been right here with him no matter what.’
‘But if not for me he’d have his parents. He wouldn’t be estranged from his mother.’ I’d been estranged from mine my entire childhood. But now we were close and I could never be without her. I didn’t want Matt to be without that support.
‘Matt and Claire aren’t you and Angelina. I’ve told you this. Angelina wasn’t much of a mother to you when you were growing up, but now you’re her whole world. Claire lived for her children, but when Ray died she changed… This isn’t the same as you and your mother, Josh. Not everyone gets a happy ending.’
Tears leaked from my eyes and trickled slowly down my cheeks until they dripped onto the bedding.
‘You know what he’s going through, Josh. I know what to expect because I’ve been through it with you.’ He pressed a kiss to my forehead now. ‘So we’ll help him. We’ll get through this.’
I sniffled.
‘Out of all of us, you’re the one who understands the cutting best. So we’re not going into this blind. We’ll help him. We can do this. You and me and Angelina. And Matilda and Caesar. We’re all here for him.’
I scooted in closer to him, not sure what to say.
‘I know it feels like it’s the end of the world for you right now, but it’s really not,’ he said reassuringly. ‘We know about Matt now, what he’s dealing with, what he’s doing to himself. Which means we can finally get him the help he needs.’
‘Let’s hope the help he needs is more effective and happens quicker than the help I need,’ I muttered. I’d been in therapy for so many years and I wasn’t really doing any better. Not by much.
‘Josh.’ Damian coaxed my head up a little so I had to meet his eyes. ‘Just stop thinking. We’ve got this. He’s going with you to see Vincent on Monday morning. That’s a good thing. That’s progress. That’s help.’
I nodded, understanding what he was saying. ‘I’m blowing it all out of proportions again, like usual.’ I chuckled through my tears.
‘You’re worried about him.’ He dried my tears. ‘We all are. But the ball’s rolling now. Let’s not worry about anything but what we’ve got right here in front of us. There’s no point thinking about what-ifs or could-have-beens. We’ve got a situation and we’re dealing with it as swiftly as we can. As best we can.’
I tilted my head up and was only slightly surprised when he kissed me. It wasn’t a deep kiss by any means, we didn’t really do that whole French kissing thing all that much, but it was exactly what I needed. His lips sliding softly against mine, his body pressed up against mine, one of his hands cupping my face, the other still tangled with mine.
‘I love you,’ I whispered as he broke the kiss. His lips still hovered close to mine, so close I could only tilt my chin up a little to kiss him again. ‘I love you so much.’
‘I love you too, Josh.’
Damian had a habit of working better as a mood stabiliser on me than my actual mood stabilisers. He was the best sort of medicine—but not even he could be of help all the time. But that was the case with all medicine I’d ever been on. Medicine could stop working after a while, even if it’d been perfect before. I didn’t think that would happen with Damian though. He wasn’t a cure, not at all, but at least he was a constant in my life that wouldn’t go away.
He was the most important person in my life and I hated that I kept worrying him all the time. That now he had me to worry about on top of all worries with Matt. But Damian never faltered. He stayed at my side, always. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. I always knew that, deep down, but sometimes even that knowledge was overshadowed by my demons and my guilt and everything else I struggled with on a daily basis.
I had been through a lot. Ten years, possibly more, of horrific abuse. Abusing myself because of that, as a means to survive. I’d tried to kill myself, gone through two trials, faced him again when he’d gotten out of prison, almost died—and Ray had died… yet I was still here. I’d survived all that.
Damian had survived all that had happened to him. He’d lost his entire family. His uncle had taken him in and now he’d lost him too. His only last relative that was older than him. Claire was related by marriage, but we didn’t see much of her nowadays. He only had Matilda and matt left… yet everything we’d been through, we were still here. We were alive, still together, still going strong. Even if I wasn’t strong at all and he was perhaps too strong.
We fit together, somehow. We were both scarred, inside and out, but we survived. We were strong. I was strong. I’d survived this long, even while slipping up constantly. I’d survived everything that was thrown at me, everything I’d done to myself. As long as I had Damian, I’d fight to survive everything.
Because love… It was something I’d never had before. And now that I did, it was something precious and I clutched it close with everything I had. I wasn’t going to lose it, not when I’d fought so hard to get it.
And Matt? He had us. He had a new boyfriend he clearly fancied. He had his sister. And we’d all help him. And if he slipped up… well, so did I, but I kept on fighting. So would he. He’d agreed to get help. That was a great beginning.
We would all make it. We had to. The only other option was death, and we’d all had too much death or near-death experiences in our life for a lifetime. Death just wasn’t an option I was okay with choosing, even if I had come close several times. I wanted to live. For Damian, for Mum, for Matilda and matt and all my friends.
Knowing that was enough. It would keep me fighting, even when life was so dark I couldn’t see a way up.
Love made us all strong. It gave us something to fight for. We might be scarred and abused and broken, but we kept on fighting for it. I had so many people in my life who loved me. And best of all, I had a lot of love to give to all those people in my life who deserved it.
‘We’ll make it, Josh,’ Damian said then, breaking me out of my thoughts.’ We always do.’
Yeah, we did.
Afterword
Thank you so much for reading Scarred Arms! This short takes place concurrently with
Lost Souls, the novel told from Matt’s POV. Here you get to see some of Josh’s side of things. I hope you enjoyed it!
If you enjoyed Scarred Arms, I would be ever so grateful if you could leave a review on Amazon or whichever site you purchased the book from. Even if you’re short on time, a couple sentences is enough. Reviews help visibility—they’re so important to authors, especially indie authors like myself.
Are you curious about the other couples in the overarching series?
Inked Souls follows Kian and Silver.
Broken Souls is the start of Chad, Jeremy and Dion’s duet.
Lost Souls follows Matt, Damian’s cousin.
Bruised Souls is the start of Kasey’s, Kian’s younger brother, and Wynn’s, Chad’s best friend, duet.
Also by TT Kove
Something More
More Than Words
More Than Anything
More Than Enough
… and more!
Under an Arctic Sky
Arctic Heat
Arctic Adventures
Arctic Dreams
… and more!
Check out all books on my website!
About the Author
Tina T. Kove likes to write about characters as queer as she is. Her books are mostly of the contemporary and new adult slice-of-life variety. She likes to write about troubled and flawed characters with difficult pasts, as well as the love they end up finding—even if they aren’t looking. Difficult subjects such as mental illnesses, past trauma, and self-injury frequently finds their way into her books.
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