by Lara Swann
“Yeah, I guess.” I say, a little reluctant. I’m still not sure what I think of Nathan making decisions for me like that. “Well, it would be helpful now.”
“That’s why I said it.” His smile widens, becoming more of a smirk as he teases me, and I nudge him back.
I still don’t think there’s any real point in talking to Ash, but I’m kind of glad Nathan suggested it anyway. It gives me something to focus on - something to do. That helps. It will let me feel like I’m doing something about this, instead of floundering uselessly, and I guess it’s simple at least. I’m not expecting anything, so it won’t be as hard as everything else I have to deal with.
I wonder whether he even remembers you.
That idea stings a little, when the night meant so much to me - but then again, it was my first time, of course it was going to mean a lot to me. For all I know, he does that every night. I can’t really blame him for any of that, either - it was my choice to sleep with him.
I wanted it. So much. Even now, I’m not sure I can say I regret it.
“Nathan…” I say, after a little while longer, the thought of all this slowly sinking deeper and deeper as I stroke my stomach.
“Mm, hon?”
“I guess…I guess people do this all the time, right?” I finally say, trying to voice the conclusion I’m slowly trying to come to. The hope that still feels like a distant, hazy thing. “People have babies all the time. They manage. Even if it’s unexpected. They probably don’t know what the hell they’re doing when they find out either, right? But they cope okay, don’t they?”
He turns to me, smiling properly for the first time that evening, and squeezes my shoulder again.
“Yeah, Chloe. Yeah, they do.”
I stay there for a long time that evening, and we don’t say much more - but eventually, by the time I leave, I manage a small smile too.
Chapter Eight
Ash
I’m in the back office pouring over a couple of documents and trying to sort through the bills I’m paying - never a strength of mine - when I hear the bell clanging above the front door as someone walks in.
“Be right with you!” I call out, writing a final figure down before setting the documents aside.
I stand, with my head still craning to try and look at the papers even as I step away, my head full of numbers. With all the invoices and money coming in and out with various delays, it’s hard to tell how the shop is doing sometimes.
I don’t look up until I’m halfway through the room, waiting until I’ve got my customary smile plastered onto my face.
“How can I help—”
I come to an abrupt stop as I finally see who just walked into the shop.
Not a leather-clad guy with a helmet under his arm. Not one of my regular customers, come to inquire about their bike or ask about additional work. Not an old friend, stopping by to see how I’m doing - though since I last talked to Blake, none of that has happened. He’s respected my wishes there, at least.
No one I possibly could have expected.
“Chloe?” I stare at her - and I’m surprised at the immediate wave of pleasure that runs through me at seeing her again.
I have no idea how she found out about this place. I was pretty sure she knew nothing about me at all, just like I knew nothing about her, and the chances of us running into each other were none at all.
She’s as pretty in daylight as I remember from that night, too - more pretty, actually. Her brown hair is glossy and thick, her cute button-nose in the middle of her heart-shaped face is covered in freckles, as I’d thought, and she’s still wearing modest clothes that my mind goes immediately to ripping off her.
Yeah. Real appropriate.
Well, that has been the memory that’s been playing around in my head, what else should I expect?
“Hey.” She says, giving me a semi-awkward, semi-warm smile.
“How are you?” I ask, slightly inanely, having no idea what this situation calls for. I match her smile, though, and I don’t hold back my own warmth. “How did you find me?”
I still think of that night. A lot.
“My friend told me you had a shop here.” She says, not quite meeting my gaze.
I feel some of the brightness in my smile dim a little, even though I know it’s stupid. So she knew where I was this whole time…she just didn’t want to come by. Not for over a month…maybe six weeks.
I mean, that shouldn’t surprise me. I knew what we were doing was a one-time thing. Hell, I probably would have been a little freaked out if she had turned up here out of the blue, after such a hot night together. It was her first time, after all, and I’d be worried she might get attached…
Except now that she is here, I’m not freaked out at all.
Just pleased. And more than a little curious.
“Listen, Ash.” Her expression changes too, and she shifts uncomfortably, hands wringing together - and I start to get a little worried - until she finally looks straight at me, taking a deep breath as she holds my gaze. “I just came to tell you…well, I don’t know how to say this, but…I’m pregnant.”
I freeze, for the second time. Only this is more of an all-encompassing, deep-body freezing than the simple surprise of seeing the woman I’ve been fantasizing about for the last six weeks turn up at my shop.
“You’re…” I start, trying to get the words out. To blindly grope for confirmation.
“Pregnant.” She repeats, nodding. “I, um, I don’t know how exactly…I mean, it was only that once, but…”
Pregnant. Oh fuck. Oh—fucking—fuck.
“I’m going to keep it.” She continues, blindsiding me with yet another life-changing announcement, while my mind is still spinning and nothing quite seems real anymore. “But you don’t need to worry about it or anything - I don’t expect anything from you, I know you didn’t want any of this. I just…well, you should know, that’s all. That’s why I came. But, don’t worry about it, okay—”
“Woah.” I say, just to stop the stream of words I can’t possibly comprehend. “Just…just wait a minute, okay. I’m still…I don’t even…I can’t…”
I shake my head, and on instinct, I find myself walking over to her, needing some of that closeness. She doesn’t step back, but she does look confused when I rest my hands on her shoulders, my fingers caressing automatically.
“You’re pregnant?” I repeat, my voice low.
Everything else she said can wait for the moment. I need to take this one step at a time.
She nods again, but at least this time she doesn’t try to start another torrent of words. From the look in her eyes, maybe she gets some of the shock I’m going through. I guess she must have gone through that herself. Only, of course, she seems to have come out the other side now - with decisions and thoughts and assumptions that I can’t even process right now.
“With my baby?” I continue. I feel a stab of guilt at asking the question, but I absolutely have to hear it straight. It’s too important not to.
I don’t even stumble over the words ‘my baby’, despite how strange and alien they feel to me. I can’t have a baby. I’m only twenty-five. I don’t know anything about kids. I don’t have my life sorted, or any idea how to deal with this.
“Yes.” She says, holding my gaze calmly, without flinching from the question or any hint of censure that I asked it. “That’s the only time I’ve ever had sex.”
I blink, slightly taken aback by that sudden burst of information - both that she hasn’t slept with anyone else since then, and that she’s talking about it so much more easily. None of the blushing or embarrassment or anything. Then again, this is a little different from dirty talk and flirting.
“Right.” I say, though my voice sounds a little hoarse. “Okay.”
My stomach feels like it’s going to drop out from under me at any moment, roiling and tumbling, but I ignore the free-falling sensation for a moment.
“And…you’re going to keep it?”
I ask, working my way through the different things she said that are so hard to absorb right now. I hesitate, then try the words out in my mouth, too. “Our baby?”
She blinks, her expression changing for a moment as she hears me say that, but it’s gone as quickly as it came and she nods.
“Yes, I’m going to keep it.” She confirms, and this time there’s a hint of defiance in her tone - defensiveness. “But as I said, you don’t have to be involved or anything. I can’t—I couldn’t—it’s my baby. I might not have expected it - it might not have been what we intended - but it’s still—”
“Woaahh…shhh…okay…” I say, ignoring every other instinct and pulling her into my arms. Part of me wanted to do that the moment I saw her, but now it’s far too strong an urge to ignore. She’s carrying my baby, for fuck’s sake. Something about that makes me want her in my arms even more. “Listen, let’s not…can we not…”
I stall, not sure exactly what I want to say, just knowing I don’t want to be hearing any more of that. Instead, I sigh and start stroking her back, relieved when some of the stiffness leaves her body and she relaxes into me. Her arms come up, but only to my hips, hooking into the belt loops in my jeans. It’s enough for me, and I can’t help leaning down and breathing in that floral perfume she wears. It’s sweet and soft and I have to stop when I feel myself starting to respond.
Yeah, fuck off dick. Really not the time.
I take a step back, just to look down and meet her gaze, but I don’t let go of her arms.
“I…this is a lot, Chloe.” I say, murmuring it slightly. “I can’t…I don’t know how to…I don’t know what I think just yet, okay? But if you want to keep this baby, then…okay.”
Her gaze flicks up to mine, and I can read the shock there.
Just what kind of guy does she think I am?
Then again, she knows nothing about me - and, well, I was just thinking about all the reasons a baby is a terrible idea right now. When she said she was going to keep it, though…I don’t think distress was something I felt at all. If anything, I might have been relieved.
I don’t really know why - I haven’t had the slightest chance to think about any of this. Before this moment, I’m not sure I’ve ever considered whether or not I want kids. But even so…
“I…what?” She asks, looking up at me in confusion.
“I said, that’s okay.” I repeat, letting her see it on my face. “Look, I don’t really know—I have no idea how I feel about this, okay? But I…I don’t think it’s a bad thing, you keeping it, if you wanted to know.”
“You…don’t?” She repeats, almost a whisper.
I shake my head, and watch as her expression starts to shift - some of that resolute hardness falling away as her mouth trembles, just a little.
She steps a little bit closer, still looking up at me, biting her lip while she does. “I…I’ve been so scared, Ash.”
Something inside me softens too, seeing her look so vulnerable, and I pull her in for a deeper hug, her arms come around me properly now as the occasional sob escapes.
Oh, fuck. Now what do I do? I still…I can’t…oh my god, this is so much…
My head feels a little like it’s about to explode, too many thoughts and feelings battling for attention all at once. My stomach is twisting and dropping, the huge pit that formed inside it at the first mention of the word ‘pregnant’ still there.
None of that seems to matter, though, the moment I hear that first hiccup-sob slip out.
“Shhh…okay, it’s okay…” I murmur, stroking her back and trying to reassure her.
She clings to me tightly and for a long moment, we just stand there as I try to soothe her, more passing between us in that embrace than anything we could possibly say - sharing the absolute terror of an unexpected pregnancy together. Stupidly, that makes me feel a little better too. Despite all her determination, she doesn’t actually know what she’s doing with this any more than I do. If anything, that should worry me more, but…it doesn’t.
Before I quite know what I’m doing, the tone of my reassurance changes too.
“It’s okay, Chloe…it’s…it is terrifying…but we’ll make it work, okay? I - I don’t know how. I don’t really know…anything. But - but we will.”
She looks up at that, her eyes looking as wide as saucers, sparkling with unshed tears.
“We?” She whispers.
I swallow, but then I nod.
“Yeah.” I say, my tone about as hoarse as hers as I commit myself before I’ve had a chance to think about what the hell I’m doing. “If we’re…going to have a baby, well…we created it together, we’ll figure it out together too."
Fuck it, if I’m honest about it, more of that ‘creating’ is my fault than hers. Idiot.
She bites down on her lips harder as her eyes get more shiny, until I can see the pink of them start turning white with the pressure.
“But, listen.” I add quickly, seeing the dozen questions in her eyes that I can’t possibly answer. I already feel totally overwhelmed, and I know that anything else is going to push me over the edge. “Let’s not…I can’t…I don’t know how long you’ve known, Chloe but I…I think I need some more time to process this. It’s going to be okay - we’ll make it okay - but…let’s have some time before we start talking about this, okay?”
She takes a deep breath, hesitates, but then nods. “Yeah…yeah, I get that. I didn’t think…well, yeah. I don’t know—how it’s going to work—but—”
“Later.” I murmur again, knowing that despite her best intentions, she’s going to start doing exactly what I just asked her not to right now. “We’ve got time, Chloe. Let’s…let’s take a few days, and meet at the end of it, okay? Then we can start talking it through.”
She takes another breath, nodding again. “Okay. Okay, let’s…let’s do that, then.”
I give her an attempt at a smile, even though my mind is too full for there to be much in it, and bring her in for another hug before finally stepping back. I hold her gaze for a few moments, a little concerned about whether she’s going to be okay - but she surprises me by taking a step back, giving me a tentative smile and pulling her phone out. She’s still nervous as hell about the whole thing, I can see that, but also…that doesn’t stop her from getting on with it.
We exchange numbers and agree to meet for dinner on Wednesday, after an art class she’s taking. That’s five days away - more than enough time to get my rioting thoughts under control. Hopefully.
She hesitates before leaving, and I do much the same - wanting to hug her goodbye, but not sure whether we’ve moved on from that - before she gives me a half-wave, steps back again and turns to leave. I watch her until she disappears out of the door, throwing one last glance over her shoulder first, and then I finally stagger to the chair I have at one side of the shop.
“Oh my god.” I whisper again, scrubbing my face with my hands as the terror and uncertainty I’d mostly suppressed finally has a chance to strike at me. “Oh, fuck, Ash. What have you done?”
A baby. Fuck.
I close my eyes and try not to think too much about the innocent girl whose life I’ve just turned upside down. Or what the hell might have just happened to my own life.
It takes me a long time to come out of the dumb stupor, subconsciously relieved that Chloe left in time to avoid seeing any of that - and when I do, there’s only one thing I can think of doing. I grab my phone and scroll to Blake’s name.
Me: Fuck it, I’m in trouble, bro. Drink?
I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks - not since I told him to get out and stay away until all that shit with the club was done - and that last exchange wasn’t exactly pleasant. He’s respecting my wishes there, sure, but I know there’s more under it too - things to thrash out between us.
Now, though? It doesn’t matter.
That’s the way things work between us. We could have gotten into a punch-up and not spoken for months - but if he sent out an SOS, I’
d still be there in a heartbeat - and he’s the same. When there’s real shit going down, I know he’ll have my back, no questions asked.
Sure enough, only a few minutes later I get a response.
Blake: Highway Tavern?
I let out a deep breath, some of the tension in me fading. That suggestion helps, too. It’s a roadside bar with a few rooms on offer for the night that we found together, a good distance away and out in the middle of nowhere, with no affiliation to the club or anyone else who might know us. It’s been our go-to for years, for whenever we’ve had serious shit to discuss - and most of the time, that’s been about the club.
Not this time, though. Oh, no. Buddy, are you in for a surprise.
Me: On my way.
Blake: Me too, bro.
I grab my jacket and the bare minimum I need before jumping on my bike - the Kawasaki again, even though riding it still makes me think of Chloe sometimes - but I want the speed, and hell, it’s not like I’m not going to be thinking of Chloe anyway right now.
I get there in record time - and when I park up, I see Blake’s bike already there. He always could beat my records, the bastard, though right now I’m secretly thankful for that.
I walk into the place and scan the dingy, dark interior until I see Blake in the corner, raising a hand at me. There are two beers already set in front of him and I walk over toward the booth, sliding in opposite him. He nudges the pint over to me and I take a long draught without even saying ‘hello’.
Right now, I need it - and hell, I’ve already decided I’m crashing here tonight. Getting blinding drunk sounds like exactly what I need.
When I set the drink back down, I’ve drained half of it and Blake is eyeing me with concern, his brow furrowed.
“You want to talk about it?” He asks, raising his own glass to his lips and watching me over the rim of it.
I grunt, one hand tapping at the table. The beer hasn’t taken the edge off at all yet.
“You remember that girl I left Jack’s with, a while back?” I ask. “The classy one, dressed all prim-and-proper, there with a guy friend of hers?”
