“I didn’t want it to be like that. I swear to you.” Bringing up my pops hits me hard. I keep forgetting and that’s how I want it to be. I keep thinking he’ll call or text. I keep thinking when all this is over, we’ll have dinner together on Sundays again. I hate it when I remember he’s not here anymore. I can’t handle losing them both at once.
“I’m not all right.” I whisper the truth to her as something pricks at the back of my eyes. “I’m sorry.” Sincerity is there, but I don’t know that she can hear it anymore. The feeling of worthlessness washes over me.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” She takes in a deep breath meant to steady her, but it seems to do the opposite.
“You know what loving you means?” I ask her, raising my voice. “It means protecting you.”
“You can take all those words and—”
“They’re in my vows,” I say, heaving out the words as I interrupt her, my emotions rising and the thought of losing Kat forever becoming more and more real. “Protecting you is in my vows.”
“Don’t talk to me about vows.” I’ve never seen her so angry. The look in her eyes is pure hate mixed with mourning.
“Come here,” I tell her and her eyes narrow.
She tilts her head to the side and looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. My heart feels like it does a somersault, a painful flip in my chest as she says, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“The only reason I’ve been gone is that being seen with you would put you in danger.” I hate myself the moment the confession slips out. Weak. I’m so fucking weak. I need to be a better man for her, but I’ve never been good enough and we both know that.
Kat’s silent, but her expression is unchanged.
With a hesitant step forward and my hands held out to her, I add, “I had to do it.”
“You don’t have to do a damn thing but breathe,” she finally responds, her voice hollow, the devastation I’ve caused ringing out clearly.
“I was only trying to keep you safe.” I say the words quietly as the sight of Kat in front of me becomes more of a reality than my fear ever was.
She hates me. I’ve made my wife hate me. Pain ricochets through every piece of me.
“Well, thank you for that,” she answers sarcastically with tears in her eyes as she shakes her head.
“I swear.” I feel tears prick my eyes as I fall to my knees in front of her. I’m not in control anymore. I’m not in control of a damn thing and purely at her mercy. “I’m here right now because I can’t stay away any longer.” My heart crumples at the words that I choke on.
Kat takes a small step back, brushing against the counter as she does, and I wish I still had a grip on her.
I murmur my apology. “I didn’t know it would take this long. I’m sorry. I fucked up. Repeatedly and I’m trying, but I’m failing.”
“Didn’t know what would take this long?” she asks, crossing her arms and refusing to look into my eyes, but she’s full of emotion and on edge waiting for me to open up to her. I know her, and I know that’s exactly what this is. That’s what made her fall in love with me. I swallow the thick lump in my throat and pray I’m not making a mistake.
“I’m …” I can hardly breathe as the words threatening, investigating, framing get caught in my throat.
“Tell me, Evan.” Kat licks her lower lip and stares down at me with tired eyes. “I’ve had enough and I’m over the secrets and the lies. I’m over this,” she says and gestures between us although as she does, her expression morphs into pain. “What was so important that it had to be done to protect me?”
“It’s going to sound crazy,” I warn her, staring up at her from where I am as the dawn slips in through the windows, playing with the shadows on her gorgeous face.
“It already does.”
“James is the one who’s responsible for Tony’s death.” I confess still on my knees, although I let go of her. I hate myself for telling her and bringing her into this, and I almost don’t say another word.
“He was trying to kill me, not Tony.” My throat is dry and scratchy as the words slowly leave me and I rise to stand, feeling the weight of it all rain down on me. “And he knows I know.”
Denial forces Kat to shake her head, a crease settling between her brow. It’s a small motion of disbelief, but she doesn’t speak as she drops her arms, listening.
“It’s because of his divorce. He wants Samantha scared and he wanted to prove he’d do anything. So he tried to kill me, thinking I’d do a line of it. It backfired.”
Her mouth opens and closes, but she still says nothing. A lightness carries me forward, knowing she’s listening. At the very least, she’s listening.
Please believe me. “I’ve been tracking his schedule and routines, breaking into his house and office looking for evidence or something that can prove it.”
A huff of disbelief so faint I almost think I imagine it leaves Kat’s lips as she turns from me, facing the sink and putting her fingers to her lips.
“Talk to me, please,” I beg her and a trace of anger flashes in her eyes.
“You could have gone to the cops,” she finally says. “Like a normal human being.”
“I couldn’t go to the cops with nothing on him. James has proof I was with Tony. It’s his word against mine, and he has photos. I listened to him that night. I went along with the alibi and lied to the cops. I fucked up and he tried to blackmail me, but I called his bluff.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kat says then exhales.
“You see why I didn’t tell you? It’s too much and you’re pregnant. If he’s after me and he knows I love you, he’d go after you too.” My biggest fear slips from me and I can’t control how my eyes glaze over as the terrors I’ve dealt with every night for weeks linger between us. I’ve pictured her here on the floor, just by my feet, dead almost every night.
Yet I’m here. I’ve told her. And there’s a chance I just brought that reality to life.
“You could have messaged me; you didn’t have to hurt me.”
Swallowing thickly, I gather my composure, refusing to let the fear win although everything else has failed. “He’s tracking my texts, babe, he’s following my every step. Just to get here, I had to make sure to lose the guy he paid to follow me around.”
“This is insane, Evan. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I have someone working on it and we’re trying.”
“Who?” she asks and when I don’t answer she adds, “No more secrets, and no more lies. I want all of it.”
“Mason,” I confide in her, and it takes a moment to register.
“Does Jules know?” she asks, worry riddled in her downturned expression.
“I doubt it.”
“So, because you think I could have been in potential danger, you left me alone, treated me like I was … like I was nothing?”
“He would have killed you,” I tell her, stressing the truth of the situation.
“You don’t know that.”
“I met him, and he brought you up.” My throat goes dry at the memory. “He would have gone for you, Kat.”
She shakes her head in disbelief.
“If I lose you, I have nothing!” The words are ripped from my throat, desperate for her to see what I’ve been seeing. To feel what I’ve been feeling, complete and utter loss. I calm my voice and take a step closer to her then say, “If he killed you, I would have nothing to live for.”
She stares into my eyes with a look I can’t quite read and whispers, “I’d rather die beside you than live without you.”
“I would kill myself if anyone hurt you because of me. I don’t know how you can’t see that.” She appraises me for a moment, her shoulders rising and falling with soft breaths. “I promise it’s almost over. I promise you Kat, I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to.”
“You should have known better than to keep it from me. What if you had died?” she asks me, and I can’t answer right away. I’d never co
nsidered it. “What if he killed you? I would have never known.”
“My only thought was to keep you safe; I wasn’t concerned with anything else.
“If you do what I say, we can still be together,” I tell her and the reaction I get is nothing like what I’d planned. She’s not at all moved by my confession. She can’t tell a soul or let on that we’re together. “If we’re together,” I say then stop midsentence, afraid that we’re not. Afraid that it’s too late.
“You don’t control me anymore.” Although her words are spoken easily, and she seems to understand everything, her walls are still high, guarding her from me.
“Kat, I love you, but I will lock you in a fucking room to keep you safe. If you don’t listen to me, then you leave me with no choice. I swear to God I will.”
Smack!
My face burns with a stinging sensation as the sound rings in the air. My lungs halt as my eyes widen, taking in the vision of a pissed-off Kat in front of me with her hand still raised. My hand slowly rises to my jaw.
I’ve never seen Kat strike a person in my life. She’s not a violent person by nature.
But I guess I had it coming to me.
“Don’t you dare tell me that you love me.”
I don’t fucking hesitate to respond, “I love you more than anything, and I’ll never deny it. I’ll tell you every single day for the rest of my life.” Even with my jaw stinging from the impact.
“I can keep a secret too. You could have told me. You didn’t have to put me through this with everything else I’m dealing with.”
“One slip is all it will take. If anyone even thinks we’re back together … that’s all it would take.”
“Well, you told me now,” she states with finality and I take her hand in mine, forcing it up so she can see.
“Because you took off your ring,” I tell her, not holding back the pain it caused. “Because you kissed someone else.” Her fight vanishes, not all at once, but slowly as both of us breathe heavily, the air between us growing hotter. “Because I thought I was losing you forever.”
“You left me with no choice,” she says although a look of regret flashes in her eyes.
“I didn’t have one either. You have to believe me.”
“You really love me?”
“I do. You must know it’s true. I know you do.”
“You want to be with me? You want to keep me yours?” she asks, completely serious as if there’s any other option for me.
“Yes, it’s all I want. And to keep you safe.”
“Evan.” She utters my name softly but as it rings through the air, I hear the threat that comes with it. Her eyes pierce through me as she stares back at me.
“You’ll come back to me, every night. Every fucking night. You’ll message me back every time I text you.”
“I can’t text you back from my phone.” Her eyes narrow and I’m quick to come up with a solution as I offer, “But I can get another.”
“Damn right you will,” she answers me and I find the corners of my lips kick up in amusement. I love my wife and she loves me. Thank fuck.
Just as that truth begins to comfort me, she adds, “I don’t like you doing this.”
“I promise it’s almost over.”
“Evan, you better never do this to me again.”
“I promise, baby. I promise never again. Everything’s going to change from here on out. I promise.”
“We can get through anything, but never this again,” she whispers, and I know I have her. I have her back and I’ll be damned if I ever let her feel lonely again.
Chapter 23
Kat
“Talk to me,” Evan says again, and I want to. God, I do, but there’s so much to say.
“You want to hear what I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks?” I ask and even to my own ears, I sound like I’ve lost it.
“Kat, you—”
I don’t care what he has to say, I’m going to lay it all out there for him and he can decide what he wants to do with it. I have a plan, I have needs. Either he’s in, or he’s out. I’ll accept either; I’m willing to give it a chance. There’s only so much that’s left of me, though, and he needs to be very aware of that.
“I’m exasperated. Just because you said sorry doesn’t take away everything. It doesn’t make it all just fine and back to normal. I’m still … feeling.” The spiraling that’s come over me day in and day out threatens to take me over now, and I let it happen. “I feel like someone’s run over my body with a truck and then backed up. My hips and back hurt. I can’t sleep. And that’s just the pregnancy.” With a deep inhale, I continue before he can interrupt me.
“You know, the baby you put in me? That’s still happening and by the way, pregnancy doesn’t just pause because things have been insane. So, I’m dealing with hormones, and I cry way too much for no reason. I feel sick and I can’t sleep. I’m paranoid and I’m so damn alone that I’ve truly been scared. I feel crazy and I don’t even know what part of this is normal and what part isn’t.” The words leave me in a fluid mix of emotions. Like a purge of everything I’ve been feeling, piling up until it drowned me. With a shuddering breath, I attempt to calm myself, not knowing how he’ll take any of it and very much aware I’m an absolute mess.
After a moment, he speaks. “I want to hold you,” is all he says. I’m caught, shaken and uncertain as I stand in front of him in nothing but a T-shirt in our kitchen. My God do I want him, but murder? People trying to kill him? I can barely handle normal life. “I want to make all the pain go away; I’ll take it from you. I promise,” he says in a deep cadence that washes a sense of calm over it all. Evan slips closer to me, wrapping a hand around my waist and I can feel myself falling back into the same trap. Because he does that to me. He makes the pain go away and he makes it so easy to give in.
“Stop,” I say, pleading with him. “It’s like history repeating itself.” My body and my thoughts are at war with each other. I’m brought back to every kiss we’ve had, every time he’s held my hand, every heated moment that’s left me consumed. The world is nothing without him in it and I know it, mind, body and soul.
“It’s not,” Evan says matter-of-factly to me, his voice begging me and my body persuading me to once again fall into his arms. Which is right where I want to be. The very thought tugs at every string wrapped around my battered heart.
“We have a baby coming and I can’t put this baby through what we’ve been going through, Evan,” I say, admitting my fears to him. If only he knew how much it hurt. “I’m afraid every time I cry the baby can feel it. I terrified I’m hurting him already.” As I say the words, tears prick my eyes.
“Him?” Evan asks. “You think we’re having a boy?” The shine in his eyes is of pure devotion. That’s how he breaks me down. By truly loving me.
“Don’t change the subject,” I warn him although it warms my heart and I can’t help but feel it resonate. “I want you, Evan. But I want you here with me, and committed to me and this baby.”
“I know,” he says. “I love you, Kat. I love you with everything in me and I won’t stop proving that to you every day for the rest of our lives.”
Even though he’s saying all the right things and I love it, I have to be honest. “I swear I can’t take it anymore.”
“Never again. I can’t stand not being with you,” he tells me, and my body succumbs to a warmth that’s been there all along, waiting just beneath the surface.
He pulls me into his arms and I let him. Even more, I grip onto his shirt as he wraps his muscular arms around me and I breathe in his scent of fresh forest after rain. This is home. This is what feeling complete feels like. I’m so very aware of everything he said only moments ago. The threats and danger are legitimate, but it all comes with him. I can keep a secret. I’ll do whatever I have to if it means I get to have Evan completely.
My eyes shut tight, willing the unwanted thoughts away as Evan whispers just beneath the shell of my ear, “I want
to make it all better.” He’s so close that my hair tickles my neck as it moves gently with his breath.
He says the right words. He’s always been good at that.
He lowers his lips to the sensitive part of my neck. “I only want to love you, and have you love me back.”
My poor heart has barely survived all this time without him, but it rages now, pounding against my rib cage. I suppose it’s only beating still because it hasn’t belonged to me in years. It’s always been his.
I nod my head and look down at his chest, inhaling his scent I’ve missed for so long, feeling his touch I’ve been craving.
“You’re still wearing your jacket,” I comment softly as I run the tips of my fingers down the zipper. I lift my gaze to his dark eyes, swirling with desire. “Take it off.”
I bite my lower lip then take half a step back as he keeps his eyes on mine and slips his jacket down his arms.
“Your shirt,” I say in a breathy voice and in an instant, he tugs it over his head then carelessly drops it to the floor. The fabric puddles at his feet. He closes the space between us as desire spikes in my blood. Like the first night I saw him, knowing he was trouble, yet I can’t resist.
“What now?” Evan asks, moving his pointer finger to the bottom of the cotton T-shirt and slipping it upward, tugging ever so gently until he reaches the peaks of my breasts. He closes his fingers around my nipples with a slight pinch and then tugs. Gasping, I let my head fall back. The sensation is directly linked to my clit and it forces me to part my lips with a soft moan. “What now, baby?”
“Mmm,” I manage, and that’s all I can offer as lust clouds my judgment. I missed this. I missed him. Such a small touch and yet it feels all-consuming.
“How about this?” Evan suggests and then he unbuckles his belt. The sound of his pants being unzipped fills the small kitchen and my body aches to reach out to him.
His pants fall to the floor and he pushes his boxers down with them, stepping out of them and exposing his already hard cock. Every nerve ending in my body lights just seeing him bared to me. Knowing how much pleasure he can and will give to me.
You Know I Need You: Book 2, You Know Me duet (You Are Mine Duets 4) Page 13
