Not Sorry

by Erin Lee

  Revenge. A lack of self-esteem. Loneliness. Those were the reasons women had a one-night stand with a man they’d never see again. Those things weren’t Jenner… Hell, the women had notes in her notebook for when to brush her teeth. The last thing she was was carefree.

  Jenner

  “…Not sure what else to say about it. Or him. It just didn’t feel right. And now I’m so busy with work that I just don’t see any point in it, ya know?”

  “I guess.”

  Rob smiled at me but there was something about the movement in his forehead that said he didn’t believe me. I didn’t know what was so hard to understand. I just wasn’t ready. Unravelling wedding plans once in a lifetime was enough for me. And I truly believed things happened for a reason. Jack and me just weren’t meant to be. I didn’t know why Rob, or anyone else for that matter, had to make such a big deal of it.

  “You guess? Why does it feel like it’s hard for people to get?”

  “Well you were engaged to him. I mean, you loved him. I would hope.”

  “Yes. I think I did. Or I wanted to. We were young.”

  “It was only a few years ago.”

  “I’m still young.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Sure, but I’m just saying we weren’t right for each other. He’d never had supported my career. He was too tied up in his own.”

  “But you said he wasn’t hungry.”

  “Not in the same way I was. It’s hard to explain. His life was kind of mapped out.”

  Rob laughed. “Yours isn’t?”

  “Okay. Fair. But I’ve made those plans. Those plans are my own. His was different. His was something he had to do because his family wanted to. He wasn’t—I don’t know—like you.” I didn’t know how to articulate it. It was probably the thing that had me wishing for Rob to finally get up the balls to kiss me. For an escort, he sure was slow to make a move. An hour alone in a hotel room and even with the booze, he’d sat plastered in the tiny love seat like I had some sort of fatal disease and he wasn’t sure he wanted to catch it. Hell, we’d been in closer proximity on the plane with Grandpa in between us.

  “Like me? How so? My plans aren’t my own either.”

  “You’re wrong. Yeah. I get it. You have to worry about your mom and sister. But you found a way to do it that was all your own.”

  “Is it hot in here?”

  His question came out of nowhere. The room was set to the perfect 68 degrees. And I wouldn’t exactly describe Boston weather as hot. Hell, since arriving I’d been freezing. I didn’t know how people managed to put up with the chilly air that only came to California in December so many months a year.

  “No.”

  “I’m sweating to death.”

  I didn’t have to tell him to take his shirt off. He just did. And if it wasn’t for the ripples in his chest, I might have tried to stop him. I wasn’t stupid. I knew this was his first move. It had to be. But instead of flexing or doing anything fishy, he asked for a glass of water. It was almost like the roles were reversed. Like he was the one about to have a panic attack. Moving quickly toward the mini bar, I grabbed a tiny bottle of water they’d charge me $5 for and handed it to him. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Sorry. Just hot. I get like this.”

  Hot, for sure. I watched him gulp down the water; no longer certain he was trying in any way to attempt to show off.

  “Here, I can turn the AC on.” I moved toward the sole window in the room. It was locked. Fresh air wasn’t an option on the seventh floor. But a burst of frigid air and the loud hum of the air conditioning filled the room quickly as I pulled open the thick, mustard colored curtains. “Give it a sec.”

  Glancing toward my right, my eyes caught on the hotel-issued standard alarm clock. It was already past 1 a.m. I had to be back at the convention center by no later than seven. I was set to speak at eight. At least the plane ride home would be a chance to sleep.

  Home. I dreaded it. The idea of returning to my empty loft with its bare walls and piles of spreadsheets seemed less than appealing. Jack had taken our shared cat nearly a year ago and the place was just, well, cold.

  “Better,” he said, standing and putting both hands behind his head.

  I watched blue light from a building across the way dance across his toned chest and catch on his left shoulder. There, a tribal tattoo with flowers dared me to ask the inevitable.

  “When did you get that?” I wanted to hate it, but couldn’t. There was something delicate about the blue carnation and soft daisy behind the hard black lines.

  “Renee’s birthday. Blue’s her favorite color. Mom’s the daisies.”

  “You’re the tribal?”

  He nodded.

  “Nice. I like it.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “Actually, I do.”

  “Wow. Well, then thanks. Didn’t seem like the sort of thing you’d like.”

  “Not usually.” But I like you. Don’t ask me why.

  “Sorry about that,” he said, walking toward the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead, he grabbed his bag and fished through it. Emerging with a tan wallet, he pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “For the drinks. And the water. They charge an arm and leg for that.” He placed the bill on the glossy dresser directly under the wall-mounted flat screen and ugly double light fixture. I stared at it. Now, it was me who felt like the prostitute.

  Rob

  I was clueless to what brought it on. One second, everything was fine and I was thinking of ways to get closer to Jenner so I could finally make a move. I mean, she was giving off every sign. It wasn’t like I didn’t know where the whole thing would end up. But minutes later, my temperature shot up. I tried to play it cool and failed – miserably. It wasn’t a panic attack like she thought. Sure, I let her think that might be it just to feel better about her own incident on the plane. This was just a lack of sleep. I was, frankly, exhausted.

  Between jet lag and not sleeping the entire night before at Rena’s and now, being up in the hotel with Jenner with six shots and two beers down, my body wasn’t having it. I knew better. My mother, before she got too ill to work, had been a nurse. And I was pretty medical myself. Now that I thought of it, I hadn’t really eaten since landing in Beantown. A few pieces of sushi and chips with Rena didn’t count.

  Smooth, asshole. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was with a chick on my own accord. She hadn’t called the main line and put in an order for some buff, inked up guy who was “sensitive” and “well mannered.” Yeah. Right. With Jenner, I could be my snarky self. In fact, she got off on it. The chemistry—so thick I could hardly keep my eyes off her like a lighthouse through storm fog—between us was just undeniable. And here I was, tearing my clothes off not to fuck her but so I didn’t puke.

  Funny thing was, the girl who was all about show and looking cool didn’t seem to care. More offended by the money I threw at her as I tried to leave the room, she told me I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Look. We don’t have to do anything. But you aren’t driving. You’re staying here. You could take a shower and get cooled down. But you’re really pale.”

  “I’m fine. I just haven’t slept.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That’s my fault.”

  “No. I didn’t have to come here. I could have done it after sleeping. The truth is, I wanted to see you.”

  “Well, that was wrong. You should have slept.”

  “Everything about this is wrong.”

  “True.”

  It didn’t matter that I was covered in a layer of sweat or that I didn’t have my A-game on. I knew what I needed to do. Turning back from the door, I took two steps forward to get in reach of her. Pulling her into my arms, I did what I’d been trained to do. Only, this time, I wanted to – for real.

  “Jenner. Come here.”

  Jenner

  Jenner. Come here.

>   There was no arguing. We could figure out the details later. Would I regret it? Probably. Did I care? Not so much. I closed my eyes and melted into his arms. I wasn’t sorry for what I was about to do. For once, I was going to live in the moment. The room began to spin. Jack, all that had happened and my life back in Los Angeles didn’t matter. Not now. Would they later? Yep. But in this moment, it was like time had no beginning or end. Alone in the hotel room with Rob, and it was no accident, I became someone else. Someone who lived for now. Besides, I thought, maybe it wasn’t an accident at all. Lydia said the best of the best know when to slow it down… For the first time since leaving the ground, I was not sorry I came to Boston at all. We still had tonight. I could worry about the details tomorrow.

  In this accidental, perfect moment

  Rob’s lips crash into mine. He forces his tongue into my mouth, completely dominating me and giving me no chance to object. He sets a frantic pace, like my mouth is his anchor to this world, to this place. All I can do is hang onto him while a fire begins to rage, threatening to burn me and this hotel.

  His hand snakes up my top, grabbing my breast and kneading it. I wrap my legs around his waist so the heat of my core is pressed against his hard length. I grind myself against him trying to relieve that pressure Jack never knew anything about. The one his tongue dragged out of me only in my dream the night before

  "Jenner, be in the moment, let go," Rob’s murmurs into my neck, pushing me up against my bedroom wall while sliding my top over my head and my bottoms down my legs.

  He trails kisses up and down my chest, kissing each breast and nipple, driving my body wild. I start babbling incoherently, begging for something I never thought I would ever want since my ex fiancé.

  Rob bites my ear and enters me, growling that I am everything he could ever want and more. My life out West slides back into the recesses of my mind, banished by Rob’s declaration and claiming of my body. We become one. Our bodies are tangled together. In a dance as old as time, our lips lock and tongues duel.

  Hands exploring.

  Our senses heighten as our climaxes race to meet each other and take us over the edge into the feeling of pure bliss where the lines between earth and heaven are blurred. Only this time, it’s not a dream. We are back in the same place we were in the plane – between heaven and earth; accidently hovering somewhere in the clouds.

  Two years later

  Rob

  Watching them together was still surreal. The way Jenner had done her hair and convinced her she looked beautiful was something I’d never be able to thank her for. I hadn’t asked her, of course. But that was who the girl—whom to this day I am sure grabbed the wrong bag on purpose—turned out to be. I flipped through the human resources manual, praying my background check would go through this week as Jenner led Renee to the dressing room, giggling. I wished Mom was here to see. It would have made her feel better to know that Renee had another women in her life and, that with me, she’d be safe. She knew that part. Her last wish had been that I take care of my sister pretty much for eternity. It wasn’t a wish I needed to grant. I didn’t need to make the promises, none of it. Everything I’d done had been for them.

  There’s a cool thing about destiny and what is meant to be. Never before would I have believed it. But when you hang out with a smart ass like Jenner long enough, you begin to change your mind on things. Her stupid cosmetics and insistence that she pay for everything was never about being ‘better.’ All of it boiled down to proving to herself she wasn’t what people thought she would be.

  I couldn’t argue with it. I’d fought the better part of my adulthood to get people to drop their impressions of me. They’d assumed I was some dumb jock with nothing better to do than bang chicks for cash. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. I smiled as a text message came in from the one woman I still talked to. It was Rena, who was asking for me and Jenner’s address. She wanted me to know we had a wedding to go to. I smiled, congratulating her and telling her it was about time.

  Shortly after moving to California at Renee’s—and eventually Jenner’s—insistence, Rena had called to inform me my cros-country flights would be coming to an end. She’d finally met a man. He was a widower too. It had been months since I’d heard from her. And many times I’d considered texting her. Not wanting to cause issues, I’d let it go. But now, hearing from her and watching Renee bounce in and out of the dressing rooms, things just felt right.

  Now, because she was just a friend and I wasn’t working on her dime, I could tell her my own news.

  “Can I bring a plus one?”

  “Did you and Jenner break up?”

  “No. One more.”

  “???”

  “A little guy. His name is Tanner.”

  “Tanner?”

  “Our son. A month old now. We call him Tanner Tom.”

  “Oh, Rob! You’re kidding?”

  “Yes! Yes! Of course he can come. I can’t wait to meet him!”

  Smiling, I clicked my phone shut. We’d promised Renee we’d stop for ice cream on the way home and I knew Jenner wanted to check the day care out. Her maternity leave was almost up. “You ladies ready?” I called to my sister and wife.

  Adjusting my arm to move Tanner to his stroller, I laughed at the pussy I’d become. With no time for the gym, I wasn’t exactly the beast I’d been when I met Jenner. No way in hell could I lift 1,000 pounds in three shots. My legs, tan from the California sun, were starting to look like Corey’s. I couldn’t go back to Beantown now if I wanted to. If the guys from Dukes saw me, they’d have a field day. Best part about it? I wasn’t sorry. The family life that had accidently come my way was just too right. Besides, the kid was wicked cute. Just like his Daddy.

  “Yep. One more. Then we’re done.”

  “Burgers?”

  “Ice cream,” I told Renee.

  “Why not both?” Jenner asked, smiling. Even now, she had to give me a hard time.

  “Fine. Both.” Some things would never change. And a guy like me knew better than to argue with two women; especially at the same time. Still, I couldn’t let the boss off the hook so easy.

  “Let’s go to Duke’s.”

  “Duke’s?”

  “Yeah. You know. That place up on 49th? Let’s go to Duke’s for dinner.”

  “I hate you,” Jenner said, laughing.

  “Mutual, babe. Mutual.”

  “Fine. But only if you pay.”

  “Sorry. Forgot my wallet.”

  With that, we all trotted to the check-out line where the ladies threw the bill at me and danced out of the door smiling; me pushing the baby. “Ya paying attention little guy? Pissa’. Wicked pissa’.”

  About the Author

  USA Today Bestselling Author Erin Lee is a dark fiction/reality author and feminist therapist chasing a crazy dream one crazy story at a time. She is the author of Crazy Like Me, a novel published in 2015 by Savant Books and Publications, LLC, Wave to Papa, 2015, by Limitless Publishing, LLC and Nine Lives (2016). She’s also author of When I’m Dead, Greener, Something Blue, Freak and 99 Bottles. She also penned Losing Faith, a novella with Black Rose Writing. She is co-author of Black Rose’s The Morning After. She is also author of the “Diary of a Serial Killer Series” and “Lola, Party of Eight Series” formerly with Zombie Cupcake Press and From Russia, With Love formerly with Jenner Tulip Press. She is a co-author of the Moving On series, including bestselling The Ranch and Moving On. Other horror and upcoming titles include Pawn Takes All and Scary Mary.

  Lee is the founder of Crazy Ink Publishing, a multi genre publisher specializing in multi-genre anthologies for all kinds of crazy. Through this venture, she hopes to give readers and authors alike a taste of other realities and worlds so that they can escape into the words.

  Lee holds a master’s degree in psychology and works with at-risk families and as a court appointed special advocate. When she isn’t busy dissecting the human experience, she enjoys escaping from reality t
hrough reading and spending time with her muses and canine companions and therapy dogs – Thomas the Terrier and Milo Muse.