“But I never—”
“Please let me finish, Elam.” She huffed. “You are choosing to marry her. It seems to me like you’re in total control of this situation. You’re not a helpless bystander. If you wanted this to go another way, then that’s what you would’ve chosen.”
“Megan…” He should quit while he was ahead, or rather, behind. Really, there was nothing he could say to change the situation with Megan. He just felt terrible that she had to be the one to lose. He felt terrible that he was causing her this pain. He felt terrible that he was indeed choosing another woman over her, whether he felt justified or not. “I’m sorry.”
Tears now poured down Megan's cheeks. “I don't understand why you would do this to me, Elam. Do you make it a habit of breaking hearts? Do you think that love is just some game?”
“No,” he whispered. Seeing Megan’s heartbreak now tore at his heart. He wished he could hold her one last time, and kiss away her tears. He wished he could somehow make things better. If he could have foreseen these events, he would have never begun a relationship with her in the first place. He would have spared her all this pain. But he couldn’t, and he’d just have to trust that God had something better planned for both of them.
The way she’d spoken made him feel wicked, but what could he do? Julianna’s very life was at stake. His thoughts catapulted back to the statistic he’d read online about there being twice as many deaths in psychiatric institutions in the past four decades than combined war deaths since 1776. Several millions. He couldn’t let Julie be one of them. If he didn’t rescue Julie, he was certain she’d die all alone in that retched place. And that was something he’d never forgive himself for.
He longed to tell Megan the whole truth. But somehow, he didn’t think that telling her he was leaving her for someone in a mental institution would help the situation. It would only make her feel worse. So he kept silent. “I am truly sorry, Megan.”
“Sorrow without repentance is meaningless. Goodbye, Elam.” Megan shook her head, anguish written on her face, she then spun around and walked down the hall toward her bedroom.
Elam knew a part of his heart would remain with her. But like other painful chapters in his life, this one was now closed. Hopefully, the next chapter would bring better things—happier things. And, God willing, the last chapter would be the best one of all.
He had no doubt that Megan had a good cry after he left her house for the last time. And if he were honest, he’d admit that he did too.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
He hated this place.
Every time he was here, his heart ached with sadness. His only desire right now was to rescue Julianna. To protect her. To be what he should have been in the first place. Instead of facing things like a man, he’d run away to the Englisch world. It was true that good came as a result, but the truth remained. He’d failed Julianna. He wouldn’t let that happen again.
“I’d like to take her for a walk outside in the garden. Is that okay?” He looked to the attendant.
“Yes, you may. She will be released soon anyway.”
“Thank you.” Elam placed the gift he’d brought into the bottom portion of Julianna’s wheelchair. He wheeled her to the elevator and the three of them rode down to the main floor.
“It’s this way.” The attendant gestured to a side door.
They exited the building and the attendant took a seat on one of the garden benches, allowing them privacy. Elam was unsure why the attendant had escorted them out, because if they were worried about visitors escaping with the patients, then what was the purpose of the fence that lined the outskirts of the garden? Perhaps they stayed close in case the patients needed them. Elam didn’t know.
“Are you enjoying the sunshine, Julie? It feels good, doesn’t it?” He moved the footrests out of the way and took her hands. “Would you like to walk with me?”
At her nod, he helped her up. He placed his arm around her waist and noticed she was very weak. “Can you walk? We can sit on this bench up ahead if it’s too much for you.”
They walked the short way to the bench. Elam swallowed the lump in his throat. It was going to take a lot of time and effort to rehabilitate Julianna, but he was up to the task.
“Just a minute. I need to get something.” Elam hurried to where he’d left the wheelchair and grabbed the gift he’d brought.
He placed it in her lap. “I brought you something. Will you open it?”
Her face brightened. “Jah.”
He watched as she slowly unwrapped the gift. He’d wanted to help her, but allowed her to take her time. When the wrapping paper had been removed, he helped her open the cardboard box. He carefully lifted out the wooden cuckoo clock.
“Do you like it?”
Her eyes lit up and the delight on her face was the best show of positive emotion he’d seen from Julianna since he’d visited her in the institution. She stroked the clock with her hand and Elam read the question in her eyes.
“Yes, it is what you’re thinking.” He smiled and took her hand in his. “Julie, will you marry me?”
Tears sprung to her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks. She smiled. “Yes, Elam.”
She’d said his name! And she’d said yes! Elam took the clock from her lap and laid it to the side. He gathered her in his arms and gently kissed her lips. “I love you, Julie.”
~
Julianna closed her eyes as the vehicle she traveled in moved toward her Amish community. She couldn’t believe she was finally going home. Truly, she never thought she’d leave that place.
She had Elam to thank for all of this. Her heart swelled with gratitude for him. Her father had explained the entire situation to her. How Elam discovered that she was in the institution and went to the leaders to request her release. How he agreed to leave his Englischer lifestyle behind, make a kneeling confession, and rejoin the Amish—all in order to marry her! What love he must have in his heart to give up so much, for the little she had to offer.
She couldn’t help the tears from pouring over onto her cheeks. Surely, they’d stain her apron but no matter. Elam loved her!
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
If anyone had ever claimed that making a kneeling confession was an easy thing to do, they’d been lying. Elam’s palms had been sweating, it seemed, since waking up this morning. It had been difficult to think of little else.
His folks had expressed how pleased they were with his return, and that had brought some measure of comfort. Humbling yourself and admitting your wrongdoing in front of a congregation of friends and loved ones was no simple task, especially when you didn’t truly believe you’d done anything wrong. But it had been necessary to move forward, so he had accepted this challenge and kept his focus on the goal—marrying Julianna.
Now that the meeting was over, he could breathe a little easier. Julianna’s father had said he could begin courting her after he made a kneeling confession. It was over now and he planned to initiate that courtship tonight.
He wanted to meet with Julianna’s folks and discuss a treatment plan for her. Would they be willing to work with him and go along with his desires concerning her health? He didn’t know, but he would do his best to persuade them.
He’d already spoken with Zach on the matter and he’d offered some helpful suggestions. Elam planned to discuss that this evening.
Since they weren’t married yet, Elam would need Julianna’s father’s permission to take her to see a health care practitioner. The sooner they began treatment, the better.
Elam sat at the kitchen table across from Obadiah Yoder, and glanced at Julianna who sat with her mother and siblings in the main gathering room. He’d wanted to discuss some of his hopes for Julianna’s health without bringing distress to Julie, and felt the best way was to speak with her father alone. “Do you have a list of Julianna’s medications?”
Her father nodded and went to a roll top desk that sat in the living room. He pulled open a drawer and brought out a sma
ll stack of papers. He handed them to Elam.
“Have you read over these?” Elam thumbed through them, examining the names of each one.
“Nee. Not so much. But the doctor said it was very important that she keep taking them.” Obadiah sighed.
“Yes.” Elam’s eyes continued to scan the documents. “Did they inform you of the side effects?”
He shook his head.
“Says here that this drug could cause heart attack, stroke, thoughts of suicide…” Elam stopped reading. He lowered his tone. “These are really bad side effects. Why would they even have her on these?”
Obadiah shrugged. “Don’t know.”
“How has she been since she’s been home? Has anything happened that has caused you to worry?” Because Elam was definitely starting to worry.
“She’s just been quiet for the most part. Doesn’t do much and we don’t want to push her to do too much. She gets exhausted easily.”
“I’d like to take her to a natural health doctor this week, if it’s okay with you. You or your wife are welcome to come along. I’ll pay for the driver and the appointment.”
“That will be fine by me.”
Elam wondered if perhaps physical therapy could benefit Julianna as well. That would be something to discuss with the doctor.
He glanced toward the living room. “Do you think she’d be up for a walk or a buggy ride?”
“You may ask her if you’d like. But don’t keep her out too long. I don’t know if she could handle it.”
“I won’t let anything happen to her.” He stood, but Obadiah stopped him from leaving the table.
“Elam, I want to thank you for what you’re doing for my dochder. I apologize for keeping her from you in the past. I didn’t think that you two would make a good match, but I see now that I was wrong. You are good for her.”
Elam had never been one for harboring bitterness, but Obadiah Yoder’s confession somehow brought vindication. “Thank you for saying that. I’ve only ever had Julianna’s best interests in mind. Although I can’t say I’ve always handled everything wisely.”
“Who does?” Obadiah chuckled. “Shall we join the others?”
“Jah.” He held up the papers. “Do you mind if I take these home tonight and read them over?”
“No, do as you’d like.”
“Denki.” He tucked them under his arm.
~
Julianna declined Elam’s offer to go for a walk but agreed to a buggy ride. She’d been dying to get away from the house—from the watchful eye of Mamm and Daed. Since she’d been back, they’d treated her like one of the kinner.
“Are you glad to be back home?” Elam’s magnetic blue eyes had always drawn her in. She’d imagined that gazing into their depths was like looking into the sea.
She watched Elam as he quietly guided the buggy along the country road and drank in the sight of the man who had rescued her. Her knight in shining armor. He was just as handsome as she remembered. No, even more so.
When they’d courted, she’d thought he was well built. He’d always been a hard worker and his frame evidenced that fact. But she could see that the areas that had been lacking as a youth were nicely filled in now. He was strong and solid. She’d felt that when his arms embraced her for the first time in the hospital.
She was still having a hard time believing that he’d asked to marry her. Why would he leave his Englisch lifestyle to take her as a wife? What did she have to offer?
Nothing. You have nothing to offer. He doesn’t really love you. Look at yourself. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re lazy. You will not make a good wife for him. You have nothing to offer.
“I have nothing to offer,” she said.
Elam glanced at her and frowned. He reached over and lightly caressed her cheek. A slight smile lifted at the edge of his mouth. “I disagree.”
Tell him to stop. Stop touching you.
“But I like it,” she said.
“You like what?”
“You touching me.”
His brow lifted. “Oh?”
She nodded liberally.
“What else do you like?”
Don’t listen to him. Don’t tell him.
She put her hands over her ears. “Be quiet. I want to listen.”
“Julie, do you have voices inside your head?”
Voices.
She nodded.
“What are the voices telling you?”
She shrugged.
Elam smiled and scooted closer to her. He put one arm around her while the other one held the reins.
She liked that. She liked being close to Elam. She felt safe with him, protected.
“It’s a nice evening, don’t you think?” His gentle, yet masculine, voice set her at ease and relaxed her somehow.
She just wanted to snuggle in his arms—to stay there forever. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I will stay as long as I can tonight. But we can’t live together yet. That will have to wait until we’re married. We must abide by the Ordnung.” He rubbed her shoulder. “I’ll need to live at my folks’ home until then. There are many things that will have to be done before we can marry. I’ll be looking for a place for us to live in after we’re married. Would you like to come along when I do that?”
“I don’t like the Ordnung.”
He chuckled. “I admit that there are parts of the Ordnung I don’t like either. But they are the ways of our people and we must do our best to follow them.” He looked at her. “So, was that a yes? Do you want to come along when I look at houses?”
“Jah.”
“We’re going to see a doctor this week. They are going to help you get better.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want medicine. I don’t like it.”
“Well, this is a different kind of doctor that gives different kinds of medicines—natural ones. I plan to talk to them about the medicines that you’re taking now. They are going to help you get better.”
“Will they stop the voices?”
“I hope so.”
“Me, too.” She leaned over and put her head on Elam’s chest. She heard his steady heartbeat through his shirt. It was a heartbeat she wished she could hear every day. This was her happy place, her favorite place. Next to Elam.
~
Elam looked at the clock on the wall. Two-thirty. Julie lay nestled in his arms on the couch in her folks’ living room. But he didn’t want to leave her. She clearly needed him.
He should probably get home, though. Morning milking would be in less than two hours and he’d still have to drive his rig home. He’d be lucky if he got any sleep at all.
He eased himself from the sofa, doing his best not to awaken her.
“Elam?”
“I need to go, Schatzi. And you should go get in your bed.”
“Okay.”
Elam released a relieved breath. He’d thought for sure she’d put up a protest. He helped her from the couch and put his arm around her. “I’ll walk you to your room.”
She nodded.
“You’ll have to tell me where it is.” He smiled.
She pointed up.
“Upstairs? Okay.” He released her from his embrace and gestured to the railing so she’d have something stable to hold onto. “I’ll follow you.”
She opened the door to her bedroom and he briefly wondered whether it was wise to enter. He decided against it.
She turned and he reached for her hand and pulled her close to him. He cupped the back of her head and brought his lips to hers. Her response delighted and surprised him.
“Goodnight, Julie.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
After Elam dropped Julianna off for the evening, he thought of the night they’d ‘officially’ broken up. It was a place he hadn’t visited often, because it had been too painful. But now that the world was right-side up again, he gave himself permission to think about the past.
It had been just like any other Sunday night, and he
’d approached her after the singing. There she stood just as beautiful as ever.
“Are you ready to go, Julie?”
She frowned. “No, Elam. I…” She’d stopped mid-sentence and he followed her gaze. He turned to see what she’d been looking at.
Cletus Stolzfoos approached. “The rig’s all hitched up, Julianna. Let’s go?”
Julianna’s eyes momentarily flitted to Elam’s, then she nodded to Cletus. “Jah, I’m ready.”
Elam’s heart sank down into his stomach, it felt, as he watched Julianna pass him by and walk straight out of the house with Cletus. She didn’t look back. Not even once.
He’d been too stunned to say anything, to do anything. There had been no explanation, no anything.
After she’d left with Cletus again at the next singing, Elam never returned. It hurt too much.
That was when he’d decided to leave the community, but not without first giving Julianna a piece of his mind. He’d headed out to the Yoder residence and found Julianna inside preparing supper. Fortunately, he hadn’t seen her father around anywhere.
“Can you have someone else look after that? We need to talk.” Elam did his best to keep his cool, as he stood near the back door. He didn’t bother to remove his hat.
Julianna sighed, as though he’d ruined her day by showing up. “Uh, jah.” She left the cook stove and beckoned one of her sisters, then met Elam outside.
“Do you want to walk?” He did his best to keep his wits about him. Not an easy task when he was close enough to take her in his arms and kiss her breathless.
She shrugged. “We can walk along the fence.”
He stepped beside her. “I’m leaving.”
She nodded but said nothing, just kept her gaze straight.
Fire burned in his veins and clenched his heart. “You don’t even care, do you? Fine. You want to know something? I never cared for you either. At one time, I thought that maybe we had something special. But I was wrong. That’s obvious.
“How can you just hook up with Cletus like that? Oh, jah, that’s right. I forgot. He’s rich. Well, fine. I can find me a girl who ain’t a money grubber. One who’s kind and smart and pretty. One day, I’ll find a girl worthy of my love.
A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6) Page 12
