by Anne Mercier
"Yeah, it's me. Oh God, what am I going to do without her?" she cries softly. "She's been my best friend since we were in diapers."
"I know, darlin'. I'm sorry," I tell her honestly, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.
"How's the baby?" she asks, and I'm assuming she means Kadence, though she's not really a baby anymore.
"Exhausted. She's had questions," I answer, my voice cracking. "I told her what Sydney asked me to. Christ," I mutter. "This is just unbelievable."
"How are you doing with all of this? I'm sure it's quite a shock."
I chuckle mirthlessly. "That and a whole lot more. She should have told me, Karen. I'd have died for that woman."
"That's part of why she didn't. She wanted you to have the life you'd always dreamed of, Jace. She didn't think you could do that with a baby," Karen informs me.
"Fuck that," I whisper harshly. "She was my dream. I have loved her every day since I met her and I still love her. I've missed six years with my little girl. Six years. That's not fair. She shouldn't have made that decision for me."
"Jace," she whispers soothingly, "she only wanted you to experience your dream of being a rocker."
"I didn't do that until the last year!" I whisper shout. "All this time they've been out there—Sydney struggling." Karen moves, sitting up, then begins to open her mouth but I cut her off. "Don't even try to tell me they didn't struggle. I know better. Her dad hasn't been a dad since her mom died. Even I know that much whether I was there or not. He was always a son of a bitch and Diane kept him in check. I just know he turned into a cold-hearted bastard when she died."
Karen looks down at her hands.
"Am I right?" I bite out.
She nods. "He was a nightmare. Diane died before Kay Kay was born and when Sydney's dad started taking his anger out on her, Sydney left before he could hurt her or the baby in her belly."
I run a hand through my hair. "Fuck. I would have been there. I should have been there. Where did they go? How did they survive?"
Karen smiles softly, remembering. "We moved in together, sharing a two-bedroom apartment. We've taken care of each other ever since."
"You should have contacted me the minute she got sick, Karen," I tell her. "I'm not blaming you, but I could have helped—somehow. Made things easier for her. I could have spent the last bit of time she had making her happy," I croak out.
"We tried, Jace. From the day she found the lump until… now."
"How long?" I ask, afraid of the answer.
"Eight months. The lump was small but it'd already spread to her lungs—just like her mom."
"Fuck! This whole time she's been suffering and I was out there living it up," I scold—myself.
"Stop that right now. You came as soon as you found out. Don't do the if/then thing. It'll drive you crazy," Karen instructs.
"You both called my parents?"
Karen's jaw ticks and her face flushes red. "Oh, yeah. We called your parents. Assholes. They wouldn't answer Syd's calls once they knew her number and the minute I called and mentioned her name, they'd hang up. I called at least fifty times and every time they hung up."
Rage unlike anything I've ever known flows through me—tangle that with the shame at my parents' behavior and, well, I'm bristling and twitchy. I swallow it down—for Kadence.
"Motherfuckers," I bite out softly. "They just lost any chance of ever seeing their grandchild—or me—ever again."
"You're not going to talk to them about this?" she asks.
"Yeah, I'm gonna talk to them and tell them to go fuck themselves. Then I'm going to tell them they're dead to me. They knew—know how much Syd meant to me. She was my fucking life," I bite out.
Karen nods. "I know, Jace. You were hers too."
I look up, surprised. "What do you mean? She bailed, remember?"
She just nods again, her eyes soft. "You were it for her. Just you."
"You mean…" I swallow hard.
"There wasn't anyone else. Just you," she tells me.
Disbelief, sorrow, grief, anger—they fill me. I'm feeling too much of everything, it's numbing me. When I get a chance to sort through it all, it's gonna break me. This revelation is going to destroy me.
I close my eyes and bury my nose in Kadence's hair. It smells like apples—just like her mom's did back in the day.
"I'm going to need your help getting everything of Kadence's together. I need to know if she has allergies. If she hates certain foods. What foods she loves. There's so much…" I trail off.
"Sydney left you Kadi's medical records and all the information you need to know about your girl."
"She thought of everything," I whisper.
"She started planning from the day she found out, just updating things as she went along," Karen tells me sadly.
"She didn't want me to bury her here or leave a marker," I tell Karen, knowing she'd want to visit her grave from time to time.
"I know. She told me. We worked out that she gave me this necklace." Karen lifts a silver chain with an intricate ruby pendant from beneath her top.
"That's beautiful."
She nods. "It is, but it's not her, you know? I don't know how to be without my best friend, Jace."
A sob breaks her down again. I hold her to my shoulder, comforting her as best as I can.
"Do you have someone…?" I need to know if she's got someone there for her.
She nods. "I have a boyfriend and a few other friends that Sydney and I hung out with."
I nod in return. "That's good."
I know she's got someone there for her. That makes me feel better, but I'm gonna drop some money into her account to make sure she's taken care of. She's Sydney's best friend and she took care of her and Kadi—that's the nickname she used. I like it. She took care of them while Syd was sick. That couldn't have been easy.
"What do you do—for work, I mean?" I ask.
"I'm a hair stylist."
I nod. Maybe I can talk to Spencer and he can put in a word for her somewhere—get her a job where she can live comfortably. There're plenty of jobs for that in Chicago with the ballet and theater and all that shit. Yeah. I make a mental note.
"I'm going to go before she wakes," Karen tells me. "She won't understand. I've already said my goodbyes."
"Karen. Come visit as often as you want—on me. You and your dude. We've got more space in that house than we know what to do with," I tell her.
"That you do," Sera says as she walks up to us, Cage at her side, his hand on her back.
"You made good time," I tell them.
"We had a tailwind," Cage informs me.
"He's Batman," Sera says simply.
I nod. I wouldn't doubt it for a minute.
"Hi," Sera says, holding a hand out to Karen. "I'm Sera and this is my husband, Cage."
Karen's eyes are as wide as saucers. Yeah, they've both got the beauty gene and standing side-by-side it can be a little overpowering.
"Karen," she mutters.
"This is Karen. Sydney's best friend—what am I saying? You two should remember each other." I look at Sera.
"I didn't know if she remembered me."
Karen nods and smiles. "I remember you, Sera. You punched Nick Donaldson in the nose when he flipped your and Lucy's skirts on the playground at recess and yelled, 'dress up day'."
I chuckle at the memory and Cage grins.
Sera nods, her eyes narrowing. "That little butt crack had it coming. Flipping our skirts like that. Pervert. And how was I to know I'd break his nose like that? He must have had pretty flimsy cartilage. That's all I'm saying."
Karen snickers. "Thank you."
"For what?" Sera asks, confused.
"For making me laugh. I needed that. Sydney would have wanted me to laugh instead of cry. 'Don't mourn my death but rather celebrate my life' is what she'd always tell me," Karen murmurs.
"That sounds like her," I reply.
"I need to get going," Karen says again.
"It was so good seeing you again, Sera. Nice meeting you, Cage."
Sera hugs her and Karen lets out a sigh that sounds like agony—her whole body relaxing into Sera's embrace. Even if it's a little bit, Sera got her to release some of the pain that's consuming her.
After Karen leaves, Sera fills out the forms for me. The forms I forgot about.
"She's beautiful, Jace," Cage tells me, running his big hand down Kadi's hair gently so as not to wake her.
"She looks like her mama," I state simply.
He nods.
"Better than your ugly mug," Sera jokes and I grin, knowing she's trying to bring some light to the darkness.
"True facts right there. She does have my nose and ears though."
Sera looks me over. "You've got a pretty good nose."
"Thanks," I reply dryly.
She shrugs and holds the clipboard out. "All done."
"Let me take these to the desk for you," Cage says, then walks away.
"She really is a beautiful girl, Jace. I'm so, so sorry, honey," she murmurs, pulling me and Kadi into her embrace and I let her. The familiarity of Sera's scent relaxes me a bit even though I want to howl and rage at the injustice of it all.
"I would have stayed with her. I would have loved her like nothing she'd ever seen," I whisper into Sera's neck.
She nods. "I know, honey. I know. You got to give her that. You got to love her and give her your name, even if for a very short time."
"I'll love her till the day I die and she'll have my name forever," I correct, knowing she'd been coming from Sydney's perspective, but mine's happier. I like thinking of it this way better.
"That she will, and so will your little girl," Cage says from behind me.
How does he do that? He's all stealth ninja and shit.
"Do they need anything else from me?" I ask Cage, sitting back.
"No. If they do, they can call. I left my number and Marta's been in contact with them already with regard to the arrangements Sydney had in place," Cage informs me.
I nod.
"She was prepared," he says, his gaze locked on mine.
"She was. She mapped it all out for me—like a What To Do After The Love of Your Life and Mother of Your Child Dies for Dummies book," I answer flatly. I'm so grateful to her for doing all those things for me, but fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! She should be alive.
"Thank God she still knows you so well after all these years," Sera teases.
"The 'Dummies' thing?" I ask.
She pats my cheek gently. "See? You're not just a pretty face."
I try to smile but it comes out like some crooked horror show face.
Cage just chuckles. "Let's go. I checked us in at the Hilton.”
Of course he did. He's fucking Batman.
4
Sydney
I breathe a sigh of relief. No more pain.
I'm dead.
It's hard to accept even though I knew it was coming. Not because I didn't want to die, but because I knew I would and my baby girl will still be there. She'll be lost and scared for a while, but I know Jace will take good care of her.
Where am I? It's dark all around me yet I can see where I'm going. I know I had premarital sex with Jace and I lied, but I loved him. I'm sorry, God. Am I on my way to Hell? I don't see a bright light like people say you should. Crap.
"I'm really a good person, God. I promise," I whisper, fear flooding me at the thought of spending eternity in the fiery depths of evil.
Flowers. I smell flowers.
"You're not going to Hell, Sydney," a lady in a long flowing lavender gown tells me.
I blink, then blink again. This woman looks exactly like, "Serafina?"
The woman smiles softly and shakes her head. It's then I can see the difference. Sera's not as soft.
"No, I'm Lily. I'm actually Serafina's mother," she says.
I freeze. "No way."
"Way," a man says as he walks up to stand next to Lily. "I'm Tommy, Serafina's father."
I have no words. This is surreal.
"I think I need to sit down," I mutter as the air around me gets thicker.
"By all means," Sera's dad says, and with a wave of his hand, there's a chair behind me.
I grope for it, reaching behind me, unable to look away from the beautiful couple before me. How is this possible? How do they know me?
Lily's head tilts and, again, she smiles softly. "It's possible because we look after our daughter and her family and friends. She's there, right now, with your daughter and husband."
I try to swallow but my throat is dry as dust.
"And because Serafina loves Jace, she already loves your daughter, making you part of the family as well," Sera's dad tells me.
Tears threaten. My own father doesn't treat me this well. "Just like that?" I whisper.
They both nod.
"Just like that," Lily answers, walking toward me. "We came to help you transition and to accept that there is no going back."
A tear slides down my cheek. "I know. I prepared myself for this, but looking down and seeing my baby with Jace, knowing she's going to be so lost and confused for a while, I realize I didn't prepare enough."
"That would be impossible, dear," Tommy tells me.
I nod as more tears flow down my cheeks. "Will she be okay?" I ask, wondering if they already know the answer.
Lily nods and runs her hand over my hair—I have hair! I reach up and tug. It's not a wig! My hair is long and brown, as it had been just before I became ill.
"I have hair!" I exclaim with a laugh. Then I reach up to my face and feel eyebrows and lashes. I laugh even more.
"You do," Lily replies. "You're healthy here. You appear as you see yourself in your mind's eye."
I look down and see I'm not all skin and bones. My skin isn't pale and dry.
I look up at them. "I thought there'd be a bright light in heaven. That maybe we'd get to walk on the clouds."
"There is a light. You're just too far away to see. We're here to guide you. And while you can walk on the clouds if you wish, I'd advise against it. Clouds are made up of moisture and it's pretty chilly up that high," Lily informs me.
Tommy chuckles. "She'd know. She's tried it."
I smile along with Lily.
"To answer your question, Kadence will be fine. She will, however, have to learn to live without you there, which won't be easy," Lily tells me.
I nod and worry my hands, twisting them.
"But she has Jace now and he'll help her get through this. I promise," she says and I know she means it.
"You did a good thing letting your daughter know who her father is. It in no way makes up for—"
"Tommy," Lily scolds. "That isn't for you to say. She had her reasons and we know better than anyone not to judge."
He nods. "I apologize. I just know Jace and he'll make an excellent father. You would have been his wife had you chosen that path. I do understand why you chose the one you did. It was selfless yet selfish. It was one Serafina would have taken had she been in your shoes."
His scolding makes me feel like shit… but that last part helps a little.
"I shouldn't have done it, but I did what I thought was right," I defend.
"We know, sweetheart," Lily soothes. "We know your reasons and we respect them. Now, we need to lead you forward so you can take the next step toward peace."
"Wi-will I be able to see them from where we're going?" I ask. If not, I don't want to go just yet. I need to know what happens to my baby. I need to be here if she needs me. Somehow I will find a way to help her.
A knowing smile touches Lily's lips. "Yes. You'll be able to see them wherever you are. We'll teach you how."
I nod and stand up slowly. "I'm afraid."
"You have nothing to fear any longer," Tommy advises. "You will no longer be ill. Your daughter will love you and remember you."
"How can you know that?" I ask him through heartbreak and tears.
His gaze meets mi
ne. "I know this because Jace will treat her the same way you did. He will never let her forget you just as you taught her to love her father even when she didn't really know him."
I feel like I'm splintering into a million pieces. My baby girl.
"Come, we must go," Lily orders.
"But…" I want just a few more minutes to see what happens.
"There will be plenty of time for that later. Now we need to get you settled," she says firmly, leaving me no wiggle room.
"Okay," I whisper, turning away from the scene below—the one of my husband holding our daughter as she sleeps. She trusts him. She knows him. She loves him. I'm so happy I didn't listen to my father when he told me Jace wouldn't want any part of Kay Kay. The old bastard never loved me. He only loved my mother—never me.
Some day Karma will pay him back for every nasty thing he's ever done. I want a ringside seat to that event.
The darkness turns to a dim light and the further we walk, it gets brighter. The blank space around me turns to beautiful green grassy hillsides and flowers, blue skies and sunshine.
I close my eyes and soak up the sun. For the first time in I can't remember how long, I feel no pain.
I only feel peace.
5
Jace
"Do you smell that?" Sera asks, a smile playing on her lips.
I sniff. "What is that?"
“Flowers,” Cage answers.
“Flowers?” I ask.
Sera's still smiling. "Yes. That's my mom."
I scratch my head. "Huh?"
She laughs. "She's here, watching over us. She'll likely be watching over Kadence with Sydney."
I don't even pretend to know what she's talking about. "I'm so confused."
"My mom is always here. Always. And I know without a doubt she's up there helping Sydney handle whatever it is she needs to handle. When she's finished with that, they'll be hanging around to make sure your little girl is okay and that you're not having problems," Sera informs me.
I look at Cage and he just nods.
"Serious?"
Sera nods.
"She's done this with you?"
Sera nods again.
