by Anne Mercier
I blink.
Sera laughs. "Superman or Henry Cavill is delicious. I wonder if we'll get to meet him some day." She looks at Cage. "You think if I asked Irene, she could get him to attend Lucy's premiere of Always Yours?"
Cage lifts a brow. "That bad, huh?"
Sera bites her lip and grins.
Cage's lip twitches. "I'll see what I can do. No need to trouble Irene."
"You just got bonus points, husband. Later I'll..." She trails off when she remembers Kadi's there.
"I'll hold you to that," he tells her.
"Wow," Kadi whispers in awe.
Yeah, that's how I feel every time I look at CFD. I'll never get used to the large mansion or the beauty of the landscape surrounding it.
"Will I get lost in there?" she asks, eyes wide.
Sera and Cage watch amused from the other seat in the limo.
"Nah. Even if you lose your way, there's always someone around to point you in the right direction."
She nods but continues to stare out the window. When we get close to the front door, she sucks in a breath.
"What's wrong, pumpkin?"
She turns to me. "That's a lot of people."
I smile gently at her, seeing her apprehension. "They're our family."
Her eyes widen. "That's a lot of family."
We pull to a stop and I unbuckle her from her car seat to pull her on my lap. "Sometimes, pumpkin, family isn't blood. Sometimes friends become family—a better family than anything you've ever known."
"No one's better family than my mommy."
I hug her gently. "No. No one is better than her. She's the best."
Kadi nods.
I wonder how long it's going to take before she realizes her mom isn't coming back. How long will it take for my baby girl's heart to break? The thought turns my stomach.
"You ready to say 'hello' to our family?"
"Can I hold Rainbow?"
"Sure can. Want me to carry you?" I ask, offering another layer of comfort.
She smiles big and nods.
"Here we go."
I open the door then reach for my baby girl and her unicorn. When the stuffed animal rubs against my face I realize why Rainbow is what Kadi clings to most. It smells like her mama. I wish I could bottle that scent so she'll never have to go a day without it.
She hugs Rainbow tight to her chest and mine, her other tiny arm wraps around my neck. My heart beats fast in my chest—it aches with love for my daughter. I just hope I'll be enough.
That night, after I put Kadence to bed in her new pink room with ruffles, rainbows, and unicorns (Lucy is a miracle worker), I take the time to finally let it all sink in—Sydney, the cancer, her dying, my fucking parents. My hate for my parents is so profound that if I don't keep it on lockdown, it could control me. I refuse to let them get the best of me. They aren't worth it.
I take a drink from my glass of whiskey, then another, before refilling it. How did my life go from carefree rockstar and bachelor to single dad? Christ. I run a hand through my hair and tip my head back on the chair, looking at the ceiling. My gaze is snagged by the nightlight shining in Kadi's room. It hasn't hit her yet that her mother's really gone. When it does, it's going to devastate her.
Fuck.
I take another drink. Sydney. God, how I loved her. It wasn't just some teenage crush like everyone assumed. It was that deep-down-in-your-soul love that left you breathless and deliriously happy. She'd been it for me. The one. Then it all got fucked up—and me along with it.
I was lost without Sydney. She left and I was here with all the memories of us surrounding me. I did what any teenage guy with a broken heart and bruised ego would do—I drank. I partied. I broke the law. I destroyed things. It made me feel better at the time, but after sobering up? Not so much. I didn't know any other way to be. Sydney had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. Sure, I had Lucy and Sera, but that's just not the same.
My heart hurts. Tears sting the back of my eyes and I just let them fall. I might not be as hung up on Sydney as I once had been, but I still love her. That love changed in our time apart, but I'll always love her. Always.
"Jace?" Lucy asks quietly from a dark corner of the room near the door. The only light in the room is that of Kadi's nightlight and a table lamp across the suite.
"Yeah, Luce." I set the glass down on the table next to me.
She walks over to me, perches herself on my lap, wraps her arms around me, and holds me tight. We cry together. When she quiets, she holds me while I continue to cry out the anguish of losing the only girl I ever loved. I cry over the fact I missed the first six years of my daughter's life. I cry in rage at everything my parents cheated me out of. There are too many feelings. I need to purge them and get past this so I can be there for Kadi when she needs me to be whole again.
I lean back and Lucy rests her head on my shoulder, running a hand over my hair, soothing me. I wrap my arms around her again and hold her tight.
"Thanks," I croak out, my throat dry and raw.
She nods. "Will you be okay?"
"Yeah. If…" I break off then clear my throat. "If I'd had more time with her, we'd have gotten back to where we were. If that had happened, I don't think I'd have survived losing her. I lost her from that place once before and I barely made it out alive. I've still got the scars from that battle," I admit.
"I know, Jace. What can I do?" she asks.
"You're doing it."
She smiles softly. "We love you, Jacie."
"I love you, too. We need to make sure Kadence is surrounded by that love, Luce, because when it really hits her that her mom isn't coming back, she's going to need that love to hold on to."
"She'll have that. We all already adore her. How can we not? With that angelic face, your hair and eyes. She is such a perfect mix of you and Syd."
"She is. Best thing that ever happened to me. I wish I'd been there for all of it. The pregnancy. The late night feedings. The first tooth, first step. Birthdays." I let out a sigh.
"You understand why she did what she did, right?" Lucy asks.
"Yeah, yeah, I understand. It doesn't help that my parents paid her off to stay away from me."
Lucy gasps. "What?"
"Yeah. I just found that little bit of information out as I was going through the papers Sydney left for me. And I am so fucking pissed at that and the fact that they fucking lied to me. And Sydney. Taking the money. I get she needed it, but god damn it!" I run a hand through my hair. "They knew about Kadence for three years. Three fucking years. I could have been in her life all that time," I growl, my hands clenching into fists.
"Did they at least pay her well?" Lucy asks, anger lacing her tone.
"Two hundred-fifty thousand," I bite out.
"No shit. Wow. Fucking pricks."
"Yeah. But that didn't last long with Syd being sick, you know? I don't know how she survived, Luce. They had so much, yet so little money. I would have taken care of them and made things easier for Syd while she was fighting her battle," I confess sadly.
"Life's about choices. Some we make are good, some are bad, and some are out of desperation and fear. Your parents went at a twenty-year-old woman who was on her own whose mother died, and the only person she had left was her a piece of shit drunk of a father. She felt she didn't have a choice but to accept what they were offering," Lucy soothes.
"I know."
"I probably would have done the same thing, Jace. I can't imagine the fear she felt. The helplessness. The heartache. God. She loved you with everything she was," Lucy sniffles.
We sit in silence a few minutes, trying to process all that's being said, and trying to accept it. The acceptance will take a long motherfucking time.
I clear my throat.
"She was ready to go when I got there, Luce."
Lucy looks up at me sadly.
"I could see how much she suffered just by looking at her. She was so weak, so frail. She held on for me. She waited
for me to get there. My fucking parents…" I rage. "They stole months I could have had with her, Lucy. Months! How do I get over that? How do I get past knowing I could have been there for her, helped her, comforted her, and made things easier if my parents hadn't been such uncaring motherfuckers?"
"She knew, Jace. She knew." I just look at her. "You gave her the best ending a girl could ever want—she married her one true love. You gave her the fairytale ending."
I nod, a tear slipping from my eye.
"I would have given her the whole fucking fairytale if I'd had the chance."
She rests her hand on my cheek.
"I know, Jacie. It'll take you time to accept that you can't change what happened, but you will. I know you. You're one of the strongest people I know."
Jesse walks in—more like stalks in, eyes narrowed in on Lucy on my lap and if I wasn't so wrecked right now, I'd laugh. Her eyes go wide, then a knowing smirk forms. I just ignore Jesse as he plucks her off my lap like a little doll. Her legs immediately wrap around his waist, her arms around his neck. His nose goes to her neck and I see him take in a deep breath, letting it out with a shuddering sigh, his arms tightening around her.
Maybe one day I'll find that again.
"Thanks, Luce. How did you know?"
She shrugs as she runs her fingers through Jesse's hair, soothing him much the same way she did me, but for a completely different reason. "Like I said. I know you. When you're ready, we'd like to have a family meeting to talk about what you'd like from us. We don't want to step on your toes, Jace, but we're your family and we'd like to be a part of your daughter's life, loving her and being here for her in any way you'll let us."
I swallow and nod. Best family ever.
After they leave the suite, I sit back and remember the girl I once loved with every fiber of my being, and as I do, I swear I smell flowers.
8
Sydney
My Dearest Jace,
If you're reading this, that means I'm dead and you know about Kadi. I'm not even worried that you've never met. I told her all about you. I showed her photos, videos of you on stage, and I made sure she knew you were her daddy and you loved her more than anything.
Please don't be angry with me for the decisions I've made. I beat myself up plenty already for them and I think I've paid a hefty price.
I tried contacting you for the last eight months but I was unable to reach you. I tried the cell number Meggie had once given me, but that was out of service. Of course, I understood that. Being a rockstar means you need private numbers and residences. It just made things so much more difficult when I began searching for a way to speak with you.
I was so frustrated I quietly screamed and pulled at my hair, and since I was going through chemo, I pretended I was so frustrated I pulled it out. Haha. I still have a warped sense of humor, but if the woman with cancer can't make cancer jokes, who can?
I called your parents. The hung up on me more times than I can count.
My father was a worse choice. I would leave Kadi with my best friend, Karen, before I'd let her live with my father. You know how, when we were still talking I told you my dad started drinking when my mom got sick? Well, that only got worse after she died. So did his abuse. Only it wasn't just words. After awhile it was a rough grab of my arms. Then came the slaps. And when he graduated to punching, I knew I had to get out of there. I didn't want to give him the chance to hurt our baby.
I left in the middle of the night with less than a thousand dollars, everything I could carry, and my car. I'd been waitressing at a high-end restaurant and made really good money. Giving that up wasn't easy, but necessary.
I moved back to Chicago, only not on the good side of the city. I moved where the rent was cheap yet the apartment was clean and it was safe for a pregnant woman.
Then I found Karen again. She lived in the same building and got me a waitressing job at a lucrative restaurant that paid very, very well. When Karen and I saved up enough money, we moved to a better apartment. It was no luxury apartment, but it didn't have bars on the windows either.
I'm sorry I have to end the letter here for now. I tire easily with the medication. I'll tell you more soon. I promise.
Always yours,
Sydney
Part II
The calm before the storm.
9
Sydney
My Dearest Jace,
It's me again… and it's really scary knowing that if you're reading this I'm dead. I'm dead. Dead. It's heartbreaking to know I'll never hold our baby girl again. I won't be there for her first kiss, first date, first crush, or first broken heart. I never imagined I wouldn't be. I'd dreamed we'd be there together helping her through those hellish teenage years.
Anyway…
When we moved to the new apartment, there was this sweet old lady, Mrs. Newsbury, who cooked dinner for Karen and I on days we worked long shifts.
When my ankles began to swell, Mrs. Newsbury showed me a couple tricks on how to keep the swelling down. She even went with me to my doctor appointments.
I know you would have gone with me to them and I wanted so badly to call, but I'd heard you were drinking and doing drugs, getting arrested, screwing around with the skanks you always curled your lip at, and hanging around with the stoners.
I went into premature labor twice and the last four weeks of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I worried myself sick wondering how I was going to make rent. How was I going to get the crib put together? I hadn't finished all of the baby shopping yet. Karen and Mrs. N handled that for me. They were a godsend, but I'd decided that day that I was going to contact you. I'd heard you were in college as you'd planned so I hoped your behavior changed. And I guess it did because one day I saw you.
I saw you and my heart stopped. My OB was at the University of Chicago and I'd had an appointment. As I reached the doors, I heard you laugh. It was one of those straight-from-your-gut laughs that you only let out when you were truly happy.
I turned and saw you walking with your arm around a girl, and the way she looked at you… She looked at you like I looked at you. While you didn't look at her the same as you did me, it was obvious you cared for this girl very much.
There was no way I was going to screw you up again, Jace. No way. You barely made it through the first time I left—a mistake I regret every single day. I stood there and watched you walk with her until I could no longer see you.
My water broke right there. I didn't know what to do, where to go, if I could walk, so I sat on the nearest bench and I started crying. I started crying because you'd walked out of my life that day just as I had yours months earlier and it was all such a mess. Such a mistake. But there was nothing that could change it.
I'll write again soon. I promise.
Always yours,
Sydney
10
Jace
Three days later…
"But I don't know how to swim, Daddy, and that pool is very big," Kadi tells me as we put on her bathing suit.
"It's okay, pumpkin. We've got water wings that'll hold you up and I'll be right there to hold you, too, until you're ready to swim away on your own."
She puffs her cheeks with a breath then blows it out. "I don't think I'll ever be ready for that." Her serious tone has me grinning. This little pixie is more mature than her six years. I take pride in that. I'm also grateful to Sydney for raising our little girl right.
"I guarantee you'll be ready to go swimming before I'm ready to let go," I tell her.
She shakes her head. "Nuh-uh."
"We'll see." I pick up our towels. "Let's go."
I unlock the gate and Kadence is standing on tiptoes trying to get a better look at the pool. Tenacious. Curious. Determined. This little girl is one of a kind. A diamond in the rough.
"I swimmed in the lake but never in a pool," Kadi tells me quietly.
"It's the same thing pretty much—just smaller."
"Nuh-uh. I can't just put my feet i
n like I can at the lake," she informs me.
"Sure you can. I'll show you. But first let's get these water wings on."
I blow them both up then hold one out for her arm. She slips her hand through the floatation device and I pull it up her arm. I do the same to the other arm. There are other rafts and toys laying along the edge of the pool. I'm not sure if Lucy or the guys did this or when they did it. I only mentioned taking Kadi swimming last night. Family.
I was right. After about fifteen minutes, Kadi already wants to do her own thing. She's fearless. She's fierce. She's the perfect combination of me and Syd.
"Jace, my man," Kennedy calls out.
I look up from the pool where I'm swimming with Kadi.
"What's up?"
"You have a visitor," he says, his voice showing annoyance.
I look past him and see a slim woman in a red pencil skirt and white blouse who's holding a thick brown folder to her chest. Her hair falls over her shoulders in waves. She looks familiar. I concentrate on her face, but it's hard to tell… until she looks up.
Holy fuck. I instantly get hard. Not cool with my daughter right here, but this is my reaction every time this sexy as fuck woman is near me.
"Summer?" I call out and her eyes widen. "What are you doing here?" I ask with a grin.
She swallows hard, a blush staining her cheeks, and I chuckle.
Yeah, darlin', I remember too.
Did she really think I'd forget? I remember every single steamy detail of that weekend. Every kiss. Every sigh. Every laugh. Every moan. Every lick. Every time I slid inside her tight little body. How wet and ready she'd be before I ever touched her. Every time I licked that sweet pussy. Her perfect lips wrapping around my cock as she sucked me deep. Her tits bouncing as she rode me hard and fast. How she got wetter when I spanked her perfect little ass. A man would have to be dead to forget that.
