by Anne Mercier
Jace looks to the guys, who hold up their hands as if to say, “Don’t look at me” and I want to snicker, but I’m all wound up now.
“You’re being irrational, Jace. You didn’t even know me then,” I tell him.
“No, but I know you now and you’re mine, god damn it. I don’t want to think about other guys having touched you. It drives me fucking crazy,” he admits.
“That’s both sweet and annoying at the same time,” I admit.
Silence. I look at my dad, who has a brow raised.
“What?”
“You’re his? Were you going to tell us about this, Sum?” he asks.
“I was, but Greg derailed the conversation and took it down a track I never expected to go. Really, Greg,” I scoff. “But, yes, Daddy. Jace and I are in a relationship.”
“A rocker. You said you’d never date a rocker,” he reminds me.
I nod. “I did. I guess it’s true when they say ‘never say never’.”
Jace is watching me carefully, studying me as if he’s putting puzzle pieces together, and he probably is. He’s probably figured out why I have an aversion to rockers now, but I’ll explain it in detail later when we’re alone. I don’t want my dad or the guys to feel guilty for giving me a live course in sex education—many times.
“You’ve been taking care of our girl?” Mick asks.
He nods. “Yes, sir. As soon as I heard, I came right over.”
Uncle Mick grunts.
“He made sure I had an ice pack for my head, a heating pad for my back, that I took my medication regularly and that I ate while doing so. He even cooked me spaghetti,” I say, looking at my dad, who nods his approval.
After that, it’s easy conversation. Talk of music, touring, babies, their upcoming venues—but mostly music. I sit in an oversized chair and listen to them talk notes and riffs and beats and I fall asleep.
I wake up in an unfamiliar bed. I know because it’s much softer than mine… and the pillow is a dream. It’s like sleeping on a cloud. But what lets me know I’m not at home is the quiet giggle coming from the princess lying next to me.
“Kadi, you were supposed to let Summer sleep. Don’t wake her,” Jace whispers.
“I’m not waking her. I’m being quiet. See?” She flops back and closes her eyes then… “Shhh.”
I want to laugh but I’m going to keep faking this as long as possible. She’s too cute. I keep my eye cracked just a tiny bit to see her. My dad used to sleep like this all the time and it freaked me out. Maybe it’s a bad idea.
“She sure is sleeping a long time, Daddy,” Summer whispers loudly.
“She has big hurts, remember?”
Kadi nods.
“The medicine she takes to make the hurts feel better make her sleepy,” Jace explains. He’s so good with her.
“I don’t like that Miss Summer has lots of hurts. It’s not nice to hurt people. And boys are never s’posed to hit girls. Mommy told me so and she’s always right.”
“She’s exactly right. That’s why the bad man is in jail. The policemen came and took him away and the ambulance took Summer and the bad man’s two children to the hospital. Now the two children are living with Aunt Joan,” Jace tells her. I like that he talks to her like she’s a real person instead of just a kid who doesn’t understand. At that age, they understand a lot more than we could ever know.
“I like Aunt Joan. She is my gentle giant’s mommy. She has lots of kids and they all play nice,” Kadi tells Jace.
“I’m glad you had fun staying with your gentle giant and Princess Sera. They love you a whole lot. Just like me,” Jace says and my heart melts.
Kadi wraps her arms around his neck. “I love you too, Daddy.” Then she gives him a big smacking kiss on the lips. Too cute.
I have no idea how they got me here without waking me up, but I don’t ever want to move from this bed. It feels glorious and it doesn’t hurt my back at all. Factor in the heating pad Jace has on my back… ahhh.
Kadi wiggles down and runs from the room.
“I know you’re awake,” Jace says with a grin.
“Mmm. I’m never moving from this bed,” I tell him.
“That would be amazing but only if you’re naked, and I’m naked and inside of you,” he growls.
I smile. “That’s not going to work out very well with your daughter running around.”
He grunts. “There is that. But, there’s also tonight. She goes to bed early.” He wiggles his eyebrows and I laugh.
“Are you over your bad case of pissy, now?” I ask.
He scowls. “Yeah, but you coulda told me sooner.”
“I wasn’t ready. You need to realize that I don’t and won’t always be able to work with your timetable. You are more open to spontaneous sharing. I’ve had to be very careful. It’s not something I can change easily. But I’ll try with you,” I tell him, reaching out to touch his cheek.
He nods. “Then I’ll try to be patient.”
“Try being the key word there.”
He grunts. “I’m normally not like that. It’s you.”
“I bring out the caveman in you,” I tease.
He chuckles. “You do. I really love the look of you in my bed, Summer.”
“Due to the fact I woke up here, I’m going out on a limb and assume I’m staying here tonight.”
“Mmm,” he agrees, playing with my hair. “I’d like you to stay more than just tonight. You’ve got some time off. I’d like to spend time with you, Summer. I’d like to spend time with you and Kadi.”
“One day at a time, okay?” I ask.
“I’ll take that,” he agrees. “One day equals one night, which means I get to touch you so you make those sexy as hell noises and moans that get me hard.”
“You can touch me anytime—anytime there are no children or adults going to walk in on us, that is.”
“Deal.”
I’m in so much trouble. So much trouble. I was already a little in love with him, but now I’m pretty well sunk. I really hope we can make a go of things because otherwise I don’t think I’ll recover. No one has ever made me feel the way Jace makes me feel. Happy, loved, safe, cared for, and treasured. I hope that never, ever ends.
“Jace?”
“Hmm?”
“I—”
Kadi comes in squealing. “Uncle Xan is coming! Hide me, Daddy!”
Maybe her interruption was a good thing because I was about to tell Jace Warner I love him, just blurt it out without giving it a second thought. I know better.
When Xander walks in, I roll to my side facing away from them and get myself together. How the hell does he break down my walls so fast?
The first weekend he was already in my heart. Now he owns it. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet, but I know for sure I’ll figure it out soon if I’m going to be staying here.
I’m going to stop thinking and just go with it because the laughter surrounding me right now warms my heart and there’s no place I’d rather be.
22
Sydney
My Dearest Jace,
Kadi was the best baby. She wasn’t colicky at all and was sleeping through the night by two months of age. She had a lot of ear infections when she was teething, which meant doctor’s visits, Tylenol, and antibiotics. The worst illness she had was when she was three and she developed pneumonia. I’ve never been more scared in my life. She was so small. High fever and so tired she couldn’t even cry. She whimpered. That required a five-day hospital stay to rehydrate her and get her well again. I’d worried about SARs too. I’m not going to tell you what that is. You’ve got Google on that smart phone of yours, so use it and make yourself smart too. :)
She likes all foods except peas, broccoli, and other vegetables. She likes to eat more vegetables than meat, so please don’t scold her for that. I imagine she’ll turn vegetarian as soon as she figures out what that is.
Kadi’s strong-minded, strong-willed, and smart as a whip. She’s going to kee
p you on your toes and I really hope I can look down on you both to see that. The thought has me smiling. I know she’s going to give you a run for your money, rocker boy, so be prepared.
She reminds me of that Shakespeare quote. “Though she be but little, she is fierce.”
She can take a fall and scrape her knees, but yell at her and she’ll cry like you’ve broken her heart—and hearing her cry like that will break yours. But don’t give in. Don’t spoil her. Don’t coddle her. I like the fight in her, Jace, and spoiling her will have her fighting for the wrong reasons.
She doesn’t have any medication allergies. She is allergic to eggs and she does have environmental allergies. I don’t know how much she’ll be affected by them in California, but you know here in Illinois, with the farming community and the humid air that hits us in summer, she needs to take medications for it. I’ve left that information on the sheet.
I wish, even if we weren’t together, that I’d told you about her sooner. You deserved to see her first tooth, first step, first laugh, and first word. But now you’ll have all the other firsts I won’t. It doesn’t make anything even or fair.
To me, regrets are pointless because you can’t change the past—no matter how it gnaws at you.
I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.
Always yours,
Sydney
23
Sydney
My Dearest Jace,
I hope you found all the paperwork, Kadi’s medical records, and the notebook filled with all of the activities she enjoys.
I decided to teach her dance because even when she could barely hold herself up, if music was playing her body was swaying. She feels the music in her soul much the way you and I do. I’m so happy she received that gift.
The chemo failed, Jace. I knew it would. Mom’s cancer was aggressive and it took her so fast, once I was diagnosed I knew it would be much the same. I fought so long and so hard, Jace. I would still fight if there was anything left to fight with. But I’ve run out of options.
It’s breaking my heart knowing that Kadence will grow up without me. Please, Jace, don’t let her forget me. I love her so much. She’s my baby girl. In the pink floral box are all my dance things: shoes, tutus, tights, music, and even instruction sheets I’ve been working on for Kay-Kay. Please keep her love for dance alive unless one day she decides she doesn’t want to anymore—and make sure she has a damn good reason. Don’t let her stop because of me or my memory. She’s her own person and she should dance however she needs to, to feel free.
Oh Jace, I don’t have much longer and I still can’t reach you. You’re out on tour and I’ve sent letter after letter to Nichols Records. I asked a friend of mine to work his hacker magic and find your phone number or address—anything to connect us, but he came up empty. He said, and I quote, “They’ve got some fucking insane security going on.”
The band website says your tour ends soon and I’ve got one last trick up my sleeve. Let’s hope it’s not just a false illusion as all magic tricks are.
I miss you so much right now. I hope I reach you in time.
I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.
Always yours,
Sydney
24
Kadence
“Get back here!” Xander yells.
He’s laughing so I know he’s not mad. I don’t like when people are mad. It makes my tummy hurt.
“Shit! They’re both out, Ethan! Help, you lazy fucker,” Xander swears.
Oh, he said lots of bad words.
I move to the sitting room where the noise is coming from and peek around the corner. My heart soars.
“Doggies!” I squeal and run toward them. They’re tiny little doggies so they won’t hurt me.
I sit down by them and they start licking my face. I can’t stop giggling. Their tongues are warm and wet and it feels funny.
“Well, that’s one way to stop them,” Ethan says.
I look up and see Xan and Ethan watching me with the doggies. I hope I’m not in trouble.
“Kadi, our BFD dancer, you are a lifesaver,” Xander tells me, then sits down with me on the floor.
“I am?”
He nods. “You are. You helped wrangle these two naughty dogs.”
I pout. “They’re not naughty. They just wanted to play.”
“She’s got you there,” Ethan agrees and sits down too.
I like them. They’re nice. Everyone here is nice. The only one who scares me a little bit is Jesse. He doesn’t smile much and he’s bossy to Lucy. She seems to like him though, so he can’t be all bad.
“This little girl here is Noodles. And this one is Sauce,” Xander tells me.
“Those are silly names.”
“Yes, they are, but when we got this little lover girl, she already had Noodles as her name. So I got her a friend and named her Sauce,” Xander tells me.
“Like ‘ghetti,” I answer, nodding.
“Exactly like spaghetti,” he agrees. “You’re smart. Are you sure Jace is your dad?”
“Yep, he’s my daddy.”
“He’s a lucky man to have a sweet little girl like you,” Ethan tells me and it warms my belly and heart.
“Thank you,” I say, remembering my manners like Mommy told me to.
The doggies are barking loud now and Xan keeps trying to get them to stop but they don’t listen. I laugh and laugh watching them be naughty to Xan. He doesn’t seem to mind.
“What the hell are those?” Jesse yells and I jump.
I’m scared so I crawl into Ethan’s lap.
“Jesus, Jesse. You’re scaring Kadi,” Ethan scolds.
“What the hell, dude?” Xan chides. “Do you bellow like that around the K-Quads? I don’t think so because if you did, Lucy would whoop your ass, so why the hell do you think it’s okay to do the same around Kadi? Jace said her mama was as gentle as they came, so I’m sure your yelling has her afraid.”
“Shit,” Jesse mutters. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Kadi. I’m sorry. I actually didn’t see you sitting there and I’m used to yelling at Xander like that. It makes him happy when I yell at him.”
I don’t think he’s telling the truth.
“If you tell lies, you get a pimple on your tongue,” I tell them.
Ethan’s body shakes as he laughs. “Even she knows you’re full of shit.”
I whisper to Ethan, “You sweared lots, but I won’t tell.”
He kisses my forehead and it makes me happy.
I look at Jesse, who’s standing there—so big and tall, with his arms crossed over his chest, and his face looks mean.
“He’s mad,” I whisper.
Ethan nods.
“He won’t hurt the doggies, will he? I love the doggies. Their licks make me laugh,” I say.
“I would never hurt the doggies, Kadi,” Jesse says, stepping closer and sitting on the floor with us. I wiggle in closer to Ethan, still not sure.
Noodles and Sauce jump up on me and Ethan and I giggle. When they start kissing and playing with me, I forget Jesse is there. Xan hands me two ropes and I start playing tug of war with the doggies.
“Noodles likes to lick me a lot,” I tell them. “And when Sauce wiggles his tail his butt wiggles too.”
I giggle again, watching Sauce.
“You didn’t have any pets, Kadi?” Jesse asks.
“Nope. Mommy said we couldn’t have any in the apartment. She said when we got a house we could have a dog and a cat,” I tell them.
“That’s a good mom, you’ve got,” Xan tells me.
“Yep. She’s the bestest mom in the world. I wish Mommy was here to play with the doggies. She likes doggy kisses. They make her laugh and her eyes twinkle,” I tell them.
The doggies must be tired now. They lay down on the floor.
“I like it here. Daddy says it’s my new home but I miss my old home,” I tell Ethan and my heart hurts. I start to cry. “I want my mommy to come back from where the angels are sleeping. She’s b
een sleeping a long, long time. I don’t want her to sleep anymore,” I cry and Ethan pulls me to his chest, holding me close.
“Shhh, it’s all right, Kadi girl.”
But it’s not. “I want my mommy!” I tell them louder. I miss her so much it hurts me.
“I don’t want Mr. Weaver to teach me dance. I want my mommy to teach me dance! I want my mommy to read me bedtime stories like she used to when she tucked me in bed and I want her to make the funny voices,” I yell, crying so hard I can barely breathe.
“Calm down, Kadi girl. You’re going to make yourself sick,” Ethan tells me.
“I just want my mommy. She cut my hot dogs and mixed them in with my mac and cheese. She always had my fruity O’s. She never yelled!” I wail.
Big hands lift me and it’s my daddy. He makes me feel safe and loved, but…
“I miss Mommy, Daddy,” I tell him, wrapping my arms around his neck and crying hard.
“I know, pumpkin. I know. I wish I could bring her back. I’d do anything to be able to bring her back for you, but I can’t. I’m so sorry, Kadi,” he tells me as I cry and cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I’m too tired.
Daddy rubs my back. My chest hitches every now and then, making my body shake. I yawn big and rest my head on Daddy’s shoulder.
“Why can’t she come back, Daddy?”
25
Jace
My heart can’t take this. It’s shattered for my baby. To hear her wailing such misery… each sob cutting straight through my heart.
“I know if she could come back, she would,” I tell her, swaying side to side and rubbing her back. Summer stands to the side, her hand over her mouth as tears silently slide down her cheeks.
