"So everything's fine?"
"You bet."
"And you've accepted your parents' premature death?"
"Why are so obsessed with this topic?"
"I think it would be good for you to talk about it."
"Talk about what, exactly?"
"The accident. Your feelings. Your grief. Anything you want to talk about. Most people have a hard time moving on after such a tragedy, especially if they survived. It's called Survivor's Guilt."
"Oh I'm feeling guilty, all right," she said, almost talking to herself.
"Why are you feeling guilty?"
"Why?" she repeated, looking at him straight in the eye. "Because I killed them, of course."
March 20th
Dear Diary,
I went to therapy yesterday. Strangely enough, the guy is pretty OK. He asked me a lot of questions, but I didn't really feel like answering thoroughly so towards the end he asked me to write down a description of myself.
Here's what I wrote:
“I'm complicated. My nightmares are real and I can't get rid of them. My demons suffocate me and it takes time to breathe again when they take over, but I don't want to kill them. My fears are my best friends. I walk hand in hand with my guilt. My dreams are a dead end. My scars are flashbacks and foreshadowing. What I am today, I might not be tomorrow. I'm hollow and I'm not seeking to be filled. My missing pieces can't be replaced. I'm lost and I don't want to be found. I use humor when I'm depressed and I cry when I'm depressed, so you get the picture. I'm fuel to my own fire. I silently scream for help on a daily basis, but I don't want people to hear me: I don't want to feel a burden. There's no cap to my despair. Darkness is always darker in my world.”
I wonder what he's going to think about me after he's read this. I guess I'll find out next time I'll see him. I'll keep you posted.
H.
SIXTEEN
What happened to you?" Allyson asked, not too concerned, during their free period.
"I wasn't feeling too well, so I stayed home," Hayden said.
She had skipped one week of school – doctor's orders.
"You disappeared at the party the other night, have fun?" Ashley asked, while lighting her cigarette. She didn't reply.
"Come on, you can talk to us!" she said with a big smile "We saw you walking away with Luke"
Her heart skipped a beat. That name.
"How was it?"
"What?"
"Don't be shy! How was it?" she insisted. "You had sex, right?"
"Sex? He – he raped me."
No one will believe you.
"Hayden, what the fuck is your problem?" Kristina yelled.
"You don't say such things about our friends!"
"It's true!" "It might have been a little 'rough' but don't throw shit at people," Allyson said. "Besides, what did you expect? Dressing up like that. It's what you get."
"If you don't want things to happen to you, you make other choices in life. You should know better," Ashley affirmed.
"So it's my fault?" There was something completely wrong in this conversation.
"Listen up, Hayden." Allyson walked close to her, in a menacing way. "I don't give a fuck what happened with Luke, but you better keep your mouth shut. You hear me?"
"I hear you," she said, without looking away. For some unknown reason, she was not afraid of them.
"Hayden!" someone yelled from far away. It was the school secretary.
"Yeah?" she yelled back.
"The Principal wants to see you," Miss Evelyn shouted. "And no smoking on school grounds, Allyson!"
Wonderful, Hayden thought.
Fuck off, Allyson thought.
Hayden walked back inside the school, trying to get ready for whatever was coming, leaving the trio in the courtyard.
"You think she's gonna tell her brothers, or the cops?" Kristina asked the other girls, as soon as Hayden was out of sight.
"I don't think so... but we should make sure she's got it clear; just in case."
Ashley had already an idea in mind. She took out her phone and sent a text message to Luke.
I don't think she'll keep her mouth shut, deal with it. She's your problem.
"What about our plan?" Kristina asked.
"We're carrying it through. Don't worry."
Hayden entered the Principal's office, and was surprised to find James and Mrs Selling there. "Good morning, Hayden," the Principal, Mrs Olga, greeted her. "Please take a seat."
"Thanks," she said as she took a seat in the only empty chair next to the window. She was looking at her brother, trying to find a trace of what was going on, but he was a closed book.
"Hayden, I'm sure you probably know why we are here," the Principal said.
She had no idea.
"I can imagine," she lied.
"You are failing all your classes." Oh shit. James had no idea. "Yeah..."
"Is something going on here at school? With your friends?" the Principal asked.
"We are here to help you, Hayden. You can talk to us. I wonder if you truly understand that your future is at stake here."
I wonder if you truly understand that I don't give a fuck.
"Nothin' much," she lied again. Her brother was quiet, too quiet.
"Do you remember the deal we have?" Mrs Selling asked.
"Yes: see the psychologist twice a week, and study," she said.
"We're giving you until the end of the school year to get your grades up," the Principal said.
"That's just two months!" Hayden said.
"...Otherwise," Cruella de Vil intervened, "I'll have to take your custody from James and put you in a home."
"What? No!" James still did not say a word.
"Just do what you have to do, and things will be fine." Why do bad people try to play the good guy role? "Hayden, we are not the enemies here. Every choice we make, or will be making, is for your own well-being."
"Right," she said with an edge.
"You can go now," the school Principal said. She got up and left, wondering why her brother had not said a word the whole time. Was he sad? Worried? Angry? Happy that she might be sent away? Those thoughts filled her mind for the whole day.
March 25th
Dear Diary,
When something bad happens, people will come up to you and say a whole bunch of stuff....but the biggest lie of them all is: everything will be OK.
Followed by: If you need anything, I'm here for you. Followed by: I want to listen to your problems and help you.
Followed by: Better days will come. For sure.
H.
PS. Do social workers get paid extra for being assholes? Or are they just born that way?
SEVENTEEN
You could have told me about your grades!" James said that evening, during dinner.
"Like we have been speaking lately, right?"
"I just sat there pretending I knew what was going on while instead I had no clue you were failing all your classes," he said. "I had to leave work for a few hours to feel like a complete idiot, 'cause I don't even know my own sister anymore!"
"James, what do you expect me to say?"
"I don't expect you to say nothing. Just do something and stop fucking everything up!"
"You gotta a handbook for that? 'Cause I have no idea how to 'stop fucking everything up'." The mocking tone was pretty obvious.
"Don't you realize this is your life we are talking about? Do you still give a damn about it?"
"Not really." She was way too serious.
"You wanna be put in a home?"
"You'd like that, right?"
"For Jesus Christ, Hayden!" he said, fists on the table.
"Why didn't you say a word today?"
"There was nothing to say. You leave me speechless."
"Wow. You could write a song. So poetic."
"Don't get mouthy with me, kid."
"Whatever," she said, an
d left without finishing her dinner.
"Sit, and eat. I'm tired of you wasting food."
"I'm not hungry."
"I don't care, you get back in here and eat. We've got enough problems already without having to deal with any eating disorders."
"I don't have any eating disorders. I'm just not hungry."
"You're never hungry. So now you eat, period."
"Being a tyrant is not gonna get you anywhere," she said, while slamming her door. James, Mike and Will kept eating, without saying a word.
In the meantime Hayden got a text message from Ashley.
Meet us at 494. Now.
And she did. Why? Go figure.
494 was an abandoned building not too far from her house, a former disco that had caught fire years ago and had never been rebuilt. This abandoned building is my avatar, Hayden thought as she walked those deserted grounds.
The girls were already there when she arrived, and despite the cold night, they weren't wearing too many clothes, as usual.
"What's up?" she asked.
"We gotta talk," Ashley replied.
"We've been thinking that it's time for you to make the big move."
"What are you talking about?"
"Hayden, listen," Allyson said
"We've been helping you a lot lately, and not many people get this sort of chance – "
Who are you, God?
"... and it's time you prove to us that you're really part of the gang. That you deserve us."
"I see."
"You've been doing real good – "
"You've been 'testing' me?"
"Let's just say your trial period is almost over."
"Trial period? Do I get my money back guaranteed at the end, in case?"
"Are you making fun of us?" Kristina asked, in a menacing tone.
"Cool it, K," Ashley said.
"There's just one last thing you gotta do, then you'll be one of us, for good."
"What do you want me to do?" Kristina took out something out from her purse, and showed it to her. A gun was wrapped around a white cloth, and she was careful not to touch it.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" Hayden asked, bewildered.
"Just scare a few people off, that's it," Kristina explained. "There's a bunch of people we need to give a lesson to, and this how we solve things."
"What things?"
"That's not your problem," Ashley said.
"Rule number 1: Don't ask questions. Just focus on what you gotta do."
"Which is?"
"Shoot someone, what else do you do with a gun?" Ashley said, with a big smile.
"I don't wanna shoot anybody!"
"It's not like we're giving you a choice, Hayden." "You're either in, or –" Kristina didn't finish her sentence through words, but with a cutthroat gesture. She slowly drew her finger across her throat, clearly implying that she'd kill her. Slowly and painfully.
"You are crazy."
"Lemme see if I can convince you in another way: if you don't do this, we'll use this gun and all its bullets on your brothers. How does that sound?"
"Was this your plan all along? Pretend to be my friends so you'd have someone to do the dirty work for you in the end?"
"The girl is smarter than she looks."
"Fuck you, Kristina."
The plan was easy, they said: steal a car two nights from today, wait in front of the CSA until Lorenzo Perez showed up and shoot him. No sweat, they said. Drive-by shootings were common, and no one ever got arrested, 'cause no one ever had the time to look at the shooter – they said. Plus, he has many enemies.
"Who the hell is Lorenzo Perez?" Hayden asked.
"Here." Kristina showed her a picture on her phone. He was a young Latino guy with a sort of dragon tattoo on his face. At least that made his face easy to remember, but she still asked Kristina to forward her that picture to her phone; you never know.
"I'm supposed to kill him? Why? And if this is so easy why don't you do it yourselves?" Hayden asked.
"Is rule number 1 too hard to remember?" Ashley asked, annoyed. "But if it makes you feel better just know that he's the main suspect for Marika's shooting, she was your friend, right?"
"What?"
"Yeah, I mean... everyone knows it was him. Consider this some sort of revenge," Ashley said.
"The gun's easy to use. Just aim and shoot. Got it?" Kristina told her, trying to drop the subject. Hayden didn't reply. "I said: got it?" Kristina was getting mad.
"Yeah," Hayden said nervously, while taking the gun she handed her.
"Good. Remember what happens if you fail."
March 27th
Dear Diary,
Have I perhaps been subscribed to some sort of a never-ending- fuck-up-your-life-free-membership I am not aware of?
How do I unregister? No, seriously. WTF.
Things are getting out of hand here and I can't back out. This is not going to end well.
H.
PS. I have a gun under my pillow. It'd be cool if my life were a spy fiction novel, but it isn't.
EIGHTEEN
Two nights later Hayden left her house, confused and scared, and with a gun in her pants. She was still unsure what to do, could she really shoot someone? But as she walked absentmindedly to her destination, fate chose for her. It all happened fast.
The roads were empty and the darkness was everywhere. It didn't take long for Hayden to realize she was being followed. Someone's footsteps were right behind her. She froze, and turned around: there was no one. The place was too still. For a second she thought she was being paranoid, so she resumed walking, but then someone grabbed her from behind and pulled her into a small alleyway. She couldn't speak or yell because her mouth was covered by the attacker's hand. She tried to fight him, but he was stronger. But there was something familiar about that strength, about that hand, his panting. It was Luke.
Not again.
"I thought I should remind you what will happen if you tell anyone," he said in a low voice, as he slammed her on the wall. It hurt. "I'm gonna make your life a complete nightmare," and he began unbuttoning his pants. Despite the darkness, Hayden could see his cold eyes trying to terrorize her, and it was working. In an instant she reached for the gun, he tried to stop her hand but she had already gotten a hold of the weapon and they were now fighting over it. A gunshot went off by accident, and Luke was down on the ground in a second. His sweatshirt was soon drenched in blood.
Oh my God. What have I done? I killed him. Don't panic.
But she did. She dropped the gun on the ground and began running towards home. The police were going to be there soon, and she had to leave. That gunshot had probably awakened the whole neighborhood. She ran inside her house, thankful that her brothers weren't back yet. She headed to the bathroom and tried to wash away some of the blood from her hands, then she went to her room, took her clothes off, which had Luke's blood all over them, and changed – leaving the stained clothes lying around her room.
I have to leave.
She packed a small bag with some essentials, took some cash they kept for emergencies hidden in a jar in the kitchen, and ran out the door. She didn't take her phone with her, in case someone tried to locate her, which seemed like a smart thing to do if you're on the run, but she took Mike's car, parked right outside their house, which was a less intelligent move to make if you're on the run. Hayden's mind worked on and off, that's just how it goes.
Her license was only four months old, and she had never driven much, yet her father had taught her well in the months prior to her exam, and she now hoped she remembered all his teachings – or at least how to turn the engine on.
She got into the car and started driving. There was no one who could help her, nor any safe place she could really go to. Her brothers would soon be looking for her, along with the police and social workers, and Luke's friends. And it was hard to decide whom she should have been most afraid
of. Confusion was the only thing traveling with her; she didn't know what to do, but one thing she was sure of: she had to get far away.
At two am, after driving aimlessly for about three hours, she felt too tired to keep going. She found a small motel in a nearby town and decided to get some sleep there.
March 28th
Dear Diary,
I'm in a run-down motel in the middle of nowhere, I have shot and probably killed Luke, the police will soon be after me, I'm running out of money, and I have nowhere to go. Aside from this, everything's OK.
I just had to run away! Who would have believed me? Self- defense? He has too many friends who'd testify I'm the bad girl here and he's the perfect guy. Ashley, Allyson and Kristina are probably looking for me, to kill me. I didn't do what I was told because Luke stopped me, but then again... was I ever gonna shoot Lorenzo Perez? I'm sure they're not gonna hurt my brothers while I'm gone, they would never do something that stupid with the police around trying to solve a murder. Right?
A murder? Oh my God! I am a m-u-r-d-e-r-e-r.
But if I get caught, they'd get revenge. Everyone will get revenge. Luke had too many friends... maybe they'll even torture me before killing me. His gang is not gonna forget, ever. Maybe he's not dead. But there was sure a lot of blood... can someone survive without that much blood? I hope so.
I don't want to go to jail! I have to get some sleep now, but I must be outta here in a couple of hours, before the news will be out. Will they have my picture everywhere? Oh God. I even lost my pendant somewhere, fuck!
H.
PS. There goes my custody.
NINETEEN
As dawn greeted a new day, Hayden left the highway and pulled into a service station. She was almost out of gas, and starving. And the money she had left was barely enough for some breakfast. She parked the car and headed to a nearby Starbucks to get some coffee and a bagel to go, and use the bathroom. On her way back to her car, she noticed a young woman standing near her car. She was wearing many clothes a size too big, and was carrying a large bag on her back. The sign she was holding read, 'I need a ride'. "Where are you headed?" Hayden asked from a certain distance.
BF 2nd edition Page 7
