Joel’s eyebrows bunched and I realised with a bit of a start that he was frowning at me, “You really don’t get it, do you?” He asked.
At that point, both Will and two of the boys with Joel all seemed to think it was their right to start listening in – and joining in the conversation.
“Don’t get what?” Asked Will.
“None of your business, young man,” Joel said with a bit of a forced grin, “Eat your fries.”
“I’m full.” He said.
I knew he wasn’t. “Pass them here, then, mate.” I said, “I’m not full and they looked really good.”
His face changed and he started tucking into them again.
Joel smiled at me, “A little bit of reverse psychology, huh?”
I shrugged and grinned, “Works wonders.” I said.
He raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment further, which was a shame because he never did tell me what I didn’t get...
Chapter 20 – Frustration...
Joel
As much as I felt that I was falling in love with Seth, I have to say that he was the most frustrating person on the planet.
What the hell was it with him? Did he seriously look in the mirror and see something completely different to what the rest of the world saw? Because I’m telling you now – he was beautiful. He might have had the tiniest burn scar on his cheek, but it didn’t detract from his almost ethereal beauty one little bit. Of course he wasn’t perfect – no one was – but he was as near to perfect as it got for me. Why the hell couldn’t he take me seriously?
I decided to go and chew Peyton McKenzie’s ear off about it, so once I’d dropped the kids off with Alfie and Harley for the afternoon, I headed over to the restaurant he now spent most of his time at, Diamonds and Lace.
He’d told me to go for it with Seth – and I would love to do just that – but I was beginning to wonder if things would ever get off the ground between us and I really needed someone else’s input because I was fast running out of ideas and he was stubbornly pushing me away when I knew he liked me too.
“I’m worried about him, Peyton – it’s almost as if he feels that he has no purpose in life anymore.” And he does – he can belong to me... “He’s pushing me away and telling me to find someone who is whole.”
Peyton nodded his head thoughtfully, “Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed, “I talked to him to the other day and that’s exactly what he thinks. I think I have just the thing.” He smiled at my frown of confusion, “I thought I was going to have to piss Rufus off and ask him to babysit on Easter Sunday, but you’ve just given me the best idea.”
I blinked, still confused, “I have?” I asked.
He nodded, “Oh, yeah,” he said, his smile widening to a startlingly handsome grin. “Leave it with me – we’ll sort him out between us, don’t you worry about it.”
Kody looked up from where he was sitting, “You’re not interfering in other people’s business are you, my love?” He asked mildly.
Peyton grinned at him, “Me?” He asked innocently, “As if I’d do that.”
Kody chuckled. “You’re a bad, bad man.” He said.
At the look on Peyton’s face to be called a bad, bad man in the tone of voice that Kody had just used, I felt it prudent to excuse myself before I got a live show of something I’d usually search for on Tumblr...
I got outside into the fresh air. It was a much milder day today than it had been in what felt like forever. There was actually some heat in the sun today and everything looked brighter and more cheerful. Was it actually better? Or was I feeling more hopeful because Peyton was about to help me get my man?
Chapter 21 – Peyton’s advice...
Seth
Peyton came charging into the lounge and stood in front of me with his hands on his hips, “You’ve got to go home.” He said, “You’ve got to put that poor kid out of his misery and tell him you love him.”
I stared up at him with my mouth open, “What?” I asked, “Fuck, I only came round to pick up my laptop and Kody offered me a coffee – I have gone home. He’s the one who’s left now. When I got there, he’d left a note saying he was at Harley’s – re-evaluating his life.”
Peyton rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath about the pair of us. I doubt it was complimentary to either me or to Joel so I chose to ignore it. Peyton, however, had other ideas and decided to give me a piece of his mind anyway. “Will told me about the park and Maccy’s – what is wrong with you? Why don’t you want to be happy?”
“I do want to be happy.” I grumbled.
Peyton looked at me. His exasperation with me absolutely palpable, “Well that guy, Joel Fitzgerald, is your one way ticket to happiness, my friend – so for fuck’s sake wake up and smell the coffee. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you’re not as straight as you thought you were after all and that you’ve realised that actually he’s the one – and get him to come home where he belongs – with you.”
I was about to protest. I was about to start telling Peyton all the reasons that Joel shouldn’t bother with me and that I wasn’t worth his time and effort. That I’d never be the man I was before and that Joel could do so much better. But the more these thoughts went round in my mind, the more my voice of reason kept knocking them back. If Joel thought I was worthwhile, then why the hell shouldn’t I feel worthwhile? If Joel thought I was the man for him, why the hell not try to be the man for him?
I nodded. Peyton made a whole lot of sense sometimes. Suddenly it was the most obvious thing in the world. I stood up. “You’re right.” I said, “I do need to tell him how I feel.” I bit my lip, “Do you think I should come out to everyone else while I’m at it?”
Peyton burst out laughing, “You can if you want to, mate – but no one’s gonna bat an eye-lid – they all thought you were gay anyway.”
I grinned, “Yeah,” I said, “Most people were surprised when I said I was straight.”
Peyton smiled at me and shook his head, “You were never straight, Seth.” He said kindly, “I always knew you’d end up with a guy – it was kind of inevitable.”
“But I really loved Siobhan.” I argued, because I really had loved her. She’d been everything I’d wanted while we were together, “I absolutely worshipped the ground she walked on – we had a great sex life and everything...”
Peyton shrugged, looking slightly perplexed that I’d tell him something so personal, “Well, that’s as maybe.” He said, “Maybe you’re bisexual or maybe you’re gay – or maybe you’re pansexual. Who knows? And frankly, I don’t care and I doubt very much if Joel cares either. It’s not about the label, Seth – it’s about the person you choose to spend your life with. Love is love.”
I nodded. I couldn’t agree more... I just had to get him alone long enough to try to explain everything. I really hoped he was still interested enough to listen but with him living over at his brother’s house – it might be a little challenging. Still, he wasn’t the only one that was up for a challenge...
Chapter 22 – Peyton’s interference...
Seth
I could hear my phone ringing incessantly but I was in the shower and there was no fucking way I was going to be able to get out and get to my room to answer it before it had rung off so I had to just listen to it’s tinkly tone until it rang off. Finally it did and then I heard the bleep that told me I had a voicemail.
Hoping against hope that it was Joel, I dried myself off as quickly as I could and then I shot to my bedroom as fast as my gammy leg would allow me to go.
I listened to the voicemail and grimaced. Shit. I really wanted to go and find Joel...
“I hate to do this to you, Seth – but I have literally no one else to turn to – both Kody and I have to work since half of the work-force have come down with flu. Will needs you buddy – he loves you. Please would you just have him for a couple of hours, Easter Day?”
My heart squeezed painfully in my chest. I couldn’t let my boy down. It was his firs
t Easter Day without her – and you know, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Christmas Day was going to be but last Easter we’d had a blast with Easter egg hunts and then we’d gone out for dinner and it had been a great day. I couldn’t match that day for him – but I had to do something to make it a good day for him.
Losing his mother at such a young age was terrible. Will had been shell-shocked and had stayed with Kody and Peyton. I’d just crawled into a hole and waited to die. But I hadn’t died. I was still here – fit as a fiddle and healthy as a horse – albeit a lame one... I had to help them out even if it was painful to be reminded that I didn’t have anyone particularly special to spend the day with – to be reminded of what might have been...
I rang Peyton back, “Okay.” I whispered, “What do you want me to do? Pick him up in the morning and bring him back to mine?”
Peyton cleared his throat, “Well, you could always bring him for dinner to the restaurant, and uh, I’m guessing you’ve spoken to Joel since our chat the other day – so why don’t you bring him along too?”
I rolled my eyes. Peyton was anything but subtle. “Actually I haven’t spoken to him at all yet.” He was a tricky guy to pin down if he didn’t want to be. “But I guess I could give him a call and ask him if he wants to help.” I bit my lip. It made a whole lot of sense to ask him to come along, since Will seemed to absolutely adore him and this was all about getting Will through the day intact, not trying to get him back on track with me... “And Will really likes him.” And so do I...
I could hear the massive grin in Peyton’s voice as he said goodbye. I loved my friends – but sometimes I wished they’d just leave me the hell alone to sort out my own mess. I might not be as straight as I thought I was – and I couldn’t deny that kissing Joel was probably the most awesome experience of my existence but it didn’t mean Joel was about to declare his undying love for me and want to spend the rest of his life with me just because I wanted it. I’d hurt him with my constant rejection and excuses as to why we shouldn’t be together. What if he’d already decided I wasn’t worth his effort? As much as he liked me, there was no denying that he was a good couple of years younger than me – and probably nowhere near ready to settle down. There I went again... denial.
Chapter 23 – Best Uncle...
Joel
My phone was ringing... Fuck! Where was it? Where was it?
I followed the noise and found it just in time for whoever was calling me to ring off. “Bastard!” I muttered to myself as I picked it up and flipped open the protective case – what can I say? I was a clumsy klutz and I didn’t want to drop my precious phone and smash the screen...
I stared at the screen. Seth? It had been Seth calling me. Holy fucking hell! I called him back immediately.
“Joel?”
I took a deep breath and sent up a silent prayer that it hadn’t been a pocket dial. Shit. What if it had been a pocket dial? “Uh, y-yes, it’s uh, it’s me.” I stammered, “D-Did you just call me?” Or was it a pocket dial? I squeezed my eyes shut. Fuck... Why was I always so damned impulsive? Should have thought this one through, before you jumped in, Joel...
His deep chuckle had my dick waking up instantly, “Yeah, I did call. I uh, I wondered what you were doing on Sunday afternoon?”
My jaw dropped. Absolutely fucking nothing. Mum had been invited to my sister’s for Sunday dinner and even though I’d been loosely invited, no one was gonna make a big deal about me not turning up.
I’d vaguely toyed with the idea of making red velvet cup cakes and some shortbread but other than that... “Nothing, why?” I answered a little breathlessly. Fuck. Why did I always make myself too available? Where was my ‘play hard to get’ gene? Simple – I didn’t have one.
“Good.” He said, “I’m taking Will to dinner and I wondered if you’d like to come with us. Maybe we could go to the park first and then go on from there?”
I smiled. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a date – but it meant that we got to see each other on neutral ground – and it was a chance to find a way forward as friends if nothing else. “That sounds like a lot of fun. Shall I meet you both at the park...?”
He faltered slightly, “Oh, uh, yeah – that’s cool. What time shall we say? Eleven o’clock.”
“Eleven sounds fine.” I said, “I look forward to it.” And I really did. It was time I went home too. I couldn’t keep hiding out at Harley and Alfie’s. I had to face Seth sometime – and face the fact that he might never want to be more than friends....
*
I got to the park early. Well of course I did. I was dying to see Seth. Since I’d taken off for a few days with Harley and Alfie, I’d been missing him like mad. We hadn’t even spoken to each other at the club. I’d chosen to go to the other end of the bar for drinks between my dance sessions and I’d gone home as soon as I’d finished.
I saw Seth and Will coming. Will was getting bigger – and looking at the length of his legs in his jeans, he was going to be a tall man when he was all grown up.
He spotted me and waved.
I grinned and waved back. Will was a lovely kid.
As they got closer I smiled shyly at Seth, “Hi, Seth,” I said, “Good to see you, buddy.”
He smiled back at me, “Good to see you too.” He said, “I’ve missed you – home isn’t home without you.”
My heart leapt at his words. “I’ll be back tonight.” I said, “I’ll go and get my stuff when we’ve finished up at the restaurant – where are we going anyway?”
Seth looked at me sheepishly, “Uh, Diamonds and Lace.” He said.
I blinked, “Peyton’s fancy restaurant?” I squeaked. Fuck. I couldn’t afford those sorts of prices...
He nodded, “Peyton’s paying.” He said, grinning at me, reading my mind, “I can’t afford it either – he kind of arranged the whole thing for us...”
My jaw dropped, “Uh?”
Seth smiled sheepishly again, “Yeah.” He agreed, “He thinks I need to make more of an effort to be happy.”
Will was running ahead so we were able to have our conversation in peace.
My heart started to beat a little faster. Was he saying what I was hoping he was saying? “And are you... uh, gonna do that?”
He let out a massive sigh, “I’m gonna try.” He said, “That’s all I can promise you right now.”
I nodded, “Fair enough.” I said, “Let’s go and catch Will up and we can have a go on the swings.”
Seth grinned, “I haven’t been on the swings in years.”
I laughed, “Why not? You’ve got a skinny enough behind.”
He blinked, his jaw dropping, “Have you been checking out my arse?”
I nodded, rolling my eyes, “Well, of course I’ve been checking out your arse, dude – you’ve got a very nice arse.” I couldn’t keep my eyes off it, truth be known.
He chuckled and went a little pink. I think he was secretly pleased...
I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the swings. Will was already there and he’d already found a friend too – and they were currently running around the purpose built fort yelling and laughing and having a really fabulous time.
Seth grinned as he watched him, “He’s amazing, isn’t he?” He said.
I nodded, “He really is.” I agreed.
He sighed, “I really loved being his stepdad when Siobhan and I lived together.” He said softly, “It was the best time of my life.”
I swallowed. I wanted him to have that again with me so much. And he could if he’d only allow himself to.
“You still are his stepdad.” I said, “He loves you – anyone can see that.”
He nodded, “I suppose... it’s not the same anymore, though...”
My heart sank. He really was still in love with Siobhan. I had no fucking chance trying to compete with her – she’d been the love of his life – but in death, she seemed to have become even more than that. She was perfect now. There were no flaws for him to find annoying. She couldn
’t ever piss him off by leaving her shoes in the middle of the hallway or her coat on his peg...
“We’d better get moving in a minute.” He said after we’d swung on the swings for about ten minutes, neither of us talking – both lost in our own depressing little thoughts.
I jumped slightly, “Oh, yeah, sure – right you are.” I hopped off the swing and shouted to Will. “Come on, mate – time for us to go and eat.”
He came bounding across to us, beaming. “I had a great time with Dylan.” He said, “He shared some of his chocolate with me too.”
Seth smiled, “Well, I hope you’ll still be able to eat your dinner.” He said, “Or your dad’ll have my guts for garters!”
Will chuckled, “Guts for garters,” he said, “You’re funny.”
We were shown to our table, which I thought was suspiciously private and kind of romantic if I was going to really analyse the situation.
Seth looked a little uncomfortable about it too. “Shall we ask for another table that’s a bit more out in the open?” I asked, hating that I was drawing attention to the fact that we had a couple’s booth but at the same time, not wanting to put any unnecessary pressure on him. Hell, he’d asked me to join him and Will for dinner but he certainly wouldn’t have asked me to go for dinner with him on our own.
Seth looked up at me, his massive brown eyes looking slightly worried. “I’m cool with it, if you are...”
I smiled, “I think it’s fine.” I said, “I just...” I trailed off. I was making things worse. “Let’s just sit down.”
Will had shot off to see his dad. I wasn’t sure we’d see him at all before dinner was served, so we had quite a lot of time where it was just the two of us.
I took a deep breath. What he’d said at the park had been going around and around in my head all the way to the restaurant and I wanted to re-visit the conversation...
Seth... Saved Page 8
